beautiful

today i met a truly beautiful person.  we had been chatting on and off online for sometime now.  gorgeous black trans woman.  i am her first ftm.  i've done hookups with many genders but mostly non trans guys.

i arrive at her place.  she opens the door and she is as beautiful in person as her pics.  she lets me into her small apartment.  i ask if she lives alone or has roomies.  she says she lives here with her husband.  i pause and say, uhm, he's cool with this right?  she nods and says its fine.  cool.  

she leads me into her bedroom and we sit for a bit chatting on her bed.  she has on a short summer dress.  she leans in and kisses me.  we make out exploring each others bodies.  i am playing with her breasts through her dress.  its making me wet.  i really need them in my mouth.  i pull back and take off my shirt and binder.  she pulls her dress up over her head. i lean in and wrap my lips around her dark nipples.  i ask if she likes that.  she moans a yes.  our bodies are grinding against each other and i can feel that she is as turned on as i am.  we have discussed everything beforehand so she knows that i am all bottom and i know that she likes to use her parts.  

she reaches down and unbuttons my jeans.  i pull them off and lie back now entirely naked on her bed.  she kneels between my legs and blows me.  it feels incredible.  just the right amount of pressure.  i cum quickly.  i sit up and ask her to take of her panties.  she slips them off.  

i really want her in my mouth.  i ask if its ok and she nods.  i wrap my mouth around her.  she moans as i move my mouth up and down.  i ask her if she wants to fuck.  she says yes and i grab a condom and slip it on her.  

i straddle her and slip her inside me.  slowly at first as she is thick.  she feels amazing.  she says, 'wow' as i ride her.  we fuck slowly at first.  taking our time.  kissing and feeling each others bodies.  i say 'you are so beautiful' as we fuck.  then i ride her faster and harder until i cum.  she calls me baby as we fuck.  she turns me over onto my back and we fuck missionary.  then she raises my legs to her shoulders and her strokes become harder and faster.  i'm gonna cum she says.  i feel her pulsing inside me.  so hot.  

afterwards we chat a little on her bed.  she sits with her knees pulled up, legs crossed, her arms wrapped around her legs.  i am clear that she could easily kick my ass as she is probably at least twice my size if not more and it is very clear she can take care of herself, however i feel this incredible vulnerability from her.  i'm not sure what's going on with me but its bringing out this extreme protectiveness on my part.  its like i want to make sure she is ok, that her husband treats her right, that no one ever messes with her, that she is safe and well in all her beauty, strength and vulnerability.  if i could make myself into a human protective bubble i would.

however we just met.  she has a husband and this is just a hookup.  after a bit i tell her i should get going.  she walks me to the door and we kiss good bye.  

boundaries

As those who follow this blog know I have been in a very NSA (no strings attached) place – I have not been interested in dating or relationships at all. There are many reasons for this decision its enough to say that I have been very happy and content in this place. At this point it is going on over 3 years at least. At some point in the midst of this period one of my regulars turned into an open casual dating situation and that was fun for a bit but I eventually returned to my NSA place.

Recently, like a week or two ago, my best friend convinced me to give dating a go. I'm in a different place in my life now and decided – what the hell, why not. This has led to some interesting adventures that I may write about at some point. However it also led to a pretty big personal realization.

With women identified and trans/gnc folks I don't assume that we are going to fuck on the first date, but I also don't assume that we won't. However when it gets physical I proceed with clear lines of consent and I also don't assume that just because we are making out we are going to end up fucking. I ask as normally the other person does as well what's ok and what's not ok to do to their body prior to and during fucking. For me this comes from my understanding as a trans/gnc previously female identified person of all the violence and boundary crossing our bodies face and the complicated relationship many of us have to our bodies and sex.

However when it comes to non trans gay guys all of that goes out the window. I assume that sex and fucking and being physical happen quickly once you meet. With non trans gay guys once its gone down that physical road I assume that we are going to fuck. I mean there is definitely some level of pre conversation around safety, testing and top/bottom/vers type thing but that's about it. I assume that if we are making out we are going to fuck and that its ok for me to touch his body and touch and suck his cock (I don't rim/do anal play with guys).

Clearly this is not ok and these are huge assumptions.

But it took me quite some time to realize what I was doing. I was on a 2nd date with a guy who I was definitely into and he invited me over to his place after the bar. We started kissing and making out on his couch. And then it was like I just went into auto pilot mode. I started to take off his shirt and he stopped me and said I'm not sure if I want to fuck yet can we just make out. 'sure man, we don't have to fuck' I said. So we proceeded to make out for a bit then he said we should go to the bedroom. Long story short we ended up having some oral play but he stopped it at that.

Reflecting on that nite when I woke up in his bed the next morning I felt like shit. I realized that I never asked him if it was ok for me to touch his body in the ways I did. I was definitely being very sexually aggressive in ways that make me uncomfortable as I felt like I went into autopilot, I just assumed we were gonna fuck and was being very aggressive in moving in that direction. We checked in about it all the next morning and then again on our next date and no boundaries were crossed, but the idea that I could have was really really scary to me and a big reality check.

I've been trying to understand why I would act so extremely different with non trans guys. These are the thoughts that have run through my head – 

• the ways that casual sex and hookups seem like just a regular part of gay male culture at least the one I live in, 
• that while non trans gay guys definitely experience sexual violence and abuse women and/or trans and gnc folks are more highly impacted due to patriarchy, homophobia, and transphobia, 
• the lack of physical boundaries on a casual level that I have experienced in gay male spaces i.e. many times in clubs or other spaces some non trans gay guys (particularly but not only non trans) have few physical boundaries and feel its ok to touch and grope at will other guys. 

 All of this is probably part of it however in the end it doesn't really matter why – i'm just glad I realized it in time to make some shifts.

cock before breakfast

sometimes i wake up really early for no reason.  i normally need to be up by 7am or so.  however sometimes i wake up at 4am, 5am, 6am and i'm just wide awake.

today i woke up at about 5am and couldn't go back to sleep and i was feeling really horny so i logged onto the sites.  pretty quickly some dude hit me up.  cute scruffy white guy.  after a few quick messages he says he can come over.  he lives close by so will be there soon.  i'm still lying in bed so i make a quick trip to the bathroom to at least wash my face, rinse my mouth.

he is there quickly.  i believe he just rolled out of bed also.  to be honest i don't really remember what he looks like, i would not recognize him if i saw him again, we didn't exchange names.  we say a quick good morning and both strip.

i kneel down and take his cock into my mouth.  he's an average size not huge not small.  he reaches down and plays with my nipples as i blow him.  he is hard quickly and i pull back, grab a condom and lie back on the bed.  he kneels between my legs, slips the condom on and pushes into me slowly.  he fucks me missionary his hips thrusting into me.  slow hard thrusts.  he holds my hands above my head as he fucks me.  after a while he's fucking me faster and harder and he says he's getting close.  i tell him to cum for me.  he cums hard shooting inside me.

he rolls off me and i get up to pee.  we chat a bit as he gets dressed, he has a deep sexy voice, i thank him and say 'that's exactly what i needed this morning', he says 'me too' and then heads out the door.

valuing each other

recently i've gotten myself in a bit of a relationship.  my NSA status has shifted somewhat.  this was entirely unintended on my part.  a regular hook up became a frequent regular became a casual dating situation.  the boy is mad sexy in a skinny, twinkish brown boy kind of way, not my usual cup of tea i like a little more meat on a boy but so be it.  we have absolutely nothing in common except that we have incredible sexual chemistry and we have fun together.  he definitely is more into me than i am into him and is up front with me about it as i am up front with him about how i feel.

he is a stereotypical gay boy queen - into fashion, partying and fucking and having gotten to know this person for some time i can say with relative certainty that's about it.  don't get me wrong he cares for me, his friends, chosen and blood family but the ongoing state of war, violence and injustice in the world is not something that even crosses his mind.  no judgement intended - i don't understand it - its not a way i live and move in the world.   i get where the creation of this bubble comes from though - very few of us trans and queers of color have lived without struggle - and we all manage it in different ways of which all are valid.

we generally have a lot of fun together despite our differences.  of course as would go with someone you are dating, even casually things happen and you hurt each other.  i would say we've been good about being up front with each other when this happens and in every instance the other has apologized with little defensive and tried to be accountable.  what i've come to realize recently though is that this is not what i want.  i can have amazing, hot incredible sex with someone regardless of politic or how they move through the world.  i can have interesting conversation with people who don't give a shit about the state of the world but are good people, interesting people, even people i do not share politic with.

however if it moves beyond just fucking i've come to realize i need more.  i need some shared politic, doesn't have to mean they live and die for the movement, but i need an understanding that the world is a fucked up place and that its not ok and something should be done about it.  and i need someone to be passionate about something, care about something beyond fucking and partying.  that's where i landed recently and had decided to think on it but was pretty much gonna let the boy know that this was never going to go beyond casual dating and that while sad i understood if this meant it needed to end.

then also recently, seperately but perhaps connected in ways i have not fully processed, i got very very drunk and did and said some things that crossed his boundaries unintentionally, not of course that it matters, as i still did it, and for this i feel ashamed.  then he told me about how his friends, a crew of non trans gay boys, mostly of color, could not wait to know what had happened as it had been a bit of a public situation.  and this pushed me over the edge.  some of it was my own anger at myself, of course, but just pointed to another issue while i believe his friends care and love him and each other they take joy in putting down others and in other people's drama and i've told him many times that is something i cannot get with - don't laugh at her because her make up is messy, you don't know what she's been through, to me i see strength, beauty and pride (or challenge myself to do so) not someone to laugh and make fun of.

i also started to think about things that had caused conflict, his friends range of isms and my complicitness in it.  i started to feel like fuck this dude.  i'm done with this.  i know that some of this came from my own shame and anger at myself but i also know some of it was real.

then i read this piece by this incredible activist - mia mingus about how we treat each other as queer pocs.  and it made me stop and think.

how can i do right by this person.  how can i be honest about where i'm at in a way that does the least amount of harm yet is honest and real yet caring.  while this brown gay boy and i need to change how we are in relationship with each other i value and care about him.  how can i hold this moment of connection, of community and of relationship in a way that does not feed into all the negative messages that we all receive as queers of color seeking to move through this world

the body builder

i just got home from the gym and was feeling frisky.  dude hit me up on one of the sites. i didn't look to closely at his stats, but saw that he is a body builder.  hot.  we arrange to meet up in half an hour.  i do some random stuff around the house then grab my supplies and hop on my bike.  i get to his place and realize this guy is humongous.  he says he is 6'4 or 6'6 or something around there and weighs 270 pounds of which i would say the majority is muscle.  he gives me a big bear hug saying 'you are so cute'.  as he hugs me my face ends up somewhere between his belly and his chest.  his chest is so broad it seems like it would take at least 3 of me to make up his width.  he says he is off season right now so not to be frightened next time i see him as he will be even bigger.

he leads me into his apartment and asks where i want to fuck.  i motion towards his bedroom.  i climb up on his bed which is quite high up.  he kisses me pushing his hand down my pants and sliding his thick fingers into me.  i moan as he strokes me.  then he pulls out his cock.

now i've done some big dicks before (i couldn't get it in) but this was ridiculous.  it was not very long maybe 6, but it was the thickest cock i have ever seen.  probably about an orange in thickness, think sunkist not organic.  he pushes my head towards his cock and i give it my best go but really can only somewhat suck on the head.  i pull back and hand him a condom which i already know is going to be way to small.  i lube him up well.  i ask if i can be on top and he says he doesn't like to do it that way so i say cool, just go real slow, and lay back.

he puts the head to my cunt and begins to push in.  his cock is stretching me painfully and i guide his pace until i can take him.  then he begins to fuck me.  pushing his thick cock into me.  its slightly painful and really good all at once.  he fucks me faster his massive body slamming between my thighs.  i go as long as i can and then it just hurts.  i stop him.  he asks what's wrong.  i say, 'dude you are fucking huge!' he says 'but you have such a nice tight pussy'.  i say 'i think you are gonna have to jerk off man i'm sorry'.  i say 'if you let me ride you i may be able to take more, i can take more on top'.

he says ok and lies back.  i climb on top of him.  i slowly slide him in just the head at first until i can take it all.  then i ride him.  it feels incredible.  i'm able to take him all and it feels amazing his cock stretching me my clit rubbing against him.  i place my hands on his massive chest and milk his cock, rocking up and down his thickness.  he moans.  i ride him faster and harder.  i'm gonna cum he growls.  fuck yeah i say riding him hard until he groans and shoots inside me.

i roll of him and curl up on the bed for second, worn out.  then i pull myself together, clean up, thank him and hop back on my bike.

nice guy - invisible trans allies

its friday and i have the day off.  for once i have absolutely nothing that i have to do except i want to hit the gym.  i'm feeling a bit frisky so i get on a couple of the sites.  a couple of dudes hit me up but no one who is available right now and/or interesting to me.  then a dude hits me up, no pic but he sends me a couple as he messages me, he's attractive, not hot but attractive.  dom verbal top and he is available soon.  perfect.  we arrange to meet in two hours which gives me enough time to hit the gym first.

i'm back from the gym and dude shows up soon after.  he mostly looks like his pic which is cool.  i'm looking for a hit and split type of situation not looking to chat much.  i'm his first trans guy.  we exchange a few usual pre fuck how are you's then get right to it.  he has an average cock which is perfect cuz i did a really big thick dude the other day and don't think i can do it again.  we kiss and he plays with my nipples.  we strip to our drawers and he motions to his cock.  i pull out his cock and take him into my mouth.  he's not hard so i suck him off, love the feeling of a cock growing in my mouth.

once he's hard he pushes me back on the bed.  i pull down my briefs and he sucks me off.  he's good, not great but good.  he pulls back and spreads my legs.  i stop him and grab a condom.  he pushes into me.  slowly as i take the full length of him moaning.  he fucks me slow at first, long slow strokes, then he's pounding into me my legs on his shoulders.  he turns me over and fucks me doggie, pushing my head into the bed as he fucks me hard and rough.  i can only do so much doggie so i stop him and ride him.  my cunt milking his cock til i cum then he cums soon after shooting inside me.

this was a good fuck.  not spectacular but good.  afterwards we are just chatting over a beer.  he tells me he is 40 something, born in argentina, lived in the states most of his life, doesn't have a boyfriend right now. and then he tells me about his 'nephew' who is trans (male to female).  at first i'm turned of that he keeps using male pronouns for this person and i try to correct him.  

he has only met this person two or three times and doesn't know the name this person uses now but he tells me how his brother often calls him to discuss his 'nephew'/niece.  he tells me how he constantly corrects them when they call this person gay and explains that they are trans and straight.

he tells me about how he tells his brother over and over that he needs to be there for his child, that god does not create anything that is wrong and that his child is a child of god, that he needs to show compassion and show love and get his child the medical care so they can transition to a woman.  now i'm not religious at all but i'm feeling alot of love for this dude. his niece likely has no idea that she has an uncle advocating for her as they have barely even met.

i say to him, you are a really good guy and your niece is lucky to have you.

he cleans up and we part with a quick kiss.

mr sweat

NOTE:  Hookups are inherently risky - this piece is about a hook up that reminded me of that in case you want to skip it.  

I had hooked up with two of my regulars on Saturday. One in the afternoon who's a quick fun hook up and then the other at night who i really like and is a much longer experience....

Its now Sunday afternoon and I'm tired. However, I'm just surfing the sites to see what's going on when a cutie hits me up.  and he is not far away.  i head over.  he is a big guy which i couldn't really tell from his pics but is ok with me.  we get to it right away.  he has porn playing on his laptop.  we both strip.  i kneel between his legs and blow him.  i grab a condom and slide it on. he's big and rough.  pushes into me hard, pounds his hips into me, its hot, but then he starts to sweat.  i don't mind sweat.  i mean everyone sweats.  but this is ridiculous.  he is on top of me and the sweat is pouring off him and dripping all over me, on my face, into my mouth.  its too much.  i stop him and push him onto his back.  i ride him til we both cum.

i roll off him and lay back for a second catching my breath.  we chat for a few while we recover and then i say i have to go.  he says 'ah, already' and starts kissing me rolling his sizable body on top of me.  i can feel that he is hard again.  but i'm done.  i stop him and just say 'nah man i really gotta go'.  he grinds his hips into me, i feel his hard cock on my stomach and says 'are you sure?'.  i say 'yeah man'.  there is a moment when i think 'what if he doesn't get off, dude is so much bigger than me...'  however, instead he grabs me in a huge bear hug and says 'ok' and rolls off me.

i've been really fortunate (knock on wood) exploring the world of anonymous play.  no one has forced me to do anything i did not want to.  in most cases if things were to go awry just the pure physical size of my hookups versus my small frame put me at a major disadvantage especially when im buck naked.  while this dude had no intention of forcing me to do anything, that moment when i thought 'what if he doesn't get off me' was a reminder of my vulnerability.