"do i have a gut?" - quick fucks and body image continued

lately i've been hanging out more frequently with a crew of non trans gay guys of color ranging in ages from 20's to 40's all very apolitical not at all in the activist left leaning circles i usually run.  they are generally all good, kind caring guys and i have fun hanging out with them for the most part.

one of the first pieces i wrote for this blog was about body image and hook ups - "do i have a gut".  I've been thinking more about this lately due to this new crew i've been hanging with.  the incredible pressure that gay guys internalize around body image.

every single guy, except for one, in this group of long time friends has had some type of surgery to make his body closer to that stereotypical gay male ideal, in some cases more than one.  i had of course heard about gay guys and plastic surgery but i figured it was a wealthy white gay boy kind of thing.

These guys are not rich at all, they saved up thousands of dollars for these procedures.  from hair plugs (dude was in his 20's when he got them) to butt implants, calf implants, and pec implants to surgeries to lose weight like lap bands and lipo.  

while i have not had any surgeries i know that i am as sucked into the gay male body idealism as anyone else.  and i do believe it has gotten progressively worse.  i find myself more self conscious of my body when fucking then i used to be.  i used to think about how i look while i'm fucking periodically.  now i find its a pretty regular occurrence.  'ugh, it looks like i have a gut right now'...  and then it definitely intersects with my internalized transphobia, thoughts like 'he's probably looking at my hips and thighs'....

its gotten to the point that i've realized in some convoluded way sometimes i would rather not fuck dudes who are toned and cut because it makes me extra self conscious about my own body.

its become pretty clear to me that the sizeism of the gay boy world has brought me back to a place.  like many folks raised as girls for most of my childhood starting as young as seven and into my teen years i saw myself as overweight and unattractive.  please note this is only my experience, every trans guy relates to how they were raised and socialized differently i.e. some trans guys were socialized as boys.

in college however i was exposed to a politic that sought to fight the sexist, racist, sizeist ideals of beauty.  that centered a belief that everyone is beautiful and that what you wear or look like is not what's important but who you are, what you believe and what you do.  for many years i embraced this belief.

when i started hormones i definitely became more conscious of how i dress and look as a means to pass.  and no doubt there is alot of sizeism and body image pressure in the transmasculine world but for some reason it didn't impact me so much i believe largely because my core communities sought to resist this and held strong to a body positive politic.

but now the gay boy hook up world is definitely messing with my head.  i believe strongly everyone should love their body and everyone is sexy in their own way.  but applying that belief to myself has gotten more and more difficult.

holiday fuck

i was out of town visiting fam for the holiday.  i was getting hit up alot on all the sites - a wide variety of cuties.  however, i'm here to spend time with my family who i don't see often and it doesn't feel right to leave them alone while i go fuck some dudes.  i am in town for nearly two weeks though so i figure i'll give myself one day to play.  i decide on this one dude because he is interesting, into bdsm, lots of tats, brown skin, just a little taller than me so not a big guy but very cute.

however he is very, very persistent which is a flag for me, not always but often in my experience overly persistent guys either want more than just a fuck i.e. become stalkerish and/or want to be your husband after the first meet up or are desperate for a fuck for a wide range for reasons....(no judgement, just not my thing) but there is something about this particular guy that intrigues me.

we chat on and off for a few days.  i will be his first trans guy.  even though getting to him will be a trek i decide to go for it over closer options.    the day arrives when we have arranged to meet.  i tell my family i'm meeting a friend and head for the bus.  i'm still feeling unsure and nervous about this hook up.  i know that its largely because i'm not on my home turf so feel off my game.  there is also something about his look that is borderline hot/serial killer...  i mean he is very nice but aren't most serial killers nice at the start?  he offers to pick me up repeatedly which i decline, i always feel safer being able to get to a hookup on my own.  he seems to sense my uncertainty suggesting i take a picture of his home and text it to someone when i get there.  which actually makes me more nervous in some kind of weird way i.e. maybe this means i definitely should be nervous.

however i decide to proceed.  its a long bus ride and the bus stop is a bit of a trek to his place, i stop and pick up some beers on the walk.  i finally get there and his home reassures me, for some reason i was picturing a small house, with an empty yard and one car in the front, i don't know why that says serial killer to me...  but instead its a small home with no real yard, a kayak hanging in the garage, a couple cars in front (turns out he has a roomie), a mountain bike chained to the fence.

he lets me into his place which is neat and clean (a thing i have) and has a really nice view.  he is cuter than his pics in person.  he says his roomie is home but doesn't care.  i tell him i brought some beers to which he says he does not drink.  i immediately feel like an ass, i usually ask guys before i bring beer, so much of our communities are in recovery and all.  i apologize and say i don't need to drink and start to put the beer away.  but he say's no its cool, he has been in recovery for a while and doesn't have cravings anymore and he wants me to be comfortable.  he cracks one open and hands it to me.

i take a few sips.  he says you are so cute and sexy and runs his hands down my back.  i smile and put the beer down.  we start making out and he is a very good kisser.  i pull off his shirt and take off mine.  he has the most incredible six pack i have ever seen.  i lie back on the bed and he lies on top of me kissing and grinding.  he starts to suck my nipples which is always an immediate turn on for me.   i reach down for his belt, undue his jeans and stroke his sizable cock through his briefs.  he's hard.  i push him back and we both strip.  i lie back on his bed buck naked.  he says 'you are so hot' as he looks down at me.

i sit up and take his hard thickness in my mouth.  my tongue sliding up and down his length, my lips wrapped around his head.  he groans.  i go at him for a bit then he stops me and asks if he can give me a massage.  nice.  he turns me onto my back and begins to rub oil down my back, ass, legs, his sizable hands kneading my shoulders and moving down.  then he turns me over and begins kissing my nipples and moves down between my legs.  he licks at my clit with the tip of his tongue.  asks if its ok, i tell him to do it a bit lighter, which he does and it feels fucking amazing.  his tongue slides up and down the length of me repeatedly, slipping in and out of me.  i'm very wet and at this point i want more.

i stop him and ask if he has a condom.  he grabs one out of his dresser and puts it on the bed, but then pushes me back plunging his head between my legs.  i just can't get enough he says as his tongue circles my clit.  finally i really can't take anymore and i push him onto his back, grab the condom and slip it on.  then i mount him, slowly as he is a good size, i slide slowly down his cock until he is deep inside me.  we both moan.  i ride him taking the full length of him then pull him on top of me and he fucks me deep, his hips pounding between my legs our bodies rubbing tightly together my legs entwined with his.  we fuck hard and fast, i grab his ass pushing him deep with each stroke.  then he sits up so he's kneeling and can watch his cock sliding in and out of me.  he reaches over and grabs a vibrator from his dresser and places its tip on my clit as he fucks me.  the thrusting of his cock and the vibrations on my clit are bringing me very close.

then he pulls me over so i'm riding him again.  our bodies are slick with the massage oil.  i ride him slow at first, feeling his thickness, then faster, my clit sliding against him as i ride, until i cum collapsing on top of him.  he is still hard as a rock however, but he pulls out and wraps me in a spoon.   we rest for a bit and i look up and realize i've been there over two hours at this point and i need to go.  he says you have to go huh?  i say yeah, but you haven't even cum.  he says no worries, it was more than hot.

i feel a bit bad but not enough to be late to meet my fam so we both clean up.  he insists on at least driving me part of the way which i accept.  on the way we chat he is a really nice guy but i realize that my initial instincts were somewhat right on.  if i actually lived here i think he would have already had boyfriend visions in his head.  however this was definitely a hot fuck.  he drops me off and we part with a quick kiss.  

quickie

i was out of town visiting family.  i had just finished working out at the local gym.  it was about 7am or so.  i logged onto scruff cuz there is a starbucks next to the gym re:  free wifi.  this dude i had been chatting with hit me up.  i said well i'm just leaving the gym but if your up for a quickie i'm game, where yuh at?  he sent me his address and he was very close by.  i said i can head over now if you like, do you have condoms?  he said no do you?  But don't worry i'm hiv negative.  i said no i don't have one (i was just going to the gym not expecting play....) and safe only.  he says let me look.  his next message says, ok found one.  cool i say.  i'll head over.

he says i want you to come in, get on your knees, suck me off hard and then bend over and let me fuck you from behind with your clothes still on.  then i want to pull out and cum on your asshole.  i say all cool, but you can cum on my back.

i head over, get a bit lost on the way but it really takes less than five minute.  i knock and he lets me in.  his cock is already out and he's stroking it.  its dark in his living room. i say are you the only one home?  he says no.  i take off my hoodie and drape it over a chair.  get on my knees and take his cock into my mouth.  i suck him off good and hard.  to be honest i barely looked at the dude.  i vaguely remember from his profile that he's a cute 20's something bearded type.  after a bit i pull back he's erect but not as hard as i prefer but i'm ready to be fucked.

he picks up a condom, lubes up.  i turn around, drop my gym shorts and briefs down to my knees and bend over his couch.  he pushes into me doggy style.  fucks me hard and fast.  i grunt and moan as i take his cock.  after a bit he pulls out.   strips off the condom and begins jerking off.  i do the same.  stroking my clit as he strokes his dick.  as i feel his cum spurt on my back i begin to cum.  he shoots a huge, huge load all over me.  when we are both done he says don't move.  his cum is dripping all over me, down my back, onto my ass.  he grabs a towel, wipes me up, somewhat.  i pull up my gym shorts his cum making the fabric stick to my legs.  thank him and head out the door.  hop back in the family car and head home for a shower. 

finger fucking

I really liked fingering her.

It was the way she'd grab me and squeeze, her wetness coating my finger as I stroked. I loved the way her body would buckle when my finger curled inside her, rubbing a spot that'd make her moan and scream. She came faster and more often than any one I'd ever fucked. The first time we made out, we were chilling on my sofa, sexual tension in the air so thick. I could tell she wanted me to make the move and I'm usually the trepidatious one when it comes to first moves.
"Can I kiss you?" I finally asked.
"Don't you mean may I?" Yes, yes, she'd been giving me sexy snarkiness all night. Her brand of flirtatiousness I guess.

She was all tongue when we kissed and I loved it. The longer we kissed the more turned on I got, like I was falling into some lust-ridden ocean. Have you ever experienced that? A lust that just deepens and deepens till it feels way bigger than you and the other person (or persons) creating it? Before I knew it her tank was down to her waist. Her hands were up my A-shirt. We were twisting our bodies to fit in that couch, not noticing how uncomfortably cramped it was because we just wanted to get closer and closer.

My hand crept up her bare thigh to her wet panties and I played on the outside of her, enjoying the feel of her moisture soaked underwear and her pussy beneath. She felt hot under there and I wanted to slip my finger through the fabric and into her. Instead I held back and slowly circled her hard clit, which I could feel. She sighed into my mouth, her tongue working mine more vigorously, her hand around my neck, craning to bring me closer to her if that was even possible given how physically wrapped around each other we already were. Eventually she stood up, took my arm and dragged-pulled me into my dimly lit bedroom. She was not shy, this one. She pushed me onto my bed, straddled me and slowly took off her tank and sports bra. I tried to sit up because I really wanted to lick and suck her nipples, but she held me down and roughly pulled off my a-shirt. Then she placed both hands on my chest, moved her skirt out of the way and ground her hot and wet panty-ed crotch on mine. She moved like she knew what the fuck she was doing. My hands wrapped around her round ass and squeezed, grinding her hard, internally cursing the shorts and boxers barrier between our bare pussies. I wanted to feel her but I wanted her to decide when. Eventually she grabbed my shoulders and did this hot flip over thing and then I was on top and she pulled my head down to her chest. I hungrily lapped and sucked and encircled with my tongue, alternating between nipples.

At first I was gentle, but her sighs and moans and groans got me hungrier so I bit hard on a nipple.
She emitted a "yes..." while her legs curled underneath me. I spread them, moved her panties to one side with my fingers and my god she was so fucking wet.

"You're so fucking wet," I said into her breast where my mouth was still planted, kissing and licking while my middle finger parted her pussy and plunged into her quickly, making her buckle and twist and utter unintelligibles. I wanted her bad. This wasn't going to be no slow n' gentle finger fucking. As I fucked her I licked and bit my way from her breasts up her neck to her open mouth and her tongue was ready. I sucked that too. She reciprocated with mine. Our mouths clasped and wouldn't let go. Down below, my middle finger was curling and uncurling, gently twisting, roughly going in and out. Our mouths unclasped.

"Oh god...," she muttered
"You like that?"
"Yes...god." I slipped in another finger which made for an even tighter fit.
"You like me fucking your pussy?" I was whispering into her ear and she must have liked that because I felt more wetness on my fingers and hand.
"Yes...oh god...don't stop. I'm gonna..." Her body did the buckling and winding thing beneath me. Her hands around me tightly. Suddenly I wanted to see my what my fingers were doing. I wanted to see her pussy swallow them in. So I moved down her stomach, kissing and licking on my way down and the sight that awaited me was just...

I wanted to fuck her deeper. Normally my strap-on cock would have made an appearance, but she just felt so damn good on my fingers. I lifted and bent one of her legs 90 degrees style, which opened her more and I slipped in deeper. The way her pussy would grab me was heaven. The wetness, the sounds as I slipped in and out, all of this just drove me wild.
"I could fuck you all night," and I meant it. Just as I said that she tightened around me. I didn't think she could get any tighter and I felt her orgasm start building, so I moved faster. Feeling every surface of her, curling and flicking my fingers inside her. She got really loud as she came and her body arched off the bed and damn what a beautiful sight. When she came down from that, she pulled me to her and held me in a tight embrace.

A few minutes later, I still lay on top of her. We kissed softly and gently, over and over and over. No tongue. Just wet lips clasping and unclasping, making loud suction sounds, hmm-ing from time to time. Then her hands wrapped around my shoulder, the kisses grew more urgent, her legs parted and my hand started sliding down...

just a good fuck

dude had hit me up on line the day before but i wasn't free.  twink of color.  twinks are usually not my type but he has a huge cock and that's what i happen to be looking for at the moment.  he has never been with a trans guy before.  we arrange to meet up.  he is mad late which is annoying.  he shows up and he is actually not twinkish at all.  big tall corn fed type.  not skinny, not muscular, not big or bearish.  very hot.  very much my type.  he's also incredibly smooth which i'm starting to realize is my preference.

we chat a bit over a beer then get to it.  we kiss our clothes still on. he's a good kisser.  i pull off his shirt and take of mine.  we kiss and grind just feeling each other's bodies.  i kneel down between his legs and unbutton his jeans pulling out his sizable cock.  i put him in my mouth and blow him.  he's big but for some reason i'm able to deep throat him which is very hot.  usually i can only deep throat with smaller guys.

i pull back and take of his jeans.  i strip and lie back on the bed.  he sucks my nipples and plays with my clit. then he spreads my legs and kneels down between them.  i feel his tongue on my clit, stroking it, then i feel his tongue inside me, as he licks the full length of me.  he seems like he could do this for a while but i can only take so much.  i stop him and push him onto his back.

i blow him a bit but he's fully hard and clearly ready.  i grab a condom (magnum xl) slip it on him, lube him up and put his tip to my hole.  i take it slow as he is big.  easing him into me until i can take the full length then i ride him.  as i ride him he moans and say my name.  hot.

so this was a very long session - it lasted 2 and half hours thus i can only give highlights.

he is kneeling between my legs, stroking me slow and steady, i can feel an orgasm building, nothing is touching my clit, the size of his cock and the angle of his fuck are making me cum.  he keeps stroking me as my body starts to tighten, i moan and grab his arms, his cock plunging in and out of me, so thick its stimulating my clit, i have never cum like this before, i throw my head back my eyes closed and cum hard

he is in a seated position and i'm riding him.  i'm fucking the full length of him, slamming my body onto his cock hard and fast and he's raising his hips to meet me.  its hard and loud and the bed threatens to break as we fuck each other.

he turns me over onto my hands and knees.  pushes the head of his cock into me.  slowly just the head at first.  then he begins stroking me slow i look back see him watching his cock slide in and out of me sometimes just the tip other times giving me his full length.  like he's exploring different ways to fill me.

we literally fucked for about 2 and a half hours non stop. towards the end i told him i couldn't do anymore.  he stripped off the condom and i blew him a bit then he jerked off,  stroking himself while playing with my clit.  blows his load on my chest.

Caramel: My "Blue Balls" Story

We were supposed to have coffee, but opted for beers instead. It was a crowded bar and I wanted privacy; I had some questions to ask. Questions about the mechanics of what we were maybe going to do if this first "meeting" went well. See, I think it's important to clarify just how you're going to fuck before the actual event takes place. This is crucial.

Homeboy and I, after we were seated, started talking about the trivial shit we could care less about. He's a student, math major. Okay, that's kinda hot. As a proud, card-carrying nerd, I'm quite into fucking other nerds. Eventually, I just blurted out "so what do you think?" His hazel colored eyes traveled down my face, lingered for a second on my beard, moved down to my chest. "You're a dude" He looked at me then like I was supposed to feel complimented by his assessment.
"I know this. I mean, what are you into sexually?"
"Not dudes," he said and took another swig of his corona.
I grinned then. I don't know why, but there are certain nontrans guys I just love fucking with. The type who'll flirt yet still insist that I'm a girl. The type who'll message me incessantly, anxiously wanting to meet, yet when they encounter the realness of me, and the reality of their attraction to masculine bodies, will throw up some front. Alright. I decided to play along.
"Cool," I responded noncommittally, "then we're just 2 dudes having a beer." That's when he started sharing his "women troubles" with me. Women just don't get him. He was married for 10 years and she did him dirty. He's really into trans women, but responded to my ad out of curiosity.

"Tell me," he segued, "how can you be living as a guy and still be attracted to dudes?"
"I like dick," I responded, making sure to over-enunciate the K. My lightweight ass was beginning to feel the effects of the beer and I'm raunchy as hell when buzzed. "Do you like to perform oral?" he asked without missing a beat. Obviously, the beer was working on him too. "Do you?" I asked back. "Very much so. I'd like to see you without your clothes." I asked him if he was more interested in proving or disproving something else about my gender. "Maybe, but I also just want to see you." He flashed the same seductive smile he'd sported in his pic. The same pic where he'd been shirtless, a doo rag on, and his smooth, caramel-toned torso inspiring thoughts of the X-rated variety.

"Are you into rough stuff?" he continued. The negotiation had started and I was trying my damnest not to let my excitement show; negotiating sex acts is one of my favorite types of conversation. I wanted him to clarify what he meant by "rough". "I'm an aggressive top," he added with a sly grin. Oh yeah, I'm familiar with the type. For nontrans men it may mean they have to make the first move. They have to flip you around, contort you into various positions. They may talk dirty in your ear, pinning you down as they plunge into you. In other words, power - expressing it - turns them on. (I know this may sound scary to some, but power play during sex can be hot. You just have to talk honestly about what you will and won't do.) I'm not into pain and I mentioned this to him. Neither was he.

"You realize that you'll be doing all of this with a dude, right?" I reminded him, after we'd spent a few more minutes listing a few other activities we wanted to try together. He shook his head. "I can't see you that way while we're doing this." What the fuck?! "I see a dude in front of me now, but when we're fucking, in my head you'll be a..." He trailed off then and I knew what he was afraid to say. Shit. That caramel hue, smooth skin, and "fuck me" smile really had me wanting things to go down. But could I do it with a dude who refuses to see me for who and what I am?

I tried to tune out the rest of his rambling and quickly finished my beer. Snatches of his monologue, like "I can host" and "my place isn't far", inadvertently caught my attention. I had to get the hell out of there before my libido continued making decisions for me. I caught the waiter's attention and asked for the bill. "You're ready to go?" He asked. "Yeah, I'm going home, but this has been...nice." He looked surprised then. I said I couldn't sleep with someone who pretended I was someone else. I got up to go and he asked if I was sure about wanting to leave. I looked at him and, god, the lookist in me wanted to sit my ass back down. But I just couldn't let myself go there, so with that I wished him a good night and left.

he was scared, petrified even

I got home from work after a really long day and sat down with a glass of wine to just chill. I wasn't planning to go on any hook ups, I was just surfing the sites to see what I could arrange for future dates, but then I got hit up by this very hot guy, a model, who also lived really close by (again my local hook up thing...) We chatted for a while online. At least an hour.

He’s only been with non trans boys before and wants to try fucking a pussy, said he's been fantasizing about it. He said it needs to be real discreet because his friends would make fun of him..... I said well you get that i'm a guy right, I look like a guy, he said yeah, that his friends however are asses sometimes.

He wanted me to come over in an hour which was way past my bedtime, but he convinced me so I hopped on my bike around 2am (I love biking late at night), I was there in five minutes. He was very hot in that stereotypical gay boy kind of way – big, muscular and toned, brown skin, tattoo across his chest.

This big, incredibly hot, muscular guy who could easily literally pick me up and toss me out the door if he wanted was scared. Petrified is probably a better word.

He kept chatting about random things, couldn't really look at me, he kept saying how nervous he was. It was actually very cute. I kept reassuring him that there was nothing to be nervous about.

I had to lead him to his bed - he lay back on it. He already had his shirt off. I sucked his nipples some. I asked him if he wanted me to take off my shirt (no top surgery) he said yeah. So I stripped and then pulled off his shorts and boxers. He was not hard yet so I sucked him off for a while, my lips stroking his cock, i felt him growing hard down my throat. He moaned. I stopped, slipped a condom over his cock and guided him into me slowly, he was not that big or thick i just wanted to enjoy the look on his face as he entered me - his eyes wide open watching me.

I rode him for a few minutes, slowly, loving his look of pleasure, and he told me he was gonna cum, after a few more strokes he shot into me. It was quick but hot.

Afterwards as I was getting dressed he thanked me and said it was "different" with this kind of confused expression on his face. I smiled because the way he said it was very cute - like he just didn't know what to think about what just happened. Then i hopped on my bike and was home in five. It all took less than an hour.

I texted him thanks and he texted back "Thanks bro, have a good nite."

my first time

I had seen his ad on Craigslist something along the lines of bio guy looking for an ftm. I had just started exploring the world of anonymous play with non trans guys, but had yet to actually do a hookup. I had been surfing the net a lot – reading mystery fag and transfag blogs which are hot if you have not read them check them out. I also had read the safer sex for trans guys guide a ridiculous amount of times. Nerd that i am i had done my homework.

I had posted on Craigslist and gotten a lot of response, a few interesting, a few creepy, and a lot in between. I was on Manhunt and Adam4Adam but in a very tentative kind of way which for me looked like a clothed pic and blurry face pics and a profile that didn’t say much. I had chatted with some guys, but I had yet to set something up.

His ad said he’d been with trans guys before so I decided to message him. He responded right away and we exchanged pics. He was cute, late 20’s or so, black guy, skinny. We chatted for a while exchanging a lot of emails. So he said when you want to meet. I was pretty nervous about it all, but there really wasn’t anymore to say via email, I put it off for a bit, but then decided to just go for it and we set a date.

That night I put on a cute outfit, made sure I was bound up (i used to worry that because i have not had top surgery it would turns guys off but that has not been an issue so far), trying to look as 'guy' like as possible, I headed out. I was nervous but excited.

When I was a few blocks from his place I texted him, he said he would meet me outside. I got to his place. He looks different than I expected, extra skinny, very gay, not my kind of hot, but not unattractive, he just got off work so has on a button up and slacks. I say stupid nervous stuff as we head up to his apartment. He takes me to his room which is incredibly neat. We sit on his bed and chat about random stuff. Then he says you are way cuter than your pictures. I just smile.

He leans in and kisses me. We kiss for a while, he is a really good kisser. He's very confident which i like, he unbuttons my shirt and pulls of my top and binder and unbuttons my pants, I pull them off and help him with his. I’ve been pussy fucked before, but never with a live cock. I’m nervous.

As a result, I don’t remember a whole lot about the fucking except that it was good and not long but not short and that there were some hot moments. I also let him fuck me in the ass which was incredibly painful and a little messy which I felt embarrassed about but he didn’t care. The ass fucking wasn’t particularly enjoyable and I know that at the time I did it because I felt I needed to in order to fuck gay boys.

After we fucked, we chatted more about our lives, he kept saying how hot i was, how sexy I am, how he’s sure I can get any guy I want. It was a definite ego boost. As I’m getting up to go he asks if I want to see him again, he says be honest, I’m not sure but say yes.

Heading home, I stop at a coffee shop to use the bathroom and clean up. I don’t know yet to just ask to use the bathroom and rinse off before I leave a hookup. My ass is sore, I feel like I smell like sex, I clearly need a shower. To be honest while I would like to say I was totally happy and excited, I remember mostly feeling glad that I hadn’t been killed, robbed or made to do things I didn’t want – basically I remember feeling sticky, sore and relieved that I had finally done it.

I got home, showered, and made some food. Once I was feeling a little more together I remember smiling to myself – I felt good in my body – good that I had overcome my fear and nervousness, good that I had taken control of my sexuality in a way I had not before, good to be desired and considered hot and sexy, just good in all off my little transboy gayness.

my army guy - about an orgasm

I had hooked up with this guy before, for a while he was one of my regulars, gay, white, working class, used to be in the army, in his 40’s, big tall guy, I wanna say more than 6 feet, 200 something lbs, big and strong, a bears build but with incredibly smooth skin. He has a stunningly beautiful face, just striking, like when he was younger he was one of those shirtless boys on the cover of gay mags, however he looks and dresses like the guy next door mowing his lawn on weekends - Bermuda style shorts, short sleeve button up that stretches over his belly, flip flops.

He’s also a real sweetie. I love big burly ultra masculine guys who are sweethearts.

He sent me a text earlier in the week where he said he wanted to tell me something but didn’t know how to say it in a respectful way (I’m his first trans guy) to which I said just say it no worries. So he said in his entire lifetime he’s only had sex with two women before me or something to that effect… I can feel everyone cringing as you read this, however like I said he’s a total sweet heart and I know he respects my gender, I can tell he’s just struggling with words. So I just say well you know I’m a guy… he said yeah, of course, so I say each trans guy is different but for me you can say I’m only the third pussy you’ve ever fucked unless that’s too crude for you... Then he actually repeats it back to me via text – third pussy I’ve fucked. Totally made me smile. Very teachable.

Anyways onto the fucking cuz that's what this piece is really about.

So I get to his place and he starts kissing me as soon as i walk through the door. I can feel his hard on through his shorts, I'm very turned on. However, he wants to take a shower before we fuck so I decide to join him. His shower is real old school where there is just a shower head and drain in the floor of the bathroom – no stall or tub. This set up makes it extra hot, I’ve never been in a bathhouse but its what I imagine one would be like. We play around some, soaping each other up, I suck him off a bit, then this huge guy, kneels down before me on the old white tile floor and sucks me off, I place my hand on his head as he blows me – shower blow jobs – very hot. We dry off and head to his room.

He lies down on the bed and I climb on top of him, i say climb because that's how big he is. We kiss for a long time – he is an incredible kisser. He flips me over and sucks my nipples then tongues my clit for a while until its too much and I push him off. I put his cock in my mouth, he is already hard as I wrap my lips around his dick, he has a beautiful cock and I go at him for a bit, taking him down my throat, he groans.

He pulls me off and grabs a condom, I lube him up. He lies back and lifts me on top of him, I guide him into me, he's big and thick so i have to go slow at first, just the head until I can take more, he moans as my cunt finally fully encases his cock, I ride him for a while loving the look of pleasure on his face, then he turns me over, fucks me for a while in a couple different position until he lays me on my back puts my legs on his shoulders and as he's stroking says he's gonna cum, I tell him 'cum for me baby' and he starts pounding his full weight into me, until finally he shoots cumming inside me. so hot.

All the while we are fucking he keeps saying how amazing and sexy I am.

We rest for a bit, curled up together, he's a great cuddler. We chat some about our lives, then he starts talking politics, this is when i wish he would stop talking, he's a total conservative. I quickly change the subject - i'm here cuz you're a sweetie and amazing in bed - I don't want to get into your problematic political views.... thankfully, we talk about other random things then he kisses me and i can feel that he's hard again.

He begins fingering my nipples then put his lips around one, sucking until its erect, all the while he's playing with my clit, i moan wanting him badly, he says i just want to make you feel good. i tell him to get a condom and I pull him on top of me. He slowly pushes into me, then begins fucking me missionary style. He fucks me like this for a while and he's stroking me just right... in that way where his cock is filling me up and his body is rubbing my clit just hard enough. I’m glad no one else is home because between the banging of the bed and both of our moans we are being very loud.

He fucks me like this for a long time, our bodies pressed closely together and I can feel that i'm getting close to cumming, i wrap my arms around him, well as far as they'll go, and say into his ear 'don't stop'. he keeps going, stroking me harder and grinding his body against my clit and i'm losing it at this point, i'm raising my hips to meet each stroke, our fucking is frantic, i just keep saying 'don't stop' and he doesn't, as I start to cum his cock plunging deep inside me I hold him even tighter until my body literally explodes, i don't even know what i'm doing as i simultaneously clutch at him and push him away, one of the most incredible orgasms i've ever had.

He’s still fucking me and I can’t take it anymore, i tell him to stop, he stops immediately and looks at me concerned asks if I’m ok, if he hurt me, I shake my head and smile, ‘no man that was amazing’, funny thing about alot of gay boys they have no idea when your cumming. Anyways, he’s still hard, asks if i need to rest, and I do, but i want him to cum too so i shake my head turn around and he fucks me doggy style, its starting to be too much again and i'm about to tell him i can't anymore when he groans and collapses on top of me.

We lie like that for a while, then i move out from under him and put my head on his chest and we just rest.

Then i have to go. As i'm heading out the door I kiss him goodbye and he says please text me so i know you got home safe. I say you're such a sweetie. to which he says, "well we have to look out for each other because no one else will". bad politics and all I can't help but like this guy.

“Do I have a gut?” – Quick Fucks and Body Image

As a person raised female, who lived a good amount of years as a queer woman of color, I internalized the oppressive beliefs that our society promotes about beauty and sexuality, about what types of bodies are deemed sexy and attractive - bodies that are most always young, thin, tall, white, and without visible disability. I feel and know this in my body even now that I am not a woman and have not been for sometime now.

As a woman I had worked hard to unlearn and let go of society’s messages about beauty, of course it never really fully goes away, but I had come to see the beauty and hotness in women of color’s bodies amongst all the immense variety and difference.

For gay men, there is a similar dynamic about what’s hot and sexy. Click on any of the hook up sites, open up any gay mag, the pages are filled with young guys, muscular, toned and smooth. I don’t know how many times I’ve been lounging in bed after a hook up with a perfectly attractive sexy guy only to have him put down his body – I need to go to the gym more… I didn’t use to have this gut… My response is always the same, “I like your body, your hot, don’t be silly babe..” And for gay men of color there are all the complicated ways that racism intertwines from the ways we are deemed attractive because we are exotic or unattractive because we are not white, but that’s a discussion for another piece….

Jumping full force into the hook up scene I of course knew about the stereotypical gay boy vision of beauty, but I was unprepared for how it would play out in my mind, body and crotch. All of a sudden I was back in a place that I had not been for a very long time, I found myself hyper aware of my weight and my body shape. I rationalized it to myself that being naked in front of people on a pretty frequent basis is going to lead to some awareness of what I look like naked, but really that’s BS. I found myself wanting that stereotypical gay male hotness – I was going to the gym a lot more, watching what I eat a lot more, what I wear. As a trans guy i felt it even more so, from this place of thinking that I’m already trans, thus unattractive to many guys, so I need to look as stereotypically attractive as I possibly can.

On the flipside, while I am attracted to a wide variety of guys, its enough to say that it’s a wide range of shapes, sizes, races, age… I found myself, too often placing that problematic judgement of hotness on who I chose to pursue. Clearly, this is hooking up, this is not dating, this is not a relationship, its about sex and fucking and getting off, its about physical attraction from the get, but I hate the ways that this can play into all the messed up beliefs society has about bodies and beauty.

I believe, as does my co-blogger, that there is hotness and beauty in the full diversity of gay men of color (trans or non trans) and trans and gender queer people of color. And because attraction and sexuality are so diverse, there will always be people who find us sexy regardless of what society promotes.

However, while I would like to say I’m over it all both in how I see myself and how I see others, I am still learning how to live this belief in the gay boy world of quick fucks, anonymous hook ups, and online play.

beautiful boy

This guy had been hitting me up on ManHunt for some time now. We had been messaging back and forth periodically. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to hook up with him. He is not my type physically based on his pictures but sometimes, at least for me, physical attraction and sexual attraction don’t always equate. There is also something interesting about him in a punk, alternative kind of way... And he has been with trans guys before which is always a good thing. Saturday he started messaging me on MH. Pretty hot messages. He is a total dom and sometimes I’m in the mood to be a total sub…

Sunday night rolls around and he says come over he has about an hour or two to host. His texts are not requests but orders which I find pretty hot. So I hop on my bike and I’m there quickly. He comes to the door and he really is not my type at all but I decide to go with it. He’s nice and in person less of a dom which is what it is. We get into his place and he immediately starts kissing me, we make the way to his couch and both strip, he’s hard and I suck him off some, then we fuck for a while, its good, not great, but good.

Afterwards, I’m sprawled out on my back on his couch, still entirely naked my arms behind my head, recovering a little.

He looks down at me and says slowly with a smile “You really are a beautiful boy”.

Love it.

I've been on testosterone for a long time but I have not had any surgery top or bottom. I didn't end up hooking up with this guy again, but I always remember him saying that. of course i don't think we should rely on other people in order to affirm and love our bodies, but as trans and genderqueer people of color the message the outside world sends us is almost always negative, so when the outside world sends something affirming amidst all the complications of race, gender and sex - its nice to take note of.

My Boyfriend Hates My Genitalia

I dated this nontrans guy for several months. We met online and were really only meant to fuck a couple times and call it a night. Him: white doctor's kid from Oklahoma. I was his first almost everything. First black person he'd dated. First trans man he'd fucked. First leftist he'd engaged with on the daily. To say the relationship was froth with problems and misalignment would be a gross understatement. Our first fight was over whether or not racism still existed. Before hooking up with him, I'd totally forgotten how race, gender and class privilege can totally distort your idea of reality. I kept asking him what the hell a rich white kid from Oklahoma could know about the black experience in America.

Perhaps the most stymying thing of all was his dislike, no, aversion for my genitalia. We first met as he, newly out of the closet, was embarking on his then new life as a gay man. I was about to go back on hormones but felt unsure if the life of a gay trans man was in the cards for me. We met somewhere at the beginning of these new journeys and, granted, this wasn't exactly the ideal circumstance under which to build anything of consequence. The first night I went to his place, I was bugging out over whether or not I passed enough. As he cooked dinner and talked about his love for all things masculine, he kept sneaking peeks at my chest. This was before my work-out obsession, so the pecs were more tit-like.

After dinner, he jumped me on his couch. I felt awkward, like I was going through the motions and he was doing what was expected of him. That's when I noticed I was angling my crotch away from his. I didn't want the reality of my body to dawn on him. I wanted to keep the illusion going as long as possible. Yeah, he knew about me being trans. And yeah, I knew about his preference for cock. But somehow here we were, trying out something that neither of us knew shit about.

This moment marked our relationship. Every time we fucked and he touched my clit, oftentimes half-heartedly, I knew. Every time he'd rather I sucked his cock than do anything else, I felt it. Every time he gave some reason we couldn't have sex, it was obvious. He wanted nothing to do with my pussy. He was turned on by the physical changes brought on by T. The muscles. The deepening voice. "I'm a gay man," was his stock answer whenever I asked him why he didn't like touching me down there. "So am I," I'd respond. Is that all sexual orientation is about? Whether you prefer cock to pussy or the other way around? This question nagged at me throughout our time together. I wanted to respect his coming out process and his identity as a gay man. But what did this identity have to do with my genitalia?

Thankfully, I gained some perspective (too much) later and ended it. But I still think about this question of genitalia and sexual orientation. Through my experiences I've learned that for some gay nontrans men, my pussy is kinda like "trying a new dish" and for others it's no mans land - they may get turned on by the rest of me, but can't quite reconcile themselves to the juxtaposition of a masculine body and a vagina.

roof top screw

So I have a thing for roof tops. Hooked up with my regular who I’m always
questioning if I should hook up with again. I’ve written about him before. Latino bear daddy type. Its just I have a thing for daddy types sometimes… so we arranged to meet at his place, he said he had a family thing to go to beforehand but I was like no worries I can hang at the bar if you’re running late. Got to the bar and he texted that he was gonna be late and that I could meet him at his family thing if I wanted (oh yeah forgot to mention the reason I’m always questioning this guy is he is a bit much, he wants way more than a hook up… borders on obsessive... however he is a really good fuck). I said no I would hang at the bar. Waited for a very long time…. Annoyed and about to leave but then he showed up.

His family was home when we got to his apartment, which is awkward, so we went up to his roof top. This made the wait worth it. It’s a nice summer night. We drink some wine. He kisses me and plays with my nipples through my shirt, very hot. I unbutton his pants and kneel down in front of him. I take his cock into my mouth, he is already hard, I suck him off while he plays with my nipples through my shirt. He unbuttons my pants and fingers my clit. He puts his shirt on the ground and lays me down on top of it and pulls off my pants, i slip a condom over his dick, he drops his pants to his ankles and he pushes into me. The ground is way too uncomfortable so I stop him and get up. At this point he kicks off his pants and picks me up in his arms, i wrap my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist and he slides into me, fucks me standing – love it. Love that he is so big and strong and can fuck me like that. We fuck like that for a while. Then he carries me over to a bench that they have on the roof and I ride him for a while, i look up at the stars as we fuck. Shit so hot. I ride him til we both cum. I put my pants back on and we drink some more wine. We head back downstairs to his apartment.

We get to his room and he lays me on the bed and we start kissing and grinding. We strip again and he sucks me off and then starts tongueing my ass. He’s hard again and he turns me over and asks if he can fuck me there. This is not something I normally do but I’m in the mood (I’m also a little sore in front from previous hookups…). I say yeah but to go slow, he slips on a condom and rubs the tip of his cock against my asshole, until i'm wanting it, grinding back on him, then he slowly pushes in, fucking me slow at first then fast and hard until I can’t take it any more. I tell him to switch condoms and he fucks my pussy for what seems like forever until we both cum. I lie on top of him exhausted.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, I wake up and the sun is starting to come up, I don’t like to spend the night at my hookups, just a thing I have, however I’m still here… he's spooning me and i feel his cock against my ass, he’s hard, we grind for a while then I tell him to get a condom and he pushes inside me, fucks me slow and hard, I rub my clit as we fuck, he keeps fucking me then pulls out, takes of the condom and shoots all over my back.

I clean up and tell him i have to go, he offers to make breakfast, to call me a cab, all which i decline. i kiss him goodbye as i leave. The sun has just come up as i'm walking home, love early mornings especially after i've been fucked...

The Craigslist Hook Up

One of the least enjoyable aspects of the anonymous sex scene is what I refer to as the "setting up" stage. The moment when you're horny as all hell and you've exhausted the million different ways to fuck yourself with your favorite dildo and you're way overdue for someone else to be wielding a cock in your general direction. So you hop onto one of the sites - craigslist, adam4adam, manhunt, etc. Some sites are more effective than others. I've tried all three of these with varying success.

Craigslist is a "you gotta work for it" kinda site. First there's the ad development phase. You have to decide how you want to describe your "trans-ness". Using terms like FTM, Trans Man, Trans Boy, has to be a deliberate choice, because each term draws a particular type of "gent". If you describe yourself as "FTM", you're more likely to draw a guy, for whom attraction for trans men has been tried, tested, and proven to be true. He can actually say "female to male" without tripping over words and looking seriously confused. This is my favorite kind of CL hook up because the sex is usually hot. If you describe yourself as a "Trans Boy", then expect the "daddy" types to hit you up. For some reason, the term "Trans Man" draws a lot more guys who are actually looking for trans women. Go figure.

Once the ad has been placed and the responses start trickling or rolling in, then the real work begins. Some men aren't scared to air their shit - they'll send cock pics right away, want to meet that day, and eagerly list all the many dirty things they'd like to do to you. Others are shy and hesitant. They're usually living a totally straight (and narrow) life with a girlfriend or wife, so every once in a while they gotta get a little kink in their life and that's where you come in. I generally steer clear of these guys, because, well...there's just too much potential for drama. Then there are the fools who, even after you've been clear about what being a trans guy means in your ad, you've emailed back and forth about this, they've seen your pictures (face and torso), they know about the facial hair, somehow after all this they're expecting (hoping and praying for) you to look more like a butch woman. I can tell you from experience, very rarely does meeting up with a guy like this result in sex (or even good sex). Once in a while, yes, a dude surprises the hell out of you and you walk away all glowing and shit, but most of the time, it results in nothing or nothing to write home about. You may have to wade through tons of responses from CL, a lot of them icky, and really only find one guy that you'd disrobe for, which is quite common, as well as time consuming! So, yeah, the CL hook up usually requires a lot of work.

he asked - when did you get your dick removed...

Met up with one of my regulars last night. He’s one I’m always questioning if I want to do again. And last nite kind of sucked... I got home in the early morn and was feeling like I needed something more. So I got on my sites to see what I could make happen. Made plans with a guy i had been chatting with for a bit for later that night. In the process got hit up by this guy who is in biking distance (I’m a real sucker for anything local) it was clear it was gonna be a quick thing he only had an hour and a half so i thought why not? So I hop on my bike and head over. Young looking guy says he’s 30 but looks ways younger, cute, latino, smooth, thin. I get there, its clearly a family home, kids toys around, etc.

he takes me to his room and the first thing i notice is the bunk bed.

he says that his little brother, who is six, shares his room. We chat for literally a minute and he pulls out his cock. I suck him off some, he asks me if i like his cock. we both strip, I slip a condom over him, he lies me down on the bottom bunk (fucking hilarious) pushes in side me and fucks me hard missionary style, he comes real fast, shoots inside me though which always turns me on.

Afterwards as I’m putting my clothes back on he asks when I had the surgery, I say what do you mean, he says yuh know when did you get your dick removed…. In my head I’m thinking what the fuck, but I just say patiently, cuz he doesn't say it in a shady way, I was born like this, i was born female and now i'm a guy. He just nods and say oh still looking a little confused. I finish getting dressed, we thank each other and I head out the door….

Manhunt and Adam4Adam

so my co blogger and i were talking about how we don't include in our posts the process of arranging the hook up so i thought i'd share what i do. this is just what i feel comfortable with, everyone has there own way, no judgement intended, much respect and luv for whatever folks do to arrange to fuck : ).

so to start i used adam4adam and manhunt alot. i've used craigslist in the past and gotten some good results, but i'm a bit lazy and craigslist is sometimes more work then a4a and mh. my profile on those sites explicitly says that i'm a trans guy however no one reads the profiles... i have a public pic up that show's some skin (no breasts or genitals though - i've heard mh and a4a will take it down if you do that, but i also know some transguys who have gotten away with it), its a torso shot, i've gotten much better results with that then when i had a clothed pic up. i don't publicly post a face pic.  again just my thing i know lots of transguys who post face pics. 

i very rarely hit up guys, i usually wait for them to hit me up, in hopes that they at least glanced at the profile, i'm all about efficiency and feel like if they're hitting me up its more likely to work out then the other way around - not into wasting time... and clearly not all of the guys on these sites are into trans guys. UPDATE - recently i have started approaching guys more.  basically A4A and MH both let you see who has looked at your profile.  so now if someone has looked at my profile and i find them interesting sometimes i message them before they message me.  i have gotten some good results doing this but have yet to close the deal....

when a guy hits me up the first thing i say to him is that i'm a trans guy and i explicitly explain what that means, that i was born female but now am a guy, that for me it means i'm on hormones and pass as a guy but i have not had any surgery, and i spell that out for them, i say that means i still have breasts and a pussy (i know that some trans guys don't use that term to refer to their genitals and i fully respect and get that, but i use it and i am totally ok with it).

in my experience either there is no response or the guys will be like yeah i'm into it/interested. expect a good amount of non response - that's the reality of the hook up scene especially for us trans and genderqueer folks. i have a friend, another trans guy who also likes to play, he gets down sometimes about the non response, but i believe you can't take that shit personally.

then there's some back and forth and negotiation - how much largely depends on the guy, my mood, his mood and sometimes just the time of day...

the majority of time i have to do some amount of trans 101, i'm ok with doing that, i know other folks are not - again its a personal choice.

almost always i say what i like to do and what i don't. i like to do that negotiation beforehand and not in the heat of the moment. and the online negotiation of that can be pretty hot sometimes... 

i'm gonna probably keep adding to this post so check back sometimes.

unsafe sex

So I hooked up with one of my regulars tonite, I don’t like to write about my regulars too much, but it was very hot, there is a category of regulars I like where I just feel very comfortable, no surprises, just good fucking. Basically I hadn’t fucked anyone in over two weeks due to travel and illness so I was majorly in need…. Now I’m home and I’m surfing the web. Not looking to play anymore tonite, just looking around…

So my co blogger and I are strong believers in Safer Sex. Though I will admit that there are times that I’ve been unsafe…

the time the condom slipped, my regular or two who I let fuck me without a condom, that I never use a condom for oral sex.... I say this because I think its important to be real and honest, while I would like to say that I practice safer sex 100% of the time, that’s not my reality.

I value my life and my health and I love and respect all my hiv positive family, most of the time I won’t fuck without a condom, at the same time I think its important to be real and I believe shame has never improved anyone’s health or life.

I believe in being safe, I believe in harm reduction, I believe in getting tested regularly, I believe no one should make you do something you don’t want to do, nor should you do something cuz you feel like no one else will want to fuck you, trans people are beautiful and sexy and there are lots of people who want to fuck us – this I know without a doubt.

Yet its complicated, when i let my regular fuck me without a condom, why do i do it? Sometimes shit happens, sometimes our beliefs and our actions don't align and i could lie and say that i'm always safe but I guess i'm looking for a sexual reality that's real - which at least for me means a little messy....

That said here is a really good resource about safer sex and ftm’s best one I’ve found. be safe : )

http://www.queertransmen.org/

Beaded Penis

He'd had beads inserted into his penis. When he showed it to me later, I was struck by the ordinariness of it. His penis was short and stump with these tiny sperical objects sticking out at odd intervals. Immediately, I could tell why he needed to adorn his dick with jewelry. Obviously he wanted something more than it could offer. "It enhances the sensation" he said with a smile and I smiled back, more out of politeness than anything. The color of his dick was pretty though. Reddish brown. Slightly darker than the rest of him. It brought to mind ovaltine and for that reason I wanted to taste it. I decided to call him "bumpy" and no, the beads didn't enhance a thing. Bumpy was alright in the sack, though "doggy-style" was certainly his piece de resistance.

Let me say a thing or two about doggy-style. One: rarely do I say "doggy-style" out loud without dissolving into a fit of giggles. It's just such a silly name and belies the seriousness of the act. Two: In my former life, I hated this position. It just seemed too vulnerable of a state to be in. Getting down on all fours, and allowing someone else to see all into your asscrack. My middle-class demure upbringing just wouldn't let me get into it! This was of course back when I set way too many boundaries around my sexuality, or rather when I allowed social norms to dictate how and when I should fuck. Well, here I am years later and I have to say "doggy" or "down on all fours" has become one of my faves. Not only does it make it easier for my g-spot to be stimulated, it also is just erotic as hell when a guy hangs onto my waist or my ass for leverage and pounds my ass. There's something so primal about the position which also adds to the appeal of it. And whatever Bumpy lacked in dick girth, he certainly made up in motion. Yeah, there may be a thing or two to that "motion in the ocean" adage.

Bumpy and I rendezvous-ed twice, which is my limit with most men I sleep with. I rarely ever cross over into thrice or we may as well be dating. I don't do "regular fucks". I figure if I've reached that level with a dude, then there had better be more than just fucking going on. In other words, I tend to get attached. It's the way I'm made up. Anyway, Bumpy and I did our thing twice and the 2nd time was even hotter. He hosted this time and his roommate, the ex-girlfriend (or so I was told), was out doing god knows what. He invited me into his giant soft bed and proceeded to lick the hell out of my pussy. That-is-what-I-am-talking-about. I may have said that out loud, in between bellows of "yes" and "god" and "I'm gonna cum". Yeah, it was good that 2nd time.

And there would have been a 3rd time if he hadn't gone and freaked out over the trans bit. By fuck session number 2 I'd started experiencing all the usual changes trans dudes experience. I don't know who he thought he was screwing. He must have blocked out the "I'm a trans dude" portion of our introduction. For some reason he'd look at the hair growing on my chin and chest, hear my deep voice, and still refer to me as "ma". After the umpteenth time of this I had to remind him. Well, lets just say, my usual "I'm a dude with a vag" shpiel is a bit of a mind fuck for people who aren't in the know. I understand that. After all, we all grow up hearing and believing so many untruths about gender. Hell, I hardly know what it is any more. I'm a patient dude. I can wait for you to have your epiphany and realize that actually there isn't a lot about gender that's set in stone or genetically predetermined. I do draw the line at pretending though. If you're turned on by this here trans boy and we're going to fuck, you'd better face up to what you're desiring. Bumpy couldn't, or rather, he wouldn't. Goodbye Bumpy!

Fucking Like There's No Tomorrow

I was recently approached by a friend to write for one of those political-social justicey type blogs. For days I pondered over what to write. I searched the depths of my various identities. Pooled together my recent experiences of life-fucked-up-ness. Many frustrating attempts later I resigned myself to the reality of my writing interests. I have no energy to delve into the many reasons life is much more complicated for us trans folks or us queers or us people of color. These days my mind is on other things. Like fucking and the many reasons life is much more complicated for us trans men who like to fuck bio-men. It's weird how this may in some ways be the focus of my life currently: sex. I spent many years afraid of what my body liked and desired. Shying away from any encounter that sexualized me (in the ways that I'd like). Now I seek out those encounters, almost relentlessly. My fellow TQ contributor says the appeal in the hook-up scene lies in the adventurousness of it all. Sure adventure is nice. Me? I just like to fuck. I like the pleasure of it. The anticipation leading up the moment when you first lay eyes on your fuck du jour. When your eyes take all of him in, compare the real thing to the photo that made everything kinda pretty or at least appealing enough to get you off your behind and board a train and a bus or head out to the middle of nowhere. Yes, the lure of the perfect fuck is what keeps me hitting those sites again and again. The disappointment of a bad fuck is merely collateral damage, because when you do find a great lay, it's like being reborn into a gentler, calmer you. A you that's able to breath and exhale unimpeded again. I like to refer to this particular moment as the post-fuck haze. I never allow myself to feel slutty for fucking or wanting to fuck as often as I can. Even saying, writing the word "fuck" is liberating. It represents the stark difference between where I was, the frigid fearful place I was anchored in for years, and where I stand now- able to look at my pussy and like it, able to drive pleasure from my engorged clit and boast about it, where before I might have felt shame. Able to say and get turned on by words like "cock", "cum", "wet", "horny".

How do you write about these things, people, in a social justice-y type blog like the one my friend approached me about? How do I show the empowerment that comes about from sleeping around? How do I also show the pain and befuddlement it also offers? The many nights of logging onto sites and waiting for a bite and nothing comes, because the ideas of a "guy with a pussy" is just too "kinky" for some. The many attempts at putting feelers out there, wanting someone to grab hold of something and give it a gentle tug. Having to explain over and over and over to gay men who haven't even so much as heard the word "trans" before that I have a pussy not a cock, that the only cock I do have comes with my strap and it's an impressive 9x5 inches, that when I'm fucking you with said strap you would hardly know the difference.

I'll admit the hook up scene can be a painful, lonely place for a trans man. When I first started exploring the scene, it certainly wasn't all milk and cookies. Like that night when I couldn't host, and me and that dude traipsed all over downtown trying to find a motel to fuck in. The last place we tried was the men's bath-house that barred me entry because I had "F" on my license. I was so eager to bust a nut by the end of that evening, so ready for shit that never even went down. Luckily, not long after, my roommate and I brokered a deal and my hosting situation changed. I celebrated by having a weeklong fuckfest. That was a damn good week.

So what else can I write about but these stories? So much needs to be said about trans guys fucking. I haven't even unpacked the many conversations I had with the men I have had sex with. Why they like the idea of a guy with a pussy. How many of them refuse to accept their complicated sexualities or sexual appetites. Now that's a good topic to explore in another journal entry...

motels...

I had been messaging with this guy for a bit and we decided to make it happen. He'd been with a trans guy before. We met at a bar near his place. My type, more attractive than I had expected based on the pics. Cute, brown skin, latino, medium build, beard. We chat some, or more so he talks non stop and he buys me a drink. He says so you wanna do this. I’m game.

So we leave the bar and he calls a cab, he says his place is a mess and he doesn’t want to go there tonite that he has another place to go. Cabbing it somewhere with a hookup is not something I normally do, but the vibe felt safe though I was definitely nervous. We chatted during the cab ride, ok guy. We pull up at a cheap motel in some random part of town. He pays for the cab. I’m still feeling a little nervous but decide to go with it. He pays for a room. Of course, the guy at the counter asks me to show ID (i look pretty young...).

We go up to the room, its your typical cheap pay by the hour motel room, everything is that slightly dirty color of beige, along with a flashing neon sign outside the window.

he kisses me, I unbutton his pants and begin sucking him off, he smokes while i suck his dick which i actually find really hot, we strip, this is when I realize he is less my type without clothes on, a total bear (no offense to bears just not my thing usually), but at this point, whatever, he sucks me off, grabs a condom and fucks me for a long time in a couple different positions, he’s a pretty good fuck, big guy which I like…

Afterwards we lie in bed and chat some about our lives, backgrounds, etc. He starts kissing me again, I feel him getting hard, I suck him off some more, he grabs another condom and we fuck again. Afterwards I tell him i need to get going so we head out.

He’s a total daddy type, insists on paying for my cab ride home, wants to see me again…… I have a taste for daddy types every once in a while.