Thursday, August 29, 2013

hard moments

recently i kind of fell for a dude.  well not kind of did.  and the whole situation just sucked to hell cuz we met about 2 months before he was moving out of the country.   cute, sexy, political, non trans guy of color.

we met and there was an immediate connection.  that type of deep connection that sometimes happens between two people.  for me as a leftist leaning, social justice, movement type firmly rooted in people of color and queer and trans community this has always and only happened with people who i share strong politic and principle with.  and it very rarely happens.  the last time it did was over ten years ago.

it had been a really long time since he had deeply connected with someone as well.  neither of us are the long distance type so it was pretty clear that after two months this thing we had would be over.  we talked about if we should just stop spending time together but that really didn't make sense to either of us.

i was the first trans guy he had fucked or dated he had only ever been with cis guys.  however the fact that i'm trans was never a factor in our relationship.  meaning that of course my trans identity is very much a part of my life and politic however it was not a factor positive or negative in his attraction and connection to me - we were just two gay guys really into each other.

i would say the first few weeks we hung out were amazing, fun and beautiful.  while there was alot we could have discussed regarding the state of the lgbt movement, race, sex and gender, organizing and general politicking.  we actually very rarely did.  we shared stories from our past and current lives, ate good food, drank lots of beer, lazed around in parks or in bed watching silly movies, went on bike rides, hung with friends, and just generally enjoyed spending time together.  the sex was hot and intense in that way that sex can be when you are really into someone.  when we were together we were always touching or holding each other - there was a level of comfort that just felt right.

then it started to get hard.  we both went through are own moments of sadness and anxiety and self protection - for both of us resulting in periods of withdrawal.  i know this seems incredibly intense and dramatic for a relationship that was so new but it was just what it was.

then it ended, he left the country, and it just was this beautiful, hard, intense moment in my life that i appreciate and miss.