Friday, February 24, 2012

fucking and attraction

For folks who are following this blog, you know i have this thing where for me at least, physical attraction and hot fucking are not always the same. this has often times gotten me in trouble as it means if i show up at a hook up and the person looks less attractive then their pics I often still go for it, this is because i've had some of the most amazing hot sex and fun hook ups with people who are low on my hotness scale and i've had some real shitty sex with folks i view as hotties.

Lately though i've been having a string of not fun hook ups. I show up, the person looks way less attractive then their pics and the sex sucks. I was beginning to think that i need to let go of my theory on attraction. 

However tonight I felt vindicated - well mostly.

This guy and i had been messaging periodically on Adam4Adam for at least a couple of months. His pics were attractive, not hot, but cute in an older gay nerd kind of way (don't get me wrong i've met some majorly hot gay nerds but this guy was just ok). For some reason we had not been able to make it happen.

Finally we arranged to meet. I head over to his place which is not far but in a part of town i've never been. He meets me outside and he is less attractive than his pics and i'm thinking oh no, not again, i follow him inside. His place is small and cluttered but relatively clean (i have a thing against dirty apartments). He offers me a beer. He is a real nerd, lots of high tech stuff all over the place, a huge telescope in one corner.

He seems really nervous. He's talking non stop. We sit down on his couch and I'm kind of vibing with him, maybe its the beer, but he is starting to look less unattractive, we chat about random stuff or more like he prattles on and i insert a question or comment every once in a while.

I start stroking his arm as we talk, wanting to speed things up some, he's still chatting about random shit, admits he's nervous and i tell him don't be nervous. to be honest i can't really remember much about our email exchanges, his nervousness makes me assume i'm his first transguy.

finally we start kissing and making out. I can feel his hard on through his jeans. i unzip his pants and pull out his cock.  nice size - thick - not humongous, not small.  i slip his hard dick into my mouth and begin sucking him off.  he's the perfect size for me to take him down my throat so i do.  he groans.  after a while i stand up and take off my clothes.  he strips as i lie down on his bed.  he climbs on top of me rubbing his hard cock against my body.  we both moan.  i hand him a condom and lube him up.  he is on top of me missionary style.  i guide him into me.  'oh god' he moans as his cock slips into my cunt.  he starts stroking me, his cock thrusting.  i grab his ass pushing him as deep into me as i can.  he grabs my legs and pushes them over my head pounding into me.  i can feel myself starting to cum as he fucks me hard and fast. 

he fucks me two more times, long hot wild fucks, multiple positions - missionary, seated, doggy style, etc., i cum repeatedly, after the third he asks if i can go another round, normally i can, but tonite i'm tired and just can't.  the whole time he keeps saying how hot and sexy i am, complements my body, says he loves my masculine smell. 


Monday, February 13, 2012

'its like you're just any guy i invited over to fuck'

i did this new fuck the other day.   dark skinned guy of color, late 20's, stereotypical gay boy hot.  he only fucks boys, i am his first trans guy.

i get to his place we chat some, usual pointless prefuck chat then we get to fucking.  he is also a dom top - which for those who follow this blog know is a love of mine.  he is sitting back on his couch shirtless, toned chest, just a pair of shorts.  we start making out.  i'm rubbing his sizable cock through his shorts.  he pulls back and says 'you want this' looking towards his cock.  i nod.  he unzips and pulls out his dick.  he is already hard.  'suck it' he says.  i kneel between his legs and take him into my mouth.  he groans.  i slide my lips up and down his cock then take him down my throat.  after a bit he stops me he reaches down and pulls of my shirt then pushes my head back towards his cock.  he plays with my nipples as i suck him off.

'can i fuck that' he asks.  i nod.  stand up.  drop my shorts and grab a condom.  'sit on it' he says.  i slip on the condom lube him up and straddle him.  i slowly slide my cunt down his cock.  he moans as i take him in.  then i ride him.  sliding up and down his hard dick.  taking him in fully.  riding him hard.  'lets go to the bed' he says.  i nod.  slide off him and lie back on his bed.  he kneels between my legs and pushes his cock into me.  fucks me hard, our bodies pressed tightly together, his hips slamming between my legs, i'm gonna cum he groans, 'cum man' i say.  he fucks me faster and harder til he groans and shoots.

this was a good hot fuck.  however there are two things about this hook up that i loved and they both occurred after the fucking.

after he fucked the hell out of me we are lying back in bed chatting.  during this usual post fuck chat he only asked me one question related to me being trans, he asked when i started to transition, then he never mentioned it again.  i think this struck me as interesting because most gay (not bi or 'straight' or queer) dudes that i've hooked up with who have never done a trans dude before at least ask a few more questions or refer to me being trans in someway.  i say this to him.  he says, 'well, i thought the trans thing would be really different, but its not', he says it almost with a bit of disappointment, he says, 'its like you're just any guy that i invited over to fuck'.  i kind of luv it. 

the second thing was that after we fucked we hung out and chatted for a while over a drink on his balcony.  it was a warm summer nite.  we were not really vibing in that way that sometimes i vibe with my hook ups, where you both find each other interesting, yuh know where there is just that connect.  however he's a nice guy and neither of us have anywhere else we need to be.  we don't really have much to chat about as we have almost nothing in common.  so we start swapping hook up stories.  i majorly luv swapping hook up stories.  we chat for a good hour or so sharing tales.  worst hook up, weirdest hook up, hook up that he wanted more out of, hook ups that want more out of me.  he gave me advice about this hook up that i've been wanting to let go of.

for me often hook ups are pure fucking, usually there is some general chat, but its really just about fucking.  sometimes we vibe and connect more strongly though its still about fucking.  and sometimes a hook up is really just about two people making a connection and enjoying each others company in that moment, and not asking anything more of each other.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

transphobic rejection

i had to go to this book launch for my job.  gay event.  lots of queers around but mostly of the lesbian variety.  i'm hanging by the appetizer table pondering the scattering of mini carrots and cheese that make up the snack table when a sexy dark skinned dude walks up to me.  compact build, muscular, tight fade - cute.  he reaches out his hand and introduces himself.  we chat for a good hour or so.  just random chit chat about our lives etc.  neither of us seem to know a ton of people at the event so its nice to have someone to chat with. 

at some point during this chat i realize dude's totally hitting on me.  cool, he's nice and cute and i'm always up for some fun.  i normally arrange my hookups online but what the hell.  we talk about where were from, family, what we like to do for fun, etc.  every now and then he makes a comment about how sexy he finds me which makes me blush.  he asks for my digits so we exchange contact info.

later that nite i get a pretty lengthy text from dude about how into me he is and that he really wants to hang out and get to know me more, am i free the next night to go to an event with him, that kind of thing.  cool.  a little excessive but whatever.   this could be fun. 

however, somehow i kind of forgot about the trans bit. 

i don't know why, but when we were chatting and flirting at the event it was just fun and i really seriously forgot that dude doesn't know me, he didn't really know many people at the event so wouldn't have been able to ask about me, as a result its very likely he doesn't know i'm trans and thinks he's talking to a bio dude.  when i got his long text i realized i wanted to make sure dude knew the deal so i texted him back that i'm a trans guy and just wanted to make sure he knew. 

i never heard from him again. 

this really bothered me.  my best friend was like, whatever man, he's just a transphobic ass.  which is true.  i mean rejection always sucks but its not like i was all hot and bothered for dude or overly interested, i'm not desperate for a hook up right now, i thought he was cute and we could have a little fun together.  that's it.  its also not like i have not been rejected by guys before for being trans - i cannot count the number of times dudes have cut off communication or sent a polite rejection on learning my ftm status. 

so why did this particular incident bother me so much?  i think what it was about this interaction is that dude was really into me on a level of physical attraction and mental/emotional connection.  it was clear from our hour long chat at the event and his text after.  in that moment of flirting we were just two gay guys hitting it off and it was fun and sexy. 

in that moment i really just forgot that while i am a guy and gay as all hell that to some people i will never be a 'real guy' in their eyes.  one they can flirt with, date and/or fuck.

i really just forgot.  and that forgetfulness was kind of great.  

on the day to day i pass pretty easily.  and i work to hold the privilege in that.  however i'm always thinking about my transness whether its at the line at the store wondering what pronoun the teller will use or at the gym trying to shower or just walking down the street.

at this event though i was in a queer space that i knew to be pretty trans friendly.  thus i felt pretty comfortable and relaxed.  i also have met, chatted, fucked enough non trans gay dudes who have no issues with the fact that i'm trans that i've perhaps become over confident.   

when i'm online looking for someone to fuck its feel different.  i think its because its really all about fucking, its about a physical/sexual attraction based on looks, its about bodies and body parts.  if there is a connection beyond that all the better, but i don't and most people on those sites don't expect more.  so if a dude doesn't wanna play around with my particular anatomy as long as they are respectful it almost, not entirely, but almost feels like what i imagine it feels like when people choose who they are gonna fuck based on the type of cock they prefer.  fucked up but par for the course i believe in the world of online hook up sites.  

this rejection felt different and it pissed me off.   

when it comes down to it what really bothered me was that we were having a real person to person connection and it was a just an unwanted reminder of how quickly what happens to be between my legs can always change that