fighting to get tested

it had been six months since my last hiv test.  i like to get tested every 3 months as i am very sexually active (as most prevention folks will reccomend to gay men who are very sexually active).  I am almost always safe but there have been exceptions. 

3 months ago while at the doctor for other matters of the gynecological variety i asked the nurse if i could get an hiv test as i was there and it had been almost 3 months.  i keep track of these things so i know that it was basically like 3 days before it would be 3 months.  the nurse acted very put out from the moment i asked (this is a LGBT clinic by the way) and looked at my chart and said it hasn't been 3 months yet and before i could say anything else walked out the door.   i gave in and just did not push it.

i have written about this dynamic before (transfags of color are not at risk) where i assume that the nurse considers me low risk because she considers me a woman or at best to have 'female' genitals, probably assumes i fuck only women i.e. i'm a lesbian... whatever.... transphobic bullshit not to mention that non trans women who fuck non trans women also should be encouraged to get tested too...  sexist bullshit...

at this point it has been over six months and as always i'm nervous and anxious about being tested but i know its been six months and i need to do it.  i'm again already at the clinic so i ask for an hiv test.  the nurse is nice and says ok but she has to get someone else to do it as she is not certified yet.  cool.  i see my doctor and my appointment is over.  the nurse is no where to be seen.  i have to leave my exam room go find her and ask again for a test again.  she says, oh, sorry and says she will get someone to test me.

i wait for about another half an hour before finally someone comes to test me.  again this is a LGBT clinic that i know does tons of testing, its not a busy day, the floor i'm on is actually really empty of patients.  the nurse comes and she is someone i've seen before.  she tests me and i sit to wait out the 20 minutes - which of course is stressful and anxiety ridden.  20 minutes pass and i can hear the timer go off.  again no one comes for another 20 minutes which is not long but when you have already been agonizing for 20 feels like forever....  also in the past they have been really good about it and give the results right after the 20 minute period so my mind starts spinning into paranoid thoughts of maybe its taking so long to tell me because its positive....

finally the nurse walks in and says flippantly, "you knew your were negative John (not my real name)" and hands me the print out.  of course i'm relieved about the results but am annoyed by her attitude.  unless she didn't even bother to look at my screening paper work  which is possible i clearly marked that i had unprotected sex (it was one person and a particular situation) but she didnt ask so for all she knows i could have been having unprotected sex with hundreds of people.

i have never heard a gay man of color who lives in the big city that i live in say he had to fight to get an hiv test.  just feeling a bit tired of it all.

transfags of color are not "at risk"

so i just had some amazingly hot sex with this hot, sexy dude, guy of color, a bit of a cub, but that's for another piece...  our last post didn't have alot of fucking and neither does this one so I included links to some older fuck pieces for those who require them : )

part of all this anonymous play for me is a commitment to getting tested regularly. i prefer to get tested for hiv and stds every three months, but definitely at least every 6 months.

so it had been six months since i last got tested. the last time i got tested i went in because i had this sore throat that would not go away, figured i had strep or something. my regular doctor was not available so i had to see someone else. He took one look at me and asked if i've been having unprotected sex. I assume what he saw is a young, non trans gay boy of color (in my experience doctors rarely read charts, I can't count the number of times i've had to tell a doctor or nurse that i do not have a dick - at least as they think about it), i said i always use condoms except for oral, which was true at the time. he asked if its with one person or multiple. i say multiple - my army guy, beautiful boy , hometown play - to name a few. 

at which point he proceeded to test me AND treat me for every possible std, had me do a PCR HIV test which can tell if you've contracted HIV much sooner than the rapid tests, sent me to counseling for HIV testing, and told me he hoped that i keep using condoms so i don't turn up with HIV.  I appreciate getting tested but didn't appreciate the stigma and profiling and i don't like to get treated for things i don't actually have... 

anyways, turns out it was just a bad sore throat...

so in contrast, this time around i made an appointment for an HIV test and was scheduled to see an HIV counselor. I was really stressed out and nervous about it. I've been playing alot and usually play safe but i had on a few occasions recently been fucking raw (transfag barebacking).  mostly with guys who say that they are negative and whom i've known for a while, but many people who have hiv don't know it and condoms are not 100% and there is some risk with unprotected oral also... so generally being an anxious person, i was stressed out and worried for a while before my appointment and for a while after.

so i'm talking to the hiv counselor, she's fine, asks me how i identify as far as gender and sexuality, then she asks me the usual straight forward questions i.e. what type of sex, do you know the person's status, etc. all fine.

she does tell me that i shouldn't worry though, that its pretty unlikely that i will test positive, she actually says this repeatedly, which i though was an interesting thing for her to do.  

she sends me for a PCR test. as i'm walking to the lab i look down at the form. there are a number of risk categories. IV drug user, sex with someone positive, etc. the first risk category is men who have sex with men. She checked "no".

so i think what the fuck. i told you i'm a trans guy who's there cuz i let a non trans guy fuck me without a condom. the only difference between me and a non trans gay guy is the hole i let this particular guy put his dick. 

if i give her the benefit of the doubt i would say maybe it has something to do with the state and that my gender in the system is female and that i am sure state funding pays for the test - however this does not make it any better.

if i don't give the counselor the benefit of the doubt then i can assume that her understanding of trans communities is low and that when she asked me who i have sex with and i answered primarily men she took that to mean in some convoluded way that i am a straight woman (though non trans women of color who have sex with non trans men have the highest growing rates of hiv).

when i am read by doctors and nurses as a non trans, young, gay boy of color, not always, but most often i feel stigmatized, lectured, judged, condescended.  i'm not sure how to describe it fully but there is this hyper extremeness to the interaction, like they are sure i have an std, that i'm unsafe and irresponsible and they need to test and treat me as soon as possible.  this is very much about my perceived age, gender, sexuality and race.   the racism is very thick in these interactions with white health care providers.  people of color are seen as unclean, infected, unintelligent.  

i admit that i've made mistakes and there are times i've taken risks that i wish i had not however being judged and treated like an irresponsible walking risk do not help me to make better decisions.  

on the flipside when it is known that i am trans on the female to male spectrum i am seen as extremely low risk.  to the point where they won't test me, i am continually told that i am low risk and don't need to worry about it, and i have to insist on testing.  these encounters are very much about misconceptions of my gender and sexuality but also very much about racism and sexism.  women of color are seen as hypersensitive, emotional, less intelligent.  its hard enough to go into get tested, knowing i may need to fight for it does not make it any easier.  and to be honest sometimes i give into my self doubt and internalized oppressions and i don't fight. 

non trans gay men of color, particularly young gay men of color, still have the highest rates of HIV.  all us trans fags and genderqueers of color playing with all the same cocks and asses as other gays boys with all the same pressures and 'risk factors' plus a few more, yet we are not 'at risk'

the implications of this worry and depress me

this also got me thinking about the complicated, messiness of sex and the choices i make every day as a sexual being that put me at risk and if its worth all the profiling, stress, risk and anxiety.

playing for me is empowering - its empowering as a queer trans person to navigate sex with non trans guys, to be able to get what I want out of a fuck, to have people desire me, to know that my body is hot, and to feel sexy and confident in my body. And of course i just like sex.

all of which is clearly good for my well being maybe equally as much as the risk is harmful

so i continue to play and to be as safe as i can and to sometimes make mistakes and to own them as my own and to get tested and be anxious and just live with all the messy complicatedness of anonymous sex and fucking as a queer trans guy of color

safety

We’ve all heard the stories about the dangers of online hook ups. People getting gay bashed, robbed, sexually assaulted or even killed. For us trans and gender queer folks the danger is even more so – someone get’s ‘surprised’ by what you have under your clothes or can’t deal with their desire for those of us who cross genders and become violent. Trans women bear the brunt of this - too many of our community are killed every year.

Knowing all of this my co blogger and I believe in being as safe as possible. We want to share some things that we do to be safer, again these are things that work for us, do whatever works for you.

This is anonymous sex… so we use that anonymous part of the equation for safety. My co blogger and I use anonymous emails (not our personal emails). My co blogger uses a version of his real name, one he does not normally use. I use my real name spelled differently than I normally do. We don’t give out our last names nor say where we work (I do make an exception for regulars who I’ve been seeing for a while and have some trust for).

screen em  both of us do a good amount of email/text exchange ahead of time.  some level of communication ahead of time at least for both of us gives a sense of if its an ok hook up to do or one that's better to skip.  what we like to do and don't, what our limits are, safer sex requirements, etc.  

love google maps. So I am a bit of a nerd but I always google map where I’m going both to figure out how to get there, but also to get a bit of the lay of the land especially if its an area I don’t know. This way if I have to make a quick exit I’m not totally clueless. I always make sure I have bus fare and when I have the cash I make sure to have just enough hidden away to grab a cab if I need to. I used to try and do new hook ups before it gets dark, I don’t stick to that anymore, but when I first started it definitely made me feel more secure.

safety buds  My co blogger and I both have safety buddy’s, people that we send info about where we are going and whatever contact info we have for each new hook up. I only text my safety buddy if I’m going on a new hook up and he knows if he doesn’t hear from me after a couple of hours that he should be concerned….. To me this always feels more psychological than practical.

we always pack, our own supplies that is. So this is more on the safer sex tip, but its all connected, so I always make sure to bring my own safer sex supplies, in my experience usually the guy has his own, but its always good to be prepared.

what's in my pants,  this is just me, but I always try to make sure the guy know’s what he’s getting into, I’m not interested in having someone freak out when I pull down my pants or take off my shirt, this just feels safer to me. But particularly on this one, to each their own yuh know, I know some guys feel safer never bringing up the trans piece and negotiate sex however they need to feel safe.

So these are just a few strategies.  be safe : )

Also if there are things you do to keep safe please share

transfag barebacking

this piece is somewhat of a continuation of an earlier piece i wrote unsafe sex

this piece is about barebacking - fucking without a condom

However I want to be very clear from the start that I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

i do want to talk about it though

so this is how it started. i had been messaging with this guy late one night. hot, muscular guy. that stereotypical gay boy kind of sexy. we had been messaging for a while. he had only been with non trans guys - never been with a trans guy or any other gender for that matter. And he really wanted to try pussy fucking. I was pretty horny and really wanted a hook up.

We kept chatting and the messages were getting me even more turned on. Then he asked if he could fuck me without a condom (this is not an unusual request from guys) he said he was negative, tests regularly, etc. I said no. Safe only. He said yeah he knows but he just wants to feel what it feels like. I say no man sorry we gotta be safe. At which point he says can i just put it in once to see how it feels.

I stop and consider it.

This is when i make a bad decision, i don't know why, maybe i let my hornyness get the better of me, maybe its that i'm a little buzzed, i don't know... I rationalize in my head, well just once, that's low risk, what's the big deal. So I say ok, just once.

He's really close by so i hop on my bike and head over. We chat a little, he is just as hot in person as his pics. I suck him off some and climb on top off him. He is not very aggressive so i'm taking the lead. I guide him into me raw. I'm taking the lead so I own this as all of my own, it definitely becomes more than one stroke, its very hot, and i get lost in it. After a couple of minutes he says he's getting close. I come to my senses enough at this point to stop, grab a condom and slip it over his cock, we fuck a few minutes more before he cums.

I can hear all of what folks are thinking as you're reading this cuz i would think the same thing. This was not a smart thing to do - even though safer sex education does not target trans people and definitely does not target trans guys or gender queers folks - at least in most urban centers safer sex messaging is pretty clear - its safer to use a condom.

I've never met this guy before, I don't know anything about him really, he could be lying about getting tested, even if he isn't there is a window period so unless you get tested and then are abstinent for 3-6 months there is no way to know and most people who are positive don't know it. Not even mentioning other STDs… Yeah, there was no exchange of cum, but there probably was exchange of pre-cum and I’m just lucky that he didn’t try to keep fucking me and was cool with stopping and rubbering up.

While some of it may have been that i really wanted to fuck this guy and was worried he would turn me down if i said no. And i could try and rationalize it to internalized transphobia and low self esteem, which is the reason that the few studies there have been about transfags would give for it, i'm not disagreeing with those studies or disregarding that reality.

Its just that if i really think about it and am honest with myself I don't think that was really it.

I was buzzed at the time so i'm sure that was a factor. However lots of guys have asked to fuck raw before, and some of those times i've been buzzed or even more than buzzed, and I have always said no.

Having come into my own as a gay guy with lots of access to safer sex information fucking a hook up without a condom was something i never even considered. So what happened?

If it had just been the one incident maybe i could have let it got but the thing is that sometime after this particular incident i went through this period where i was taking alot of risks. meaning on more than one occasion i was barebacking - pussy fucking without a condom. it was always with guys i consider regulars, so it was not like my 'let me put it in once guy' who i had never met before and never saw again, this only makes it marginally less risky - but its still very very risky.

the first time was with one of my regulars who i really like beyond fucking and we've been playing around for a couple months now, he asked and i said yes, he says he's negative, he doesn't play around and just got out of a monogamous relationship, somehow i rationalized that all in my head to mean it was ok (though there are countless reasons why its not). i have to admit we fucked raw more than once.

the 2nd time was with a guy who is a nice guy, fun to fuck, he is very gay and plays around some, we've known each other for a couple months as well. we were in the midst of playing around and i told him to put on a condom, he stopped and said "do we have to? i just tested negative last month". i said "well that doesn't mean anything there's a 3 month waiting period" to which he said "i know that's how i test, i've been safe in the last 3 months and its not like i've hooked up with that many guys anyways". Note all this convo is happening with us both naked, him perched over me with his hard cock pointed right at me. I waiver, i really want to, so i say yes, just don't cum inside me, so we fuck raw and its very hot.

so the last time was with a new regular, i like him, but i need to keep reminding him that this is NSA, he says he's neg tested a few months ago, gay, plays around some, we're fucking around and i guide him into me raw, he doesn't ask, i just do it, i want it. he looks at me and says is this ok. i say yeah. we fuck and at various points both of us say we should stop until finally we do before he cums.

the last time was when i realized that i needed to figure out what the hell was going on with me. that was actually when i started working on this piece.

none of it made sense, these guys are regulars, i have no fear of rejection with them in fact, i don't want to sound egotistical but all three of them are very into me, we've fucked before with condoms and i know we will fuck again with condoms. drinking was only a factor with one of them. i wasn't particularly depressed or down. so what the hell was i doing?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while. I know that I feel a great deal of shame about it, clearly I should know better, yet I believe shame and the silence that often follows do not serve anyone well.

If I'm honest with myself i believe the first guys request of just one stroke, then my regulars 'safer' (with very big quotes) sexual histories were a way for me to rationalize doing something I hadn't realized that i wanted so badly - sex without barriers - flesh on flesh - to feel a warm cock stroking me - to feel the skin of a cock inside me.

Let me be very clear I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

I'm just trying to be honest and real with myself. I'm just trying to figure out how to live safer in the future and the only way i know how is to be real with myself about why i made those decisions.

Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you". While I'm sure she never considered it being used in this context, I think about this quote when i think about all this.

I believe if i speak this need, this desire that i have, then its real and not shameful. Even if i only speak it to myself.

Once its real, once i acknowledge it and stop hiding behind an image of safety, then i can decide if, when and how to fulfill this desire without putting myself at such high risk, without just giving into this desire at random moments when i can rationalize it in my head.

I'm owning this desire because i need to take care of myself and its the only way i know how.

NOTE: My thinking on the topic of fucking without a condom has been greatly influenced by blogger Brandon Lacy Campos' writing on the subject, particularly this piece,

bareback sex human needs vs condoms

Check out his blog, his analysis, honesty, realness and beauty are inspiring.

my first time

I had seen his ad on Craigslist something along the lines of bio guy looking for an ftm. I had just started exploring the world of anonymous play with non trans guys, but had yet to actually do a hookup. I had been surfing the net a lot – reading mystery fag and transfag blogs which are hot if you have not read them check them out. I also had read the safer sex for trans guys guide a ridiculous amount of times. Nerd that i am i had done my homework.

I had posted on Craigslist and gotten a lot of response, a few interesting, a few creepy, and a lot in between. I was on Manhunt and Adam4Adam but in a very tentative kind of way which for me looked like a clothed pic and blurry face pics and a profile that didn’t say much. I had chatted with some guys, but I had yet to set something up.

His ad said he’d been with trans guys before so I decided to message him. He responded right away and we exchanged pics. He was cute, late 20’s or so, black guy, skinny. We chatted for a while exchanging a lot of emails. So he said when you want to meet. I was pretty nervous about it all, but there really wasn’t anymore to say via email, I put it off for a bit, but then decided to just go for it and we set a date.

That night I put on a cute outfit, made sure I was bound up (i used to worry that because i have not had top surgery it would turns guys off but that has not been an issue so far), trying to look as 'guy' like as possible, I headed out. I was nervous but excited.

When I was a few blocks from his place I texted him, he said he would meet me outside. I got to his place. He looks different than I expected, extra skinny, very gay, not my kind of hot, but not unattractive, he just got off work so has on a button up and slacks. I say stupid nervous stuff as we head up to his apartment. He takes me to his room which is incredibly neat. We sit on his bed and chat about random stuff. Then he says you are way cuter than your pictures. I just smile.

He leans in and kisses me. We kiss for a while, he is a really good kisser. He's very confident which i like, he unbuttons my shirt and pulls of my top and binder and unbuttons my pants, I pull them off and help him with his. I’ve been pussy fucked before, but never with a live cock. I’m nervous.

As a result, I don’t remember a whole lot about the fucking except that it was good and not long but not short and that there were some hot moments. I also let him fuck me in the ass which was incredibly painful and a little messy which I felt embarrassed about but he didn’t care. The ass fucking wasn’t particularly enjoyable and I know that at the time I did it because I felt I needed to in order to fuck gay boys.

After we fucked, we chatted more about our lives, he kept saying how hot i was, how sexy I am, how he’s sure I can get any guy I want. It was a definite ego boost. As I’m getting up to go he asks if I want to see him again, he says be honest, I’m not sure but say yes.

Heading home, I stop at a coffee shop to use the bathroom and clean up. I don’t know yet to just ask to use the bathroom and rinse off before I leave a hookup. My ass is sore, I feel like I smell like sex, I clearly need a shower. To be honest while I would like to say I was totally happy and excited, I remember mostly feeling glad that I hadn’t been killed, robbed or made to do things I didn’t want – basically I remember feeling sticky, sore and relieved that I had finally done it.

I got home, showered, and made some food. Once I was feeling a little more together I remember smiling to myself – I felt good in my body – good that I had overcome my fear and nervousness, good that I had taken control of my sexuality in a way I had not before, good to be desired and considered hot and sexy, just good in all off my little transboy gayness.

The Craigslist Hook Up

One of the least enjoyable aspects of the anonymous sex scene is what I refer to as the "setting up" stage. The moment when you're horny as all hell and you've exhausted the million different ways to fuck yourself with your favorite dildo and you're way overdue for someone else to be wielding a cock in your general direction. So you hop onto one of the sites - craigslist, adam4adam, manhunt, etc. Some sites are more effective than others. I've tried all three of these with varying success.

Craigslist is a "you gotta work for it" kinda site. First there's the ad development phase. You have to decide how you want to describe your "trans-ness". Using terms like FTM, Trans Man, Trans Boy, has to be a deliberate choice, because each term draws a particular type of "gent". If you describe yourself as "FTM", you're more likely to draw a guy, for whom attraction for trans men has been tried, tested, and proven to be true. He can actually say "female to male" without tripping over words and looking seriously confused. This is my favorite kind of CL hook up because the sex is usually hot. If you describe yourself as a "Trans Boy", then expect the "daddy" types to hit you up. For some reason, the term "Trans Man" draws a lot more guys who are actually looking for trans women. Go figure.

Once the ad has been placed and the responses start trickling or rolling in, then the real work begins. Some men aren't scared to air their shit - they'll send cock pics right away, want to meet that day, and eagerly list all the many dirty things they'd like to do to you. Others are shy and hesitant. They're usually living a totally straight (and narrow) life with a girlfriend or wife, so every once in a while they gotta get a little kink in their life and that's where you come in. I generally steer clear of these guys, because, well...there's just too much potential for drama. Then there are the fools who, even after you've been clear about what being a trans guy means in your ad, you've emailed back and forth about this, they've seen your pictures (face and torso), they know about the facial hair, somehow after all this they're expecting (hoping and praying for) you to look more like a butch woman. I can tell you from experience, very rarely does meeting up with a guy like this result in sex (or even good sex). Once in a while, yes, a dude surprises the hell out of you and you walk away all glowing and shit, but most of the time, it results in nothing or nothing to write home about. You may have to wade through tons of responses from CL, a lot of them icky, and really only find one guy that you'd disrobe for, which is quite common, as well as time consuming! So, yeah, the CL hook up usually requires a lot of work.

unsafe sex

So I hooked up with one of my regulars tonite, I don’t like to write about my regulars too much, but it was very hot, there is a category of regulars I like where I just feel very comfortable, no surprises, just good fucking. Basically I hadn’t fucked anyone in over two weeks due to travel and illness so I was majorly in need…. Now I’m home and I’m surfing the web. Not looking to play anymore tonite, just looking around…

So my co blogger and I are strong believers in Safer Sex. Though I will admit that there are times that I’ve been unsafe…

the time the condom slipped, my regular or two who I let fuck me without a condom, that I never use a condom for oral sex.... I say this because I think its important to be real and honest, while I would like to say that I practice safer sex 100% of the time, that’s not my reality.

I value my life and my health and I love and respect all my hiv positive family, most of the time I won’t fuck without a condom, at the same time I think its important to be real and I believe shame has never improved anyone’s health or life.

I believe in being safe, I believe in harm reduction, I believe in getting tested regularly, I believe no one should make you do something you don’t want to do, nor should you do something cuz you feel like no one else will want to fuck you, trans people are beautiful and sexy and there are lots of people who want to fuck us – this I know without a doubt.

Yet its complicated, when i let my regular fuck me without a condom, why do i do it? Sometimes shit happens, sometimes our beliefs and our actions don't align and i could lie and say that i'm always safe but I guess i'm looking for a sexual reality that's real - which at least for me means a little messy....

That said here is a really good resource about safer sex and ftm’s best one I’ve found. be safe : )

http://www.queertransmen.org/