"do i have a gut?" - quick fucks and body image continued

lately i've been hanging out more frequently with a crew of non trans gay guys of color ranging in ages from 20's to 40's all very apolitical not at all in the activist left leaning circles i usually run.  they are generally all good, kind caring guys and i have fun hanging out with them for the most part.

one of the first pieces i wrote for this blog was about body image and hook ups - "do i have a gut".  I've been thinking more about this lately due to this new crew i've been hanging with.  the incredible pressure that gay guys internalize around body image.

every single guy, except for one, in this group of long time friends has had some type of surgery to make his body closer to that stereotypical gay male ideal, in some cases more than one.  i had of course heard about gay guys and plastic surgery but i figured it was a wealthy white gay boy kind of thing.

These guys are not rich at all, they saved up thousands of dollars for these procedures.  from hair plugs (dude was in his 20's when he got them) to butt implants, calf implants, and pec implants to surgeries to lose weight like lap bands and lipo.  

while i have not had any surgeries i know that i am as sucked into the gay male body idealism as anyone else.  and i do believe it has gotten progressively worse.  i find myself more self conscious of my body when fucking then i used to be.  i used to think about how i look while i'm fucking periodically.  now i find its a pretty regular occurrence.  'ugh, it looks like i have a gut right now'...  and then it definitely intersects with my internalized transphobia, thoughts like 'he's probably looking at my hips and thighs'....

its gotten to the point that i've realized in some convoluded way sometimes i would rather not fuck dudes who are toned and cut because it makes me extra self conscious about my own body.

its become pretty clear to me that the sizeism of the gay boy world has brought me back to a place.  like many folks raised as girls for most of my childhood starting as young as seven and into my teen years i saw myself as overweight and unattractive.  please note this is only my experience, every trans guy relates to how they were raised and socialized differently i.e. some trans guys were socialized as boys.

in college however i was exposed to a politic that sought to fight the sexist, racist, sizeist ideals of beauty.  that centered a belief that everyone is beautiful and that what you wear or look like is not what's important but who you are, what you believe and what you do.  for many years i embraced this belief.

when i started hormones i definitely became more conscious of how i dress and look as a means to pass.  and no doubt there is alot of sizeism and body image pressure in the transmasculine world but for some reason it didn't impact me so much i believe largely because my core communities sought to resist this and held strong to a body positive politic.

but now the gay boy hook up world is definitely messing with my head.  i believe strongly everyone should love their body and everyone is sexy in their own way.  but applying that belief to myself has gotten more and more difficult.

holiday fuck

i was out of town visiting fam for the holiday.  i was getting hit up alot on all the sites - a wide variety of cuties.  however, i'm here to spend time with my family who i don't see often and it doesn't feel right to leave them alone while i go fuck some dudes.  i am in town for nearly two weeks though so i figure i'll give myself one day to play.  i decide on this one dude because he is interesting, into bdsm, lots of tats, brown skin, just a little taller than me so not a big guy but very cute.

however he is very, very persistent which is a flag for me, not always but often in my experience overly persistent guys either want more than just a fuck i.e. become stalkerish and/or want to be your husband after the first meet up or are desperate for a fuck for a wide range for reasons....(no judgement, just not my thing) but there is something about this particular guy that intrigues me.

we chat on and off for a few days.  i will be his first trans guy.  even though getting to him will be a trek i decide to go for it over closer options.    the day arrives when we have arranged to meet.  i tell my family i'm meeting a friend and head for the bus.  i'm still feeling unsure and nervous about this hook up.  i know that its largely because i'm not on my home turf so feel off my game.  there is also something about his look that is borderline hot/serial killer...  i mean he is very nice but aren't most serial killers nice at the start?  he offers to pick me up repeatedly which i decline, i always feel safer being able to get to a hookup on my own.  he seems to sense my uncertainty suggesting i take a picture of his home and text it to someone when i get there.  which actually makes me more nervous in some kind of weird way i.e. maybe this means i definitely should be nervous.

however i decide to proceed.  its a long bus ride and the bus stop is a bit of a trek to his place, i stop and pick up some beers on the walk.  i finally get there and his home reassures me, for some reason i was picturing a small house, with an empty yard and one car in the front, i don't know why that says serial killer to me...  but instead its a small home with no real yard, a kayak hanging in the garage, a couple cars in front (turns out he has a roomie), a mountain bike chained to the fence.

he lets me into his place which is neat and clean (a thing i have) and has a really nice view.  he is cuter than his pics in person.  he says his roomie is home but doesn't care.  i tell him i brought some beers to which he says he does not drink.  i immediately feel like an ass, i usually ask guys before i bring beer, so much of our communities are in recovery and all.  i apologize and say i don't need to drink and start to put the beer away.  but he say's no its cool, he has been in recovery for a while and doesn't have cravings anymore and he wants me to be comfortable.  he cracks one open and hands it to me.

i take a few sips.  he says you are so cute and sexy and runs his hands down my back.  i smile and put the beer down.  we start making out and he is a very good kisser.  i pull off his shirt and take off mine.  he has the most incredible six pack i have ever seen.  i lie back on the bed and he lies on top of me kissing and grinding.  he starts to suck my nipples which is always an immediate turn on for me.   i reach down for his belt, undue his jeans and stroke his sizable cock through his briefs.  he's hard.  i push him back and we both strip.  i lie back on his bed buck naked.  he says 'you are so hot' as he looks down at me.

i sit up and take his hard thickness in my mouth.  my tongue sliding up and down his length, my lips wrapped around his head.  he groans.  i go at him for a bit then he stops me and asks if he can give me a massage.  nice.  he turns me onto my back and begins to rub oil down my back, ass, legs, his sizable hands kneading my shoulders and moving down.  then he turns me over and begins kissing my nipples and moves down between my legs.  he licks at my clit with the tip of his tongue.  asks if its ok, i tell him to do it a bit lighter, which he does and it feels fucking amazing.  his tongue slides up and down the length of me repeatedly, slipping in and out of me.  i'm very wet and at this point i want more.

i stop him and ask if he has a condom.  he grabs one out of his dresser and puts it on the bed, but then pushes me back plunging his head between my legs.  i just can't get enough he says as his tongue circles my clit.  finally i really can't take anymore and i push him onto his back, grab the condom and slip it on.  then i mount him, slowly as he is a good size, i slide slowly down his cock until he is deep inside me.  we both moan.  i ride him taking the full length of him then pull him on top of me and he fucks me deep, his hips pounding between my legs our bodies rubbing tightly together my legs entwined with his.  we fuck hard and fast, i grab his ass pushing him deep with each stroke.  then he sits up so he's kneeling and can watch his cock sliding in and out of me.  he reaches over and grabs a vibrator from his dresser and places its tip on my clit as he fucks me.  the thrusting of his cock and the vibrations on my clit are bringing me very close.

then he pulls me over so i'm riding him again.  our bodies are slick with the massage oil.  i ride him slow at first, feeling his thickness, then faster, my clit sliding against him as i ride, until i cum collapsing on top of him.  he is still hard as a rock however, but he pulls out and wraps me in a spoon.   we rest for a bit and i look up and realize i've been there over two hours at this point and i need to go.  he says you have to go huh?  i say yeah, but you haven't even cum.  he says no worries, it was more than hot.

i feel a bit bad but not enough to be late to meet my fam so we both clean up.  he insists on at least driving me part of the way which i accept.  on the way we chat he is a really nice guy but i realize that my initial instincts were somewhat right on.  if i actually lived here i think he would have already had boyfriend visions in his head.  however this was definitely a hot fuck.  he drops me off and we part with a quick kiss.  

quickie

i was out of town visiting family.  i had just finished working out at the local gym.  it was about 7am or so.  i logged onto scruff cuz there is a starbucks next to the gym re:  free wifi.  this dude i had been chatting with hit me up.  i said well i'm just leaving the gym but if your up for a quickie i'm game, where yuh at?  he sent me his address and he was very close by.  i said i can head over now if you like, do you have condoms?  he said no do you?  But don't worry i'm hiv negative.  i said no i don't have one (i was just going to the gym not expecting play....) and safe only.  he says let me look.  his next message says, ok found one.  cool i say.  i'll head over.

he says i want you to come in, get on your knees, suck me off hard and then bend over and let me fuck you from behind with your clothes still on.  then i want to pull out and cum on your asshole.  i say all cool, but you can cum on my back.

i head over, get a bit lost on the way but it really takes less than five minute.  i knock and he lets me in.  his cock is already out and he's stroking it.  its dark in his living room. i say are you the only one home?  he says no.  i take off my hoodie and drape it over a chair.  get on my knees and take his cock into my mouth.  i suck him off good and hard.  to be honest i barely looked at the dude.  i vaguely remember from his profile that he's a cute 20's something bearded type.  after a bit i pull back he's erect but not as hard as i prefer but i'm ready to be fucked.

he picks up a condom, lubes up.  i turn around, drop my gym shorts and briefs down to my knees and bend over his couch.  he pushes into me doggy style.  fucks me hard and fast.  i grunt and moan as i take his cock.  after a bit he pulls out.   strips off the condom and begins jerking off.  i do the same.  stroking my clit as he strokes his dick.  as i feel his cum spurt on my back i begin to cum.  he shoots a huge, huge load all over me.  when we are both done he says don't move.  his cum is dripping all over me, down my back, onto my ass.  he grabs a towel, wipes me up, somewhat.  i pull up my gym shorts his cum making the fabric stick to my legs.  thank him and head out the door.  hop back in the family car and head home for a shower. 

finger fucking

I really liked fingering her.

It was the way she'd grab me and squeeze, her wetness coating my finger as I stroked. I loved the way her body would buckle when my finger curled inside her, rubbing a spot that'd make her moan and scream. She came faster and more often than any one I'd ever fucked. The first time we made out, we were chilling on my sofa, sexual tension in the air so thick. I could tell she wanted me to make the move and I'm usually the trepidatious one when it comes to first moves.
"Can I kiss you?" I finally asked.
"Don't you mean may I?" Yes, yes, she'd been giving me sexy snarkiness all night. Her brand of flirtatiousness I guess.

She was all tongue when we kissed and I loved it. The longer we kissed the more turned on I got, like I was falling into some lust-ridden ocean. Have you ever experienced that? A lust that just deepens and deepens till it feels way bigger than you and the other person (or persons) creating it? Before I knew it her tank was down to her waist. Her hands were up my A-shirt. We were twisting our bodies to fit in that couch, not noticing how uncomfortably cramped it was because we just wanted to get closer and closer.

My hand crept up her bare thigh to her wet panties and I played on the outside of her, enjoying the feel of her moisture soaked underwear and her pussy beneath. She felt hot under there and I wanted to slip my finger through the fabric and into her. Instead I held back and slowly circled her hard clit, which I could feel. She sighed into my mouth, her tongue working mine more vigorously, her hand around my neck, craning to bring me closer to her if that was even possible given how physically wrapped around each other we already were. Eventually she stood up, took my arm and dragged-pulled me into my dimly lit bedroom. She was not shy, this one. She pushed me onto my bed, straddled me and slowly took off her tank and sports bra. I tried to sit up because I really wanted to lick and suck her nipples, but she held me down and roughly pulled off my a-shirt. Then she placed both hands on my chest, moved her skirt out of the way and ground her hot and wet panty-ed crotch on mine. She moved like she knew what the fuck she was doing. My hands wrapped around her round ass and squeezed, grinding her hard, internally cursing the shorts and boxers barrier between our bare pussies. I wanted to feel her but I wanted her to decide when. Eventually she grabbed my shoulders and did this hot flip over thing and then I was on top and she pulled my head down to her chest. I hungrily lapped and sucked and encircled with my tongue, alternating between nipples.

At first I was gentle, but her sighs and moans and groans got me hungrier so I bit hard on a nipple.
She emitted a "yes..." while her legs curled underneath me. I spread them, moved her panties to one side with my fingers and my god she was so fucking wet.

"You're so fucking wet," I said into her breast where my mouth was still planted, kissing and licking while my middle finger parted her pussy and plunged into her quickly, making her buckle and twist and utter unintelligibles. I wanted her bad. This wasn't going to be no slow n' gentle finger fucking. As I fucked her I licked and bit my way from her breasts up her neck to her open mouth and her tongue was ready. I sucked that too. She reciprocated with mine. Our mouths clasped and wouldn't let go. Down below, my middle finger was curling and uncurling, gently twisting, roughly going in and out. Our mouths unclasped.

"Oh god...," she muttered
"You like that?"
"Yes...god." I slipped in another finger which made for an even tighter fit.
"You like me fucking your pussy?" I was whispering into her ear and she must have liked that because I felt more wetness on my fingers and hand.
"Yes...oh god...don't stop. I'm gonna..." Her body did the buckling and winding thing beneath me. Her hands around me tightly. Suddenly I wanted to see my what my fingers were doing. I wanted to see her pussy swallow them in. So I moved down her stomach, kissing and licking on my way down and the sight that awaited me was just...

I wanted to fuck her deeper. Normally my strap-on cock would have made an appearance, but she just felt so damn good on my fingers. I lifted and bent one of her legs 90 degrees style, which opened her more and I slipped in deeper. The way her pussy would grab me was heaven. The wetness, the sounds as I slipped in and out, all of this just drove me wild.
"I could fuck you all night," and I meant it. Just as I said that she tightened around me. I didn't think she could get any tighter and I felt her orgasm start building, so I moved faster. Feeling every surface of her, curling and flicking my fingers inside her. She got really loud as she came and her body arched off the bed and damn what a beautiful sight. When she came down from that, she pulled me to her and held me in a tight embrace.

A few minutes later, I still lay on top of her. We kissed softly and gently, over and over and over. No tongue. Just wet lips clasping and unclasping, making loud suction sounds, hmm-ing from time to time. Then her hands wrapped around my shoulder, the kisses grew more urgent, her legs parted and my hand started sliding down...

just a good fuck

dude had hit me up on line the day before but i wasn't free.  twink of color.  twinks are usually not my type but he has a huge cock and that's what i happen to be looking for at the moment.  he has never been with a trans guy before.  we arrange to meet up.  he is mad late which is annoying.  he shows up and he is actually not twinkish at all.  big tall corn fed type.  not skinny, not muscular, not big or bearish.  very hot.  very much my type.  he's also incredibly smooth which i'm starting to realize is my preference.

we chat a bit over a beer then get to it.  we kiss our clothes still on. he's a good kisser.  i pull off his shirt and take of mine.  we kiss and grind just feeling each other's bodies.  i kneel down between his legs and unbutton his jeans pulling out his sizable cock.  i put him in my mouth and blow him.  he's big but for some reason i'm able to deep throat him which is very hot.  usually i can only deep throat with smaller guys.

i pull back and take of his jeans.  i strip and lie back on the bed.  he sucks my nipples and plays with my clit. then he spreads my legs and kneels down between them.  i feel his tongue on my clit, stroking it, then i feel his tongue inside me, as he licks the full length of me.  he seems like he could do this for a while but i can only take so much.  i stop him and push him onto his back.

i blow him a bit but he's fully hard and clearly ready.  i grab a condom (magnum xl) slip it on him, lube him up and put his tip to my hole.  i take it slow as he is big.  easing him into me until i can take the full length then i ride him.  as i ride him he moans and say my name.  hot.

so this was a very long session - it lasted 2 and half hours thus i can only give highlights.

he is kneeling between my legs, stroking me slow and steady, i can feel an orgasm building, nothing is touching my clit, the size of his cock and the angle of his fuck are making me cum.  he keeps stroking me as my body starts to tighten, i moan and grab his arms, his cock plunging in and out of me, so thick its stimulating my clit, i have never cum like this before, i throw my head back my eyes closed and cum hard

he is in a seated position and i'm riding him.  i'm fucking the full length of him, slamming my body onto his cock hard and fast and he's raising his hips to meet me.  its hard and loud and the bed threatens to break as we fuck each other.

he turns me over onto my hands and knees.  pushes the head of his cock into me.  slowly just the head at first.  then he begins stroking me slow i look back see him watching his cock slide in and out of me sometimes just the tip other times giving me his full length.  like he's exploring different ways to fill me.

we literally fucked for about 2 and a half hours non stop. towards the end i told him i couldn't do anymore.  he stripped off the condom and i blew him a bit then he jerked off,  stroking himself while playing with my clit.  blows his load on my chest.

a daddy fuck

it was about 11pm.  i had just gotten home after a party which i left early.  i was feeling a bit down.  not a good reason to go on a hook up but it is what it is.  i know that sometimes i use hookups as an escape mechanism.  gotta write a piece about that.

i get on the sites and immediately this guy who i had chatted with before hit me up.  he has a nice body lots of tats which i'm into but is only somewhat attractive to me.  however he lives a few blocks away so i decide to go for it.

i grab my supplies and a few beers and head over to his place.  he is older than he looks in his pics still only somewhat attractive to me.  he has this old, latin daddy thug type thing going though that is a bit of a turn on.  we open the beers.  i take a drink and he pulls me towards him.  starts kissing me and feeling my body.  i put the beer down.  no prefuck chat needed here.  he says you are so hot.  you look just like a little boy.  he unbuttons his khakis.  i kneel down.  he says 'suck daddy's cock boy'.  i take him into my mouth.  he is already hard.  sizable and uncut.  i go at him.  he grabs my head with his hands guiding my strokes.  i try to deep throat him but he's too big.

i pull back and go to my bag for condoms and lube.  i slip a condom on him and lube him up.  he bends me over his couch, spreads my legs and pushes into me.  i slow him down as he is big and i need to get used to him.  when i'm ready i push back hard and he starts to pound me.  hands on my hips fucking me hard his balls smacking into my clit as he fucks me.  this goes on for quite sometime, hard, rough fucking.  then i stop him and lie back on his couch.  he mounts me slides his dick into me  and pounds his hips between my legs.  he says 'you like daddy's cock boy?'  as he's fucking me.

then he turns me over onto my stomach and push his cock into me from behind.  grinding into me, my face smashed into his couch, he plays with my clit as he fucks me and i cum hard.

i pull him down onto the couch and get on top of him.  i slide down his cock and ride him.  i tighten around his cock on each upward stroke.  he moans 'yeah boy'.  i fuck him hard and fast til he cums, shooting a huge load inside me.

i slip off him, ask to use his bathroom, pee, dress, grab my stuff, thank him and kiss him goodbye.  he tells me to text him so he know's i got home ok.

Grins

i've been going through a bit of a hookup slump.  the kind of slump where i'm just not sure what i'm looking for alot of the time.  case in point this friday nite.  i am an introvert.  this means that i need to make sure i have an adequate amount of alone time.  the last few weeks were full of alot of socializing  as a result i had not had enough alone time and was very grouchy.  friday nite i had no plans except to spend time with myself.  however at some point i started to feel a bit horny.  like i wanted to do a hookup.

i had not done one in a very long time, at least a few weeks.  i pondered hitting up one of my regulars but i was not feeling like anything long or involved.  all my regulars right now are not short fucks.  they are nice guys and we often chat a bit before they proceed to fuck me for hours.  so i got on the sites to see what was happening.  again i just was not sure what i wanted and was also having a very slow nite.  after not many hits and none of them interesting i called it a nite.

the next day i decided to post an ad on craigs list which i have not done in a very very long time.  CL just tends to feel like more work than the sites and i am lazy.  in my ad i said i wanted something short and sweet.  fuck me then leave.  that's it.  surprisingly right away i got a good number of interesting responses.  in the past this has never happened to me before.

a thick well endowed tatted and muscled dude, a clean cut young guy, a 'straight' guy, and a scruffy type were my top choices.  as usual my indecisiveness kicked in and i couldn't decide which one i wanted to do.  i decided to go with the first one who hit me up - the thick well endowed tatted dude for no real reason except that he hit me up first -lol.

we arranged a meet up for the afternoon.  dude came over and was cute and muscled like his pics and definitely well endowed.  he fucked me for a bit but then he couldn't keep it up.  instead he sucked me off and finger fucked me then i blew him.  all good but i was really looking for a fuck...

dude left and i was still horny.  i had been chatting with someone that morning on one of the sites who lives a block away.  however i had not pursued it as i already was having trouble making a decision.  but now i'm horny and frustrated.  i get on line and he's there.  small, skinny, young asian guy.  i'm not usually into younger nor into ultra skinny however he is a block away and i'm horny.  we start chatting, he says he's gotta head out soon, so we decide on a quicky and he heads over.  only thing is that he's never done a trans guys before wants to but is nervous/unsure.  so this could go either way.

he's there in five minutes, cuter that his pics.  we chat a bit and then start making out.  we're kissing and grinding. he's on top of me and i can feel his hard on through his jeans.  its very hot.  we have surprising sexual chemistry like i have not had with someone in a while.  yuh know when you both are just into each other's bodies, each other's vibe.  we strip and make out some more then we look at each other and grin.  which thinking back on it is kind of funny, we're both looking at each other naked with silly grins on our faces - we just couldn't help it.

i blow him for a bit, he's got a nice average size cock, i like a wide range of cock sizes.  he plays with my nipples while i blow him.  i grab a condom slip it on and ride him.  we're both moaning our bodies grinding.  again we look at each other and grin...  he flips me over and fucks me missionary style which is my fav.  i raise my hips to meet each stroke and he moans.  he pulls back, puts my legs on his shoulders and fucks me fast and hard.  i pull him back on top of me, grab his ass and raise my hips fucking him til i cum.

then he turns me over on my hands and knees and fucks me doggy.  fast strokes our bodies smacking against each other.  he says i'm gonna make him cum.  i say go right ahead man.  he fucks faster and moans as he shoots inside me.

we both collapse on the bed.  he rolls off me and we both turn to each other and grin.  we chat a bit but i know he's gotta go.  as he's leaving we do the usual lets do it again maybe chat and laugh as we realize we have not even exchanged names.

i couldn't get it in

this has never happened to me before.  i just did this hook up and i couldn't get it in.  i've done some big dudes before - the giant cock, Mr Thick, to name a few.  however i've never come across one that i really could not get in at all.

on a side note, i used to think that i knew my limits for example, there is one dude i had been chatting with who is fourteen inches and i don't think he is exaggerating.  i was gonna give it a go however i found out he was also thicker than a beer can so i got scared and didn't pursue it.

however with this dude we had been chatting on and off for some time but our schedules had not lined up, i knew he was a good size but really had no idea...

one morning i unexpectedly had the day off work and i woke up extra horny.  i got online to see what i could make happen.  i had a few dudes pending when this guy hit me up.  dark skinned skinny guy and he was ready to come over right away so i said yeah lets make it happen.

dude came over.  not a talker at all.  i'm used to a little pre fuck chat but he barely said two words.  no problem on my end.  i just want to get fucked.  he lies back on the bed and i run my hand up his thigh.  i feel his sizable cock through his jeans.  he is not even hard yet.  we kiss and make out some.  i pull of his shirt and unbutton his fly.  he pulls off his jeans and i realize he is huge.  long and ridiculously thick.    i suck him off the best i can which is not that great so i kind of give up.

then i try to slip a magnum on him.  i feel bad as i do it as it just looks like its squeezing his dick in a way that must be incredible painful.  however again he doesn't say anything. i push him onto his back and i try to get him into me but i can't.  this has never happened before.

he turns me over so i'm on my hand and knees and he fucks me for a bit, just the tip, that's all he can get in and even that is actually painful.  finally we give up.

i lie back and he finger fucks me, then he says he wants to taste me and blows me til i cum.  he however has not cum.  i suck him off some but i know i'm not doing it as i can barely wrap my mouth around him and i can only go so long...  i jerk him off some instead for a bit but then he says its ok he has to go anyways.  i don't take it personally figure if he wanted to cum he could always jerk himself off.

damn first cock i couldn't do...

virgin play

This guy and i had been chatting on and off on one of the sites for a while.  i want to say its been six months or so.  He's very cute in his pics.  Short, thin white dude, a bit of a hipster look.  He is gay, only fucks non-trans dudes, he says he's never done a trans guy.

he also says he's not into hook ups he is more of the dating type.  i'm thinking why are you looking for dates on this site, but from the start i am clear i'm NSA but luv a good fuck bud.  this is good with him so we kept chatting and arrange a date to meet.

dude gets to my place and he has this nerdy awkward thing going which i like.  we sit and chat on my couch for a bit.  usual prefuck chat.  at one point i'm talking about my current NSA/non dating place in my life and he says 'you mean this is not a date?'.  i kind of laugh thinking he's joking but then realize maybe he's not and i say 'no its not'.  he pauses for a second and then just says ok.  whatever... i was clear with dude from the get about the situation if he chose not to listen its not my issue.

we move on from that awkward moment to a bit more awkwardness as conversation wanes and its clear someone is going to have to make a move.  he is very nervous and its seems i'm gonna have to be the one so i lean in and we start kissing and making out.  i tell him we should go to my bedroom.

we kiss and make out some more.  i pull off his shirt and pants and take off mine.  he is hard and i bend down and take him into my mouth.  he groans.  i reach for a condom, slip it on and lube him up.  he climbs on top of me, spreads my legs and after a moment of hesitation pushes into me.  hot.  missionary is my favorite.  he strokes me slowly, moaning, then harder and faster til he cums.  its good, not incredible but good.

afterwards he admits that while he dated a woman once they didn't fuck.  i've fucked dudes before who have never fucked a pussy/front hole but they usually admit it to me ahead of time.

as we are lying back in that post fuck stupor he asks if he can see me gesturing towards my crotch.  i laugh and say of course.  i spread my legs and he reaches down and frees my cock.  he says 'wow' and has this look of amazement and wonder on his face like its the most incredible thing he has ever seen.  he says 'wow it looks like a tiny dick' i laugh out loud cuz he looks exactly like a little kid in a candy store. he asks if he can touch it.  i say of course.  he begins to stroke me and jerk me off the whole time with this look of wonderment and amazement on his face.  its quite cute.  i lay back and let him jerk me off til i cum again.

the musician

just did another hook up with a new guy.  this is the third time we've hooked up.  tall, beautiful, dark skinned dude with locks.  he is a musician by trade.  classical music.  nice guy. closeted.  i'm the first trans guy he has hooked up with, at least that he know's of.  identifies as bi.  the first two times we hooked up he was really nervous.  we chatted for a long time and then i had to make the first move.  at this point in my hook up history i'm used to nervous guys so don't mind it, though i prefer dom guys and/or confident take the lead dudes.

this third time i figured he would have gotten over the nervousness.  not the case.  we chatted about what was going on in our lives for a while and i started to feel impatient.  so again made the first move.  again with his nervouseness....  however we moved onto fucking.

we kiss and make out our clothes still on.  he is an ok kisser.  kissing well is a skill.  i pull his shirt off and take off mine and we make out topless for a bit.  i can feel his hard on through his jeans which i quickly unbutton.  we both strip.  he is hard as a rock.  he has a very thick sizable cock.  nice.  i have not done a big cock in a while and have been craving it.  he climbs on top of me and sucks my nipples, his erect dick brushes my thigh as i moan.  i push him onto his back and take him into my mouth.  he is big and thick so i do my best sucking mostly just the first half.  i grab a condom and lube him up.  i slowly lower myself onto his cock.  i take it real slow as i'm tight.  its been a while since something this big has been inside me.  i ride just the first half for a bit then slowly slide down his full length.  i moan as his cock pops into place and just hold still for a minute feeling him deep.  then i ride him, slowly, sliding up and down his thickness, he moans.  then i'm grinding against him harder.  its a little painful due to his size but i want it.

i pull him on top of me and he fucks me missionary.   his hips pounding between my legs.  at one point he puts my legs on his shoulders and pushes into me deep, but its too much and i push him back. he apologizes and stops, but i shake my head and pull him back into me at a different angle.  i luv missionary but realize missionary is not everyone's strength.... i push him onto his back and ride him.  i tighten myself around his cock on every up stroke.  he moans.  i ride him harder and faster and he groans.  says he's close.  shoots a huge load inside me.

he pulls out and then immediately starts sucking my nipples and playing with my clit.  i'm good but can always cum again.  then he slips his fingers inside my wet cunt.  i moan as he strokes me, finger fucking me slowly while sucking my nipples, his fingers are deep in me and he strokes me until i cum again.  i lie back exhausted.  he runs his fingertips up and down my chest slowly - just enjoying the feel of my body.  it feels amazing til we both doze off.

changes

folks who follow this blog know that i am very NSA (no strings attached).  i have been in a place for sometime now where i am not looking for a relationship or even to date.  there are many reasons for this.  and i've been really happy and content in this current place.  i've been reveling in being single.

for my entire adult life i've been in one relationship or another.  after i ended my last relationship i made a promise to myself that i would stay single for a while.  that i wouldn't just jump into another relationship.  for sometime now i've managed to keep this promise to myself and honestly i would have been content to continue reveling in my bachelor status.

but sometimes shit just happens.

i had been playing around with this guy for a couple months.  sexy non trans dude of color, stick thin (which is not usually my thing i like a little meat).  i like him, he likes me, we have amazing fucking sexual chemistry.  and sometimes we hang outside of the bedroom.  not often but once in a while.  i've met some of his friends on these outer bedroom excursions.  however throughout all this i was very clear that we're just playing around, that i'm not looking to date or anything like that, in fact the outside of the bedroom hang time felt like a bit of an adventure to me.

at different points he would say he was starting to have feelings for me.  to which i always responded that i was not looking for more than nsa play.  to which he always responded that he knew and was cool with it but just wanted to be honest with me.  this went on for sometime and we had alot of fun together.

then one night recently he came over and he didn't look happy.  i asked how he was doing and he said not ok.  i said 'what's going on'.  at which point he totally broke down, sobbing and said that he has really strong feelings for me and he can't just keep doing this NSA thing.  to which i said 'you know that i'm just not in a place right now to have a relationship' he said he knows. i felt like a major fucking ass.  it was very sad.  soon after he left and wished me the best.  

i have definitely had hookups who wanted more.  i was always clear with them that i only wanted to play.  i've had regular situations come to an end before i.e. favorite guy.  when it ended i did feel sad, but this felt different.  i realized despite all my 'nsa' stance i had started to develop feelings for this guy.  the thought of never seeing him again made me incredibly sad.

fuck me man.

i called him the next day and we talked it out.  so now we're dating - its an open kind of thing so my posts on this blog will continue, but with maybe a little different spin.