valuing each other

recently i've gotten myself in a bit of a relationship.  my NSA status has shifted somewhat.  this was entirely unintended on my part.  a regular hook up became a frequent regular became a casual dating situation.  the boy is mad sexy in a skinny, twinkish brown boy kind of way, not my usual cup of tea i like a little more meat on a boy but so be it.  we have absolutely nothing in common except that we have incredible sexual chemistry and we have fun together.  he definitely is more into me than i am into him and is up front with me about it as i am up front with him about how i feel.

he is a stereotypical gay boy queen - into fashion, partying and fucking and having gotten to know this person for some time i can say with relative certainty that's about it.  don't get me wrong he cares for me, his friends, chosen and blood family but the ongoing state of war, violence and injustice in the world is not something that even crosses his mind.  no judgement intended - i don't understand it - its not a way i live and move in the world.   i get where the creation of this bubble comes from though - very few of us trans and queers of color have lived without struggle - and we all manage it in different ways of which all are valid.

we generally have a lot of fun together despite our differences.  of course as would go with someone you are dating, even casually things happen and you hurt each other.  i would say we've been good about being up front with each other when this happens and in every instance the other has apologized with little defensive and tried to be accountable.  what i've come to realize recently though is that this is not what i want.  i can have amazing, hot incredible sex with someone regardless of politic or how they move through the world.  i can have interesting conversation with people who don't give a shit about the state of the world but are good people, interesting people, even people i do not share politic with.

however if it moves beyond just fucking i've come to realize i need more.  i need some shared politic, doesn't have to mean they live and die for the movement, but i need an understanding that the world is a fucked up place and that its not ok and something should be done about it.  and i need someone to be passionate about something, care about something beyond fucking and partying.  that's where i landed recently and had decided to think on it but was pretty much gonna let the boy know that this was never going to go beyond casual dating and that while sad i understood if this meant it needed to end.

then also recently, seperately but perhaps connected in ways i have not fully processed, i got very very drunk and did and said some things that crossed his boundaries unintentionally, not of course that it matters, as i still did it, and for this i feel ashamed.  then he told me about how his friends, a crew of non trans gay boys, mostly of color, could not wait to know what had happened as it had been a bit of a public situation.  and this pushed me over the edge.  some of it was my own anger at myself, of course, but just pointed to another issue while i believe his friends care and love him and each other they take joy in putting down others and in other people's drama and i've told him many times that is something i cannot get with - don't laugh at her because her make up is messy, you don't know what she's been through, to me i see strength, beauty and pride (or challenge myself to do so) not someone to laugh and make fun of.

i also started to think about things that had caused conflict, his friends range of isms and my complicitness in it.  i started to feel like fuck this dude.  i'm done with this.  i know that some of this came from my own shame and anger at myself but i also know some of it was real.

then i read this piece by this incredible activist - mia mingus about how we treat each other as queer pocs.  and it made me stop and think.

how can i do right by this person.  how can i be honest about where i'm at in a way that does the least amount of harm yet is honest and real yet caring.  while this brown gay boy and i need to change how we are in relationship with each other i value and care about him.  how can i hold this moment of connection, of community and of relationship in a way that does not feed into all the negative messages that we all receive as queers of color seeking to move through this world