fucking racists - racial fetishes and hookups

I've been hesitant to publish this piece, but here goes, we said we'd be honest and real in this blog.

I hooked up with this guy from A4A. White guy, 40's, cute in a nerdy kind of way, he was way cuter in his pics then in person (that's been happening to me more frequently lately).

We are having some pre-fuck chat when he starts talking about how he's only into "ethnic guys", white guys just don't do it for him, he needs "some shade to the skin". Great. I steer him away from that subject cuz I don't want to hear it, I just want to fuck, whatever little exotic brown boy fantasy you have going, have it in your head. We went onto fuck and he was actually incredible, like really fucking amazing in bed.

However, I was thinking about this incident afterwards. Outside of the hook up scene i've met my fair share of dudes with racial fetishes, i try to avoid them and usually have nothing to do with them as they tend to make my skin crawl - yet here i am on my knees in front of one of these same guys with his dick in my mouth. I can't help but laugh at myself as i write this.

I mean, sometimes i think about this and think is this because i have a lack of self respect? Is it because i am letting my hornyness get the better of me?

Racism just seems like par for the course with online hook ups. I've had my fair share of rejections when guys find out the color of my skin. The ads that say no blacks or asians or 'latins' or some combination of those are all over the sites. I recognize this as racist bullshit and i don't (well mostly) let it impact me.

I know who I am and I am strong and confident in my identity as a person of color. What do I care that some guy who i am about to fuck and may never see again has an "ethnic fetish". As long as he does not refer to me in racist ways, never had a guy call me his little brown boy, etc., it does not impact me.

Even as I write this, I feel hypocritical. In my daily life i believe in calling out oppression and know that saying, "well it doesn't bother me" doesn't mean its not racist and shouldn't be called out. I know that in the grand scheme of things I should care, i should at least let him know he's racist and not let him continue to live on with his prejudice, in the grand scheme of things at that point I should have some self respect, grab my shit and bounce.

But I don't.

As a person of color I live racism, i've studied it, I written about it, I've givens speeches on it, I've protested it, its not like i don't get it. I have devoted my life to movements for economic and racial justice this is what i live and breath.

Yet as contradictory as it is I don't have a problem with fucking this guy.

Sometimes i just want to get fucked, i want a nice or not so nice depending on my mood guy to kiss me, touch my body and make me cum. Then i want to grab my shit and walk out the door - no strings attached.

the only moment when i even start to feel bad is when i think about how other people would view me, what others would think of me.

Is it disempowering for me to fuck some racial fetish guy - my co blogger thinks so and probably alot of other folks out there, even i do sometimes. But the thing is I don't feel disempowered - the exact opposite in fact - i don't care about this guy - i know what i want and i am getting it.

i don't even know how to end this piece, to be honest i play around with this particular guy every now and then cuz he is such a hot fuck, however i feel like maybe i shouldn't...