Thursday, July 28, 2011

transfags of color are not "at risk"

so i just had some amazingly hot sex with this hot, sexy dude, guy of color, a bit of a cub, but that's for another piece...  our last post didn't have alot of fucking and neither does this one so I included links to some older fuck pieces for those who require them : )

part of all this anonymous play for me is a commitment to getting tested regularly. i prefer to get tested for hiv and stds every three months, but definitely at least every 6 months.

so it had been six months since i last got tested. the last time i got tested i went in because i had this sore throat that would not go away, figured i had strep or something. my regular doctor was not available so i had to see someone else. He took one look at me and asked if i've been having unprotected sex. I assume what he saw is a young, non trans gay boy of color (in my experience doctors rarely read charts, I can't count the number of times i've had to tell a doctor or nurse that i do not have a dick - at least as they think about it), i said i always use condoms except for oral, which was true at the time. he asked if its with one person or multiple. i say multiple - my army guy, beautiful boy , hometown play - to name a few. 

at which point he proceeded to test me AND treat me for every possible std, had me do a PCR HIV test which can tell if you've contracted HIV much sooner than the rapid tests, sent me to counseling for HIV testing, and told me he hoped that i keep using condoms so i don't turn up with HIV.  I appreciate getting tested but didn't appreciate the stigma and profiling and i don't like to get treated for things i don't actually have... 

anyways, turns out it was just a bad sore throat...

so in contrast, this time around i made an appointment for an HIV test and was scheduled to see an HIV counselor. I was really stressed out and nervous about it. I've been playing alot and usually play safe but i had on a few occasions recently been fucking raw (transfag barebacking).  mostly with guys who say that they are negative and whom i've known for a while, but many people who have hiv don't know it and condoms are not 100% and there is some risk with unprotected oral also... so generally being an anxious person, i was stressed out and worried for a while before my appointment and for a while after.

so i'm talking to the hiv counselor, she's fine, asks me how i identify as far as gender and sexuality, then she asks me the usual straight forward questions i.e. what type of sex, do you know the person's status, etc. all fine.

she does tell me that i shouldn't worry though, that its pretty unlikely that i will test positive, she actually says this repeatedly, which i though was an interesting thing for her to do.  

she sends me for a PCR test. as i'm walking to the lab i look down at the form. there are a number of risk categories. IV drug user, sex with someone positive, etc. the first risk category is men who have sex with men. She checked "no".

so i think what the fuck. i told you i'm a trans guy who's there cuz i let a non trans guy fuck me without a condom. the only difference between me and a non trans gay guy is the hole i let this particular guy put his dick. 

if i give her the benefit of the doubt i would say maybe it has something to do with the state and that my gender in the system is female and that i am sure state funding pays for the test - however this does not make it any better.

if i don't give the counselor the benefit of the doubt then i can assume that her understanding of trans communities is low and that when she asked me who i have sex with and i answered primarily men she took that to mean in some convoluded way that i am a straight woman (though non trans women of color who have sex with non trans men have the highest growing rates of hiv).

when i am read by doctors and nurses as a non trans, young, gay boy of color, not always, but most often i feel stigmatized, lectured, judged, condescended.  i'm not sure how to describe it fully but there is this hyper extremeness to the interaction, like they are sure i have an std, that i'm unsafe and irresponsible and they need to test and treat me as soon as possible.  this is very much about my perceived age, gender, sexuality and race.   the racism is very thick in these interactions with white health care providers.  people of color are seen as unclean, infected, unintelligent.  

i admit that i've made mistakes and there are times i've taken risks that i wish i had not however being judged and treated like an irresponsible walking risk do not help me to make better decisions.  

on the flipside when it is known that i am trans on the female to male spectrum i am seen as extremely low risk.  to the point where they won't test me, i am continually told that i am low risk and don't need to worry about it, and i have to insist on testing.  these encounters are very much about misconceptions of my gender and sexuality but also very much about racism and sexism.  women of color are seen as hypersensitive, emotional, less intelligent.  its hard enough to go into get tested, knowing i may need to fight for it does not make it any easier.  and to be honest sometimes i give into my self doubt and internalized oppressions and i don't fight. 

non trans gay men of color, particularly young gay men of color, still have the highest rates of HIV.  all us trans fags and genderqueers of color playing with all the same cocks and asses as other gays boys with all the same pressures and 'risk factors' plus a few more, yet we are not 'at risk'

the implications of this worry and depress me

this also got me thinking about the complicated, messiness of sex and the choices i make every day as a sexual being that put me at risk and if its worth all the profiling, stress, risk and anxiety.

playing for me is empowering - its empowering as a queer trans person to navigate sex with non trans guys, to be able to get what I want out of a fuck, to have people desire me, to know that my body is hot, and to feel sexy and confident in my body. And of course i just like sex.

all of which is clearly good for my well being maybe equally as much as the risk is harmful
so i continue to play and to be as safe as i can and to sometimes make mistakes and to own them as my own and to get tested and be anxious and just live with all the messy complicatedness of anonymous sex and fucking as a queer trans guy of color

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Power and Fucking

I'm in a bit of a rut. I haven't fucked in a while and, in between bouts of frantic masturbation, this dry spell is making me think about shit. Deep shit like my role during sex and how I'm such a bottom these days. Every once in a while though I surprise the hell out of myself. Once not too long ago I was fucking this guy, just doggying him hard and it was so hot seeing my new black 7incher disappearing into his round dark-chocolate ass. Every now and then he'd mutter "Yea...get it boy," and gasp as I fucked him deeper in response. When I was on top, our eyes would lock from time to time. Right before he came, his mouth dropped open and his eyelids floated close. I felt really powerful in that moment and it was dizzying. I looked at the prone figure beneath me and this wave of possessiveness washed over me. I'm thinking this mutha is mine. At the back of my mind I'm wondering where is all this coming from? It was an interesting moment, especially because honestly I'm more turned on by a dude dominating the shit out of me. I like big dudes because compared to them I'm just this little guy and there's a power element there that I find erotic as hell.

This gets me thinking about concepts like "masculinity", "dominant", "submissive", "top", "bottom" and the role they play in my sexual practices. Masculinity as I've experienced and observed it has multiple meanings depending on the context. With guys I fuck, masculinity tends to look like muscles, hairiness, big and imposing stature, bulky, taking up a lot of space. Emotionally/behaviorally, for a lot of these dudes, masculinity also means aggressiveness, pushiness, take control, protector, etc. In other word, as I've observed in the gayboy NSA scene, the cornerstone of the masculine persona is the desire to exert power or to control. This is how society constantly tells us to define and express masculinity, but is there another way to look at this construct? Is there truly a masculine persona? If so, what should it look and feel like? How does this impact sexuality and desire? And for people like me who are sexually attracted to masculine expressions, what exactly are we drawn to?

It's really interesting when class, gender expression and sexual desire intersect. Certain personality types when encased in a masculine body turn me the fuck on: protector types, alpha male types, aggressive and charismatic types. Working class guys have also always done it for me. I'm not fully sure why, perhaps it's because we end up having very similar experiences around class. I'm definitely a working class queer. I hold down multiple jobs, yet barely make enough to get by. This type of life demands a certain level of mental, emotional and even physical strength. Is it a brand of strength that society associates solely with masculinity rather than femininity? If so, does this explain why working class men, much like black men, are often characterized as hyper-masculine? (An aside - a friend and I were talking about how, historically, working-class cultures have been more supportive of, and safer for, the expression of "butchness". Though we were talking more about working-class women and "stone butches", but I wonder how this applies to other genders.) 

The term top, in my experience, can describe how a dude likes to fuck. One top I hooked up with explained "I'm a top because I hate pain. No one is sticking anything up there." To me this is solely a mechanics thing. In other situations however, it refers to power and who wields it during sex. One night, around 2 or 3am, I met up with this guy I'd been messaging on a4a for a minute. And this dude could fuck. (Expect a post on this soon.)
"I just am!" He said vehemently after I asked him to explain what being a top meant, because he most definitely was one.
"I don't get fucked. I fuck."
He said this with such authority and power and, I won't lie, that was what turned me on so much about him: the way he just oozed power. In my life as a "professional queer activist" (i.e. my day job), I call guys like this on their oppressive shit all the time. However, at night I like them to fuck the shit out of me. Go figure.

Whatever the reasons, I like being fucked. I like dudes who are aggressive and can exert control and power in bed. I like being told what to do. When I first started fucking men I was ashamed to admit these desires. I thought if I bottomed with men then somehow they wouldn't see me as a dude as they were fucking me. Other times I was afraid I'd seem powerless. There's socialization for you. Even now as I write this I'm struck by how far back in my history this fear stretches. Even pre-transition when I still lived and identified as a lesbian of color, I never wanted to be seen as a bottom. Does this fear come from my youth?

In my preteen years, people said I was a tomboy because to them I was a girl who liked to mimic boys. Thanks to the twisted and interconnected nature of sexism, homophobia & transphobia, there was already this unsaid expectation that I'd end up being with girls. That I'd be a pariah was certain; the only question was what freakishly perverse sexuality would be the cause. As I hit my teens, sex and desire came into the picture, throwing a wrench into the blissful ignorance that was my life. For some reason there were so many good looking guys around me ("trans" wasn't even part of my lexicon). At night I'd fantasize about them fucking me. This was the first indication that I had a very complicated sexuality, made even more complex by the gender stuff I was grappling with.

There were no models of trans/cis guy relationships or blogs on trans sexuality. All I had was porn and in almost every porn I watched back then, the dude always had a dick which he used to fuck, and the woman always got fucked. All she did was lay there and make fake sounds. Through my fantasies I already knew bottoming was somehow in the cards for me, but I didn't want to be this kind of bottom. I wanted to be far more engaged than that, but what was my gender? Am I a man? If I'm a man, shouldn't I want to be with woman? Shouldn't I be seeing myself as a top? These questions plagued me all through my teen years and through my lesbian years before I transitioned. Even today, after many years of "living the life", after spending innumerably hours of therapy, I'm still trying to both understand my body and resist society's expectations for it.

Friday, July 15, 2011

my first threesome

our last post was analytical and thought provoking.  this post is just a fuck piece.  

i have been wanting to do a threesome for a while.  i've done back to back hook ups before (a tale of two cocks) but never done group.  i've had a few offers but nothing too inspiring and/or nothing that has panned out.

i had been chatting with this dude for a bit on one of the sites.  big guy of color.  lately i've had a major thing for big guys.  only thing is he can't host and neither can i.  so one night we're chatting and he asked if i'd be up for a threesome.  he said he has a friend who can host.  nice.  i say cool i'm up for it but to be honest i've never done one before.  he says no problem, we'll show you the ropes.  he sends me a pic of his friend, cute, athletic, tallish white guy.  so he says he'll let me know and we can try for the next day. i kind of feel like its not going to happen.  however he hits me up midway through the day and says its on.   after some additional messaging around hiv/std status, etc. and me making sure his friend is trans friendly, we arrange a place to meet. 

cool.  so i'm a little nervous about it, my first threesome and all.

the big dude and i meet up at a diner.  he's cute, nice guy.  we are chatting over coffee a little waiting for his friend to be ready.  usual random small talk.  i ask about his friend.  he says they have known each other for about 3 years and hook up pretty regularly.

he leans in a little and says with no effort to lower his voice, 'you are so hot, i want to fuck you right here, bend you over that table over there and slip my cock into you'.  hot, however its the middle of the afternoon at a small quiet diner and i'm a little self conscious.  sometimes believe it or not i can be a major prude.  he says 'can we fuck all your holes'.  i say yeah.  He licks his lips, leans in again and says, 'we are gonna ravage you, fuck the hell out of you'.  i look around, i'm still feeling a little self conscious as it is very quiet in the diner, but whatever.  finally his friend texts and says to come over so we head out.

we get to his friends place and step into the elevator, immediately he grabs me, pulls me towards him, he slips his tongue into my mouth, plays with my nipples, i reach down and stroke his cock, we make out hard and steady.  i'm hard as hell by the time the elevator doors open.

the friend lets us in to his apartment.  really nice place.  I drop my bag and search for my supplies.  big dude and his friend are making random chit chat in the dining room.  supplies found i join them.  big guy says, 'so what do you think?  sexy right.  i can't wait to fuck her', (cringe), i quickly say "him".  the friend who i am liking more than big guy says in this majorly sexy stoner voice, "yeah man, get it right, he's clearly a cute boy.  i can't wait to fuck him" as he runs his hands over my body.  big guy, getting it, says, "yeah, lets fuck all his holes, fucking ravage him".  

the friend begins playing with my nipples, i pull off his shirt and lick his chest.  as we kiss, lick, stroke and disrobe.  the two dudes keep talking about me to each other.  the friend keeps saying stuff like, 'oh i love this boy, look at his muscles, he looks just like one of my students', big dude laughs, 'hot right, i can't wait to get my cock inside him'.  the friend, 'this is the best boy you have brought me'.  i luv it.  i am not verbal, however i really like it when other people are. 

i drop to my knees and take big dudes cock in my mouth.  the friend, 'look at that he just drops right down like a good boy, so hungry'.  i go at big dude for a bit then turn around and go at the friend.  we go into his living room.  the friend sits back on a chair.  i kneel between his legs and suck his cock.  big dude stands behind me, 'spread your legs boy, let me see you'.  he reaches down and plays with my clit, sticks his fingers in my pussy stroking me.

then its big dudes turn, he's sitting on a recliner, i bend over sucking his cock, my legs spread wide.  the friend comes up behind me, his cock hard as a rock, i'm tight so it takes him a minute to get inside my cunt but then he's stroking me, each stroke pushing big guy's cock further down my throat.  

and the whole time both of them keep saying things like, 'i love this boy', 'this boy is so cute', 'look at him take that cock', 'this boy has me so hard', 'we need to take a picture of this its so hot'. its a non stop dialogue about fucking me that they keep up during the entire fuck session, its incredibly hot and ego boosting - lol. 

we fuck in a multitude of different positions.  can't go into all of them as that would take a while but here are my favs.

1)  i am sitting on the couch, laid back my legs spread.  the friend is on his knees between my legs fucking my pussy, big guy is sitting on my chest alternating between face fucking me and making me suck his balls. 

2)  i am straddling the friend, riding him, big guy comes up behind and sticks his cock up my ass, i've never dped before, its very hot to have two cocks inside me like that, however big guy is somewhat small so its hard for him to stay in my ass, unfortunately...

3)  i'm lying on my back, big guy is fingering my clit while the friend is playing with my nipples.  big guy says, 'look at his little cock', the friend says, 'yes, its so sensitive' as i moan and writhe around. (interesting these dudes got it without instruction, i didn't tell them to call my clit a cock and i actually don't care if they call it a clit, but cool they figured it out)

so big guy climbs on top of me and fucks me missionary, shooting inside me (condom of course) while the friend watches.  the friend asks if i want to shower, i nod.  to me that's a sign he's telling us to go. the race dynamics of this hook up are at the back of my mind, i mean don't get me wrong its all very hot and fun, however i'm very aware that part of the reason we are fucking in this white dudes fancy apartment is because us two brown boys don't have another place to fuck...

despite all the activity its been a pretty short session.  the friend hasn't cum yet, i start to wonder if he's not to into (clearly my own insecurities), but whatever i figure if he wanted to cum he would.  turns out the friend has to be somewhere soon. 

we all shower.  as i'm getting dressed they still keep talking about me, really the entire time they've kept this running dialogue about me and i have barely said a word.  i love it.

i pull on my boxers and big dude kisses me and plays with my nipples for a bit.  i slip on my shirt and the friend comes up behind me, he strokes my nipples and puts his hand on my crotch, 'this boy is so hot, i love his arms', clearly he's not in too huge a hurry, i rub my ass against his cock, i can feel he's starting to get hard again, 'this boys gonna get me going again, i luv how small he is'.  the friend wraps his arms around me and squeezes, picking me up off the ground.  he puts me down and now it is really time to leave. 

yum, threesomes

Thursday, July 7, 2011

"The ugly" or "Is objectification ever okay?"

So we promised to bring you the good and confusing elements of anonymous hook ups. But let's not forget "the ugly" and there is quite a bit of it in the anonymous sex scene. Some of this ugliness is about people's messed up notions on gender, bodies and how those two mingle. One time I was chillen with this one dude that I'd just fucked in every position imaginable. We were lying on my bed, all post-coital hazed out and shit, playing with his itouch (or whatever the hell, I don't know what they call these things. It played music and that's all I know). It was a real pseudo-bonding moment and I say pseudo because let's not confuse the "anonymous" portion of this equation. After a while, we started to feel almost like friends, like "let's go to the movies" type of friends. I guess that's what did it because one minute he was showing me some cool app and the next he was referring to me as a girl, rattling on and on "you're a girl, so you must know..." blah blah. I stopped listening at that point. Not long after that I showed him the door. That scenario stays with me because regardless of how "dudely" I looked, homeboy saw my crotch and could not see past or through it.

Some of the ugliness in hook up scene also stems from people's gut-wrenching longing for love and companionship. Like the time this one person tricked me into coming to see them. Yeah. You heard that right. They tricked me. I use "they" cuz I don't know how they identified. From their pictures, they were obviously a gender nonconforming male-bodied person of color, somebody I would say is part of my core community. They'd been messaging me for ages and from their messages I could tell that something was amiss. They'd email shit like "come over and be my husband" or "I want to cook for you and be your wife." ?!?!?! This melodramatic response to my humble (yet quite raunchy) Craigslist ad alarmed me, so I steered clear. Months later I get this response to another ad I posted:
"You sound so hot to me. I enjoy trans men. I'm 35, 5'10",180, good shape." The attached picture is of, what I thought to be, a cute brown man sporting a kangol hat worn backwards. He had this sweet disarming smile, which sealed the deal. A few email exchanges and texts later, I was out the door with a pocketful of condoms.

He lived in one of those rapidly gentrifying neighborhoods where poor and middle class folk live side by side and do their damndest to ignore the fuck out of each other. His building was such a weird mix of dilapidation and luxury. A working elevator with smooth maroon marble walls, spanking clean, yet his floor felt like walking into the projects. As I got to the top landing, a door opened slowly, a brown face peeked out and I had an "oh shit" moment. It was them - the one who wants to be wifey. I froze. I couldn't believe that I'd actually fallen for this shit and it'd been so easy too to get my ass out here. I looked at the mf who now stood before me. They looked nothing like the picture. I don't know whose picture they'd sent me, but it was of a completely different person. Why do people do that shit? Perhaps sensing my confusion and anger, they smiled and I kinda melted. I didn't sense any weird "I'ma kill you" vibes, so I did something stupid. I went in. Yep. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It's one of those split second decisions that you regret as soon as you make them, but there's no turning back.

Their apartment was tiny like many apartments in this damn city, but their room within that tiny ass apartment was so small. It was jam-packed full of shit, reminding me of that show Hoarders. There was shit crammed into every corner and nook and cranny and crevice. I started taking small steps back, slowly trying to retreat out of there as inconspicuously as possible. I wasn't getting a serial killer vibe from them. On the contrary there was  only this calm air about them. Well...almost too calm. As I slowly retraced my steps, my eyes lifted from all the junk every where to the walls and ceiling of their room and that's when I saw the mural. On one wall they'd painted a brown woman, powerful stout build, large feet firmly rooted in red earth. Each wall carried powerful images. Bare-chested black men playing talking drums, strong looking women congregating, cute brown children playing, looking as innocent as all get-out.

All the art everywhere was so dizzying and I became so intrigued by this person and that's why I stayed. I'll be honest, that wasn't a smart decision. It's not something I'd recommend others who are navigating the NSA waters make. But it's the decision I made and I was lucky that it panned out. We chatted for a long time about our experiences around race, gender, sexuality. I learned that they identify as a cross dresser, but don't quite feel comfortable saying that out loud. I caught on that they were on some kind of medication, hence the too calm vibe I observed earlier. At least this is what they shared with me. Eventually, the conversation waned. I was ready to go. It'd been quite an experience chillen and bonding, but there was the trickery that brought me here in the first place and that was still weighing heavily on my mind. When they started insinuating that we fuck, I demurred and bid them a good night. The lie they'd resorted to just to get a little companionship...What if I'd been a violent asshole? What if they'd been a violent asshole? Since this incident I've tried to be more cautious by doing a pre-screening meet n' greet in a public place. I still don't do it 100% of the time, but I'm learning to trust my instincts and do it more.

These two scenarios are such perfect illustrations of the ugliness I described earlier. I hate it when sex and oppression collide. I hate it that we can't just fuck without some of this baggage rearing it's ugly head. Yeah, I know I play a role in perpetuating this ugliness. I mean I don't prowl the hook up sites looking for intellectual prowess. My choices in men are based on a number of physical attributes; I'll let you guess what those may be. All of this begs the question, is there ever room to want to fuck someone purely for how they look? I know this is a slippery slope, after all in a lot of ways "beauty" is a racialized political construct and I did a whole post on how black bodies are often seen as unattractive in the scene. But I won't lie. I get really turned on by guys who can't get enough of my body. So is wanting to fuck someone only because you find them physically hot mean you're objectifying them? Is it ever okay for objectification and sex to intersect?

Friday, July 1, 2011

cab fare

 This piece is also posted on Original Plumbing.  Check it out along with the other OP Bloggers.  TQ

so i'm having a really slow weekend.  i had tried to arrange a hook up saturday with no luck.  i'm in a mood where i don't want to travel too far so i've definitely turned down some offers but i'm feeling a bit down, why is it so hard to arrange something local... i'm also a bit bored and am looking for something new and interesting as well. 

so its sunday afternoon, i just got back from the gym and i decide to log into my sites (for those new to this blog i mean A4A and Manhunt).  i had chatted with a couple of dudes the day before but they were all further away then i was willing to travel.  one of the guys from the night before hits me up, he's attractive, not hot but attractive, white guy, medium build, and also interesting, he's been with trans guys before, seems cool, he's also a bit of daddy, i've been majorly into older daddy types these days.  however he lives very far away, so far that even if i was up to travel he would be a stretch.

all his message says is - i will pay for a cab.  i message back really?  you live very far, it could be pricey.  he said its fine.  come over.  so i consider it.

i'm not into desperate guys which to me offering to pay a pricey cab ride sounds desperate however i also get that there are people way beyond my economic class (which this guy could be he told me he recently gave up a 2nd apartment, most people i know struggle to stay in one apartment) for whom paying for a cab is no big thing.  i ask my best bud what he thinks.  he says go for it.  so i'm up for a bit of adventure.    i tell him ok, you're on.

so i shower and head out.  the cab ride is pricey and on the way i'm thinking what if i get there and he doesn't want to pay or something goes wrong, i can't afford that type of hit to my budget.  so this is all making me a little nervous on top of that the cab driver has no idea where he is going and neither do i.  the cabbie keeps asking me where i'm going and i keep saying a friends place, but i've never been there before - what am i supposed to say - i'm gonna go meet some dude i met online to fuck?

finally get to his place.  he's not hot, but attractive guy.  i am dropping my bag and getting settled.  he says here before i forget how much was the cab, i tell him and he doesn't blink, gives me enough cash for me to take a cab back  home.  i feel weird taking so much cash from him and say its too much he says, 'no, you traveled far, take it'.

so i don't like to have people pay for me like that, but at this point it is what it is and i can't afford to pay it myself.  he says, you are so cute and kisses me.  we kiss and make out.  he pulls of my shirt, sucks my nipples, the whole time he is complementing my body, 'man you are so hot', 'i luv your body', 'look at those muscles', 'you're so sexy'.

we both strip and i kneel down between his legs and suck his cock.  he's big and thick which i appreciate.

he turns me onto the bed, sucks my nipples some more, tongues my clit some, then says can we fuck.  of course, i smile.  condom?  he slips one on, i lube him up and i tell him to go slow at first as he's big.  he slides his cock slowly into me.  stroking gently until he's all the way inside me.  i groan as his cock slides into place.  he begins stroking me the full length of him sliding in and out.  i raise my hips to meet him and he fucks me harder.  pushes my legs over my head pounding me.  we fuck like this, multiple positions, nearly non stop for 3 hours.  its very hot.  i cum numerous times.

about half way through we take a break.  he's a talker.  kind of talks non stop.  he's nice and seems up on trans guys.  he asks what he can call my breasts, pussy, clit.  i say he can call them whatever he likes, that i don't care, however some trans guys do so i appreciate him asking.  he says yeah he knows and he respects whatever i want them called.  cool guy.

he's bi and plays with both boys and girls pretty equally.  he's interesting and has done alot of different things in his life.  lately i need my hook ups to be interesting in some way, i mean sex is great, but i've been getting a little bored lately and i need a little more than small talk and a fuck.  small talk and an interesting fuck or interesting talk and a good to hot fuck are all good.

so we continue to fuck, at one point he asks if he can bareback me, says he just tested neg (so many people don't know that testing neg just means you're neg as of three months ago...), i manage to not let my libido get the better of me and tell him no, he says cool no problem and proceeds to fuck me with condom until i just can't take it anymore, i'm worn out and starting to feel sore, i mean its been three hours.  so i say where do you want to cum cuz i can't go much longer.  he laughs as i rest on top of him his cock still hard as a rock inside me.  he says don't worry about it, i'll jerk off.

so we rest and chat some more.  we talk gender and sexuality - cool guy - the talk gets me turned on again i kiss him and stroke his cock with my hand.  he's still hard as hell.  he stops me reaches over and grabs some lube and begins jerking off, he tell me to suck his balls.  i  kneel down wrap my mouth around them and play with his balls in my mouth, he moans, shoots a huge load all over my chest.  hot.

we lie in bed resting.  he's been complimenting me the entire time - how hot and sexy i am etc.  he also keeps saying how masculine i am.  which is interesting, i feel like a lot of guys have said that to me.  its interesting because i actually don't feel masculine, i know lots of trans guys do, but I don't, and its not that i feel feminine, or like a mix or fluid.  i just don't have a word to describe my gender.  he actually asks if i feel like there are still feminine parts of me and i just say no, cuz the real answer is too complicated for a first fuck. 

anyways, i like him and don't really want to rush out, typical daddy he asks if he can buy me dinner, but i have somewhere to be i did not expect this to be a long session.  Plus i don't have dinner with my hook ups - rarely a drink at a bar and only once have i let one cook me breakfast - i'm very clear this is not dating this is fucking.

so i tell him i can't, shower, get my shit together and use his cash to hop a cab home.