Thursday, December 30, 2010

Fucking Straight Guys

Sexuality is a many varied thing. Trans dudes know a thing or two about this. Hell, queer folks definitely know something about this. We've spent many precious moments trying to fit one thing or the other. Eventually some of us realize that who and what we desire is either much simpler or more complex than what dominant culture pushes on us. Hooking up has showed me the many erroneous assumptions I held about nontrans men and their sexualities.

I remember during the early days of my sexual journey, I played with Donald (not his real name), an IBM consultant who'd never met or been with a trans guy before, but was exceedingly curious and titillated by the idea. We connected at Applebees of all places, over beers - blue moons actually. At first glance, he appeared to be one of those company exec types. Suit and tie. Properly pressed slacks with the straight lines running down the front legs. I wasn't sure what to expect as we walked back to his hotel, a stone's throw from the restaurant. The conversation was kind of stilted. The usual "what do you do?" "oh really? how do you like it?" blah blah. He inserted his key card into the slot and I walked into his luxurious hotel room. The plush couch. Meticulously made bed. "Paint by the number" adorning the walls. I took note of it all and hoped our fucking would sully the room at least a little bit. The room was a little too pure and neat for my tastes.

I sat on one of the chairs by the dining table. Yes, the room had a dining area. He sat across from me and smiled. It was a relaxed smile and I realized he'd been nervous. "So tell me when you first knew?" he asked. Finally, we could start being human with each other. The conversation took on a familiar trajectory from there. I did the trans 101 convo I usually do in my every day life. He asked questions I'd answered a number of times. Somehow, though, he didn't make me feel like a freak.

After he'd exhausted his long list of questions I finally got to ask mine. "So, why trans men? What's appealing to you?" And the crypt door swung open. I'm pretty used to blowing people's minds, especially when they learn I'm a trans guy who likes to fuck other guys. However, Donald's story was far more fascinating. From the swingers' parties he frequented with his wife, to the sex parties he "curated" at his home, it all was the most intriguing thing in the world to a sex neophyte like me. There were also the exploits with men, bears mostly, because Donald really liked to get fucked in the ass by men who looked like they could kick the shit out of him. He also had a thing for trans women. I'd expected your run-of-the-mill company exec, complete with pre-packaged heterosexual tendencies (with slight twists and turns here and there - he was about to hook up with a trans boy after all), and instead I got...what? Was he queer? Pan-sexual? How did he see himself? "Straight. I prefer women, but I'm open to exploring new experiences." Straight. Okay. Self-determination. I get it. You choose your tags. But what would you call yourself if we didn't live in queer-phobic society?

Donald's story, as I came to find out, was by no means unique. There was Robert, who, while surfing the porn web one night happened upon trans guys going down on each other and got really turned on by it. From then on he couldn't get enough, preferring to top with trans guys and bottom with nontrans men. "The terms straight or gay don't apply," Robert explains, "I'm drawn to masculinity in whatever form it happens to take and that's that." Yurie, on the other hand, identifies as straight, even though he likes to be rough handled and fucked by dudes. "It only happens once in a while...not enough to make me anything but straight." All these different expressions of sexuality, some covert, others overt, forced me to re-examine my ideas on nontrans men and desire. I realized that there were certain types of men I expected to possess a more complicated sexuality - men who are gender nonconforming, i.e. who obviously don't conform to society's idea of manhood. And there were other men I expected to be more, well, "vanilla" in their sexual tastes. Men like Donald or Yurie, who do the "straight man" performance to a T.

What's particularly interesting to me is how a lot of these dudes say they're straight. In fact, my best friend laughs at me about this, but I poll every guy I fuck about their sexuality. Is identifying as straight a byproduct of internalized homophobia and transphobia? If we didn't live in a homophobic society, would they identify as anything other than straight? Or is it just that sexuality is beyond gay, bi or straight, and is more like gender, where there is an infinite range of possibilities? Who knows, in the meantime I just like fucking dudes, even the "straight" ones.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

“Do I have a gut?” – Quick Fucks and Body Image

As a person raised female, who lived a good amount of years as a queer woman of color, I internalized the oppressive beliefs that our society promotes about beauty and sexuality, about what types of bodies are deemed sexy and attractive - bodies that are most always young, thin, tall, white, and without visible disability. I feel and know this in my body even now that I am not a woman and have not been for sometime now.

As a woman I had worked hard to unlearn and let go of society’s messages about beauty, of course it never really fully goes away, but I had come to see the beauty and hotness in women of color’s bodies amongst all the immense variety and difference.

For gay men, there is a similar dynamic about what’s hot and sexy. Click on any of the hook up sites, open up any gay mag, the pages are filled with young guys, muscular, toned and smooth. I don’t know how many times I’ve been lounging in bed after a hook up with a perfectly attractive sexy guy only to have him put down his body – I need to go to the gym more… I didn’t use to have this gut… My response is always the same, “I like your body, your hot, don’t be silly babe..” And for gay men of color there are all the complicated ways that racism intertwines from the ways we are deemed attractive because we are exotic or unattractive because we are not white, but that’s a discussion for another piece….

Jumping full force into the hook up scene I of course knew about the stereotypical gay boy vision of beauty, but I was unprepared for how it would play out in my mind, body and crotch. All of a sudden I was back in a place that I had not been for a very long time, I found myself hyper aware of my weight and my body shape. I rationalized it to myself that being naked in front of people on a pretty frequent basis is going to lead to some awareness of what I look like naked, but really that’s BS. I found myself wanting that stereotypical gay male hotness – I was going to the gym a lot more, watching what I eat a lot more, what I wear. As a trans guy i felt it even more so, from this place of thinking that I’m already trans, thus unattractive to many guys, so I need to look as stereotypically attractive as I possibly can.

On the flipside, while I am attracted to a wide variety of guys, its enough to say that it’s a wide range of shapes, sizes, races, age… I found myself, too often placing that problematic judgement of hotness on who I chose to pursue. Clearly, this is hooking up, this is not dating, this is not a relationship, its about sex and fucking and getting off, its about physical attraction from the get, but I hate the ways that this can play into all the messed up beliefs society has about bodies and beauty.

I believe, as does my co-blogger, that there is hotness and beauty in the full diversity of gay men of color (trans or non trans) and trans and gender queer people of color. And because attraction and sexuality are so diverse, there will always be people who find us sexy regardless of what society promotes.

However, while I would like to say I’m over it all both in how I see myself and how I see others, I am still learning how to live this belief in the gay boy world of quick fucks, anonymous hook ups, and online play.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Joy of Topping

He tells me to go gently, that it's been a while since he's bottomed. I ask him how it feels and he answers with a sharp intake of breath. The image of me sliding in and out of him is almost too much.

The way it started off was hot. No pretenses. We barely said two words to each other as I entered his apartment. He'd been waiting for me and it was late and we were horny. I got into his bed, wearing just my boxers and a tank. He climbed on top of me and I felt his hard on. Immediately, he kissed my neck, sending delicious shivers down my spine. "Is this alright?" he asked, looking into my eyes, his lips barely inches from mine, and I nodded. There were brief yet teasing kisses on my lips. He pulled on my bottom lip with his teeth, and kissed his way from my chin to my chest. "You kept me waiting for so long," he whispered right before taking my right nipple into his mouth, sucking and biting. I may have attempted to say something then. My lips may have moved and something unintelligible uttered.
All that is inconsequential because the very next moment he looked up from my chest, asking "did you bring it?" I smiled. Hurriedly, he removed my boxers and ran his tongue around my engorged clit. I buckled and gasped. "Can you put it on?" he asked as he got up. He slowly took off his pajama pants and I watched the emergence of his smooth round ass. The slowness may have been for my benefit. He got back on the bed on all fours and I stared at his ass some more. I put on the strap, condom-ed and lubed my cock. Getting behind him, I pushed on his upper back so his chest was flat on the bed and his ass at just the right angle. I ran my hands over his ass and grabbed a handful as I slowly pushed into him. His first moan was followed by a "fuck". I stopped and watched his ass cheeks push back against my cock. That was my cue.

Much later, after I'd made us switch positions and situated him on top of me, he came. Loudly. Looking up, I caught him staring down at me. "You prefer topping, don't you?" he asked. "With you I do." I said and a sly smile lifted the corners of his mouth.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

beautiful boy

This guy had been hitting me up on ManHunt for some time now. We had been messaging back and forth periodically. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to hook up with him. He is not my type physically based on his pictures but sometimes, at least for me, physical attraction and sexual attraction don’t always equate. There is also something interesting about him in a punk, alternative kind of way... And he has been with trans guys before which is always a good thing. Saturday he started messaging me on MH. Pretty hot messages. He is a total dom and sometimes I’m in the mood to be a total sub…

Sunday night rolls around and he says come over he has about an hour or two to host. His texts are not requests but orders which I find pretty hot. So I hop on my bike and I’m there quickly. He comes to the door and he really is not my type at all but I decide to go with it. He’s nice and in person less of a dom which is what it is. We get into his place and he immediately starts kissing me, we make the way to his couch and both strip, he’s hard and I suck him off some, then we fuck for a while, its good, not great, but good.

Afterwards, I’m sprawled out on my back on his couch, still entirely naked my arms behind my head, recovering a little.

He looks down at me and says slowly with a smile “You really are a beautiful boy”.

Love it.

I've been on testosterone for a long time but I have not had any surgery top or bottom. I didn't end up hooking up with this guy again, but I always remember him saying that. of course i don't think we should rely on other people in order to affirm and love our bodies, but as trans and genderqueer people of color the message the outside world sends us is almost always negative, so when the outside world sends something affirming amidst all the complications of race, gender and sex - its nice to take note of.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

My Boyfriend Hates My Genitalia

I dated this nontrans guy for several months. We met online and were really only meant to fuck a couple times and call it a night. Him: white doctor's kid from Oklahoma. I was his first almost everything. First black person he'd dated. First trans man he'd fucked. First leftist he'd engaged with on the daily. To say the relationship was froth with problems and misalignment would be a gross understatement. Our first fight was over whether or not racism still existed. Before hooking up with him, I'd totally forgotten how race, gender and class privilege can totally distort your idea of reality. I kept asking him what the hell a rich white kid from Oklahoma could know about the black experience in America.

Perhaps the most stymying thing of all was his dislike, no, aversion for my genitalia. We first met as he, newly out of the closet, was embarking on his then new life as a gay man. I was about to go back on hormones but felt unsure if the life of a gay trans man was in the cards for me. We met somewhere at the beginning of these new journeys and, granted, this wasn't exactly the ideal circumstance under which to build anything of consequence. The first night I went to his place, I was bugging out over whether or not I passed enough. As he cooked dinner and talked about his love for all things masculine, he kept sneaking peeks at my chest. This was before my work-out obsession, so the pecs were more tit-like.

After dinner, he jumped me on his couch. I felt awkward, like I was going through the motions and he was doing what was expected of him. That's when I noticed I was angling my crotch away from his. I didn't want the reality of my body to dawn on him. I wanted to keep the illusion going as long as possible. Yeah, he knew about me being trans. And yeah, I knew about his preference for cock. But somehow here we were, trying out something that neither of us knew shit about.

This moment marked our relationship. Every time we fucked and he touched my clit, oftentimes half-heartedly, I knew. Every time he'd rather I sucked his cock than do anything else, I felt it. Every time he gave some reason we couldn't have sex, it was obvious. He wanted nothing to do with my pussy. He was turned on by the physical changes brought on by T. The muscles. The deepening voice. "I'm a gay man," was his stock answer whenever I asked him why he didn't like touching me down there. "So am I," I'd respond. Is that all sexual orientation is about? Whether you prefer cock to pussy or the other way around? This question nagged at me throughout our time together. I wanted to respect his coming out process and his identity as a gay man. But what did this identity have to do with my genitalia?

Thankfully, I gained some perspective (too much) later and ended it. But I still think about this question of genitalia and sexual orientation. Through my experiences I've learned that for some gay nontrans men, my pussy is kinda like "trying a new dish" and for others it's no mans land - they may get turned on by the rest of me, but can't quite reconcile themselves to the juxtaposition of a masculine body and a vagina.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

he came after 2 strokes....

So my co blogger and i committed to write about the good and the bad. Luckily I haven’t had a really bad hook up yet (knock on wood), no one has made me do anything I don’t want or been really fucked up to me, just some not so good ones so here is one of them.

So I was in major need of a hookup, but didn’t feel like going far and none of my local regulars were responding so when this guy hit me up who was very close by I decided to go for it. He was good looking in his pic, not hot, but not unattractive. So I decided to give it a go. I was a little under the influence at this point, which I know is not the safest choice, but sometimes for me can be very hot while hooking up.

So he meets me outside, he’s not unattractive but not as attractive as his pic, and not really my kind of attractive, older guy probably in his 40’s, light brown skin, latino, small. We go up to his place, its kind of a mess… I have a thing about places being at least somewhat clean and tidy. I don't care if you live in a closet or a fancy apt but dirty messy places bother me....

he wants to chat, seems lonely. Chats for a while, asking lots of questions which I’m ok with I realize he clearly did not get the trans thing as I had to explain it to him even though I already had via messaging, but he’s a nice guy, not creepy, he asks lots more questions about my transition but they are polite and respectful, like when I started, if I’m getting surgery and then asked if I’m happy with it. I’m ok with talking about my transition with my hookups as long as they are cool about it. At this point we've been talking for a while, i'm feeling inpatient and I wonder if I should just go and he doesn't want to do this.

However, finally we start hooking up, we are lying on his bed and he pulls out his cock, I suck him off for a bit, I ask if he wants to fuck, he says yes so I slide a condom over his cock. He lies back and I guide him inside me. He cums after two strokes…. He says he always cums fast the first time, but then he can’t get it up again…. This is not what I need so I jerk myself off while he plays with my nipples, at least I get off….

In the moment it wasn’t so bad, but afterwards I felt bad about it, messy apt, guy I’m not really attracted to who didn’t get the trans thing at first, who seems really lonely and who cums after two strokes, its depressing…. I decide I need to be more discerning about my hook ups….

Friday, December 17, 2010

roof top screw

So I have a thing for roof tops. Hooked up with my regular who I’m always
questioning if I should hook up with again. I’ve written about him before. Latino bear daddy type. Its just I have a thing for daddy types sometimes… so we arranged to meet at his place, he said he had a family thing to go to beforehand but I was like no worries I can hang at the bar if you’re running late. Got to the bar and he texted that he was gonna be late and that I could meet him at his family thing if I wanted (oh yeah forgot to mention the reason I’m always questioning this guy is he is a bit much, he wants way more than a hook up… borders on obsessive... however he is a really good fuck). I said no I would hang at the bar. Waited for a very long time…. Annoyed and about to leave but then he showed up.

His family was home when we got to his apartment, which is awkward, so we went up to his roof top. This made the wait worth it. It’s a nice summer night. We drink some wine. He kisses me and plays with my nipples through my shirt, very hot. I unbutton his pants and kneel down in front of him. I take his cock into my mouth, he is already hard, I suck him off while he plays with my nipples through my shirt. He unbuttons my pants and fingers my clit. He puts his shirt on the ground and lays me down on top of it and pulls off my pants, i slip a condom over his dick, he drops his pants to his ankles and he pushes into me. The ground is way too uncomfortable so I stop him and get up. At this point he kicks off his pants and picks me up in his arms, i wrap my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist and he slides into me, fucks me standing – love it. Love that he is so big and strong and can fuck me like that. We fuck like that for a while. Then he carries me over to a bench that they have on the roof and I ride him for a while, i look up at the stars as we fuck. Shit so hot. I ride him til we both cum. I put my pants back on and we drink some more wine. We head back downstairs to his apartment.

We get to his room and he lays me on the bed and we start kissing and grinding. We strip again and he sucks me off and then starts tongueing my ass. He’s hard again and he turns me over and asks if he can fuck me there. This is not something I normally do but I’m in the mood (I’m also a little sore in front from previous hookups…). I say yeah but to go slow, he slips on a condom and rubs the tip of his cock against my asshole, until i'm wanting it, grinding back on him, then he slowly pushes in, fucking me slow at first then fast and hard until I can’t take it any more. I tell him to switch condoms and he fucks my pussy for what seems like forever until we both cum. I lie on top of him exhausted.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, I wake up and the sun is starting to come up, I don’t like to spend the night at my hookups, just a thing I have, however I’m still here… he's spooning me and i feel his cock against my ass, he’s hard, we grind for a while then I tell him to get a condom and he pushes inside me, fucks me slow and hard, I rub my clit as we fuck, he keeps fucking me then pulls out, takes of the condom and shoots all over my back.

I clean up and tell him i have to go, he offers to make breakfast, to call me a cab, all which i decline. i kiss him goodbye as i leave. The sun has just come up as i'm walking home, love early mornings especially after i've been fucked...

The Craigslist Hook Up

One of the least enjoyable aspects of the anonymous sex scene is what I refer to as the "setting up" stage. The moment when you're horny as all hell and you've exhausted the million different ways to fuck yourself with your favorite dildo and you're way overdue for someone else to be wielding a cock in your general direction. So you hop onto one of the sites - craigslist, adam4adam, manhunt, etc. Some sites are more effective than others. I've tried all three of these with varying success.

Craigslist is a "you gotta work for it" kinda site. First there's the ad development phase. You have to decide how you want to describe your "trans-ness". Using terms like FTM, Trans Man, Trans Boy, has to be a deliberate choice, because each term draws a particular type of "gent". If you describe yourself as "FTM", you're more likely to draw a guy, for whom attraction for trans men has been tried, tested, and proven to be true. He can actually say "female to male" without tripping over words and looking seriously confused. This is my favorite kind of CL hook up because the sex is usually hot. If you describe yourself as a "Trans Boy", then expect the "daddy" types to hit you up. For some reason, the term "Trans Man" draws a lot more guys who are actually looking for trans women. Go figure.

Once the ad has been placed and the responses start trickling or rolling in, then the real work begins. Some men aren't scared to air their shit - they'll send cock pics right away, want to meet that day, and eagerly list all the many dirty things they'd like to do to you. Others are shy and hesitant. They're usually living a totally straight (and narrow) life with a girlfriend or wife, so every once in a while they gotta get a little kink in their life and that's where you come in. I generally steer clear of these guys, because, well...there's just too much potential for drama. Then there are the fools who, even after you've been clear about what being a trans guy means in your ad, you've emailed back and forth about this, they've seen your pictures (face and torso), they know about the facial hair, somehow after all this they're expecting (hoping and praying for) you to look more like a butch woman. I can tell you from experience, very rarely does meeting up with a guy like this result in sex (or even good sex). Once in a while, yes, a dude surprises the hell out of you and you walk away all glowing and shit, but most of the time, it results in nothing or nothing to write home about. You may have to wade through tons of responses from CL, a lot of them icky, and really only find one guy that you'd disrobe for, which is quite common, as well as time consuming! So, yeah, the CL hook up usually requires a lot of work.

he asked - when did you get your dick removed...

Met up with one of my regulars last night. He’s one I’m always questioning if I want to do again. And last nite kind of sucked... I got home in the early morn and was feeling like I needed something more. So I got on my sites to see what I could make happen. Made plans with a guy i had been chatting with for a bit for later that night. In the process got hit up by this guy who is in biking distance (I’m a real sucker for anything local) it was clear it was gonna be a quick thing he only had an hour and a half so i thought why not? So I hop on my bike and head over. Young looking guy says he’s 30 but looks ways younger, cute, latino, smooth, thin. I get there, its clearly a family home, kids toys around, etc.

he takes me to his room and the first thing i notice is the bunk bed.

he says that his little brother, who is six, shares his room. We chat for literally a minute and he pulls out his cock. I suck him off some, he asks me if i like his cock. we both strip, I slip a condom over him, he lies me down on the bottom bunk (fucking hilarious) pushes in side me and fucks me hard missionary style, he comes real fast, shoots inside me though which always turns me on.

Afterwards as I’m putting my clothes back on he asks when I had the surgery, I say what do you mean, he says yuh know when did you get your dick removed…. In my head I’m thinking what the fuck, but I just say patiently, cuz he doesn't say it in a shady way, I was born like this, i was born female and now i'm a guy. He just nods and say oh still looking a little confused. I finish getting dressed, we thank each other and I head out the door….

Manhunt and Adam4Adam

so my co blogger and i were talking about how we don't include in our posts the process of arranging the hook up so i thought i'd share what i do. this is just what i feel comfortable with, everyone has there own way, no judgement intended, much respect and luv for whatever folks do to arrange to fuck : ).

so to start i used adam4adam and manhunt alot. i've used craigslist in the past and gotten some good results, but i'm a bit lazy and craigslist is sometimes more work then a4a and mh. my profile on those sites explicitly says that i'm a trans guy however no one reads the profiles... i have a public pic up that show's some skin (no breasts or genitals though - i've heard mh and a4a will take it down if you do that, but i also know some transguys who have gotten away with it), its a torso shot, i've gotten much better results with that then when i had a clothed pic up. i don't publicly post a face pic.  again just my thing i know lots of transguys who post face pics. 

i very rarely hit up guys, i usually wait for them to hit me up, in hopes that they at least glanced at the profile, i'm all about efficiency and feel like if they're hitting me up its more likely to work out then the other way around - not into wasting time... and clearly not all of the guys on these sites are into trans guys. UPDATE - recently i have started approaching guys more.  basically A4A and MH both let you see who has looked at your profile.  so now if someone has looked at my profile and i find them interesting sometimes i message them before they message me.  i have gotten some good results doing this but have yet to close the deal....

when a guy hits me up the first thing i say to him is that i'm a trans guy and i explicitly explain what that means, that i was born female but now am a guy, that for me it means i'm on hormones and pass as a guy but i have not had any surgery, and i spell that out for them, i say that means i still have breasts and a pussy (i know that some trans guys don't use that term to refer to their genitals and i fully respect and get that, but i use it and i am totally ok with it).

in my experience either there is no response or the guys will be like yeah i'm into it/interested. expect a good amount of non response - that's the reality of the hook up scene especially for us trans and genderqueer folks. i have a friend, another trans guy who also likes to play, he gets down sometimes about the non response, but i believe you can't take that shit personally.

then there's some back and forth and negotiation - how much largely depends on the guy, my mood, his mood and sometimes just the time of day...

the majority of time i have to do some amount of trans 101, i'm ok with doing that, i know other folks are not - again its a personal choice.

almost always i say what i like to do and what i don't. i like to do that negotiation beforehand and not in the heat of the moment. and the online negotiation of that can be pretty hot sometimes... 

i'm gonna probably keep adding to this post so check back sometimes.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tranny Chaser

He was a short man. Well, short by conventional standards. Mostly bald, with tiny blond hairs sprouting out of his shiny dome. He walked like a body builder, arms sticking, chests puffed out, and strutted into my living room like a peacock. Before he came over, I had only seen his face and didn't quite expect him to meet me at eye level. He wasn't bad looking and had that working class vibe about him. I didn't exactly have high hopes for our coupling either, because, well, he wasn't exactly my type. He sat down on the sofa and looked at me almost greedily. He'd been so eager to meet and I'll admit feeling flattered by his enthusiasm. So flattered, in fact, that I broke one of my cardinal rules and actually spoke with him over the phone multiple times. He had a thing for trans guys and couldn't understand why fucking one turned him on so. We talked in my living room and sized each other up. The whole time I'm thinking that I'm about to fuck Tony Soprano, because he had the New Jersey accent and that way about him. Stature not withstanding, he almost seemed like the big Italian gangster type. The type that knows how to throw his weight around and frighten the hell out of people who cross him. This is what gymrat (as I later came to refer to him due to his penchant for working out) seemed like. His muscles bulged through his t-shirt and, for that reason, I was anxious to see him sans clothing.

I kept asking myself, as he shared tidbits of information about his life, why someone like this would be into trans guys. It's a question I ask myself every time I fuck a nontrans guy society has type-casted into roles not linked with queer or trans subcultures. Then I feel fucked up for being surprised that even someone who sounds like Tony Soprano and looks like the guy that'd be setting up my cable, would have some measure of queerness going for him. It also never fails to surprise me when guys like gymrat, who desperately want to fuck trans men, say they're straight, which is what I hear from 60% of the nontrans men I've slept with. "I'm straight with a little kink" or "I'm straight. I like women, but once in a while I want the best of both worlds." I hear this a lot. Sometimes I push them to elaborate. What is the best of both worlds? One guy referred to my possessing both an enlarged clit (almost like a penis, but a smaller version) and a vagina. Most guys, however, meant having a pussy and passing for a guy. This got me thinking about whether or not this constitutes a particular sexual orientation that hasn't yet been catalogued and labeled. What do we call bio-men who have a thing for trans men? "Tranny chaser", some would say. And there is a lot of validity to this characterization. Some of the dudes I've fucked are fetishist for all things trans, but are all bio-dudes who are sexually attracted to trans people fetishists? Are they tranny chasers? Where do we draw the line?

Gymrat switched seats and planted himself next to me. His eyes practically twinkled as he leaned in. "Is this all right?" he asked, eagerly, and I was once again hypnotized by how much he wanted me. Yet I still had the 1st hook-up jitters, so I wasn't as turned on as I wanted to be. He must have noticed this, or he just wanted an excuse to touch me, so he offered to massage my back. I'm a sucker for a good back rub, so I relented. His small calloused hands trailed down my back and I felt the beginnings of a spark. Immediately, I relocated us to my bedroom because I wanted to be shirtless as he touched me. I wanted to be prone on my stomach, with him hovering over me, looking at my bare back. When I took my shirt off, he asked if I worked out. I nodded. He licked his lips and told me to lie down. The rubbing began in earnest. The silence that enveloped us at that moment was pregnant with the anticipation you feel right before something really good or really terrible happens. It was a dubious silence, punctuated every once in a while by his tender comments about my muscles or my skin. Rubbing eventually led to soft kisses down my back. The anticipation subsided and my body softened. That's when I arched into him and he ground his crotch into my ass. The rest, as they usually say, was...

Friday, December 10, 2010

unsafe sex

So I hooked up with one of my regulars tonite, I don’t like to write about my regulars too much, but it was very hot, there is a category of regulars I like where I just feel very comfortable, no surprises, just good fucking. Basically I hadn’t fucked anyone in over two weeks due to travel and illness so I was majorly in need…. Now I’m home and I’m surfing the web. Not looking to play anymore tonite, just looking around…

So my co blogger and I are strong believers in Safer Sex. Though I will admit that there are times that I’ve been unsafe…

the time the condom slipped, my regular or two who I let fuck me without a condom, that I never use a condom for oral sex.... I say this because I think its important to be real and honest, while I would like to say that I practice safer sex 100% of the time, that’s not my reality.

I value my life and my health and I love and respect all my hiv positive family, most of the time I won’t fuck without a condom, at the same time I think its important to be real and I believe shame has never improved anyone’s health or life.

I believe in being safe, I believe in harm reduction, I believe in getting tested regularly, I believe no one should make you do something you don’t want to do, nor should you do something cuz you feel like no one else will want to fuck you, trans people are beautiful and sexy and there are lots of people who want to fuck us – this I know without a doubt.

Yet its complicated, when i let my regular fuck me without a condom, why do i do it? Sometimes shit happens, sometimes our beliefs and our actions don't align and i could lie and say that i'm always safe but I guess i'm looking for a sexual reality that's real - which at least for me means a little messy....

That said here is a really good resource about safer sex and ftm’s best one I’ve found. be safe : )

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Beaded Penis

He'd had beads inserted into his penis. When he showed it to me later, I was struck by the ordinariness of it. His penis was short and stump with these tiny sperical objects sticking out at odd intervals. Immediately, I could tell why he needed to adorn his dick with jewelry. Obviously he wanted something more than it could offer. "It enhances the sensation" he said with a smile and I smiled back, more out of politeness than anything. The color of his dick was pretty though. Reddish brown. Slightly darker than the rest of him. It brought to mind ovaltine and for that reason I wanted to taste it. I decided to call him "bumpy" and no, the beads didn't enhance a thing. Bumpy was alright in the sack, though "doggy-style" was certainly his piece de resistance.

Let me say a thing or two about doggy-style. One: rarely do I say "doggy-style" out loud without dissolving into a fit of giggles. It's just such a silly name and belies the seriousness of the act. Two: In my former life, I hated this position. It just seemed too vulnerable of a state to be in. Getting down on all fours, and allowing someone else to see all into your asscrack. My middle-class demure upbringing just wouldn't let me get into it! This was of course back when I set way too many boundaries around my sexuality, or rather when I allowed social norms to dictate how and when I should fuck. Well, here I am years later and I have to say "doggy" or "down on all fours" has become one of my faves. Not only does it make it easier for my g-spot to be stimulated, it also is just erotic as hell when a guy hangs onto my waist or my ass for leverage and pounds my ass. There's something so primal about the position which also adds to the appeal of it. And whatever Bumpy lacked in dick girth, he certainly made up in motion. Yeah, there may be a thing or two to that "motion in the ocean" adage.

Bumpy and I rendezvous-ed twice, which is my limit with most men I sleep with. I rarely ever cross over into thrice or we may as well be dating. I don't do "regular fucks". I figure if I've reached that level with a dude, then there had better be more than just fucking going on. In other words, I tend to get attached. It's the way I'm made up. Anyway, Bumpy and I did our thing twice and the 2nd time was even hotter. He hosted this time and his roommate, the ex-girlfriend (or so I was told), was out doing god knows what. He invited me into his giant soft bed and proceeded to lick the hell out of my pussy. That-is-what-I-am-talking-about. I may have said that out loud, in between bellows of "yes" and "god" and "I'm gonna cum". Yeah, it was good that 2nd time.

And there would have been a 3rd time if he hadn't gone and freaked out over the trans bit. By fuck session number 2 I'd started experiencing all the usual changes trans dudes experience. I don't know who he thought he was screwing. He must have blocked out the "I'm a trans dude" portion of our introduction. For some reason he'd look at the hair growing on my chin and chest, hear my deep voice, and still refer to me as "ma". After the umpteenth time of this I had to remind him. Well, lets just say, my usual "I'm a dude with a vag" shpiel is a bit of a mind fuck for people who aren't in the know. I understand that. After all, we all grow up hearing and believing so many untruths about gender. Hell, I hardly know what it is any more. I'm a patient dude. I can wait for you to have your epiphany and realize that actually there isn't a lot about gender that's set in stone or genetically predetermined. I do draw the line at pretending though. If you're turned on by this here trans boy and we're going to fuck, you'd better face up to what you're desiring. Bumpy couldn't, or rather, he wouldn't. Goodbye Bumpy!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Fucking Like There's No Tomorrow

I was recently approached by a friend to write for one of those political-social justicey type blogs. For days I pondered over what to write. I searched the depths of my various identities. Pooled together my recent experiences of life-fucked-up-ness. Many frustrating attempts later I resigned myself to the reality of my writing interests. I have no energy to delve into the many reasons life is much more complicated for us trans folks or us queers or us people of color. These days my mind is on other things. Like fucking and the many reasons life is much more complicated for us trans men who like to fuck bio-men. It's weird how this may in some ways be the focus of my life currently: sex. I spent many years afraid of what my body liked and desired. Shying away from any encounter that sexualized me (in the ways that I'd like). Now I seek out those encounters, almost relentlessly. My fellow TQ contributor says the appeal in the hook-up scene lies in the adventurousness of it all. Sure adventure is nice. Me? I just like to fuck. I like the pleasure of it. The anticipation leading up the moment when you first lay eyes on your fuck du jour. When your eyes take all of him in, compare the real thing to the photo that made everything kinda pretty or at least appealing enough to get you off your behind and board a train and a bus or head out to the middle of nowhere. Yes, the lure of the perfect fuck is what keeps me hitting those sites again and again. The disappointment of a bad fuck is merely collateral damage, because when you do find a great lay, it's like being reborn into a gentler, calmer you. A you that's able to breath and exhale unimpeded again. I like to refer to this particular moment as the post-fuck haze. I never allow myself to feel slutty for fucking or wanting to fuck as often as I can. Even saying, writing the word "fuck" is liberating. It represents the stark difference between where I was, the frigid fearful place I was anchored in for years, and where I stand now- able to look at my pussy and like it, able to drive pleasure from my engorged clit and boast about it, where before I might have felt shame. Able to say and get turned on by words like "cock", "cum", "wet", "horny".

How do you write about these things, people, in a social justice-y type blog like the one my friend approached me about? How do I show the empowerment that comes about from sleeping around? How do I also show the pain and befuddlement it also offers? The many nights of logging onto sites and waiting for a bite and nothing comes, because the ideas of a "guy with a pussy" is just too "kinky" for some. The many attempts at putting feelers out there, wanting someone to grab hold of something and give it a gentle tug. Having to explain over and over and over to gay men who haven't even so much as heard the word "trans" before that I have a pussy not a cock, that the only cock I do have comes with my strap and it's an impressive 9x5 inches, that when I'm fucking you with said strap you would hardly know the difference.

I'll admit the hook up scene can be a painful, lonely place for a trans man. When I first started exploring the scene, it certainly wasn't all milk and cookies. Like that night when I couldn't host, and me and that dude traipsed all over downtown trying to find a motel to fuck in. The last place we tried was the men's bath-house that barred me entry because I had "F" on my license. I was so eager to bust a nut by the end of that evening, so ready for shit that never even went down. Luckily, not long after, my roommate and I brokered a deal and my hosting situation changed. I celebrated by having a weeklong fuckfest. That was a damn good week.

So what else can I write about but these stories? So much needs to be said about trans guys fucking. I haven't even unpacked the many conversations I had with the men I have had sex with. Why they like the idea of a guy with a pussy. How many of them refuse to accept their complicated sexualities or sexual appetites. Now that's a good topic to explore in another journal entry...

Monday, December 6, 2010


I had been messaging with this guy for a bit and we decided to make it happen. He'd been with a trans guy before. We met at a bar near his place. My type, more attractive than I had expected based on the pics. Cute, brown skin, latino, medium build, beard. We chat some, or more so he talks non stop and he buys me a drink. He says so you wanna do this. I’m game.

So we leave the bar and he calls a cab, he says his place is a mess and he doesn’t want to go there tonite that he has another place to go. Cabbing it somewhere with a hookup is not something I normally do, but the vibe felt safe though I was definitely nervous. We chatted during the cab ride, ok guy. We pull up at a cheap motel in some random part of town. He pays for the cab. I’m still feeling a little nervous but decide to go with it. He pays for a room. Of course, the guy at the counter asks me to show ID (i look pretty young...).

We go up to the room, its your typical cheap pay by the hour motel room, everything is that slightly dirty color of beige, along with a flashing neon sign outside the window.

he kisses me, I unbutton his pants and begin sucking him off, he smokes while i suck his dick which i actually find really hot, we strip, this is when I realize he is less my type without clothes on, a total bear (no offense to bears just not my thing usually), but at this point, whatever, he sucks me off, grabs a condom and fucks me for a long time in a couple different positions, he’s a pretty good fuck, big guy which I like…

Afterwards we lie in bed and chat some about our lives, backgrounds, etc. He starts kissing me again, I feel him getting hard, I suck him off some more, he grabs another condom and we fuck again. Afterwards I tell him i need to get going so we head out.

He’s a total daddy type, insists on paying for my cab ride home, wants to see me again…… I have a taste for daddy types every once in a while.

worthwhile trek

So I decide to hook up with this guy even though it’s a major trek to get to his place. He offers to pick me up at the bus stop. I’m not into getting in cars with new hook ups but he seems ok and I google mapped his address so I would know where I was.... that sounds really nerdy but it made me feel safer.

He picks me up, he is way hotter in person, beautiful actually, toned, brown skin, long hair – glad I made the trek. We chat a little in the short car ride. We get to his place and he takes me into his room. We sit down across from each other, awkward silence, then he just gets up and kisses me.

We kiss for a bit, he is a really good kisser, then strip, I ask if he wants me to leave my top on (no top surgery) he says no. I suck him off a bit, grab a condom and we start fucking. He is really good and we fuck for a long time, he likes to fuck missionary style which is my favorite position actually, then he cums inside me – which I luv.

We laze around a bit, chatting some, he runs his fingers up and down my back – nice…. I feel him getting hard again so we fuck some more, this time I notice the mirror by his bed and we both watch as he fucks me doggy style, then i raise up on my knees so that he is still fucking me from behind, we both watch as we fuck each other, i've gotta say we look incredibly sexy and hot... i drop back down on my hands and knees and fuck him til he shoots.

totally worth the trek

Sunday, December 5, 2010

hasidic DL

This guy was textin me the previous eve – hot texts about how he’s gonna suck me off and fuck me hard so I hopped on my bike and headed over. I walked over to the spot in the heart of the Hasidic neighborhood.

Called him and he tried to direct me to the right door – he wouldn’t just come out to meet me...took about ten minutes for me to find the right door, all the while with him giving me directions and refusing to come out.

Finally got inside and it was a real family home, kids toys all over the place, he’s a tall Hasidic guy, not bad looking, he offers me water then takes me down to the basement which is some kind of work studio littered with random shit. He apologizes saying the other place he had planned to take me was much nicer with a bed and shower we could have used.

He kisses me, he’s a bad kisser, we strip and kiss and he picks me up, which I’m into, i wrap my legs around his waist and we kiss and grind. he lies down on the basement floor and I suck him off.

then I put a condom over his dick, at which point he says, 'this condom is for black people', in my head i simultaneously laugh and think 'racist fuck', at this point though whatever, i'm not here to help him unlearn his racism.

he turns me on my back and we fuck, he fucks me hard, but he cums really fast, afterwards I jerk myself off with him inside me - pretty hot.

We get dressed and he tells me he’s been with trans women and had a trans girl friend but i'm his first trans guy. He says he has a few places that he uses to do this all over the neighborhood. I collect my shit, we go back up stairs, he goes to use the bathroom and tells me that if anyone comes in I should tell them I’m here for his business.

He offers to drive me to my bike, I decline so we leave the apt, he heads left and I head right as if we’ve never met. Later, he texts me to say I’m amazing…

Tall, dark, n' lovely.

He fucked me hard and deep. 6 feet 5. Locks down his back, formed into pretty long braids that he kept having to flip out of his face as he bent over me and entered me gently. He hadn't had pussy in 3 years and some change. The ideas of a guy with a vag confused and turned him on simultaneously. That's the reason he hit me up on adam4adam. That and the picture where I'm flexing my arms - one of my best features, by the way. He flipped my legs up in the air. Placed my feet on his chest. I could feel his heart hammering away. His big dick plunged into me and I gasped. He was gentle at first. "You're so tight," he whispered as he withdrew and entered faster this time. I closed my eyes and moaned. God he could fuck. God he was big. And I could no longer stop the sounds spewing out of my mouth. This is why I love Black men - the connection formed as skin comes upon skin.

"Hold onto my arms like that, baby boi. I got you," he said as he plunged in deeper. I grabbed his shoulders, now thinly layered by a film of sweat. It was almost too much. A sweet, delicious pain. I dared to look down to where the action was happening. "You see that dick?" he grunted as he fucked me faster. I did. I got wetter at the sight if his dick going in and out of me. This 6 foot 5 giant now cradling my ass with a gentleness challenged only by the ferocity with which he pounded my pussy. His eyes boring into mine. My mouth agape. Sounds I could barely recognize as mine escaping them. I thought, as he leaned down to wrap his tongue around mine, I am never fucking white men again.