Eaten Out By The Kinky Republican

"So how do you like being eaten out by a Republican?" He picked his reddish, shiny bald head up from between my legs. I managed a grin before he sunk back down to my clit, flicking it with his tongue again...and again...and again. I was being so fucking loud. In the back of my mind I wondered if his walls were thin. Then his tongue slid down to right underneath my clit. I actually bucked. He was mmm-ing and filling the room with his slurping sounds. He flattened his tongue against the underside of my clit and slowly dragged it up to the tip of my dick. When he got to the top, he quickly enveloped the tip of my cock with his wet lips, applying gentle pressure intermittently. "God, I love the way you smell. I want you to come in my mouth." His tone was gruff. He grabbed my hips hard as he sucked my entire clit into his mouth. Then he started going up and down on it...

He'd been pestering me for weeks. Begging me to come over so he could eat me out. He didn't want to fuck, just give oral and I don't usually do those kinds of hook ups (licking me for a few minutes just makes me want to play with your penis). But I woke up one bright and sunny Saturday morning and my clit was as hard as a rock. (This has been happening more and more lately). I felt so fucking horny. The kind of horny where I'd just want to lock myself in a room with a few men and fuck like there's no tomorrow. But surprise surprise, the kind of fucking I was looking for this particular morning didn't involve a cock. I thought about G, the dude who'd been texting me for weeks, trying to lure me over to his place with promises of amazing oral. Just like that my mind was made up. A series of back and forth texts later, I was up and about. Fifteen minutes after that, I was out the door, walking briskly to the train station. Yeah, I was horny as fuck.

He had a small room. When I entered, the curtains were already drawn. He had a flat screen and it was showing something...don't remember what. He reclined on his full-sized bed and I looked him over again. Bearish, bald, whitish guy, with these really interesting blue-green eyes. Late 30s. I noticed his blond beard and mustache. Later, that mustache would tickle in the most delicious way as his tongue dug in and out of me.

We really shouldn't have talked so much in the beginning, because all the ugly traits and qualities, you can't know by looking at a photograph, emerge. You know, ugliness like xenophobia. Shit like that. He didn't like how racially and culturally diverse his neighborhood was. "The only people that need to stick together are white and black people. Everyone else can fuck off." I was aghast. Holy shit. This dude is a Republican. This was later confirmed when he said "I'm a republican" and pointed to the American flag taped over one window. It was so dusty and dingy-looking I had mistaken it for a curtain. I didn't like where this conversation was going, so I quickly changed the subject back to sex. I had come here to get off, not get roped into some philosophical or political debate.

"My girl's okay with me fooling around, because she can't get down with my fetishes," he explained, after telling me he had a girlfriend. He had a "natural scent" (aka body odour) thing and gets off on smelling people's armpits...the sweatier the better. His favorite body part to smell is the vagina; he can't get enough of pussy smell. "The muskier the better," he said with a big smile on his face. Then he proclaimed his love for feet and appraised mine favorably. Eventually, I don't remember how we got there, he started sharing stories about his former life as a sex worker, and the fetishes and fantasies he had to fulfill for wealthy men. There was a forced flippancy in the way he shared these stories. After a while, it became less easy for me to judge him simply as "the Republican."

The best part of this hook up? The different sensations - wetness, suction and pressure from his lips, friction from the bristles on his tongue. I haven't been eaten out like that in a long time. In fact, I've probably never been eaten out like that. Feeling like someone is sucking my cock and tongue-fucking me at the same time. I like the complicated-ness being trans adds to my experience of desire and pleasure. Sometimes when I'm fooling around with dudes, very few can actually grasp gender-queerness, so they have to lump me in one category or the other - really butch woman or faggy guy. However, with this guy I just had the feeling that he got it, you know. He was sucking on my clit like he knew his way around cock and lapping on me like I was some life-saving meal.

"You have nice feet." He knelt between my thighs, my left leg in the air, big toe at his lips. "Thank...uhh..." He pushed my toe into his mouth, sucking, and I lost my train of thought. So, let's pause here for a second. I don't have a feet thing. In fact, sometimes I don't understand it and no offense to people who dig feet fucking or anything like that. This is probably the left-over prude in me talking. However, I'll be honest, something happened when this dude sucked on my toes while finger fucking me. His lips around my toes felt so fucking soft, but his fingers in me felt anything but soft and gentle. Again, the mixture of sensations...I didn't come, but it felt really good. So now, perhaps, I'm rethinking my stance on feet sex.

On the train ride home I mauled over his stories and thought for the umpteenth time how complex human attractions and desires are, how we don't really understand why we like to fuck certain people and like being sexed up in particular ways. I didn't want to think about the injustice of being forced to make a living fulfilling the sexual sexual desires of others. That just seemed too heavy and painful a thought to be having at that moment.

Walking from the train station to my apt, I received his texts. He's never bottomed, but wants me to fuck him next time I go over. I think about my strap, which is just collecting dust in my room since I hadn't used the fucker in a long time. I thought about G and tried to imagine his ass, which I hadn't gotten a really good look at. I kinda want to fuck the kinky Republican...

my sunday afternoon bear

i had hooked up with one of my regulars friday night. he's what i think of as a marathoner, meaning, i know if we're gonna hook up i won't get home until 3am at the earliest and that i may need the next day to recuperate (which i did). however, i had been feeling the need for something new, yet had not been having much success.

its now sunday afternoon and i'm just lazing around, i have my sites up but am not paying a whole lot of attention when i notice a new message. the subject says "FTMs drive me wild"

ok, that catches my eye. I check him out. he's a big, 6ft something, 280lb, bear. Much luv to all the bears out there, however bears are not usually my thing.

But every once in a while I get a craving.

He's cute and is a 5 minute bike ride away (again my thing for anything local).

We chat some, turns out he's never been with an ftm before, but has been wanting to for sometime and finds the idea incredibly hot. I tell him what i'm into and ask what he'd like to do - he says theoretically he would like to finger fuck and pussy fuck me, theoretically cuz he's never done either before, but no kissing cuz he has a boyfriend (open relationship).

Sounds good to me. i kinda luv that he said "theoretically".

Then he says you know i'm a big guy right. I say I like big guys.

He only has an hour or so before his boyfriend gets home. So i head over. I get to his place, big place, you can tell a couple lives there. We sit down on his couch. He says he would never know that I'm trans - that i even walk like a guy - I just had to put that in cuz i thought it was interesting - what does a guy walk like? Anyways, we're chatting and i'm very aware of time.

He says he's really nervous. Sometimes nervousness is a turn off and sometimes I love it. In this case I love it. Dude is almost 3x my weight and way over a foot taller and i'm making him nervous - its very cute.

Its clear i'm gonna have to take the lead which is also not so much my thing, i'm on the sub side, but sometimes taking the lead is hot and in this case it is so I say babe don't be nervous and i stroke his face. then i climb on top of his lap and kiss his neck while i grind against him. I pull of his shirt and help him with his pants. I strip. he's sitting on the couch, he's such a big mountain of a guy i kneel down in front of him and take his cock into my mouth. he's semi erect so i help him out. he moans as i guide my lips up and down his shaft.

i climb back up on top of him so i'm sitting on his lap. i take his hand and i guide his fingers into me. he starts stroking my cunt with his long thick fingers. i ask him if he likes it, he moans and nods. I ask if he wants to fuck me. he nods. i grab a condom and slip it over his dick. then i guide him into me. he squeezes my nipples as i ride him. he cums quickly - but its very hot. he apologizes for cumming so quickly, says he was just so nervous. I say no prob man, don't worry about it. he says with a grin if we meet again i promise i will last longer. i smile - nice.

I clean up, get dressed and head out. He says, 'thanks man' as i'm heading out the door. I get home and text him - Thanks - you made my sunday much more interesting.

Virgins, Vaginas and Legs

One day I sat down and thought about all the dudes I'd fucked. I started calculating how many for whom I was some kind of first. After a while it dawned on me. I fuck a lot of virgins! Either they've never been with a trans man before (about 99% fall in this category) or they've never fucked a pussy before and about 70% fall into this latter category. What's going on here? For a lot of these guys, there's something unique about me that turns them on. It could be the combo of transboyfagverse combine that with racial identity, class, physical presentation, and all of the lovely other facets that combine into this me. I'll be the first to admit there is some exotification going on here. I'll also confess this makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. Should I not be fucking these dudes then? But what if looking at them gets me horny? Sexuality is such a complicated thing. It's irrational... But the point I'm trying to make is this, over time, after fucking all these dudes who, to varying degrees, exotify me will I internalize some of that? Like catching a cold, ideas spread. I don't want to "catch" their ideas of me, but oftentimes the sex is really good. Quite the conundrum.

Fucking virgin dudes has been really and truly a lot of fun. Way more fun than fucking "experienced" dudes when I was a girl. For years I had such unsatisfying sexual encounters. I know. I know. It takes 2 (or 4 or 5) to tango, as they say. I was sexually repressed and there are a number of reasons for that, which I'll save for another blog post. With guys who are virgins in some way (see paragraph 1) I've encountered so many interesting reactions to my pussy. I love that moment when they realize that being inside one isn't what they expected. I remember this one dude who with this surprised look on his face, kept saying over and over "Wow. This feels really good!" I mean, really, what pre-conceived notions do these guys have about vaginas? I should ask that next time. "When I say vagina what comes to mind?" Or just simply "what do you think of vaginas?" (To all who are cringing at my use of the v word, don't worry. I like seeing myself as a guy with a pussy) Oftentimes these dudes are so curious about vaginas. I remember this one guy wanted to go down on me. He'd never done it, but was so eager to try. I was a bit unsure, but I just decided to go for it. If he was doing a bang up job I'd stop him, fragile ego or not. And that's exactly what I did. He took it like a champ.

Everyone once in a while I'll do a strictly oral-sex hook up. I usually prefer not to do it, so the few I've had have been purely accidental. The best of these was with this white guy who was so fucking tall. He said he was a music producer. His pic looked like a head shot. He had this hippy granola vibe, but physically he was more urban cowboy. Anyway, he sucked my clit for a while. That was hands down one of the hottest sessions ever. He just cradled my ass and sucked me off. If I could, I would have come in his mouth. I know. I know. Not safe. But, fuck, besides abstinence, what is safe? Safety is an illusion, but we all know that.

Not all the response to my vagina has been favorable, however. See my boyfriend hates my genitalia. Sometimes when I don't hear back from guys, I wonder if my vagina had something to do with it. But I take one look at it and smile. I could never hate you. Yes, we've had quite a tempestuous relationship, my vagina and I. We spent months, years even, not speaking. Those were really miserable times. These are good times, with my vagina and I on speaking terms and all. Is it possible I've used the word "vagina" 200 times in this post? Perhaps I should tell you what other parts of my body I like. Well, I like my arms. I really do. I try to say "what's up" to my ass every morning. My stomach and I aren't giving each other death glares anymore. So things are going well. Except for my legs, which I'm still learning to love and accept. It's a work in progress.

So we went from virgins to vaginas to legs. I don't quite know how that happened, but I think it's your fault...

cock before dinner with the fam - a tale of hometown play

So I did my first out of town hook up today. I’m visiting relatives in the town where I grew up. When I had visited in the past by the end of the visit I would be near explosion with sexual frustration. So I had decided ahead of time that I would see if I could arrange something for this visit. A week or two beforehand I added to my profiles that I would be in my hometown and the dates of my visit and then I changed my location to that city. I got hit up pretty quickly by a cute guy who had been with a trans guy once before and was not far from where I would be staying. We chatted for a bit, seemed very hot and then exchanged numbers. Cool.

So the week of my trip comes and he texts me to see if we are still on. I say yeah, most definitely so we arrange date, time, etc.

My hometown is the kind of place where you have to have a car – public transportation is really bad – so I realized I didn’t really have a way to get to his place. He offered to pick me up, but I was not OK with my hook up picking me up at my family’s place.....

So instead I asked my little brother to drop me off – LOL. I’m out to my little brother, but telling him to drop me off at a hook ups place is a little more disclosure than our relationship entails. So I tell him I’m meeting a friend and just have him drop me off at a coffee shop near the hook up.

I walk to his apartment, which is in an area I’m familiar with, as I walk I'm thinking about how the last time I was there I was in high school hanging with friends, now years later, I’m a little transqueer walking to get fucked by some guy I met online.

I get to his place, nice guy, cute, looks older than his pic which is hot as he has a bit of a youngish silver fox thing going. We chat for a bit sitting on his couch. He is very stereotypically gay. Then we start kissing – we make out for a while on his couch, clothes still on, its get me very hard. Then he leads me to his bedroom. We kiss, he’s a really good kisser, and we make out some more shirts off, I can feel his hard on through his jeans as he grinds into me. Its too much for both of us – he pulls back, strips then unbuttons my pants and pulls them off. We kiss and grind for a while just enjoying the feeling of each others bodies.

Then I push him back and take his cock into my mouth, he’s got a beautiful cock, he moans as i guide my mouth up and down his shaft, he is the perfect size where I’m able to take his cock fully down my throat, he moans and fucks my throat until I can’t take it anymore, then pushing me onto my back he spreads my legs and begins to tongue my front hole, this I love, after sometime he climbs on top of me grabs my head and face fucks me hard.

He grabs a condom, slips it on and moans as he slowly pushes his cock into me, he lifts my legs up over my head and fucks me, slow long strokes, after a while he wraps his arms around me and pulls me up on top of him, my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist i ride him as he kneels back meeting each stroke. He says he's gonna cum soon and pushes me onto my back, we’re both moaning and fucking each other frantically, he shoots and it must be a huge load cuz even with the condom I feel his hot cum shoot into me (no worries the condom didn’t break).

He pulls out cleans up and then collapses on top of me. We lie like that for a while. Just chatting about our lives and stuff. He’s a talker which is good cuz I’m feeling a little off my normal chat game. We chat for quite a while about our lives. I like him.

Then he starts kissing me again, we kiss and grind urgently, I can feel that he’s already hard again, he grabs a condom and pushes hard into me, I pull him to me and we kiss and fuck, our bodies tightly together, he’s fucking me hard and fast, he says he gonna cum again and we keep fucking until he lets out a huge groan, he keeps stroking me and I’m cumming as well until he collapses on top of me, his body against my clit and his cock still in me I hold him tightly to me as i feel my body continue to spasm and shake.

Afterwards we lie back and chat for a while more. I ask if he needs to go soon and he says yeah but he doesn’t want to so we just cuddle and chat. Then he really needs go to. He offers to drive me where ever I need. I just ask him to drop me in town near the bus. As he’s dropping me off he kisses me good bye.

So I’m waiting for the bus for over half an hour (like i said public transit in my home town sucks) when my little brother calls me to say that they are in town having dinner and asking where I am and to join them. I hesitate a bit cuz something seems not right about going straight from a hook up to dinner with the family, but whatever.

So I meet them at a local restaurant. As we are chatting over dinner i keep thinking is it obvious I’ve just been fucking some guy, do i smell like sex? surreal to go from an anonymous cock in my mouth to sharing a slice of pie with my mom.

Mr Softee or Why We Fuck

That was the most awkward oral sex I've ever engaged in. Basically he should henceforth be known as Mr. Softee. I'm sure I don't need to explain from whence such a moniker cometh. First of all, he just wanted head, which is completely and totally fine...if this was communicated at the onset. I mean, come on! What's the point of lying about what you want? This is meant to be mutually beneficial. So his lying was the first problem. Then there was the pure utter weirdness of the situation. Picture this: you get off the train and your "date" is waiting for you when you step outside the station. He so does not look like his picture. You try not to appear crestfallen, even though you're sore as hell. Back at his place, he tells you he's hungry, walks into his kitchen and emerges with a plate of food, which he then proceeds to relish the hell out of while you're sitting, slowly sinking into his too soft couch, and wondering what the hell...To add insult to injury, he flips the tv on and squeals with pleasure because the game is on and it's his favorite team. Whoopee. At that point, I started to have an internal conversation. I estimated my horny-ness and sexual frustration quotient, calculated the value of the time I'd waste(d) traveling to and from this place, and I weighed that against the probability of getting any (good) sex in this situation. Right when I'm figuring out the answer to my complex statistical problem, he clears his throat. I look up. He's standing at the entrance to his bedroom, stark naked from the waist down, dick at half-mast. Hello. And just like that I'm horny...

So I want to share with you more of what went on in that bedroom, but it's so really uninspiring that I don't have the energy to explain or describe. I'll just leave you with one word on the subject: awkward. Awkward. And, no, we didn't have sex. There was some fumbling attempt at it, but it was like there was some invisible force dead-set on us not fucking. To that invisible force I say, thank you.

Now that I think about it, what was so profound about the whole situation was just how sad this guy was. His life (which he recounted to me after we gave up trying to fuck) seemed to have been invaded by this sadness he couldn't make heads nor tail of. He'd spent many years unsuccessfully chasing love from one country to another, from Florida, USA to Santo Domingo, DR. After struggling together as a couple for a long time, him and his girl finally called it quits a few months ago. He had to move out and start life anew elsewhere. This new journey was rough for him and even though he didn't say the words, I could just sense his loneliness. I felt sad leaving his apartment, and felt that way the rest of the day and through the night. It got me thinking about the reasons people fuck. Underneath it all, is it really about loneliness? Is this what propels us to constantly date and fuck? Food for thought...

transfag barebacking

this piece is somewhat of a continuation of an earlier piece i wrote unsafe sex

this piece is about barebacking - fucking without a condom

However I want to be very clear from the start that I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

i do want to talk about it though

so this is how it started. i had been messaging with this guy late one night. hot, muscular guy. that stereotypical gay boy kind of sexy. we had been messaging for a while. he had only been with non trans guys - never been with a trans guy or any other gender for that matter. And he really wanted to try pussy fucking. I was pretty horny and really wanted a hook up.

We kept chatting and the messages were getting me even more turned on. Then he asked if he could fuck me without a condom (this is not an unusual request from guys) he said he was negative, tests regularly, etc. I said no. Safe only. He said yeah he knows but he just wants to feel what it feels like. I say no man sorry we gotta be safe. At which point he says can i just put it in once to see how it feels.

I stop and consider it.

This is when i make a bad decision, i don't know why, maybe i let my hornyness get the better of me, maybe its that i'm a little buzzed, i don't know... I rationalize in my head, well just once, that's low risk, what's the big deal. So I say ok, just once.

He's really close by so i hop on my bike and head over. We chat a little, he is just as hot in person as his pics. I suck him off some and climb on top off him. He is not very aggressive so i'm taking the lead. I guide him into me raw. I'm taking the lead so I own this as all of my own, it definitely becomes more than one stroke, its very hot, and i get lost in it. After a couple of minutes he says he's getting close. I come to my senses enough at this point to stop, grab a condom and slip it over his cock, we fuck a few minutes more before he cums.

I can hear all of what folks are thinking as you're reading this cuz i would think the same thing. This was not a smart thing to do - even though safer sex education does not target trans people and definitely does not target trans guys or gender queers folks - at least in most urban centers safer sex messaging is pretty clear - its safer to use a condom.

I've never met this guy before, I don't know anything about him really, he could be lying about getting tested, even if he isn't there is a window period so unless you get tested and then are abstinent for 3-6 months there is no way to know and most people who are positive don't know it. Not even mentioning other STDs… Yeah, there was no exchange of cum, but there probably was exchange of pre-cum and I’m just lucky that he didn’t try to keep fucking me and was cool with stopping and rubbering up.

While some of it may have been that i really wanted to fuck this guy and was worried he would turn me down if i said no. And i could try and rationalize it to internalized transphobia and low self esteem, which is the reason that the few studies there have been about transfags would give for it, i'm not disagreeing with those studies or disregarding that reality.

Its just that if i really think about it and am honest with myself I don't think that was really it.

I was buzzed at the time so i'm sure that was a factor. However lots of guys have asked to fuck raw before, and some of those times i've been buzzed or even more than buzzed, and I have always said no.

Having come into my own as a gay guy with lots of access to safer sex information fucking a hook up without a condom was something i never even considered. So what happened?

If it had just been the one incident maybe i could have let it got but the thing is that sometime after this particular incident i went through this period where i was taking alot of risks. meaning on more than one occasion i was barebacking - pussy fucking without a condom. it was always with guys i consider regulars, so it was not like my 'let me put it in once guy' who i had never met before and never saw again, this only makes it marginally less risky - but its still very very risky.

the first time was with one of my regulars who i really like beyond fucking and we've been playing around for a couple months now, he asked and i said yes, he says he's negative, he doesn't play around and just got out of a monogamous relationship, somehow i rationalized that all in my head to mean it was ok (though there are countless reasons why its not). i have to admit we fucked raw more than once.

the 2nd time was with a guy who is a nice guy, fun to fuck, he is very gay and plays around some, we've known each other for a couple months as well. we were in the midst of playing around and i told him to put on a condom, he stopped and said "do we have to? i just tested negative last month". i said "well that doesn't mean anything there's a 3 month waiting period" to which he said "i know that's how i test, i've been safe in the last 3 months and its not like i've hooked up with that many guys anyways". Note all this convo is happening with us both naked, him perched over me with his hard cock pointed right at me. I waiver, i really want to, so i say yes, just don't cum inside me, so we fuck raw and its very hot.

so the last time was with a new regular, i like him, but i need to keep reminding him that this is NSA, he says he's neg tested a few months ago, gay, plays around some, we're fucking around and i guide him into me raw, he doesn't ask, i just do it, i want it. he looks at me and says is this ok. i say yeah. we fuck and at various points both of us say we should stop until finally we do before he cums.

the last time was when i realized that i needed to figure out what the hell was going on with me. that was actually when i started working on this piece.

none of it made sense, these guys are regulars, i have no fear of rejection with them in fact, i don't want to sound egotistical but all three of them are very into me, we've fucked before with condoms and i know we will fuck again with condoms. drinking was only a factor with one of them. i wasn't particularly depressed or down. so what the hell was i doing?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while. I know that I feel a great deal of shame about it, clearly I should know better, yet I believe shame and the silence that often follows do not serve anyone well.

If I'm honest with myself i believe the first guys request of just one stroke, then my regulars 'safer' (with very big quotes) sexual histories were a way for me to rationalize doing something I hadn't realized that i wanted so badly - sex without barriers - flesh on flesh - to feel a warm cock stroking me - to feel the skin of a cock inside me.

Let me be very clear I am NOT advocating sex without a condom.

I'm just trying to be honest and real with myself. I'm just trying to figure out how to live safer in the future and the only way i know how is to be real with myself about why i made those decisions.

Audre Lorde said, "Your silence will not protect you". While I'm sure she never considered it being used in this context, I think about this quote when i think about all this.

I believe if i speak this need, this desire that i have, then its real and not shameful. Even if i only speak it to myself.

Once its real, once i acknowledge it and stop hiding behind an image of safety, then i can decide if, when and how to fulfill this desire without putting myself at such high risk, without just giving into this desire at random moments when i can rationalize it in my head.

I'm owning this desire because i need to take care of myself and its the only way i know how.

NOTE: My thinking on the topic of fucking without a condom has been greatly influenced by blogger Brandon Lacy Campos' writing on the subject, particularly this piece,

bareback sex human needs vs condoms

Check out his blog, his analysis, honesty, realness and beauty are inspiring.

Caramel: My "Blue Balls" Story

We were supposed to have coffee, but opted for beers instead. It was a crowded bar and I wanted privacy; I had some questions to ask. Questions about the mechanics of what we were maybe going to do if this first "meeting" went well. See, I think it's important to clarify just how you're going to fuck before the actual event takes place. This is crucial.

Homeboy and I, after we were seated, started talking about the trivial shit we could care less about. He's a student, math major. Okay, that's kinda hot. As a proud, card-carrying nerd, I'm quite into fucking other nerds. Eventually, I just blurted out "so what do you think?" His hazel colored eyes traveled down my face, lingered for a second on my beard, moved down to my chest. "You're a dude" He looked at me then like I was supposed to feel complimented by his assessment.
"I know this. I mean, what are you into sexually?"
"Not dudes," he said and took another swig of his corona.
I grinned then. I don't know why, but there are certain nontrans guys I just love fucking with. The type who'll flirt yet still insist that I'm a girl. The type who'll message me incessantly, anxiously wanting to meet, yet when they encounter the realness of me, and the reality of their attraction to masculine bodies, will throw up some front. Alright. I decided to play along.
"Cool," I responded noncommittally, "then we're just 2 dudes having a beer." That's when he started sharing his "women troubles" with me. Women just don't get him. He was married for 10 years and she did him dirty. He's really into trans women, but responded to my ad out of curiosity.

"Tell me," he segued, "how can you be living as a guy and still be attracted to dudes?"
"I like dick," I responded, making sure to over-enunciate the K. My lightweight ass was beginning to feel the effects of the beer and I'm raunchy as hell when buzzed. "Do you like to perform oral?" he asked without missing a beat. Obviously, the beer was working on him too. "Do you?" I asked back. "Very much so. I'd like to see you without your clothes." I asked him if he was more interested in proving or disproving something else about my gender. "Maybe, but I also just want to see you." He flashed the same seductive smile he'd sported in his pic. The same pic where he'd been shirtless, a doo rag on, and his smooth, caramel-toned torso inspiring thoughts of the X-rated variety.

"Are you into rough stuff?" he continued. The negotiation had started and I was trying my damnest not to let my excitement show; negotiating sex acts is one of my favorite types of conversation. I wanted him to clarify what he meant by "rough". "I'm an aggressive top," he added with a sly grin. Oh yeah, I'm familiar with the type. For nontrans men it may mean they have to make the first move. They have to flip you around, contort you into various positions. They may talk dirty in your ear, pinning you down as they plunge into you. In other words, power - expressing it - turns them on. (I know this may sound scary to some, but power play during sex can be hot. You just have to talk honestly about what you will and won't do.) I'm not into pain and I mentioned this to him. Neither was he.

"You realize that you'll be doing all of this with a dude, right?" I reminded him, after we'd spent a few more minutes listing a few other activities we wanted to try together. He shook his head. "I can't see you that way while we're doing this." What the fuck?! "I see a dude in front of me now, but when we're fucking, in my head you'll be a..." He trailed off then and I knew what he was afraid to say. Shit. That caramel hue, smooth skin, and "fuck me" smile really had me wanting things to go down. But could I do it with a dude who refuses to see me for who and what I am?

I tried to tune out the rest of his rambling and quickly finished my beer. Snatches of his monologue, like "I can host" and "my place isn't far", inadvertently caught my attention. I had to get the hell out of there before my libido continued making decisions for me. I caught the waiter's attention and asked for the bill. "You're ready to go?" He asked. "Yeah, I'm going home, but this has been...nice." He looked surprised then. I said I couldn't sleep with someone who pretended I was someone else. I got up to go and he asked if I was sure about wanting to leave. I looked at him and, god, the lookist in me wanted to sit my ass back down. But I just couldn't let myself go there, so with that I wished him a good night and left.