transphobic rejection

i had to go to this book launch for my job.  gay event.  lots of queers around but mostly of the lesbian variety.  i'm hanging by the appetizer table pondering the scattering of mini carrots and cheese that make up the snack table when a sexy dark skinned dude walks up to me.  compact build, muscular, tight fade - cute.  he reaches out his hand and introduces himself.  we chat for a good hour or so.  just random chit chat about our lives etc.  neither of us seem to know a ton of people at the event so its nice to have someone to chat with. 

at some point during this chat i realize dude's totally hitting on me.  cool, he's nice and cute and i'm always up for some fun.  i normally arrange my hookups online but what the hell.  we talk about where were from, family, what we like to do for fun, etc.  every now and then he makes a comment about how sexy he finds me which makes me blush.  he asks for my digits so we exchange contact info.

later that nite i get a pretty lengthy text from dude about how into me he is and that he really wants to hang out and get to know me more, am i free the next night to go to an event with him, that kind of thing.  cool.  a little excessive but whatever.   this could be fun. 

however, somehow i kind of forgot about the trans bit. 

i don't know why, but when we were chatting and flirting at the event it was just fun and i really seriously forgot that dude doesn't know me, he didn't really know many people at the event so wouldn't have been able to ask about me, as a result its very likely he doesn't know i'm trans and thinks he's talking to a bio dude.  when i got his long text i realized i wanted to make sure dude knew the deal so i texted him back that i'm a trans guy and just wanted to make sure he knew. 

i never heard from him again. 

this really bothered me.  my best friend was like, whatever man, he's just a transphobic ass.  which is true.  i mean rejection always sucks but its not like i was all hot and bothered for dude or overly interested, i'm not desperate for a hook up right now, i thought he was cute and we could have a little fun together.  that's it.  its also not like i have not been rejected by guys before for being trans - i cannot count the number of times dudes have cut off communication or sent a polite rejection on learning my ftm status. 

so why did this particular incident bother me so much?  i think what it was about this interaction is that dude was really into me on a level of physical attraction and mental/emotional connection.  it was clear from our hour long chat at the event and his text after.  in that moment of flirting we were just two gay guys hitting it off and it was fun and sexy. 

in that moment i really just forgot that while i am a guy and gay as all hell that to some people i will never be a 'real guy' in their eyes.  one they can flirt with, date and/or fuck.

i really just forgot.  and that forgetfulness was kind of great.  

on the day to day i pass pretty easily.  and i work to hold the privilege in that.  however i'm always thinking about my transness whether its at the line at the store wondering what pronoun the teller will use or at the gym trying to shower or just walking down the street.

at this event though i was in a queer space that i knew to be pretty trans friendly.  thus i felt pretty comfortable and relaxed.  i also have met, chatted, fucked enough non trans gay dudes who have no issues with the fact that i'm trans that i've perhaps become over confident.   

when i'm online looking for someone to fuck its feel different.  i think its because its really all about fucking, its about a physical/sexual attraction based on looks, its about bodies and body parts.  if there is a connection beyond that all the better, but i don't and most people on those sites don't expect more.  so if a dude doesn't wanna play around with my particular anatomy as long as they are respectful it almost, not entirely, but almost feels like what i imagine it feels like when people choose who they are gonna fuck based on the type of cock they prefer.  fucked up but par for the course i believe in the world of online hook up sites.  

this rejection felt different and it pissed me off.   

when it comes down to it what really bothered me was that we were having a real person to person connection and it was a just an unwanted reminder of how quickly what happens to be between my legs can always change that

unsafe sex

So I hooked up with one of my regulars tonite, I don’t like to write about my regulars too much, but it was very hot, there is a category of regulars I like where I just feel very comfortable, no surprises, just good fucking. Basically I hadn’t fucked anyone in over two weeks due to travel and illness so I was majorly in need…. Now I’m home and I’m surfing the web. Not looking to play anymore tonite, just looking around…

So my co blogger and I are strong believers in Safer Sex. Though I will admit that there are times that I’ve been unsafe…

the time the condom slipped, my regular or two who I let fuck me without a condom, that I never use a condom for oral sex.... I say this because I think its important to be real and honest, while I would like to say that I practice safer sex 100% of the time, that’s not my reality.

I value my life and my health and I love and respect all my hiv positive family, most of the time I won’t fuck without a condom, at the same time I think its important to be real and I believe shame has never improved anyone’s health or life.

I believe in being safe, I believe in harm reduction, I believe in getting tested regularly, I believe no one should make you do something you don’t want to do, nor should you do something cuz you feel like no one else will want to fuck you, trans people are beautiful and sexy and there are lots of people who want to fuck us – this I know without a doubt.

Yet its complicated, when i let my regular fuck me without a condom, why do i do it? Sometimes shit happens, sometimes our beliefs and our actions don't align and i could lie and say that i'm always safe but I guess i'm looking for a sexual reality that's real - which at least for me means a little messy....

That said here is a really good resource about safer sex and ftm’s best one I’ve found. be safe : )

http://www.queertransmen.org/

Beaded Penis

He'd had beads inserted into his penis. When he showed it to me later, I was struck by the ordinariness of it. His penis was short and stump with these tiny sperical objects sticking out at odd intervals. Immediately, I could tell why he needed to adorn his dick with jewelry. Obviously he wanted something more than it could offer. "It enhances the sensation" he said with a smile and I smiled back, more out of politeness than anything. The color of his dick was pretty though. Reddish brown. Slightly darker than the rest of him. It brought to mind ovaltine and for that reason I wanted to taste it. I decided to call him "bumpy" and no, the beads didn't enhance a thing. Bumpy was alright in the sack, though "doggy-style" was certainly his piece de resistance.

Let me say a thing or two about doggy-style. One: rarely do I say "doggy-style" out loud without dissolving into a fit of giggles. It's just such a silly name and belies the seriousness of the act. Two: In my former life, I hated this position. It just seemed too vulnerable of a state to be in. Getting down on all fours, and allowing someone else to see all into your asscrack. My middle-class demure upbringing just wouldn't let me get into it! This was of course back when I set way too many boundaries around my sexuality, or rather when I allowed social norms to dictate how and when I should fuck. Well, here I am years later and I have to say "doggy" or "down on all fours" has become one of my faves. Not only does it make it easier for my g-spot to be stimulated, it also is just erotic as hell when a guy hangs onto my waist or my ass for leverage and pounds my ass. There's something so primal about the position which also adds to the appeal of it. And whatever Bumpy lacked in dick girth, he certainly made up in motion. Yeah, there may be a thing or two to that "motion in the ocean" adage.

Bumpy and I rendezvous-ed twice, which is my limit with most men I sleep with. I rarely ever cross over into thrice or we may as well be dating. I don't do "regular fucks". I figure if I've reached that level with a dude, then there had better be more than just fucking going on. In other words, I tend to get attached. It's the way I'm made up. Anyway, Bumpy and I did our thing twice and the 2nd time was even hotter. He hosted this time and his roommate, the ex-girlfriend (or so I was told), was out doing god knows what. He invited me into his giant soft bed and proceeded to lick the hell out of my pussy. That-is-what-I-am-talking-about. I may have said that out loud, in between bellows of "yes" and "god" and "I'm gonna cum". Yeah, it was good that 2nd time.

And there would have been a 3rd time if he hadn't gone and freaked out over the trans bit. By fuck session number 2 I'd started experiencing all the usual changes trans dudes experience. I don't know who he thought he was screwing. He must have blocked out the "I'm a trans dude" portion of our introduction. For some reason he'd look at the hair growing on my chin and chest, hear my deep voice, and still refer to me as "ma". After the umpteenth time of this I had to remind him. Well, lets just say, my usual "I'm a dude with a vag" shpiel is a bit of a mind fuck for people who aren't in the know. I understand that. After all, we all grow up hearing and believing so many untruths about gender. Hell, I hardly know what it is any more. I'm a patient dude. I can wait for you to have your epiphany and realize that actually there isn't a lot about gender that's set in stone or genetically predetermined. I do draw the line at pretending though. If you're turned on by this here trans boy and we're going to fuck, you'd better face up to what you're desiring. Bumpy couldn't, or rather, he wouldn't. Goodbye Bumpy!