"do i have a gut?" - quick fucks and body image continued

lately i've been hanging out more frequently with a crew of non trans gay guys of color ranging in ages from 20's to 40's all very apolitical not at all in the activist left leaning circles i usually run.  they are generally all good, kind caring guys and i have fun hanging out with them for the most part.

one of the first pieces i wrote for this blog was about body image and hook ups - "do i have a gut".  I've been thinking more about this lately due to this new crew i've been hanging with.  the incredible pressure that gay guys internalize around body image.

every single guy, except for one, in this group of long time friends has had some type of surgery to make his body closer to that stereotypical gay male ideal, in some cases more than one.  i had of course heard about gay guys and plastic surgery but i figured it was a wealthy white gay boy kind of thing.

These guys are not rich at all, they saved up thousands of dollars for these procedures.  from hair plugs (dude was in his 20's when he got them) to butt implants, calf implants, and pec implants to surgeries to lose weight like lap bands and lipo.  

while i have not had any surgeries i know that i am as sucked into the gay male body idealism as anyone else.  and i do believe it has gotten progressively worse.  i find myself more self conscious of my body when fucking then i used to be.  i used to think about how i look while i'm fucking periodically.  now i find its a pretty regular occurrence.  'ugh, it looks like i have a gut right now'...  and then it definitely intersects with my internalized transphobia, thoughts like 'he's probably looking at my hips and thighs'....

its gotten to the point that i've realized in some convoluded way sometimes i would rather not fuck dudes who are toned and cut because it makes me extra self conscious about my own body.

its become pretty clear to me that the sizeism of the gay boy world has brought me back to a place.  like many folks raised as girls for most of my childhood starting as young as seven and into my teen years i saw myself as overweight and unattractive.  please note this is only my experience, every trans guy relates to how they were raised and socialized differently i.e. some trans guys were socialized as boys.

in college however i was exposed to a politic that sought to fight the sexist, racist, sizeist ideals of beauty.  that centered a belief that everyone is beautiful and that what you wear or look like is not what's important but who you are, what you believe and what you do.  for many years i embraced this belief.

when i started hormones i definitely became more conscious of how i dress and look as a means to pass.  and no doubt there is alot of sizeism and body image pressure in the transmasculine world but for some reason it didn't impact me so much i believe largely because my core communities sought to resist this and held strong to a body positive politic.

but now the gay boy hook up world is definitely messing with my head.  i believe strongly everyone should love their body and everyone is sexy in their own way.  but applying that belief to myself has gotten more and more difficult.

holiday fuck

i was out of town visiting fam for the holiday.  i was getting hit up alot on all the sites - a wide variety of cuties.  however, i'm here to spend time with my family who i don't see often and it doesn't feel right to leave them alone while i go fuck some dudes.  i am in town for nearly two weeks though so i figure i'll give myself one day to play.  i decide on this one dude because he is interesting, into bdsm, lots of tats, brown skin, just a little taller than me so not a big guy but very cute.

however he is very, very persistent which is a flag for me, not always but often in my experience overly persistent guys either want more than just a fuck i.e. become stalkerish and/or want to be your husband after the first meet up or are desperate for a fuck for a wide range for reasons....(no judgement, just not my thing) but there is something about this particular guy that intrigues me.

we chat on and off for a few days.  i will be his first trans guy.  even though getting to him will be a trek i decide to go for it over closer options.    the day arrives when we have arranged to meet.  i tell my family i'm meeting a friend and head for the bus.  i'm still feeling unsure and nervous about this hook up.  i know that its largely because i'm not on my home turf so feel off my game.  there is also something about his look that is borderline hot/serial killer...  i mean he is very nice but aren't most serial killers nice at the start?  he offers to pick me up repeatedly which i decline, i always feel safer being able to get to a hookup on my own.  he seems to sense my uncertainty suggesting i take a picture of his home and text it to someone when i get there.  which actually makes me more nervous in some kind of weird way i.e. maybe this means i definitely should be nervous.

however i decide to proceed.  its a long bus ride and the bus stop is a bit of a trek to his place, i stop and pick up some beers on the walk.  i finally get there and his home reassures me, for some reason i was picturing a small house, with an empty yard and one car in the front, i don't know why that says serial killer to me...  but instead its a small home with no real yard, a kayak hanging in the garage, a couple cars in front (turns out he has a roomie), a mountain bike chained to the fence.

he lets me into his place which is neat and clean (a thing i have) and has a really nice view.  he is cuter than his pics in person.  he says his roomie is home but doesn't care.  i tell him i brought some beers to which he says he does not drink.  i immediately feel like an ass, i usually ask guys before i bring beer, so much of our communities are in recovery and all.  i apologize and say i don't need to drink and start to put the beer away.  but he say's no its cool, he has been in recovery for a while and doesn't have cravings anymore and he wants me to be comfortable.  he cracks one open and hands it to me.

i take a few sips.  he says you are so cute and sexy and runs his hands down my back.  i smile and put the beer down.  we start making out and he is a very good kisser.  i pull off his shirt and take off mine.  he has the most incredible six pack i have ever seen.  i lie back on the bed and he lies on top of me kissing and grinding.  he starts to suck my nipples which is always an immediate turn on for me.   i reach down for his belt, undue his jeans and stroke his sizable cock through his briefs.  he's hard.  i push him back and we both strip.  i lie back on his bed buck naked.  he says 'you are so hot' as he looks down at me.

i sit up and take his hard thickness in my mouth.  my tongue sliding up and down his length, my lips wrapped around his head.  he groans.  i go at him for a bit then he stops me and asks if he can give me a massage.  nice.  he turns me onto my back and begins to rub oil down my back, ass, legs, his sizable hands kneading my shoulders and moving down.  then he turns me over and begins kissing my nipples and moves down between my legs.  he licks at my clit with the tip of his tongue.  asks if its ok, i tell him to do it a bit lighter, which he does and it feels fucking amazing.  his tongue slides up and down the length of me repeatedly, slipping in and out of me.  i'm very wet and at this point i want more.

i stop him and ask if he has a condom.  he grabs one out of his dresser and puts it on the bed, but then pushes me back plunging his head between my legs.  i just can't get enough he says as his tongue circles my clit.  finally i really can't take anymore and i push him onto his back, grab the condom and slip it on.  then i mount him, slowly as he is a good size, i slide slowly down his cock until he is deep inside me.  we both moan.  i ride him taking the full length of him then pull him on top of me and he fucks me deep, his hips pounding between my legs our bodies rubbing tightly together my legs entwined with his.  we fuck hard and fast, i grab his ass pushing him deep with each stroke.  then he sits up so he's kneeling and can watch his cock sliding in and out of me.  he reaches over and grabs a vibrator from his dresser and places its tip on my clit as he fucks me.  the thrusting of his cock and the vibrations on my clit are bringing me very close.

then he pulls me over so i'm riding him again.  our bodies are slick with the massage oil.  i ride him slow at first, feeling his thickness, then faster, my clit sliding against him as i ride, until i cum collapsing on top of him.  he is still hard as a rock however, but he pulls out and wraps me in a spoon.   we rest for a bit and i look up and realize i've been there over two hours at this point and i need to go.  he says you have to go huh?  i say yeah, but you haven't even cum.  he says no worries, it was more than hot.

i feel a bit bad but not enough to be late to meet my fam so we both clean up.  he insists on at least driving me part of the way which i accept.  on the way we chat he is a really nice guy but i realize that my initial instincts were somewhat right on.  if i actually lived here i think he would have already had boyfriend visions in his head.  however this was definitely a hot fuck.  he drops me off and we part with a quick kiss.  

quickie

i was out of town visiting family.  i had just finished working out at the local gym.  it was about 7am or so.  i logged onto scruff cuz there is a starbucks next to the gym re:  free wifi.  this dude i had been chatting with hit me up.  i said well i'm just leaving the gym but if your up for a quickie i'm game, where yuh at?  he sent me his address and he was very close by.  i said i can head over now if you like, do you have condoms?  he said no do you?  But don't worry i'm hiv negative.  i said no i don't have one (i was just going to the gym not expecting play....) and safe only.  he says let me look.  his next message says, ok found one.  cool i say.  i'll head over.

he says i want you to come in, get on your knees, suck me off hard and then bend over and let me fuck you from behind with your clothes still on.  then i want to pull out and cum on your asshole.  i say all cool, but you can cum on my back.

i head over, get a bit lost on the way but it really takes less than five minute.  i knock and he lets me in.  his cock is already out and he's stroking it.  its dark in his living room. i say are you the only one home?  he says no.  i take off my hoodie and drape it over a chair.  get on my knees and take his cock into my mouth.  i suck him off good and hard.  to be honest i barely looked at the dude.  i vaguely remember from his profile that he's a cute 20's something bearded type.  after a bit i pull back he's erect but not as hard as i prefer but i'm ready to be fucked.

he picks up a condom, lubes up.  i turn around, drop my gym shorts and briefs down to my knees and bend over his couch.  he pushes into me doggy style.  fucks me hard and fast.  i grunt and moan as i take his cock.  after a bit he pulls out.   strips off the condom and begins jerking off.  i do the same.  stroking my clit as he strokes his dick.  as i feel his cum spurt on my back i begin to cum.  he shoots a huge, huge load all over me.  when we are both done he says don't move.  his cum is dripping all over me, down my back, onto my ass.  he grabs a towel, wipes me up, somewhat.  i pull up my gym shorts his cum making the fabric stick to my legs.  thank him and head out the door.  hop back in the family car and head home for a shower. 

just a good fuck

dude had hit me up on line the day before but i wasn't free.  twink of color.  twinks are usually not my type but he has a huge cock and that's what i happen to be looking for at the moment.  he has never been with a trans guy before.  we arrange to meet up.  he is mad late which is annoying.  he shows up and he is actually not twinkish at all.  big tall corn fed type.  not skinny, not muscular, not big or bearish.  very hot.  very much my type.  he's also incredibly smooth which i'm starting to realize is my preference.

we chat a bit over a beer then get to it.  we kiss our clothes still on. he's a good kisser.  i pull off his shirt and take of mine.  we kiss and grind just feeling each other's bodies.  i kneel down between his legs and unbutton his jeans pulling out his sizable cock.  i put him in my mouth and blow him.  he's big but for some reason i'm able to deep throat him which is very hot.  usually i can only deep throat with smaller guys.

i pull back and take of his jeans.  i strip and lie back on the bed.  he sucks my nipples and plays with my clit. then he spreads my legs and kneels down between them.  i feel his tongue on my clit, stroking it, then i feel his tongue inside me, as he licks the full length of me.  he seems like he could do this for a while but i can only take so much.  i stop him and push him onto his back.

i blow him a bit but he's fully hard and clearly ready.  i grab a condom (magnum xl) slip it on him, lube him up and put his tip to my hole.  i take it slow as he is big.  easing him into me until i can take the full length then i ride him.  as i ride him he moans and say my name.  hot.

so this was a very long session - it lasted 2 and half hours thus i can only give highlights.

he is kneeling between my legs, stroking me slow and steady, i can feel an orgasm building, nothing is touching my clit, the size of his cock and the angle of his fuck are making me cum.  he keeps stroking me as my body starts to tighten, i moan and grab his arms, his cock plunging in and out of me, so thick its stimulating my clit, i have never cum like this before, i throw my head back my eyes closed and cum hard

he is in a seated position and i'm riding him.  i'm fucking the full length of him, slamming my body onto his cock hard and fast and he's raising his hips to meet me.  its hard and loud and the bed threatens to break as we fuck each other.

he turns me over onto my hands and knees.  pushes the head of his cock into me.  slowly just the head at first.  then he begins stroking me slow i look back see him watching his cock slide in and out of me sometimes just the tip other times giving me his full length.  like he's exploring different ways to fill me.

we literally fucked for about 2 and a half hours non stop. towards the end i told him i couldn't do anymore.  he stripped off the condom and i blew him a bit then he jerked off,  stroking himself while playing with my clit.  blows his load on my chest.

changes

folks who follow this blog know that i am very NSA (no strings attached).  i have been in a place for sometime now where i am not looking for a relationship or even to date.  there are many reasons for this.  and i've been really happy and content in this current place.  i've been reveling in being single.

for my entire adult life i've been in one relationship or another.  after i ended my last relationship i made a promise to myself that i would stay single for a while.  that i wouldn't just jump into another relationship.  for sometime now i've managed to keep this promise to myself and honestly i would have been content to continue reveling in my bachelor status.

but sometimes shit just happens.

i had been playing around with this guy for a couple months.  sexy non trans dude of color, stick thin (which is not usually my thing i like a little meat).  i like him, he likes me, we have amazing fucking sexual chemistry.  and sometimes we hang outside of the bedroom.  not often but once in a while.  i've met some of his friends on these outer bedroom excursions.  however throughout all this i was very clear that we're just playing around, that i'm not looking to date or anything like that, in fact the outside of the bedroom hang time felt like a bit of an adventure to me.

at different points he would say he was starting to have feelings for me.  to which i always responded that i was not looking for more than nsa play.  to which he always responded that he knew and was cool with it but just wanted to be honest with me.  this went on for sometime and we had alot of fun together.

then one night recently he came over and he didn't look happy.  i asked how he was doing and he said not ok.  i said 'what's going on'.  at which point he totally broke down, sobbing and said that he has really strong feelings for me and he can't just keep doing this NSA thing.  to which i said 'you know that i'm just not in a place right now to have a relationship' he said he knows. i felt like a major fucking ass.  it was very sad.  soon after he left and wished me the best.  

i have definitely had hookups who wanted more.  i was always clear with them that i only wanted to play.  i've had regular situations come to an end before i.e. favorite guy.  when it ended i did feel sad, but this felt different.  i realized despite all my 'nsa' stance i had started to develop feelings for this guy.  the thought of never seeing him again made me incredibly sad.

fuck me man.

i called him the next day and we talked it out.  so now we're dating - its an open kind of thing so my posts on this blog will continue, but with maybe a little different spin.

my sunday afternoon bear

i had hooked up with one of my regulars friday night. he's what i think of as a marathoner, meaning, i know if we're gonna hook up i won't get home until 3am at the earliest and that i may need the next day to recuperate (which i did). however, i had been feeling the need for something new, yet had not been having much success.

its now sunday afternoon and i'm just lazing around, i have my sites up but am not paying a whole lot of attention when i notice a new message. the subject says "FTMs drive me wild"

ok, that catches my eye. I check him out. he's a big, 6ft something, 280lb, bear. Much luv to all the bears out there, however bears are not usually my thing.

But every once in a while I get a craving.

He's cute and is a 5 minute bike ride away (again my thing for anything local).

We chat some, turns out he's never been with an ftm before, but has been wanting to for sometime and finds the idea incredibly hot. I tell him what i'm into and ask what he'd like to do - he says theoretically he would like to finger fuck and pussy fuck me, theoretically cuz he's never done either before, but no kissing cuz he has a boyfriend (open relationship).

Sounds good to me. i kinda luv that he said "theoretically".

Then he says you know i'm a big guy right. I say I like big guys.

He only has an hour or so before his boyfriend gets home. So i head over. I get to his place, big place, you can tell a couple lives there. We sit down on his couch. He says he would never know that I'm trans - that i even walk like a guy - I just had to put that in cuz i thought it was interesting - what does a guy walk like? Anyways, we're chatting and i'm very aware of time.

He says he's really nervous. Sometimes nervousness is a turn off and sometimes I love it. In this case I love it. Dude is almost 3x my weight and way over a foot taller and i'm making him nervous - its very cute.

Its clear i'm gonna have to take the lead which is also not so much my thing, i'm on the sub side, but sometimes taking the lead is hot and in this case it is so I say babe don't be nervous and i stroke his face. then i climb on top of his lap and kiss his neck while i grind against him. I pull of his shirt and help him with his pants. I strip. he's sitting on the couch, he's such a big mountain of a guy i kneel down in front of him and take his cock into my mouth. he's semi erect so i help him out. he moans as i guide my lips up and down his shaft.

i climb back up on top of him so i'm sitting on his lap. i take his hand and i guide his fingers into me. he starts stroking my cunt with his long thick fingers. i ask him if he likes it, he moans and nods. I ask if he wants to fuck me. he nods. i grab a condom and slip it over his dick. then i guide him into me. he squeezes my nipples as i ride him. he cums quickly - but its very hot. he apologizes for cumming so quickly, says he was just so nervous. I say no prob man, don't worry about it. he says with a grin if we meet again i promise i will last longer. i smile - nice.

I clean up, get dressed and head out. He says, 'thanks man' as i'm heading out the door. I get home and text him - Thanks - you made my sunday much more interesting.

cock before dinner with the fam - a tale of hometown play

So I did my first out of town hook up today. I’m visiting relatives in the town where I grew up. When I had visited in the past by the end of the visit I would be near explosion with sexual frustration. So I had decided ahead of time that I would see if I could arrange something for this visit. A week or two beforehand I added to my profiles that I would be in my hometown and the dates of my visit and then I changed my location to that city. I got hit up pretty quickly by a cute guy who had been with a trans guy once before and was not far from where I would be staying. We chatted for a bit, seemed very hot and then exchanged numbers. Cool.

So the week of my trip comes and he texts me to see if we are still on. I say yeah, most definitely so we arrange date, time, etc.

My hometown is the kind of place where you have to have a car – public transportation is really bad – so I realized I didn’t really have a way to get to his place. He offered to pick me up, but I was not OK with my hook up picking me up at my family’s place.....

So instead I asked my little brother to drop me off – LOL. I’m out to my little brother, but telling him to drop me off at a hook ups place is a little more disclosure than our relationship entails. So I tell him I’m meeting a friend and just have him drop me off at a coffee shop near the hook up.

I walk to his apartment, which is in an area I’m familiar with, as I walk I'm thinking about how the last time I was there I was in high school hanging with friends, now years later, I’m a little transqueer walking to get fucked by some guy I met online.

I get to his place, nice guy, cute, looks older than his pic which is hot as he has a bit of a youngish silver fox thing going. We chat for a bit sitting on his couch. He is very stereotypically gay. Then we start kissing – we make out for a while on his couch, clothes still on, its get me very hard. Then he leads me to his bedroom. We kiss, he’s a really good kisser, and we make out some more shirts off, I can feel his hard on through his jeans as he grinds into me. Its too much for both of us – he pulls back, strips then unbuttons my pants and pulls them off. We kiss and grind for a while just enjoying the feeling of each others bodies.

Then I push him back and take his cock into my mouth, he’s got a beautiful cock, he moans as i guide my mouth up and down his shaft, he is the perfect size where I’m able to take his cock fully down my throat, he moans and fucks my throat until I can’t take it anymore, then pushing me onto my back he spreads my legs and begins to tongue my front hole, this I love, after sometime he climbs on top of me grabs my head and face fucks me hard.

He grabs a condom, slips it on and moans as he slowly pushes his cock into me, he lifts my legs up over my head and fucks me, slow long strokes, after a while he wraps his arms around me and pulls me up on top of him, my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist i ride him as he kneels back meeting each stroke. He says he's gonna cum soon and pushes me onto my back, we’re both moaning and fucking each other frantically, he shoots and it must be a huge load cuz even with the condom I feel his hot cum shoot into me (no worries the condom didn’t break).

He pulls out cleans up and then collapses on top of me. We lie like that for a while. Just chatting about our lives and stuff. He’s a talker which is good cuz I’m feeling a little off my normal chat game. We chat for quite a while about our lives. I like him.

Then he starts kissing me again, we kiss and grind urgently, I can feel that he’s already hard again, he grabs a condom and pushes hard into me, I pull him to me and we kiss and fuck, our bodies tightly together, he’s fucking me hard and fast, he says he gonna cum again and we keep fucking until he lets out a huge groan, he keeps stroking me and I’m cumming as well until he collapses on top of me, his body against my clit and his cock still in me I hold him tightly to me as i feel my body continue to spasm and shake.

Afterwards we lie back and chat for a while more. I ask if he needs to go soon and he says yeah but he doesn’t want to so we just cuddle and chat. Then he really needs go to. He offers to drive me where ever I need. I just ask him to drop me in town near the bus. As he’s dropping me off he kisses me good bye.

So I’m waiting for the bus for over half an hour (like i said public transit in my home town sucks) when my little brother calls me to say that they are in town having dinner and asking where I am and to join them. I hesitate a bit cuz something seems not right about going straight from a hook up to dinner with the family, but whatever.

So I meet them at a local restaurant. As we are chatting over dinner i keep thinking is it obvious I’ve just been fucking some guy, do i smell like sex? surreal to go from an anonymous cock in my mouth to sharing a slice of pie with my mom.

transfag barebacking

this piece is somewhat of a continuation of an earlier piece i wrote unsafe sex

this piece is about barebacking - fucking without a condom

However I want to be very clear from the start that I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

i do want to talk about it though

so this is how it started. i had been messaging with this guy late one night. hot, muscular guy. that stereotypical gay boy kind of sexy. we had been messaging for a while. he had only been with non trans guys - never been with a trans guy or any other gender for that matter. And he really wanted to try pussy fucking. I was pretty horny and really wanted a hook up.

We kept chatting and the messages were getting me even more turned on. Then he asked if he could fuck me without a condom (this is not an unusual request from guys) he said he was negative, tests regularly, etc. I said no. Safe only. He said yeah he knows but he just wants to feel what it feels like. I say no man sorry we gotta be safe. At which point he says can i just put it in once to see how it feels.

I stop and consider it.

This is when i make a bad decision, i don't know why, maybe i let my hornyness get the better of me, maybe its that i'm a little buzzed, i don't know... I rationalize in my head, well just once, that's low risk, what's the big deal. So I say ok, just once.

He's really close by so i hop on my bike and head over. We chat a little, he is just as hot in person as his pics. I suck him off some and climb on top off him. He is not very aggressive so i'm taking the lead. I guide him into me raw. I'm taking the lead so I own this as all of my own, it definitely becomes more than one stroke, its very hot, and i get lost in it. After a couple of minutes he says he's getting close. I come to my senses enough at this point to stop, grab a condom and slip it over his cock, we fuck a few minutes more before he cums.

I can hear all of what folks are thinking as you're reading this cuz i would think the same thing. This was not a smart thing to do - even though safer sex education does not target trans people and definitely does not target trans guys or gender queers folks - at least in most urban centers safer sex messaging is pretty clear - its safer to use a condom.

I've never met this guy before, I don't know anything about him really, he could be lying about getting tested, even if he isn't there is a window period so unless you get tested and then are abstinent for 3-6 months there is no way to know and most people who are positive don't know it. Not even mentioning other STDs… Yeah, there was no exchange of cum, but there probably was exchange of pre-cum and I’m just lucky that he didn’t try to keep fucking me and was cool with stopping and rubbering up.

While some of it may have been that i really wanted to fuck this guy and was worried he would turn me down if i said no. And i could try and rationalize it to internalized transphobia and low self esteem, which is the reason that the few studies there have been about transfags would give for it, i'm not disagreeing with those studies or disregarding that reality.

Its just that if i really think about it and am honest with myself I don't think that was really it.

I was buzzed at the time so i'm sure that was a factor. However lots of guys have asked to fuck raw before, and some of those times i've been buzzed or even more than buzzed, and I have always said no.

Having come into my own as a gay guy with lots of access to safer sex information fucking a hook up without a condom was something i never even considered. So what happened?

If it had just been the one incident maybe i could have let it got but the thing is that sometime after this particular incident i went through this period where i was taking alot of risks. meaning on more than one occasion i was barebacking - pussy fucking without a condom. it was always with guys i consider regulars, so it was not like my 'let me put it in once guy' who i had never met before and never saw again, this only makes it marginally less risky - but its still very very risky.

the first time was with one of my regulars who i really like beyond fucking and we've been playing around for a couple months now, he asked and i said yes, he says he's negative, he doesn't play around and just got out of a monogamous relationship, somehow i rationalized that all in my head to mean it was ok (though there are countless reasons why its not). i have to admit we fucked raw more than once.

the 2nd time was with a guy who is a nice guy, fun to fuck, he is very gay and plays around some, we've known each other for a couple months as well. we were in the midst of playing around and i told him to put on a condom, he stopped and said "do we have to? i just tested negative last month". i said "well that doesn't mean anything there's a 3 month waiting period" to which he said "i know that's how i test, i've been safe in the last 3 months and its not like i've hooked up with that many guys anyways". Note all this convo is happening with us both naked, him perched over me with his hard cock pointed right at me. I waiver, i really want to, so i say yes, just don't cum inside me, so we fuck raw and its very hot.

so the last time was with a new regular, i like him, but i need to keep reminding him that this is NSA, he says he's neg tested a few months ago, gay, plays around some, we're fucking around and i guide him into me raw, he doesn't ask, i just do it, i want it. he looks at me and says is this ok. i say yeah. we fuck and at various points both of us say we should stop until finally we do before he cums.

the last time was when i realized that i needed to figure out what the hell was going on with me. that was actually when i started working on this piece.

none of it made sense, these guys are regulars, i have no fear of rejection with them in fact, i don't want to sound egotistical but all three of them are very into me, we've fucked before with condoms and i know we will fuck again with condoms. drinking was only a factor with one of them. i wasn't particularly depressed or down. so what the hell was i doing?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while. I know that I feel a great deal of shame about it, clearly I should know better, yet I believe shame and the silence that often follows do not serve anyone well.

If I'm honest with myself i believe the first guys request of just one stroke, then my regulars 'safer' (with very big quotes) sexual histories were a way for me to rationalize doing something I hadn't realized that i wanted so badly - sex without barriers - flesh on flesh - to feel a warm cock stroking me - to feel the skin of a cock inside me.

Let me be very clear I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

I'm just trying to be honest and real with myself. I'm just trying to figure out how to live safer in the future and the only way i know how is to be real with myself about why i made those decisions.

Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you". While I'm sure she never considered it being used in this context, I think about this quote when i think about all this.

I believe if i speak this need, this desire that i have, then its real and not shameful. Even if i only speak it to myself.

Once its real, once i acknowledge it and stop hiding behind an image of safety, then i can decide if, when and how to fulfill this desire without putting myself at such high risk, without just giving into this desire at random moments when i can rationalize it in my head.

I'm owning this desire because i need to take care of myself and its the only way i know how.

NOTE: My thinking on the topic of fucking without a condom has been greatly influenced by blogger Brandon Lacy Campos' writing on the subject, particularly this piece,

bareback sex human needs vs condoms

Check out his blog, his analysis, honesty, realness and beauty are inspiring.

Caramel: My "Blue Balls" Story

We were supposed to have coffee, but opted for beers instead. It was a crowded bar and I wanted privacy; I had some questions to ask. Questions about the mechanics of what we were maybe going to do if this first "meeting" went well. See, I think it's important to clarify just how you're going to fuck before the actual event takes place. This is crucial.

Homeboy and I, after we were seated, started talking about the trivial shit we could care less about. He's a student, math major. Okay, that's kinda hot. As a proud, card-carrying nerd, I'm quite into fucking other nerds. Eventually, I just blurted out "so what do you think?" His hazel colored eyes traveled down my face, lingered for a second on my beard, moved down to my chest. "You're a dude" He looked at me then like I was supposed to feel complimented by his assessment.
"I know this. I mean, what are you into sexually?"
"Not dudes," he said and took another swig of his corona.
I grinned then. I don't know why, but there are certain nontrans guys I just love fucking with. The type who'll flirt yet still insist that I'm a girl. The type who'll message me incessantly, anxiously wanting to meet, yet when they encounter the realness of me, and the reality of their attraction to masculine bodies, will throw up some front. Alright. I decided to play along.
"Cool," I responded noncommittally, "then we're just 2 dudes having a beer." That's when he started sharing his "women troubles" with me. Women just don't get him. He was married for 10 years and she did him dirty. He's really into trans women, but responded to my ad out of curiosity.

"Tell me," he segued, "how can you be living as a guy and still be attracted to dudes?"
"I like dick," I responded, making sure to over-enunciate the K. My lightweight ass was beginning to feel the effects of the beer and I'm raunchy as hell when buzzed. "Do you like to perform oral?" he asked without missing a beat. Obviously, the beer was working on him too. "Do you?" I asked back. "Very much so. I'd like to see you without your clothes." I asked him if he was more interested in proving or disproving something else about my gender. "Maybe, but I also just want to see you." He flashed the same seductive smile he'd sported in his pic. The same pic where he'd been shirtless, a doo rag on, and his smooth, caramel-toned torso inspiring thoughts of the X-rated variety.

"Are you into rough stuff?" he continued. The negotiation had started and I was trying my damnest not to let my excitement show; negotiating sex acts is one of my favorite types of conversation. I wanted him to clarify what he meant by "rough". "I'm an aggressive top," he added with a sly grin. Oh yeah, I'm familiar with the type. For nontrans men it may mean they have to make the first move. They have to flip you around, contort you into various positions. They may talk dirty in your ear, pinning you down as they plunge into you. In other words, power - expressing it - turns them on. (I know this may sound scary to some, but power play during sex can be hot. You just have to talk honestly about what you will and won't do.) I'm not into pain and I mentioned this to him. Neither was he.

"You realize that you'll be doing all of this with a dude, right?" I reminded him, after we'd spent a few more minutes listing a few other activities we wanted to try together. He shook his head. "I can't see you that way while we're doing this." What the fuck?! "I see a dude in front of me now, but when we're fucking, in my head you'll be a..." He trailed off then and I knew what he was afraid to say. Shit. That caramel hue, smooth skin, and "fuck me" smile really had me wanting things to go down. But could I do it with a dude who refuses to see me for who and what I am?

I tried to tune out the rest of his rambling and quickly finished my beer. Snatches of his monologue, like "I can host" and "my place isn't far", inadvertently caught my attention. I had to get the hell out of there before my libido continued making decisions for me. I caught the waiter's attention and asked for the bill. "You're ready to go?" He asked. "Yeah, I'm going home, but this has been...nice." He looked surprised then. I said I couldn't sleep with someone who pretended I was someone else. I got up to go and he asked if I was sure about wanting to leave. I looked at him and, god, the lookist in me wanted to sit my ass back down. But I just couldn't let myself go there, so with that I wished him a good night and left.

Mr. Thick

So I was supposed to meet up with one of my favs, a regular, but he is very flaky, I put up with it cuz I really like him, so of course around 7pm he texts me to say that an emergency came up and he probably can’t do it. In the mean time I’ve received three texts one from a new fav, one from a new potential that I’ve been trying to schedule, and another from a recent hook up that I’ve been trying to do again cuz he is unbelievably thick.

So I debate, do i do the new hookup which could suck or Mr Thick who I know will be good (not gonna hook up with the new fav as I just hooked up with him yesterday). I go with my third text – Mr Thick.

So I’ve hooked up with this guy before, I call him Mr. Thick because he is unbelievably thick. OK looking guy, Italian, short but very built, clearly used to be very muscular now more stocky, only thing is he’s very hairy, which is not so much my thing. However, as I said before he is very, very thick.

He lives alone, very fancy apartment in a very fancy apartment building, the first time we hooked up he fucked me three, maybe four times. Very hot. So its around 9pm and I head over. Get to his place and we exchange how are you’s and then get to fucking. He’s a good kisser, we kiss for a while and he plays with my nipples through my shirt which always gets me hard. We strip down and kiss and grind some more. I start sucking him off, he is very big and hard, so its difficult for me, i mean to give you an idea of his size imagine a soda can - he is at least that thick maybe more - and a good length as well.

then he puts me on my back, I ask him if he has condoms, he grabs one and slips it over his dick. I grab my lube and lather us both up. He starts to push inside me, I ask him to go slow at first, which he does, it hurts due to his size but in a good way.

He fucks me for a while, stroking me missionary style slowly letting my cunt get used to his cock, until i want more and start to fuck him back slamming my cunt against his cock, then he starts to fuck me hard flipping me onto my hands and knees and fucking me from behind pounding me - quick hard strokes that seem to go on forever. He stops to catch his breath and i push him onto his back, i slide back onto his cock and ride him slowly just enjoying the feeling then faster until i can't take it anymore and i feel myself starting to cum, but he keeps pushing into me stroking his hips up into my cunt as i clutch his chest and cum hard. then he pushes me onto my back, throws my legs over his shoulders and fucks me hard and fast until he shoots into me.

Afterwards as we’re sprawled across his bed he starts stroking his cock again, based on last time I figure we are gonna fuck some more, so I help him out and suck him off some, its takes him sometime to get hard again which I don’t care about, i ask him to put on a condom and we fuck again for a bit, but he can’t stay hard. This is when it starts to be less hot. I would say for the next hour he trys to get hard again but can’t stay hard, we try to fuck again but he can’t keep it up – I of course get fleeting thoughts of is it me…. But I know enough to squelch that ridiculousness...

I keep saying that its cool, we don’t have to fuck again, once is cool, etc. especially cuz it really was the first fuck was incredibly hot and I’m very good. however he is determined….. so an hour later, I’m a little sexually frustrated, really I don’t care if we don’t fuck again, really, but him jerking off, even unsuccessfully has me going again. Anyways, he apologizes profusely and I keep saying not to worry about it. I ask him if he minds if I jerk off, he kisses me and strokes my nipples while I jerk off.

Then I rinse off, grab my shit and head out the door. He keeps apologizing. I feel bad for him so I send him a text thanking him again and saying not to worry about it. Of course he doesn’t text back and I never hear from him again.... non trans guys can be so ridiculous about their dicks.