Monday, February 28, 2011

transfag barebacking

this piece is somewhat of a continuation of an earlier piece i wrote unsafe sex

this piece is about barebacking - fucking without a condom

However I want to be very clear from the start that I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

i do want to talk about it though

so this is how it started. i had been messaging with this guy late one night. hot, muscular guy. that stereotypical gay boy kind of sexy. we had been messaging for a while. he had only been with non trans guys - never been with a trans guy or any other gender for that matter. And he really wanted to try pussy fucking. I was pretty horny and really wanted a hook up.

We kept chatting and the messages were getting me even more turned on. Then he asked if he could fuck me without a condom (this is not an unusual request from guys) he said he was negative, tests regularly, etc. I said no. Safe only. He said yeah he knows but he just wants to feel what it feels like. I say no man sorry we gotta be safe. At which point he says can i just put it in once to see how it feels.

I stop and consider it.

This is when i make a bad decision, i don't know why, maybe i let my hornyness get the better of me, maybe its that i'm a little buzzed, i don't know... I rationalize in my head, well just once, that's low risk, what's the big deal. So I say ok, just once.

He's really close by so i hop on my bike and head over. We chat a little, he is just as hot in person as his pics. I suck him off some and climb on top off him. He is not very aggressive so i'm taking the lead. I guide him into me raw. I'm taking the lead so I own this as all of my own, it definitely becomes more than one stroke, its very hot, and i get lost in it. After a couple of minutes he says he's getting close. I come to my senses enough at this point to stop, grab a condom and slip it over his cock, we fuck a few minutes more before he cums.

I can hear all of what folks are thinking as you're reading this cuz i would think the same thing. This was not a smart thing to do - even though safer sex education does not target trans people and definitely does not target trans guys or gender queers folks - at least in most urban centers safer sex messaging is pretty clear - its safer to use a condom.

I've never met this guy before, I don't know anything about him really, he could be lying about getting tested, even if he isn't there is a window period so unless you get tested and then are abstinent for 3-6 months there is no way to know and most people who are positive don't know it. Not even mentioning other STDs… Yeah, there was no exchange of cum, but there probably was exchange of pre-cum and I’m just lucky that he didn’t try to keep fucking me and was cool with stopping and rubbering up.

While some of it may have been that i really wanted to fuck this guy and was worried he would turn me down if i said no. And i could try and rationalize it to internalized transphobia and low self esteem, which is the reason that the few studies there have been about transfags would give for it, i'm not disagreeing with those studies or disregarding that reality.

Its just that if i really think about it and am honest with myself I don't think that was really it.

I was buzzed at the time so i'm sure that was a factor. However lots of guys have asked to fuck raw before, and some of those times i've been buzzed or even more than buzzed, and I have always said no.

Having come into my own as a gay guy with lots of access to safer sex information fucking a hook up without a condom was something i never even considered. So what happened?

If it had just been the one incident maybe i could have let it got but the thing is that sometime after this particular incident i went through this period where i was taking alot of risks. meaning on more than one occasion i was barebacking - pussy fucking without a condom. it was always with guys i consider regulars, so it was not like my 'let me put it in once guy' who i had never met before and never saw again, this only makes it marginally less risky - but its still very very risky.

the first time was with one of my regulars who i really like beyond fucking and we've been playing around for a couple months now, he asked and i said yes, he says he's negative, he doesn't play around and just got out of a monogamous relationship, somehow i rationalized that all in my head to mean it was ok (though there are countless reasons why its not). i have to admit we fucked raw more than once.

the 2nd time was with a guy who is a nice guy, fun to fuck, he is very gay and plays around some, we've known each other for a couple months as well. we were in the midst of playing around and i told him to put on a condom, he stopped and said "do we have to? i just tested negative last month". i said "well that doesn't mean anything there's a 3 month waiting period" to which he said "i know that's how i test, i've been safe in the last 3 months and its not like i've hooked up with that many guys anyways". Note all this convo is happening with us both naked, him perched over me with his hard cock pointed right at me. I waiver, i really want to, so i say yes, just don't cum inside me, so we fuck raw and its very hot.

so the last time was with a new regular, i like him, but i need to keep reminding him that this is NSA, he says he's neg tested a few months ago, gay, plays around some, we're fucking around and i guide him into me raw, he doesn't ask, i just do it, i want it. he looks at me and says is this ok. i say yeah. we fuck and at various points both of us say we should stop until finally we do before he cums.

the last time was when i realized that i needed to figure out what the hell was going on with me. that was actually when i started working on this piece.

none of it made sense, these guys are regulars, i have no fear of rejection with them in fact, i don't want to sound egotistical but all three of them are very into me, we've fucked before with condoms and i know we will fuck again with condoms. drinking was only a factor with one of them. i wasn't particularly depressed or down. so what the hell was i doing?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while. I know that I feel a great deal of shame about it, clearly I should know better, yet I believe shame and the silence that often follows do not serve anyone well.

If I'm honest with myself i believe the first guys request of just one stroke, then my regulars 'safer' (with very big quotes) sexual histories were a way for me to rationalize doing something I hadn't realized that i wanted so badly - sex without barriers - flesh on flesh - to feel a warm cock stroking me - to feel the skin of a cock inside me.

Let me be very clear I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

I'm just trying to be honest and real with myself. I'm just trying to figure out how to live safer in the future and the only way i know how is to be real with myself about why i made those decisions.

Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you". While I'm sure she never considered it being used in this context, I think about this quote when i think about all this.

I believe if i speak this need, this desire that i have, then its real and not shameful. Even if i only speak it to myself.

Once its real, once i acknowledge it and stop hiding behind an image of safety, then i can decide if, when and how to fulfill this desire without putting myself at such high risk, without just giving into this desire at random moments when i can rationalize it in my head.

I'm owning this desire because i need to take care of myself and its the only way i know how.

NOTE: My thinking on the topic of fucking without a condom has been greatly influenced by blogger Brandon Lacy Campos' writing on the subject, particularly this piece,

bareback sex human needs vs condoms

Check out his blog, his analysis, honesty, realness and beauty are inspiring.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Caramel: My "Blue Balls" Story

We were supposed to have coffee, but opted for beers instead. It was a crowded bar and I wanted privacy; I had some questions to ask. Questions about the mechanics of what we were maybe going to do if this first "meeting" went well. See, I think it's important to clarify just how you're going to fuck before the actual event takes place. This is crucial.

Homeboy and I, after we were seated, started talking about the trivial shit we could care less about. He's a student, math major. Okay, that's kinda hot. As a proud, card-carrying nerd, I'm quite into fucking other nerds. Eventually, I just blurted out "so what do you think?" His hazel colored eyes traveled down my face, lingered for a second on my beard, moved down to my chest. "You're a dude" He looked at me then like I was supposed to feel complimented by his assessment.
"I know this. I mean, what are you into sexually?"
"Not dudes," he said and took another swig of his corona.
I grinned then. I don't know why, but there are certain nontrans guys I just love fucking with. The type who'll flirt yet still insist that I'm a girl. The type who'll message me incessantly, anxiously wanting to meet, yet when they encounter the realness of me, and the reality of their attraction to masculine bodies, will throw up some front. Alright. I decided to play along.
"Cool," I responded noncommittally, "then we're just 2 dudes having a beer." That's when he started sharing his "women troubles" with me. Women just don't get him. He was married for 10 years and she did him dirty. He's really into trans women, but responded to my ad out of curiosity.

"Tell me," he segued, "how can you be living as a guy and still be attracted to dudes?"
"I like dick," I responded, making sure to over-enunciate the K. My lightweight ass was beginning to feel the effects of the beer and I'm raunchy as hell when buzzed. "Do you like to perform oral?" he asked without missing a beat. Obviously, the beer was working on him too. "Do you?" I asked back. "Very much so. I'd like to see you without your clothes." I asked him if he was more interested in proving or disproving something else about my gender. "Maybe, but I also just want to see you." He flashed the same seductive smile he'd sported in his pic. The same pic where he'd been shirtless, a doo rag on, and his smooth, caramel-toned torso inspiring thoughts of the X-rated variety.

"Are you into rough stuff?" he continued. The negotiation had started and I was trying my damnest not to let my excitement show; negotiating sex acts is one of my favorite types of conversation. I wanted him to clarify what he meant by "rough". "I'm an aggressive top," he added with a sly grin. Oh yeah, I'm familiar with the type. For nontrans men it may mean they have to make the first move. They have to flip you around, contort you into various positions. They may talk dirty in your ear, pinning you down as they plunge into you. In other words, power - expressing it - turns them on. (I know this may sound scary to some, but power play during sex can be hot. You just have to talk honestly about what you will and won't do.) I'm not into pain and I mentioned this to him. Neither was he.

"You realize that you'll be doing all of this with a dude, right?" I reminded him, after we'd spent a few more minutes listing a few other activities we wanted to try together. He shook his head. "I can't see you that way while we're doing this." What the fuck?! "I see a dude in front of me now, but when we're fucking, in my head you'll be a..." He trailed off then and I knew what he was afraid to say. Shit. That caramel hue, smooth skin, and "fuck me" smile really had me wanting things to go down. But could I do it with a dude who refuses to see me for who and what I am?

I tried to tune out the rest of his rambling and quickly finished my beer. Snatches of his monologue, like "I can host" and "my place isn't far", inadvertently caught my attention. I had to get the hell out of there before my libido continued making decisions for me. I caught the waiter's attention and asked for the bill. "You're ready to go?" He asked. "Yeah, I'm going home, but this has been...nice." He looked surprised then. I said I couldn't sleep with someone who pretended I was someone else. I got up to go and he asked if I was sure about wanting to leave. I looked at him and, god, the lookist in me wanted to sit my ass back down. But I just couldn't let myself go there, so with that I wished him a good night and left.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

fake cock pics - about dick size

so i am annoyed as i am writing this piece but i am trying to be kind and compassionate.

I had been messaging with this guy on and off for a few weeks. we just hadn't been able to make it happen. he's cute in his pics and very well endowed... which is what i've been having a particular craving for lately. his messages are very hot - detailed accounts about what he plans to do to me with his big cock.

also he lives close by, my thing for everything local...

so one Saturday morning he messages me to ask if i'm free. I am so i head over.

I get there we say hello and get right to fucking. he leads me to his bedrooom, nice neat place. he unbuttons his pants, i pull them off.

he is hard and i notice that he's not as big nor as thick as i was expecting.

so drastically different in fact that i'm thinking did you post a pic of someone else's dick.

who does that? really?

its par for the course that some guys post pictures of themselves that were clearly taken a while ago or maybe altered in someway so that when you show up at the door the picture and the guy standing in front of you do not or just barely match. i get why this happens - so much ageism and fucked up beauty standards in the gay boy hook up world.

however, this is my first fake dick pic

i mean lots of guys i hook up with exaggerate some about their dick stats - 7 inches turns out to be 6, etc. but the difference between this dudes stats, dick pics and his reality are not just a small exaggeration (no pun intended).

i know i should be more understanding, all the fucked up pressure guys get about dick size. i mean i believe its fucked up and problematic society's fixation on big dicks and all the ways that patriarchy and misogyny intertwine with it.

big dick = the most 'manly'

whatever that means

and its even more problematic and makes even less sense in my little world where not every guy has a dick and not every person with a dick identifies as a guy.

however again, this is my first fake dick pic

i've definitely had guys feel the need to disclose to me before hooking up, to make sure i understood that they are 'small'. i'm sure lots of guys get rejected cuz of their dick size.

usually size is not a major concern to me as i've had hot sex with guys who are 'small' and really shitty sex with guys who are 'huge'. however, to be honest i do get turned on by a sizable cock and sometimes i can be in a major size queen kind of mood, and i'm in that mood today.

i went onto hook up with this guy and the bottom line is it was just shitty sex regardless of the size of his cock.

Monday, February 7, 2011

"So You Don't Have A Dick?"

Homeboy and I spent a good 30 minutes messaging on a4a. I'd explained what trans meant in about 40 different ways. He responded and said he understood. I got the phone number, the address, set up the time and hit the streets. It took me 20 minutes to get there and it was so fucking cold, but I was also so fucking horny and he looked alright. I get into his one bedroom apt. We're disrobing. I'm looking forward to fucking him in his big, comfortable looking bed. Then right before I take off my boxers, something tells me to stop and remind him that I'm trans. I once again ask if he's comfortable being fucked by a trans dude. He looks at me blankly.
"Trans? What's that?"
You have got to be kidding me.
"I told you this over and over. We messaged about it. I thought you understood?"
As I'm talking, I'm calculating how long it would take me to get to the front door, in case he goes ballistic.
"So you don't have a dick?"
I take a deep breath. This is really not a conversation to be having when I'm in my underwear, with some strange dude who said one thing over the internet, but in person is saying the complete opposite.
"No I don't have a dick. I have a pussy. I specifically messaged you about this." Silence. One minute goes by. Two minutes. I start to pull my pants back up.
"No." He reaches over and stills my hand. "I'm okay with it. I guess I misunderstood. I like pussy. I've just never met anyone like you before."
He likes pussy? I guess we still have our wires crossed. "I'm not here so you can fuck me."
I reached into my bag and pull out my strap. Cock attached, erect and ready.
"Oh," is all he says. I look closely at him then. Was this the dude I was just messaging?
"So you do have a dick after all?" He flashes a shit-eating grin. I sized him up. He was a lean-looking dude, about 5'4"/5'5", 150lbs. I wanted to mess him up so bad...

I fucked him. Doggy. I grabbed his cock, jerking him at the same time. My anger fueling me, making me a little rougher than I should have been. He reached around and pushed my hips away, saying "Damn, easy."
I slowed and focused on his ass. Smooth. Round. Milk chocolate brown. I focused on the feel of his cock on my hand. Warm. Coarse. Veiny. Before I knew it I was moving faster. He didn't stop me this time. I looked at his back and stared at the line going down the middle of it. I love that part of a man's body.
I stopped jerking him and placed both hands on his ass; I needed the leverage. His sounds got louder.

When he eventually came, he lay panting on the bed.
"Bathroom?" I asked, sliding the cock off? He pointed. I went in and cleaned up. While in there, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. No, I didn't feel good about the sex I'd just had. It felt hot, I won't deny that, but the whole interaction at the beginning still had me bugging. And the anger I felt during...

On my way out, he wanted to know if I'd come over again. I mumbled something along the lines of "hit me up and maybe." Then I booked it out of there. I haven't seen him since.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

fucking racists - racial fetishes and hookups

I've been hesitant to publish this piece, but here goes, we said we'd be honest and real in this blog.

I hooked up with this guy from A4A. White guy, 40's, cute in a nerdy kind of way, he was way cuter in his pics then in person (that's been happening to me more frequently lately).

We are having some pre-fuck chat when he starts talking about how he's only into "ethnic guys", white guys just don't do it for him, he needs "some shade to the skin". Great. I steer him away from that subject cuz I don't want to hear it, I just want to fuck, whatever little exotic brown boy fantasy you have going, have it in your head. We went onto fuck and he was actually incredible, like really fucking amazing in bed.

However, I was thinking about this incident afterwards. Outside of the hook up scene i've met my fair share of dudes with racial fetishes, i try to avoid them and usually have nothing to do with them as they tend to make my skin crawl - yet here i am on my knees in front of one of these same guys with his dick in my mouth. I can't help but laugh at myself as i write this.

I mean, sometimes i think about this and think is this because i have a lack of self respect? Is it because i am letting my hornyness get the better of me?

Racism just seems like par for the course with online hook ups. I've had my fair share of rejections when guys find out the color of my skin. The ads that say no blacks or asians or 'latins' or some combination of those are all over the sites. I recognize this as racist bullshit and i don't (well mostly) let it impact me.

I know who I am and I am strong and confident in my identity as a person of color. What do I care that some guy who i am about to fuck and may never see again has an "ethnic fetish". As long as he does not refer to me in racist ways, never had a guy call me his little brown boy, etc., it does not impact me.

Even as I write this, I feel hypocritical. In my daily life i believe in calling out oppression and know that saying, "well it doesn't bother me" doesn't mean its not racist and shouldn't be called out. I know that in the grand scheme of things I should care, i should at least let him know he's racist and not let him continue to live on with his prejudice, in the grand scheme of things at that point I should have some self respect, grab my shit and bounce.

But I don't.

As a person of color I live racism, i've studied it, I written about it, I've givens speeches on it, I've protested it, its not like i don't get it. I have devoted my life to movements for economic and racial justice this is what i live and breath.

Yet as contradictory as it is I don't have a problem with fucking this guy.

Sometimes i just want to get fucked, i want a nice or not so nice depending on my mood guy to kiss me, touch my body and make me cum. Then i want to grab my shit and walk out the door - no strings attached.

the only moment when i even start to feel bad is when i think about how other people would view me, what others would think of me.

Is it disempowering for me to fuck some racial fetish guy - my co blogger thinks so and probably alot of other folks out there, even i do sometimes. But the thing is I don't feel disempowered - the exact opposite in fact - i don't care about this guy - i know what i want and i am getting it.

i don't even know how to end this piece, to be honest i play around with this particular guy every now and then cuz he is such a hot fuck, however i feel like maybe i shouldn't...