folks who follow this blog know that i am very NSA (no strings attached). i have been in a place for sometime now where i am not looking for a relationship or even to date. there are many reasons for this. and i've been really happy and content in this current place. i've been reveling in being single.
for my entire adult life i've been in one relationship or another. after i ended my last relationship i made a promise to myself that i would stay single for a while. that i wouldn't just jump into another relationship. for sometime now i've managed to keep this promise to myself and honestly i would have been content to continue reveling in my bachelor status.
but sometimes shit just happens.
i had been playing around with this guy for a couple months. sexy non trans dude of color, stick thin (which is not usually my thing i like a little meat). i like him, he likes me, we have amazing fucking sexual chemistry. and sometimes we hang outside of the bedroom. not often but once in a while. i've met some of his friends on these outer bedroom excursions. however throughout all this i was very clear that we're just playing around, that i'm not looking to date or anything like that, in fact the outside of the bedroom hang time felt like a bit of an adventure to me.
at different points he would say he was starting to have feelings for me. to which i always responded that i was not looking for more than nsa play. to which he always responded that he knew and was cool with it but just wanted to be honest with me. this went on for sometime and we had alot of fun together.
then one night recently he came over and he didn't look happy. i asked how he was doing and he said not ok. i said 'what's going on'. at which point he totally broke down, sobbing and said that he has really strong feelings for me and he can't just keep doing this NSA thing. to which i said 'you know that i'm just not in a place right now to have a relationship' he said he knows. i felt like a major fucking ass. it was very sad. soon after he left and wished me the best.
i have definitely had hookups who wanted more. i was always clear with them that i only wanted to play. i've had regular situations come to an end before i.e. favorite guy. when it ended i did feel sad, but this felt different. i realized despite all my 'nsa' stance i had started to develop feelings for this guy. the thought of never seeing him again made me incredibly sad.
fuck me man.
i called him the next day and we talked it out. so now we're dating - its an open kind of thing so my posts on this blog will continue, but with maybe a little different spin.