Saturday, February 4, 2012

transphobic rejection

i had to go to this book launch for my job.  gay event.  lots of queers around but mostly of the lesbian variety.  i'm hanging by the appetizer table pondering the scattering of mini carrots and cheese that make up the snack table when a sexy dark skinned dude walks up to me.  compact build, muscular, tight fade - cute.  he reaches out his hand and introduces himself.  we chat for a good hour or so.  just random chit chat about our lives etc.  neither of us seem to know a ton of people at the event so its nice to have someone to chat with. 

at some point during this chat i realize dude's totally hitting on me.  cool, he's nice and cute and i'm always up for some fun.  i normally arrange my hookups online but what the hell.  we talk about where were from, family, what we like to do for fun, etc.  every now and then he makes a comment about how sexy he finds me which makes me blush.  he asks for my digits so we exchange contact info.

later that nite i get a pretty lengthy text from dude about how into me he is and that he really wants to hang out and get to know me more, am i free the next night to go to an event with him, that kind of thing.  cool.  a little excessive but whatever.   this could be fun. 

however, somehow i kind of forgot about the trans bit. 

i don't know why, but when we were chatting and flirting at the event it was just fun and i really seriously forgot that dude doesn't know me, he didn't really know many people at the event so wouldn't have been able to ask about me, as a result its very likely he doesn't know i'm trans and thinks he's talking to a bio dude.  when i got his long text i realized i wanted to make sure dude knew the deal so i texted him back that i'm a trans guy and just wanted to make sure he knew. 

i never heard from him again. 

this really bothered me.  my best friend was like, whatever man, he's just a transphobic ass.  which is true.  i mean rejection always sucks but its not like i was all hot and bothered for dude or overly interested, i'm not desperate for a hook up right now, i thought he was cute and we could have a little fun together.  that's it.  its also not like i have not been rejected by guys before for being trans - i cannot count the number of times dudes have cut off communication or sent a polite rejection on learning my ftm status. 

so why did this particular incident bother me so much?  i think what it was about this interaction is that dude was really into me on a level of physical attraction and mental/emotional connection.  it was clear from our hour long chat at the event and his text after.  in that moment of flirting we were just two gay guys hitting it off and it was fun and sexy. 

in that moment i really just forgot that while i am a guy and gay as all hell that to some people i will never be a 'real guy' in their eyes.  one they can flirt with, date and/or fuck.

i really just forgot.  and that forgetfulness was kind of great.  

on the day to day i pass pretty easily.  and i work to hold the privilege in that.  however i'm always thinking about my transness whether its at the line at the store wondering what pronoun the teller will use or at the gym trying to shower or just walking down the street.

at this event though i was in a queer space that i knew to be pretty trans friendly.  thus i felt pretty comfortable and relaxed.  i also have met, chatted, fucked enough non trans gay dudes who have no issues with the fact that i'm trans that i've perhaps become over confident.   

when i'm online looking for someone to fuck its feel different.  i think its because its really all about fucking, its about a physical/sexual attraction based on looks, its about bodies and body parts.  if there is a connection beyond that all the better, but i don't and most people on those sites don't expect more.  so if a dude doesn't wanna play around with my particular anatomy as long as they are respectful it almost, not entirely, but almost feels like what i imagine it feels like when people choose who they are gonna fuck based on the type of cock they prefer.  fucked up but par for the course i believe in the world of online hook up sites.  

this rejection felt different and it pissed me off.   

when it comes down to it what really bothered me was that we were having a real person to person connection and it was a just an unwanted reminder of how quickly what happens to be between my legs can always change that


  1. Hey there. I just found your blog and wanted to say THANK YOU. I'm still struggling to be comfortable in my skin and open myself up to other guys…Sharing your stories really means a lot to me and I'm sure other transguys lurking out there.

    1. I also wanted to add that I especially appreciate that the two of you are FTMs of color because it's so rare for me to find things that speak to my experience.