As those who follow this blog know I have been in a very NSA (no strings attached) place – I have not been interested in dating or relationships at all. There are many reasons for this decision its enough to say that I have been very happy and content in this place. At this point it is going on over 3 years at least. At some point in the midst of this period one of my regulars turned into an open casual dating situation and that was fun for a bit but I eventually returned to my NSA place.
Recently, like a week or two ago, my best friend convinced me to give dating a go. I'm in a different place in my life now and decided – what the hell, why not. This has led to some interesting adventures that I may write about at some point. However it also led to a pretty big personal realization.
With women identified and trans/gnc folks I don't assume that we are going to fuck on the first date, but I also don't assume that we won't. However when it gets physical I proceed with clear lines of consent and I also don't assume that just because we are making out we are going to end up fucking. I ask as normally the other person does as well what's ok and what's not ok to do to their body prior to and during fucking. For me this comes from my understanding as a trans/gnc previously female identified person of all the violence and boundary crossing our bodies face and the complicated relationship many of us have to our bodies and sex.
However when it comes to non trans gay guys all of that goes out the window. I assume that sex and fucking and being physical happen quickly once you meet. With non trans gay guys once its gone down that physical road I assume that we are going to fuck. I mean there is definitely some level of pre conversation around safety, testing and top/bottom/vers type thing but that's about it. I assume that if we are making out we are going to fuck and that its ok for me to touch his body and touch and suck his cock (I don't rim/do anal play with guys).
Clearly this is not ok and these are huge assumptions.
But it took me quite some time to realize what I was doing. I was on a 2nd date with a guy who I was definitely into and he invited me over to his place after the bar. We started kissing and making out on his couch. And then it was like I just went into auto pilot mode. I started to take off his shirt and he stopped me and said I'm not sure if I want to fuck yet can we just make out. 'sure man, we don't have to fuck' I said. So we proceeded to make out for a bit then he said we should go to the bedroom. Long story short we ended up having some oral play but he stopped it at that.
Reflecting on that nite when I woke up in his bed the next morning I felt like shit. I realized that I never asked him if it was ok for me to touch his body in the ways I did. I was definitely being very sexually aggressive in ways that make me uncomfortable as I felt like I went into autopilot, I just assumed we were gonna fuck and was being very aggressive in moving in that direction. We checked in about it all the next morning and then again on our next date and no boundaries were crossed, but the idea that I could have was really really scary to me and a big reality check.
I've been trying to understand why I would act so extremely different with non trans guys. These are the thoughts that have run through my head –
- the ways that casual sex and hookups seem like just a regular part of gay male culture at least the one I live in,
- that while non trans gay guys definitely experience sexual violence and abuse women and/or trans and gnc folks are more highly impacted due to patriarchy, homophobia, and transphobia,
- the lack of physical boundaries on a casual level that I have experienced in gay male spaces i.e. many times in clubs or other spaces some non trans gay guys (particularly but not only non trans) have few physical boundaries and feel its ok to touch and grope at will other guys.
All of this is probably part of it however in the end it doesn't really matter why – i'm just glad I realized it in time to make some shifts.