Saturday, September 21, 2013

laughter and fucking

i've been in a bit of a funk lately.  dating woes....  being in a funk meant i wasn't really feeling like doing hookups.  so i went a good two weeks without being fucked.

this week i was in a better place and feeling frisky leading to three encounters.  what was funny about all three is that during all three we laughed as we fucked.  the kind of laughter that happens when you are just having fun and feeling good.

it was very late on a monday nite.  well late for me and i had just gotten off the phone with my best friend.  i was feeling horny so logged onto the sites.  pretty quickly some dude hit me up.  i did my usual routine and he said 'i know we have met before'.  now i don't remember this guys profile at all, but he sends me a pic and looks kind of familiar but i am still not placing him.  however it doesn't really matter right, so i tell him to come over.  he texts me that he is outside my apartment and i open the door to let him in.    i see a tall, sexy, dark brown skinned dude leaning against the wall.  hot.  and now i remember him and that he is a good fuck.  i let him in.  we both strip and get right to it.  he has a tight muscular body and we kiss and grind as we fuck.  its very hot.  he is big but not uncomfortably so which is perfect.  his cock is pushing into me, his hips pumping between my legs, our smooth chests pressed closely together, we kiss and both kind of grin and laugh as we fuck cuz we are both really feeling it.  i push him onto his back so i can ride him.  i take him slow, riding the full length of him, tightening on each stroke, he moans as we fuck, i can feel the head of his cock hitting just the right spot inside me.  we fuck faster and he says he is going to cum, he groans and pushes harder into me as he cums his cock pulsates inside me.  hotness.  i lie on top of him catching my breath.  we look at each other and smile and laugh.  i slide him out of me.  we both clean up and he heads out the door.

a day later i am feeling frisky again.  i've been chatting with this dude who lives literally 3 houses away from me.  now for folks who follow this blog you know i have a major weakness for anything close by.  3 houses away is something i will almost never turn down.  dude is ok looking in his pics.  sends me lots of hot messages.  never done a trans guy.   we had talked about meeting up however i am home later than expected and he wants to reschedule.  i however really want to fuck.   i send him a text saying i just got home and i'm horny.  he responds 'yeah?'.  i say 'yeah, i really wanna get fucked, and i'm wet as hell'.  he say 'oh god so hot'.  i say 'want me to cum over'.  he say 'yeah'.  perfect.  so i grab my supplies and walk 3 houses down my block.  he is ok looking in person.  we strip and get right to it.  he is an average size.  we kiss and he strokes his cock as we make out.  he is hard.  i bend down and blow him for a bit.  i grab a condom and slide it on him.  he kneels between my legs and pushes inside me.  he is fucking me but its a bit awkward.  he says 'i've never done this before'.  its always weird when dudes say that to me, i don't really get what's so different...  anyways, i tell him to let me be on top.  i climb onto him and guide him inside me.  we both moan as his cock slides in.  i ride him taking my time.  he is moaning as we fuck.  i ride him faster and he says he is getting close.  he cums hard shooting inside me and he cries out as he cums.  his hips jerking.  when he is done he opens his eyes and we look at each other smile and chuckle.  i roll off of him and we chat a bit as i get dressed then i head home.

the next day i have a date.  so this is a different context.  2nd date and i know going in that unless the vibe is really off i want us to fuck.  i invite him back to my place after a drink and we chat for a while on my couch.  i am pondering making a move when he leans in and kisses me.  perfect.  we make out some then i lead him to my bedroom.  without going into detail we fuck and its hot and fun and as we fuck we grin and laugh cuz its sexy and hot and we like each other.

Monday, September 2, 2013

barebacking, trust and emotions

I wrote this piece a while ago, but just had not published it yet.  I am actually in a space now where i always use condoms for fucking.  I am dating now, casual and open, but it makes me think differently about the risks i take. I also am still doing hook ups but less so.  However, this piece is still very real to me and very much a part of who i am.

I also have been thinking about Brandon Lacy Campos, who passed earlier this year, as this is his birthday weekend, his honesty and need for us to be real with each other about sex and safer sex was rooted in love for our community and an understanding that it is the only way we can survive.


this is another piece about unsafe, risky sex.  somewhat of a continuation of a previous post 'transfag barebacking'.  that said once again i am not at all advocating fucking without protection.  though i again feel the need to be real about my experiences doing so.

i had reached a point in my hook ups where i felt i was pretty in control of how i fuck, meaning i wasn't randomly giving into a desire to fuck raw.  i had reached a point where i acknowledged the desire.  I very rarely fucked raw and only with regulars who i've know for a while, have some trust for and have discussed std/sti status, testing status and safer sex practices ahead of time.  i would make a decision about fucking raw before i was in someones bed.  again very very rarely.  however even this i know is not safe and is risky.  (and to be honest there was one exception to this - a total alcohol induced fuck up)

however i recently ended up in an unhappy health situation.  Found out i had an STD, curable, which was clearly a result of these decisions i made.  i was talking to my best friend about it all, he's another ftm of the queer variety, and i was saying that I was going to stick to condoms at all times now, no exceptions.  he said, 'i think that's a good idea and its not like it feels different to you to fuck with a condom or without', meaning yeah for the dude who's fucking my pussy i assume it feels a hell of alot different, but for me as the person getting fucked, its questionable, my best friend has had his own experiences with barebacking so has first hand knowledge and is not judgemental in his statements.

at the time i said, 'yeah ur right'.  but then i was thinking about it and i know for me at least sometimes it's no different condom or no condom, but other times, at least for me, the raw fuck on a purely physical level is very very different.

what i've started to reflect on though is while this desire to fuck flesh to flesh is about a physical and sexual desire that i have, there is clearly also an emotional level to it.

there is this dropping of boundaries when it comes to fucking raw.  i was thinking about how with one dude who i've known for a year, nice guy, interesting, laid back musician, i really like him as a person and we hook up quite often every week sometimes, after the first time we fucked raw there was this new openness to our post fuck chat, a new level of connection.

this blog tells tales of fucking, of anonymous, i don't even know your name fucking.  these encounters are most often purely physical, while there may be some chat you both (or all) know that this is just about sucking some cock (trans or non trans), feeling each others bodies, kissing (most of the time) and fucking the hell out of each other.  sometimes it can become a fuck buddy situation, but even then we are not going to the movies together or hanging out with each other's friends, while we may like each other as people - in the end its about fucking. 

yet if i'm honest with myself i can't deny an emotional element to it with some of my repeats.  the regulars i fucked raw are all good guys, at good places in their lives, nice people who i have known for in some cases over a year.  we had conversations ahead of time about testing, std/hiv status, and safer sex practices, but a level of trust is inherent in that conversation.

i realize what it comes down to is that i want to live in a world where we can trust each other as fuck buds as people who are dating as partners.  I want that world to exist.  yet i know that we do not live in that world.

when i think back on the times i've slid onto a cock raw sometimes i wanted a raw fuck and thats it, but sometimes, as problematic as it is, i wanted to feel the connection that comes with two people agreeing to trust each other enough to live with the risk.