finger fucking

I really liked fingering her.

It was the way she'd grab me and squeeze, her wetness coating my finger as I stroked. I loved the way her body would buckle when my finger curled inside her, rubbing a spot that'd make her moan and scream. She came faster and more often than any one I'd ever fucked. The first time we made out, we were chilling on my sofa, sexual tension in the air so thick. I could tell she wanted me to make the move and I'm usually the trepidatious one when it comes to first moves.
"Can I kiss you?" I finally asked.
"Don't you mean may I?" Yes, yes, she'd been giving me sexy snarkiness all night. Her brand of flirtatiousness I guess.

She was all tongue when we kissed and I loved it. The longer we kissed the more turned on I got, like I was falling into some lust-ridden ocean. Have you ever experienced that? A lust that just deepens and deepens till it feels way bigger than you and the other person (or persons) creating it? Before I knew it her tank was down to her waist. Her hands were up my A-shirt. We were twisting our bodies to fit in that couch, not noticing how uncomfortably cramped it was because we just wanted to get closer and closer.

My hand crept up her bare thigh to her wet panties and I played on the outside of her, enjoying the feel of her moisture soaked underwear and her pussy beneath. She felt hot under there and I wanted to slip my finger through the fabric and into her. Instead I held back and slowly circled her hard clit, which I could feel. She sighed into my mouth, her tongue working mine more vigorously, her hand around my neck, craning to bring me closer to her if that was even possible given how physically wrapped around each other we already were. Eventually she stood up, took my arm and dragged-pulled me into my dimly lit bedroom. She was not shy, this one. She pushed me onto my bed, straddled me and slowly took off her tank and sports bra. I tried to sit up because I really wanted to lick and suck her nipples, but she held me down and roughly pulled off my a-shirt. Then she placed both hands on my chest, moved her skirt out of the way and ground her hot and wet panty-ed crotch on mine. She moved like she knew what the fuck she was doing. My hands wrapped around her round ass and squeezed, grinding her hard, internally cursing the shorts and boxers barrier between our bare pussies. I wanted to feel her but I wanted her to decide when. Eventually she grabbed my shoulders and did this hot flip over thing and then I was on top and she pulled my head down to her chest. I hungrily lapped and sucked and encircled with my tongue, alternating between nipples.

At first I was gentle, but her sighs and moans and groans got me hungrier so I bit hard on a nipple.
She emitted a "yes..." while her legs curled underneath me. I spread them, moved her panties to one side with my fingers and my god she was so fucking wet.

"You're so fucking wet," I said into her breast where my mouth was still planted, kissing and licking while my middle finger parted her pussy and plunged into her quickly, making her buckle and twist and utter unintelligibles. I wanted her bad. This wasn't going to be no slow n' gentle finger fucking. As I fucked her I licked and bit my way from her breasts up her neck to her open mouth and her tongue was ready. I sucked that too. She reciprocated with mine. Our mouths clasped and wouldn't let go. Down below, my middle finger was curling and uncurling, gently twisting, roughly going in and out. Our mouths unclasped.

"Oh god...," she muttered
"You like that?"
"Yes...god." I slipped in another finger which made for an even tighter fit.
"You like me fucking your pussy?" I was whispering into her ear and she must have liked that because I felt more wetness on my fingers and hand.
"Yes...oh god...don't stop. I'm gonna..." Her body did the buckling and winding thing beneath me. Her hands around me tightly. Suddenly I wanted to see my what my fingers were doing. I wanted to see her pussy swallow them in. So I moved down her stomach, kissing and licking on my way down and the sight that awaited me was just...

I wanted to fuck her deeper. Normally my strap-on cock would have made an appearance, but she just felt so damn good on my fingers. I lifted and bent one of her legs 90 degrees style, which opened her more and I slipped in deeper. The way her pussy would grab me was heaven. The wetness, the sounds as I slipped in and out, all of this just drove me wild.
"I could fuck you all night," and I meant it. Just as I said that she tightened around me. I didn't think she could get any tighter and I felt her orgasm start building, so I moved faster. Feeling every surface of her, curling and flicking my fingers inside her. She got really loud as she came and her body arched off the bed and damn what a beautiful sight. When she came down from that, she pulled me to her and held me in a tight embrace.

A few minutes later, I still lay on top of her. We kissed softly and gently, over and over and over. No tongue. Just wet lips clasping and unclasping, making loud suction sounds, hmm-ing from time to time. Then her hands wrapped around my shoulder, the kisses grew more urgent, her legs parted and my hand started sliding down...

Caramel: My "Blue Balls" Story

We were supposed to have coffee, but opted for beers instead. It was a crowded bar and I wanted privacy; I had some questions to ask. Questions about the mechanics of what we were maybe going to do if this first "meeting" went well. See, I think it's important to clarify just how you're going to fuck before the actual event takes place. This is crucial.

Homeboy and I, after we were seated, started talking about the trivial shit we could care less about. He's a student, math major. Okay, that's kinda hot. As a proud, card-carrying nerd, I'm quite into fucking other nerds. Eventually, I just blurted out "so what do you think?" His hazel colored eyes traveled down my face, lingered for a second on my beard, moved down to my chest. "You're a dude" He looked at me then like I was supposed to feel complimented by his assessment.
"I know this. I mean, what are you into sexually?"
"Not dudes," he said and took another swig of his corona.
I grinned then. I don't know why, but there are certain nontrans guys I just love fucking with. The type who'll flirt yet still insist that I'm a girl. The type who'll message me incessantly, anxiously wanting to meet, yet when they encounter the realness of me, and the reality of their attraction to masculine bodies, will throw up some front. Alright. I decided to play along.
"Cool," I responded noncommittally, "then we're just 2 dudes having a beer." That's when he started sharing his "women troubles" with me. Women just don't get him. He was married for 10 years and she did him dirty. He's really into trans women, but responded to my ad out of curiosity.

"Tell me," he segued, "how can you be living as a guy and still be attracted to dudes?"
"I like dick," I responded, making sure to over-enunciate the K. My lightweight ass was beginning to feel the effects of the beer and I'm raunchy as hell when buzzed. "Do you like to perform oral?" he asked without missing a beat. Obviously, the beer was working on him too. "Do you?" I asked back. "Very much so. I'd like to see you without your clothes." I asked him if he was more interested in proving or disproving something else about my gender. "Maybe, but I also just want to see you." He flashed the same seductive smile he'd sported in his pic. The same pic where he'd been shirtless, a doo rag on, and his smooth, caramel-toned torso inspiring thoughts of the X-rated variety.

"Are you into rough stuff?" he continued. The negotiation had started and I was trying my damnest not to let my excitement show; negotiating sex acts is one of my favorite types of conversation. I wanted him to clarify what he meant by "rough". "I'm an aggressive top," he added with a sly grin. Oh yeah, I'm familiar with the type. For nontrans men it may mean they have to make the first move. They have to flip you around, contort you into various positions. They may talk dirty in your ear, pinning you down as they plunge into you. In other words, power - expressing it - turns them on. (I know this may sound scary to some, but power play during sex can be hot. You just have to talk honestly about what you will and won't do.) I'm not into pain and I mentioned this to him. Neither was he.

"You realize that you'll be doing all of this with a dude, right?" I reminded him, after we'd spent a few more minutes listing a few other activities we wanted to try together. He shook his head. "I can't see you that way while we're doing this." What the fuck?! "I see a dude in front of me now, but when we're fucking, in my head you'll be a..." He trailed off then and I knew what he was afraid to say. Shit. That caramel hue, smooth skin, and "fuck me" smile really had me wanting things to go down. But could I do it with a dude who refuses to see me for who and what I am?

I tried to tune out the rest of his rambling and quickly finished my beer. Snatches of his monologue, like "I can host" and "my place isn't far", inadvertently caught my attention. I had to get the hell out of there before my libido continued making decisions for me. I caught the waiter's attention and asked for the bill. "You're ready to go?" He asked. "Yeah, I'm going home, but this has been...nice." He looked surprised then. I said I couldn't sleep with someone who pretended I was someone else. I got up to go and he asked if I was sure about wanting to leave. I looked at him and, god, the lookist in me wanted to sit my ass back down. But I just couldn't let myself go there, so with that I wished him a good night and left.

fucking racists - racial fetishes and hookups

I've been hesitant to publish this piece, but here goes, we said we'd be honest and real in this blog.

I hooked up with this guy from A4A. White guy, 40's, cute in a nerdy kind of way, he was way cuter in his pics then in person (that's been happening to me more frequently lately).

We are having some pre-fuck chat when he starts talking about how he's only into "ethnic guys", white guys just don't do it for him, he needs "some shade to the skin". Great. I steer him away from that subject cuz I don't want to hear it, I just want to fuck, whatever little exotic brown boy fantasy you have going, have it in your head. We went onto fuck and he was actually incredible, like really fucking amazing in bed.

However, I was thinking about this incident afterwards. Outside of the hook up scene i've met my fair share of dudes with racial fetishes, i try to avoid them and usually have nothing to do with them as they tend to make my skin crawl - yet here i am on my knees in front of one of these same guys with his dick in my mouth. I can't help but laugh at myself as i write this.

I mean, sometimes i think about this and think is this because i have a lack of self respect? Is it because i am letting my hornyness get the better of me?

Racism just seems like par for the course with online hook ups. I've had my fair share of rejections when guys find out the color of my skin. The ads that say no blacks or asians or 'latins' or some combination of those are all over the sites. I recognize this as racist bullshit and i don't (well mostly) let it impact me.

I know who I am and I am strong and confident in my identity as a person of color. What do I care that some guy who i am about to fuck and may never see again has an "ethnic fetish". As long as he does not refer to me in racist ways, never had a guy call me his little brown boy, etc., it does not impact me.

Even as I write this, I feel hypocritical. In my daily life i believe in calling out oppression and know that saying, "well it doesn't bother me" doesn't mean its not racist and shouldn't be called out. I know that in the grand scheme of things I should care, i should at least let him know he's racist and not let him continue to live on with his prejudice, in the grand scheme of things at that point I should have some self respect, grab my shit and bounce.

But I don't.

As a person of color I live racism, i've studied it, I written about it, I've givens speeches on it, I've protested it, its not like i don't get it. I have devoted my life to movements for economic and racial justice this is what i live and breath.

Yet as contradictory as it is I don't have a problem with fucking this guy.

Sometimes i just want to get fucked, i want a nice or not so nice depending on my mood guy to kiss me, touch my body and make me cum. Then i want to grab my shit and walk out the door - no strings attached.

the only moment when i even start to feel bad is when i think about how other people would view me, what others would think of me.

Is it disempowering for me to fuck some racial fetish guy - my co blogger thinks so and probably alot of other folks out there, even i do sometimes. But the thing is I don't feel disempowered - the exact opposite in fact - i don't care about this guy - i know what i want and i am getting it.

i don't even know how to end this piece, to be honest i play around with this particular guy every now and then cuz he is such a hot fuck, however i feel like maybe i shouldn't...

Mr. Thick

So I was supposed to meet up with one of my favs, a regular, but he is very flaky, I put up with it cuz I really like him, so of course around 7pm he texts me to say that an emergency came up and he probably can’t do it. In the mean time I’ve received three texts one from a new fav, one from a new potential that I’ve been trying to schedule, and another from a recent hook up that I’ve been trying to do again cuz he is unbelievably thick.

So I debate, do i do the new hookup which could suck or Mr Thick who I know will be good (not gonna hook up with the new fav as I just hooked up with him yesterday). I go with my third text – Mr Thick.

So I’ve hooked up with this guy before, I call him Mr. Thick because he is unbelievably thick. OK looking guy, Italian, short but very built, clearly used to be very muscular now more stocky, only thing is he’s very hairy, which is not so much my thing. However, as I said before he is very, very thick.

He lives alone, very fancy apartment in a very fancy apartment building, the first time we hooked up he fucked me three, maybe four times. Very hot. So its around 9pm and I head over. Get to his place and we exchange how are you’s and then get to fucking. He’s a good kisser, we kiss for a while and he plays with my nipples through my shirt which always gets me hard. We strip down and kiss and grind some more. I start sucking him off, he is very big and hard, so its difficult for me, i mean to give you an idea of his size imagine a soda can - he is at least that thick maybe more - and a good length as well.

then he puts me on my back, I ask him if he has condoms, he grabs one and slips it over his dick. I grab my lube and lather us both up. He starts to push inside me, I ask him to go slow at first, which he does, it hurts due to his size but in a good way.

He fucks me for a while, stroking me missionary style slowly letting my cunt get used to his cock, until i want more and start to fuck him back slamming my cunt against his cock, then he starts to fuck me hard flipping me onto my hands and knees and fucking me from behind pounding me - quick hard strokes that seem to go on forever. He stops to catch his breath and i push him onto his back, i slide back onto his cock and ride him slowly just enjoying the feeling then faster until i can't take it anymore and i feel myself starting to cum, but he keeps pushing into me stroking his hips up into my cunt as i clutch his chest and cum hard. then he pushes me onto my back, throws my legs over his shoulders and fucks me hard and fast until he shoots into me.

Afterwards as we’re sprawled across his bed he starts stroking his cock again, based on last time I figure we are gonna fuck some more, so I help him out and suck him off some, its takes him sometime to get hard again which I don’t care about, i ask him to put on a condom and we fuck again for a bit, but he can’t stay hard. This is when it starts to be less hot. I would say for the next hour he trys to get hard again but can’t stay hard, we try to fuck again but he can’t keep it up – I of course get fleeting thoughts of is it me…. But I know enough to squelch that ridiculousness...

I keep saying that its cool, we don’t have to fuck again, once is cool, etc. especially cuz it really was the first fuck was incredibly hot and I’m very good. however he is determined….. so an hour later, I’m a little sexually frustrated, really I don’t care if we don’t fuck again, really, but him jerking off, even unsuccessfully has me going again. Anyways, he apologizes profusely and I keep saying not to worry about it. I ask him if he minds if I jerk off, he kisses me and strokes my nipples while I jerk off.

Then I rinse off, grab my shit and head out the door. He keeps apologizing. I feel bad for him so I send him a text thanking him again and saying not to worry about it. Of course he doesn’t text back and I never hear from him again.... non trans guys can be so ridiculous about their dicks.

he was scared, petrified even

I got home from work after a really long day and sat down with a glass of wine to just chill. I wasn't planning to go on any hook ups, I was just surfing the sites to see what I could arrange for future dates, but then I got hit up by this very hot guy, a model, who also lived really close by (again my local hook up thing...) We chatted for a while online. At least an hour.

He’s only been with non trans boys before and wants to try fucking a pussy, said he's been fantasizing about it. He said it needs to be real discreet because his friends would make fun of him..... I said well you get that i'm a guy right, I look like a guy, he said yeah, that his friends however are asses sometimes.

He wanted me to come over in an hour which was way past my bedtime, but he convinced me so I hopped on my bike around 2am (I love biking late at night), I was there in five minutes. He was very hot in that stereotypical gay boy kind of way – big, muscular and toned, brown skin, tattoo across his chest.

This big, incredibly hot, muscular guy who could easily literally pick me up and toss me out the door if he wanted was scared. Petrified is probably a better word.

He kept chatting about random things, couldn't really look at me, he kept saying how nervous he was. It was actually very cute. I kept reassuring him that there was nothing to be nervous about.

I had to lead him to his bed - he lay back on it. He already had his shirt off. I sucked his nipples some. I asked him if he wanted me to take off my shirt (no top surgery) he said yeah. So I stripped and then pulled off his shorts and boxers. He was not hard yet so I sucked him off for a while, my lips stroking his cock, i felt him growing hard down my throat. He moaned. I stopped, slipped a condom over his cock and guided him into me slowly, he was not that big or thick i just wanted to enjoy the look on his face as he entered me - his eyes wide open watching me.

I rode him for a few minutes, slowly, loving his look of pleasure, and he told me he was gonna cum, after a few more strokes he shot into me. It was quick but hot.

Afterwards as I was getting dressed he thanked me and said it was "different" with this kind of confused expression on his face. I smiled because the way he said it was very cute - like he just didn't know what to think about what just happened. Then i hopped on my bike and was home in five. It all took less than an hour.

I texted him thanks and he texted back "Thanks bro, have a good nite."

my first time

I had seen his ad on Craigslist something along the lines of bio guy looking for an ftm. I had just started exploring the world of anonymous play with non trans guys, but had yet to actually do a hookup. I had been surfing the net a lot – reading mystery fag and transfag blogs which are hot if you have not read them check them out. I also had read the safer sex for trans guys guide a ridiculous amount of times. Nerd that i am i had done my homework.

I had posted on Craigslist and gotten a lot of response, a few interesting, a few creepy, and a lot in between. I was on Manhunt and Adam4Adam but in a very tentative kind of way which for me looked like a clothed pic and blurry face pics and a profile that didn’t say much. I had chatted with some guys, but I had yet to set something up.

His ad said he’d been with trans guys before so I decided to message him. He responded right away and we exchanged pics. He was cute, late 20’s or so, black guy, skinny. We chatted for a while exchanging a lot of emails. So he said when you want to meet. I was pretty nervous about it all, but there really wasn’t anymore to say via email, I put it off for a bit, but then decided to just go for it and we set a date.

That night I put on a cute outfit, made sure I was bound up (i used to worry that because i have not had top surgery it would turns guys off but that has not been an issue so far), trying to look as 'guy' like as possible, I headed out. I was nervous but excited.

When I was a few blocks from his place I texted him, he said he would meet me outside. I got to his place. He looks different than I expected, extra skinny, very gay, not my kind of hot, but not unattractive, he just got off work so has on a button up and slacks. I say stupid nervous stuff as we head up to his apartment. He takes me to his room which is incredibly neat. We sit on his bed and chat about random stuff. Then he says you are way cuter than your pictures. I just smile.

He leans in and kisses me. We kiss for a while, he is a really good kisser. He's very confident which i like, he unbuttons my shirt and pulls of my top and binder and unbuttons my pants, I pull them off and help him with his. I’ve been pussy fucked before, but never with a live cock. I’m nervous.

As a result, I don’t remember a whole lot about the fucking except that it was good and not long but not short and that there were some hot moments. I also let him fuck me in the ass which was incredibly painful and a little messy which I felt embarrassed about but he didn’t care. The ass fucking wasn’t particularly enjoyable and I know that at the time I did it because I felt I needed to in order to fuck gay boys.

After we fucked, we chatted more about our lives, he kept saying how hot i was, how sexy I am, how he’s sure I can get any guy I want. It was a definite ego boost. As I’m getting up to go he asks if I want to see him again, he says be honest, I’m not sure but say yes.

Heading home, I stop at a coffee shop to use the bathroom and clean up. I don’t know yet to just ask to use the bathroom and rinse off before I leave a hookup. My ass is sore, I feel like I smell like sex, I clearly need a shower. To be honest while I would like to say I was totally happy and excited, I remember mostly feeling glad that I hadn’t been killed, robbed or made to do things I didn’t want – basically I remember feeling sticky, sore and relieved that I had finally done it.

I got home, showered, and made some food. Once I was feeling a little more together I remember smiling to myself – I felt good in my body – good that I had overcome my fear and nervousness, good that I had taken control of my sexuality in a way I had not before, good to be desired and considered hot and sexy, just good in all off my little transboy gayness.

my army guy - about an orgasm

I had hooked up with this guy before, for a while he was one of my regulars, gay, white, working class, used to be in the army, in his 40’s, big tall guy, I wanna say more than 6 feet, 200 something lbs, big and strong, a bears build but with incredibly smooth skin. He has a stunningly beautiful face, just striking, like when he was younger he was one of those shirtless boys on the cover of gay mags, however he looks and dresses like the guy next door mowing his lawn on weekends - Bermuda style shorts, short sleeve button up that stretches over his belly, flip flops.

He’s also a real sweetie. I love big burly ultra masculine guys who are sweethearts.

He sent me a text earlier in the week where he said he wanted to tell me something but didn’t know how to say it in a respectful way (I’m his first trans guy) to which I said just say it no worries. So he said in his entire lifetime he’s only had sex with two women before me or something to that effect… I can feel everyone cringing as you read this, however like I said he’s a total sweet heart and I know he respects my gender, I can tell he’s just struggling with words. So I just say well you know I’m a guy… he said yeah, of course, so I say each trans guy is different but for me you can say I’m only the third pussy you’ve ever fucked unless that’s too crude for you... Then he actually repeats it back to me via text – third pussy I’ve fucked. Totally made me smile. Very teachable.

Anyways onto the fucking cuz that's what this piece is really about.

So I get to his place and he starts kissing me as soon as i walk through the door. I can feel his hard on through his shorts, I'm very turned on. However, he wants to take a shower before we fuck so I decide to join him. His shower is real old school where there is just a shower head and drain in the floor of the bathroom – no stall or tub. This set up makes it extra hot, I’ve never been in a bathhouse but its what I imagine one would be like. We play around some, soaping each other up, I suck him off a bit, then this huge guy, kneels down before me on the old white tile floor and sucks me off, I place my hand on his head as he blows me – shower blow jobs – very hot. We dry off and head to his room.

He lies down on the bed and I climb on top of him, i say climb because that's how big he is. We kiss for a long time – he is an incredible kisser. He flips me over and sucks my nipples then tongues my clit for a while until its too much and I push him off. I put his cock in my mouth, he is already hard as I wrap my lips around his dick, he has a beautiful cock and I go at him for a bit, taking him down my throat, he groans.

He pulls me off and grabs a condom, I lube him up. He lies back and lifts me on top of him, I guide him into me, he's big and thick so i have to go slow at first, just the head until I can take more, he moans as my cunt finally fully encases his cock, I ride him for a while loving the look of pleasure on his face, then he turns me over, fucks me for a while in a couple different position until he lays me on my back puts my legs on his shoulders and as he's stroking says he's gonna cum, I tell him 'cum for me baby' and he starts pounding his full weight into me, until finally he shoots cumming inside me. so hot.

All the while we are fucking he keeps saying how amazing and sexy I am.

We rest for a bit, curled up together, he's a great cuddler. We chat some about our lives, then he starts talking politics, this is when i wish he would stop talking, he's a total conservative. I quickly change the subject - i'm here cuz you're a sweetie and amazing in bed - I don't want to get into your problematic political views.... thankfully, we talk about other random things then he kisses me and i can feel that he's hard again.

He begins fingering my nipples then put his lips around one, sucking until its erect, all the while he's playing with my clit, i moan wanting him badly, he says i just want to make you feel good. i tell him to get a condom and I pull him on top of me. He slowly pushes into me, then begins fucking me missionary style. He fucks me like this for a while and he's stroking me just right... in that way where his cock is filling me up and his body is rubbing my clit just hard enough. I’m glad no one else is home because between the banging of the bed and both of our moans we are being very loud.

He fucks me like this for a long time, our bodies pressed closely together and I can feel that i'm getting close to cumming, i wrap my arms around him, well as far as they'll go, and say into his ear 'don't stop'. he keeps going, stroking me harder and grinding his body against my clit and i'm losing it at this point, i'm raising my hips to meet each stroke, our fucking is frantic, i just keep saying 'don't stop' and he doesn't, as I start to cum his cock plunging deep inside me I hold him even tighter until my body literally explodes, i don't even know what i'm doing as i simultaneously clutch at him and push him away, one of the most incredible orgasms i've ever had.

He’s still fucking me and I can’t take it anymore, i tell him to stop, he stops immediately and looks at me concerned asks if I’m ok, if he hurt me, I shake my head and smile, ‘no man that was amazing’, funny thing about alot of gay boys they have no idea when your cumming. Anyways, he’s still hard, asks if i need to rest, and I do, but i want him to cum too so i shake my head turn around and he fucks me doggy style, its starting to be too much again and i'm about to tell him i can't anymore when he groans and collapses on top of me.

We lie like that for a while, then i move out from under him and put my head on his chest and we just rest.

Then i have to go. As i'm heading out the door I kiss him goodbye and he says please text me so i know you got home safe. I say you're such a sweetie. to which he says, "well we have to look out for each other because no one else will". bad politics and all I can't help but like this guy.

“Do I have a gut?” – Quick Fucks and Body Image

As a person raised female, who lived a good amount of years as a queer woman of color, I internalized the oppressive beliefs that our society promotes about beauty and sexuality, about what types of bodies are deemed sexy and attractive - bodies that are most always young, thin, tall, white, and without visible disability. I feel and know this in my body even now that I am not a woman and have not been for sometime now.

As a woman I had worked hard to unlearn and let go of society’s messages about beauty, of course it never really fully goes away, but I had come to see the beauty and hotness in women of color’s bodies amongst all the immense variety and difference.

For gay men, there is a similar dynamic about what’s hot and sexy. Click on any of the hook up sites, open up any gay mag, the pages are filled with young guys, muscular, toned and smooth. I don’t know how many times I’ve been lounging in bed after a hook up with a perfectly attractive sexy guy only to have him put down his body – I need to go to the gym more… I didn’t use to have this gut… My response is always the same, “I like your body, your hot, don’t be silly babe..” And for gay men of color there are all the complicated ways that racism intertwines from the ways we are deemed attractive because we are exotic or unattractive because we are not white, but that’s a discussion for another piece….

Jumping full force into the hook up scene I of course knew about the stereotypical gay boy vision of beauty, but I was unprepared for how it would play out in my mind, body and crotch. All of a sudden I was back in a place that I had not been for a very long time, I found myself hyper aware of my weight and my body shape. I rationalized it to myself that being naked in front of people on a pretty frequent basis is going to lead to some awareness of what I look like naked, but really that’s BS. I found myself wanting that stereotypical gay male hotness – I was going to the gym a lot more, watching what I eat a lot more, what I wear. As a trans guy i felt it even more so, from this place of thinking that I’m already trans, thus unattractive to many guys, so I need to look as stereotypically attractive as I possibly can.

On the flipside, while I am attracted to a wide variety of guys, its enough to say that it’s a wide range of shapes, sizes, races, age… I found myself, too often placing that problematic judgement of hotness on who I chose to pursue. Clearly, this is hooking up, this is not dating, this is not a relationship, its about sex and fucking and getting off, its about physical attraction from the get, but I hate the ways that this can play into all the messed up beliefs society has about bodies and beauty.

I believe, as does my co-blogger, that there is hotness and beauty in the full diversity of gay men of color (trans or non trans) and trans and gender queer people of color. And because attraction and sexuality are so diverse, there will always be people who find us sexy regardless of what society promotes.

However, while I would like to say I’m over it all both in how I see myself and how I see others, I am still learning how to live this belief in the gay boy world of quick fucks, anonymous hook ups, and online play.

beautiful boy

This guy had been hitting me up on ManHunt for some time now. We had been messaging back and forth periodically. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to hook up with him. He is not my type physically based on his pictures but sometimes, at least for me, physical attraction and sexual attraction don’t always equate. There is also something interesting about him in a punk, alternative kind of way... And he has been with trans guys before which is always a good thing. Saturday he started messaging me on MH. Pretty hot messages. He is a total dom and sometimes I’m in the mood to be a total sub…

Sunday night rolls around and he says come over he has about an hour or two to host. His texts are not requests but orders which I find pretty hot. So I hop on my bike and I’m there quickly. He comes to the door and he really is not my type at all but I decide to go with it. He’s nice and in person less of a dom which is what it is. We get into his place and he immediately starts kissing me, we make the way to his couch and both strip, he’s hard and I suck him off some, then we fuck for a while, its good, not great, but good.

Afterwards, I’m sprawled out on my back on his couch, still entirely naked my arms behind my head, recovering a little.

He looks down at me and says slowly with a smile “You really are a beautiful boy”.

Love it.

I've been on testosterone for a long time but I have not had any surgery top or bottom. I didn't end up hooking up with this guy again, but I always remember him saying that. of course i don't think we should rely on other people in order to affirm and love our bodies, but as trans and genderqueer people of color the message the outside world sends us is almost always negative, so when the outside world sends something affirming amidst all the complications of race, gender and sex - its nice to take note of.

My Boyfriend Hates My Genitalia

I dated this nontrans guy for several months. We met online and were really only meant to fuck a couple times and call it a night. Him: white doctor's kid from Oklahoma. I was his first almost everything. First black person he'd dated. First trans man he'd fucked. First leftist he'd engaged with on the daily. To say the relationship was froth with problems and misalignment would be a gross understatement. Our first fight was over whether or not racism still existed. Before hooking up with him, I'd totally forgotten how race, gender and class privilege can totally distort your idea of reality. I kept asking him what the hell a rich white kid from Oklahoma could know about the black experience in America.

Perhaps the most stymying thing of all was his dislike, no, aversion for my genitalia. We first met as he, newly out of the closet, was embarking on his then new life as a gay man. I was about to go back on hormones but felt unsure if the life of a gay trans man was in the cards for me. We met somewhere at the beginning of these new journeys and, granted, this wasn't exactly the ideal circumstance under which to build anything of consequence. The first night I went to his place, I was bugging out over whether or not I passed enough. As he cooked dinner and talked about his love for all things masculine, he kept sneaking peeks at my chest. This was before my work-out obsession, so the pecs were more tit-like.

After dinner, he jumped me on his couch. I felt awkward, like I was going through the motions and he was doing what was expected of him. That's when I noticed I was angling my crotch away from his. I didn't want the reality of my body to dawn on him. I wanted to keep the illusion going as long as possible. Yeah, he knew about me being trans. And yeah, I knew about his preference for cock. But somehow here we were, trying out something that neither of us knew shit about.

This moment marked our relationship. Every time we fucked and he touched my clit, oftentimes half-heartedly, I knew. Every time he'd rather I sucked his cock than do anything else, I felt it. Every time he gave some reason we couldn't have sex, it was obvious. He wanted nothing to do with my pussy. He was turned on by the physical changes brought on by T. The muscles. The deepening voice. "I'm a gay man," was his stock answer whenever I asked him why he didn't like touching me down there. "So am I," I'd respond. Is that all sexual orientation is about? Whether you prefer cock to pussy or the other way around? This question nagged at me throughout our time together. I wanted to respect his coming out process and his identity as a gay man. But what did this identity have to do with my genitalia?

Thankfully, I gained some perspective (too much) later and ended it. But I still think about this question of genitalia and sexual orientation. Through my experiences I've learned that for some gay nontrans men, my pussy is kinda like "trying a new dish" and for others it's no mans land - they may get turned on by the rest of me, but can't quite reconcile themselves to the juxtaposition of a masculine body and a vagina.