Monday, February 28, 2011

transfag barebacking

this piece is somewhat of a continuation of an earlier piece i wrote unsafe sex

this piece is about barebacking - fucking without a condom

However I want to be very clear from the start that I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

i do want to talk about it though

so this is how it started. i had been messaging with this guy late one night. hot, muscular guy. that stereotypical gay boy kind of sexy. we had been messaging for a while. he had only been with non trans guys - never been with a trans guy or any other gender for that matter. And he really wanted to try pussy fucking. I was pretty horny and really wanted a hook up.

We kept chatting and the messages were getting me even more turned on. Then he asked if he could fuck me without a condom (this is not an unusual request from guys) he said he was negative, tests regularly, etc. I said no. Safe only. He said yeah he knows but he just wants to feel what it feels like. I say no man sorry we gotta be safe. At which point he says can i just put it in once to see how it feels.

I stop and consider it.

This is when i make a bad decision, i don't know why, maybe i let my hornyness get the better of me, maybe its that i'm a little buzzed, i don't know... I rationalize in my head, well just once, that's low risk, what's the big deal. So I say ok, just once.

He's really close by so i hop on my bike and head over. We chat a little, he is just as hot in person as his pics. I suck him off some and climb on top off him. He is not very aggressive so i'm taking the lead. I guide him into me raw. I'm taking the lead so I own this as all of my own, it definitely becomes more than one stroke, its very hot, and i get lost in it. After a couple of minutes he says he's getting close. I come to my senses enough at this point to stop, grab a condom and slip it over his cock, we fuck a few minutes more before he cums.

I can hear all of what folks are thinking as you're reading this cuz i would think the same thing. This was not a smart thing to do - even though safer sex education does not target trans people and definitely does not target trans guys or gender queers folks - at least in most urban centers safer sex messaging is pretty clear - its safer to use a condom.

I've never met this guy before, I don't know anything about him really, he could be lying about getting tested, even if he isn't there is a window period so unless you get tested and then are abstinent for 3-6 months there is no way to know and most people who are positive don't know it. Not even mentioning other STDs… Yeah, there was no exchange of cum, but there probably was exchange of pre-cum and I’m just lucky that he didn’t try to keep fucking me and was cool with stopping and rubbering up.

While some of it may have been that i really wanted to fuck this guy and was worried he would turn me down if i said no. And i could try and rationalize it to internalized transphobia and low self esteem, which is the reason that the few studies there have been about transfags would give for it, i'm not disagreeing with those studies or disregarding that reality.

Its just that if i really think about it and am honest with myself I don't think that was really it.

I was buzzed at the time so i'm sure that was a factor. However lots of guys have asked to fuck raw before, and some of those times i've been buzzed or even more than buzzed, and I have always said no.

Having come into my own as a gay guy with lots of access to safer sex information fucking a hook up without a condom was something i never even considered. So what happened?

If it had just been the one incident maybe i could have let it got but the thing is that sometime after this particular incident i went through this period where i was taking alot of risks. meaning on more than one occasion i was barebacking - pussy fucking without a condom. it was always with guys i consider regulars, so it was not like my 'let me put it in once guy' who i had never met before and never saw again, this only makes it marginally less risky - but its still very very risky.

the first time was with one of my regulars who i really like beyond fucking and we've been playing around for a couple months now, he asked and i said yes, he says he's negative, he doesn't play around and just got out of a monogamous relationship, somehow i rationalized that all in my head to mean it was ok (though there are countless reasons why its not). i have to admit we fucked raw more than once.

the 2nd time was with a guy who is a nice guy, fun to fuck, he is very gay and plays around some, we've known each other for a couple months as well. we were in the midst of playing around and i told him to put on a condom, he stopped and said "do we have to? i just tested negative last month". i said "well that doesn't mean anything there's a 3 month waiting period" to which he said "i know that's how i test, i've been safe in the last 3 months and its not like i've hooked up with that many guys anyways". Note all this convo is happening with us both naked, him perched over me with his hard cock pointed right at me. I waiver, i really want to, so i say yes, just don't cum inside me, so we fuck raw and its very hot.

so the last time was with a new regular, i like him, but i need to keep reminding him that this is NSA, he says he's neg tested a few months ago, gay, plays around some, we're fucking around and i guide him into me raw, he doesn't ask, i just do it, i want it. he looks at me and says is this ok. i say yeah. we fuck and at various points both of us say we should stop until finally we do before he cums.

the last time was when i realized that i needed to figure out what the hell was going on with me. that was actually when i started working on this piece.

none of it made sense, these guys are regulars, i have no fear of rejection with them in fact, i don't want to sound egotistical but all three of them are very into me, we've fucked before with condoms and i know we will fuck again with condoms. drinking was only a factor with one of them. i wasn't particularly depressed or down. so what the hell was i doing?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while. I know that I feel a great deal of shame about it, clearly I should know better, yet I believe shame and the silence that often follows do not serve anyone well.

If I'm honest with myself i believe the first guys request of just one stroke, then my regulars 'safer' (with very big quotes) sexual histories were a way for me to rationalize doing something I hadn't realized that i wanted so badly - sex without barriers - flesh on flesh - to feel a warm cock stroking me - to feel the skin of a cock inside me.

Let me be very clear I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

I'm just trying to be honest and real with myself. I'm just trying to figure out how to live safer in the future and the only way i know how is to be real with myself about why i made those decisions.

Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you". While I'm sure she never considered it being used in this context, I think about this quote when i think about all this.

I believe if i speak this need, this desire that i have, then its real and not shameful. Even if i only speak it to myself.

Once its real, once i acknowledge it and stop hiding behind an image of safety, then i can decide if, when and how to fulfill this desire without putting myself at such high risk, without just giving into this desire at random moments when i can rationalize it in my head.

I'm owning this desire because i need to take care of myself and its the only way i know how.

NOTE: My thinking on the topic of fucking without a condom has been greatly influenced by blogger Brandon Lacy Campos' writing on the subject, particularly this piece,

bareback sex human needs vs condoms

Check out his blog, his analysis, honesty, realness and beauty are inspiring.


  1. Me being HIV+, I am a strong advocate for protection. Of course when I was younger I wanted sex everyday with or without a condom. But it has to do with what your body wants. But look at it this way. Even if you had sex with a condom it doesn't clear you for any other sexually transmitted disease. If I was someone in your shoes I would definitely get tested once per month. That way you know and your conscious is clear.

  2. hi, thanks so much for your comment. definitely real about other stds. I test every 3 months or so for hiv and stds. i would like to test more often but the health clinic i go to won't allow it - ridiculous right? also, after i had this run of barebacking i went in and got a pcr test - which they were 'willing' to give me even though i had just tested a month ago as i told them i had been having unsafe sex.

    much luv,


  3. This post is super brave & I think your thinking through all of the reasons why we crave barebacking & whatever form of unprotected sex so many of us at some time crave is really, really important, an essential way of knowing ourselves & thinking about prevention work, too. And yes, I also thought as I was reading this of Brandon's post. It's so important as transguys to talk about this, so thank you for opening this space, and I love, love, love this blog. hotttttttness.


  4. hey eli,

    many thanks for your comment! was having a hard day and this brightened it up : )

    yeah, we really want this blog to be an open space for discussion. i know there are lots of us, myself included, taking a lot of risks and i really wish there was a way to talk more openly about it. on the prevention tip part of it is that transfags are not considered 'at risk' at least where i live - when i got tested most recently that's what my form said... gonna write a piece about that at some point.

    thanks again,

    much luv,


  5. Yep, I didn't get tested for years because I kept being told first as a dyke and then as a transguy that I wasn't at risk, when that actually wasn't true based on who and how I was fucking. In fact, identity-based risk assessment makes no sense whatsoever, of course. I still fight hard to get tested and kind of feel like my perception of my risk is minimized by testers, & I spend the time while waiting for the results doing a LOT of (often annoying) Trans 101 training. And I live in a fairly big city and go to a testing place that's supposed to be for gay & trans men. Ha!

    What I still love most about this entry is your exploration of why we take risks, and normalizing our desires (and making your readers hot in the process). Yeah. Thanks. Hope your day's gotten better.


  6. hey eli,

    thanks, that's very validating, my testers always really minimize my risk and i was having all these feelings of self doubt combined with self righteousness - lol.

    and yeah, i was doing alot of self reflection : )

    much luv,


  7. hi! I'm a lil' bit confused. I'm a bisexual transguy and i'm curious to fuck without condom. But, as well of the risk of acquire HIV, what about pregnacy?

    I'm on T (14 months on T, exactly). how many chances i have to be pregnant if my partner just cums outside of me? (Based in this time of HRT, sure)

  8. hi, great question. so besides the risk of hiv and other stds the pregnancy thing was always a question for me. here is the most comprehensive answer i've seen -

    hope that helps

    much thanks!