raw ass fucking

in my previous post transfag barebacking i wrote about how i was going through this period of doing a good amount of barebacking.  and to be honest it scared me a bit.  however writing that piece helped me to figure out what i wanted in a way that i could make safer choices.

i know there may be disapproval about this piece, but its a choice i made, definitely after some thought, it was not the safest choice and i'm not at all advocating it, but i own it as a decision i made at the time.  

so there is this dude i've been fucking for over a year now.  guy of color, round my age, bi but only fucks non trans women now except for me.  he's a real fucking asshole in alot of ways.  i would never date him, however he is a good to great fuck and very convenient. 

he says he's free of stds and i know he tests regularly for everything cuz he wants to be a sperm donor to make extra cash.  for better or worse i believe him. 

anyways, when we first started hookin up he asked if he could fuck my ass raw.  i said maybe after we've gotten to know each other a little better.  i don't know why i said that since at the time i had no intention of letting that happen.  actually to be honest i probably said it cuz i wanted to make sure he kept fucking me.  however so every once in a while he will check in.  "can i fuck ur ass raw now?".  i always say "not yet man". 

however, recently i decided that he is pretty safe given all of the above.  so he hit me up one night and i told him, i decided he could fuck me raw. 

and i really want it.  i want to feel a dude cum in my ass.  sorry to be crude but that's what i want.

i get to his place, we chat a bit then get to fucking.  i suck his cock til he's hard.  then i bend over, lube up my ass and he puts the tip of his cock to my hole.  he begins to push in.  i'm tight but he takes it slow until his cock pops into place.  then he begins to stroke me.  so hot.  we are both moaning and loving it.  he fucks me for a while and he says do you want me to cum.  i say yeah, but he says he's not even close.

he fucks me for a while more, but i can't take it anymore (i can last way longer with pussy fucking).  so he pulls out.  its a bit messy which is not so much my thing or his so he we both clean up.  it was however still very hot.

he's still hard.  he sits back on a chair and i kneel between his legs taking his cock into my mouth.  i suck him off while jerking myself off.  i cum hard his cock in my mouth.  i keep sucking him off til i feel him starting to cum.  i keep my mouth around his cock licking his tip as he shoots a huge load into my mouth. 

transfag barebacking

this piece is somewhat of a continuation of an earlier piece i wrote unsafe sex

this piece is about barebacking - fucking without a condom

However I want to be very clear from the start that I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

i do want to talk about it though

so this is how it started. i had been messaging with this guy late one night. hot, muscular guy. that stereotypical gay boy kind of sexy. we had been messaging for a while. he had only been with non trans guys - never been with a trans guy or any other gender for that matter. And he really wanted to try pussy fucking. I was pretty horny and really wanted a hook up.

We kept chatting and the messages were getting me even more turned on. Then he asked if he could fuck me without a condom (this is not an unusual request from guys) he said he was negative, tests regularly, etc. I said no. Safe only. He said yeah he knows but he just wants to feel what it feels like. I say no man sorry we gotta be safe. At which point he says can i just put it in once to see how it feels.

I stop and consider it.

This is when i make a bad decision, i don't know why, maybe i let my hornyness get the better of me, maybe its that i'm a little buzzed, i don't know... I rationalize in my head, well just once, that's low risk, what's the big deal. So I say ok, just once.

He's really close by so i hop on my bike and head over. We chat a little, he is just as hot in person as his pics. I suck him off some and climb on top off him. He is not very aggressive so i'm taking the lead. I guide him into me raw. I'm taking the lead so I own this as all of my own, it definitely becomes more than one stroke, its very hot, and i get lost in it. After a couple of minutes he says he's getting close. I come to my senses enough at this point to stop, grab a condom and slip it over his cock, we fuck a few minutes more before he cums.

I can hear all of what folks are thinking as you're reading this cuz i would think the same thing. This was not a smart thing to do - even though safer sex education does not target trans people and definitely does not target trans guys or gender queers folks - at least in most urban centers safer sex messaging is pretty clear - its safer to use a condom.

I've never met this guy before, I don't know anything about him really, he could be lying about getting tested, even if he isn't there is a window period so unless you get tested and then are abstinent for 3-6 months there is no way to know and most people who are positive don't know it. Not even mentioning other STDs… Yeah, there was no exchange of cum, but there probably was exchange of pre-cum and I’m just lucky that he didn’t try to keep fucking me and was cool with stopping and rubbering up.

While some of it may have been that i really wanted to fuck this guy and was worried he would turn me down if i said no. And i could try and rationalize it to internalized transphobia and low self esteem, which is the reason that the few studies there have been about transfags would give for it, i'm not disagreeing with those studies or disregarding that reality.

Its just that if i really think about it and am honest with myself I don't think that was really it.

I was buzzed at the time so i'm sure that was a factor. However lots of guys have asked to fuck raw before, and some of those times i've been buzzed or even more than buzzed, and I have always said no.

Having come into my own as a gay guy with lots of access to safer sex information fucking a hook up without a condom was something i never even considered. So what happened?

If it had just been the one incident maybe i could have let it got but the thing is that sometime after this particular incident i went through this period where i was taking alot of risks. meaning on more than one occasion i was barebacking - pussy fucking without a condom. it was always with guys i consider regulars, so it was not like my 'let me put it in once guy' who i had never met before and never saw again, this only makes it marginally less risky - but its still very very risky.

the first time was with one of my regulars who i really like beyond fucking and we've been playing around for a couple months now, he asked and i said yes, he says he's negative, he doesn't play around and just got out of a monogamous relationship, somehow i rationalized that all in my head to mean it was ok (though there are countless reasons why its not). i have to admit we fucked raw more than once.

the 2nd time was with a guy who is a nice guy, fun to fuck, he is very gay and plays around some, we've known each other for a couple months as well. we were in the midst of playing around and i told him to put on a condom, he stopped and said "do we have to? i just tested negative last month". i said "well that doesn't mean anything there's a 3 month waiting period" to which he said "i know that's how i test, i've been safe in the last 3 months and its not like i've hooked up with that many guys anyways". Note all this convo is happening with us both naked, him perched over me with his hard cock pointed right at me. I waiver, i really want to, so i say yes, just don't cum inside me, so we fuck raw and its very hot.

so the last time was with a new regular, i like him, but i need to keep reminding him that this is NSA, he says he's neg tested a few months ago, gay, plays around some, we're fucking around and i guide him into me raw, he doesn't ask, i just do it, i want it. he looks at me and says is this ok. i say yeah. we fuck and at various points both of us say we should stop until finally we do before he cums.

the last time was when i realized that i needed to figure out what the hell was going on with me. that was actually when i started working on this piece.

none of it made sense, these guys are regulars, i have no fear of rejection with them in fact, i don't want to sound egotistical but all three of them are very into me, we've fucked before with condoms and i know we will fuck again with condoms. drinking was only a factor with one of them. i wasn't particularly depressed or down. so what the hell was i doing?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while. I know that I feel a great deal of shame about it, clearly I should know better, yet I believe shame and the silence that often follows do not serve anyone well.

If I'm honest with myself i believe the first guys request of just one stroke, then my regulars 'safer' (with very big quotes) sexual histories were a way for me to rationalize doing something I hadn't realized that i wanted so badly - sex without barriers - flesh on flesh - to feel a warm cock stroking me - to feel the skin of a cock inside me.

Let me be very clear I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

I'm just trying to be honest and real with myself. I'm just trying to figure out how to live safer in the future and the only way i know how is to be real with myself about why i made those decisions.

Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you". While I'm sure she never considered it being used in this context, I think about this quote when i think about all this.

I believe if i speak this need, this desire that i have, then its real and not shameful. Even if i only speak it to myself.

Once its real, once i acknowledge it and stop hiding behind an image of safety, then i can decide if, when and how to fulfill this desire without putting myself at such high risk, without just giving into this desire at random moments when i can rationalize it in my head.

I'm owning this desire because i need to take care of myself and its the only way i know how.

NOTE: My thinking on the topic of fucking without a condom has been greatly influenced by blogger Brandon Lacy Campos' writing on the subject, particularly this piece,

bareback sex human needs vs condoms

Check out his blog, his analysis, honesty, realness and beauty are inspiring.