"No blacks. No fems.": Hooking up and Black/Femme-phobia

Disclaimer: In this post I mainly focus on black-phobia because that's the type of racism I can speak to the most, however I recognize that racism plays out in many ways for different races on these sites. This piece speaks to my experiences as a black man of African descent, and not necessarily those of black people of other descents or ethnicities.

"I'm a masculine guy and I like the same. No fems! Into whites and Latinos. Not into Blacks. (Sorry no offense)." I looked at the picture next to the profile, which showed only the torso of what was obviously a white guy. A hooking-up newbe, I'd been perusing this sex site for a couple weeks, barely able to get a bite. By now I'd seen enough "no femmes" and "not into feminine dudes" warnings in numerous profiles to get wise to the fact that the more masculine you looked, the more ass you got. The race issues I noticed during my initial introduction was also jarring, when, in retrospect, they really shouldn't have been all that surprising. It quickly became obvious to me that the hook up scene, because of the anonymity it affords, is where oppressive attitudes and ideas about race, gender, and bodies, play out in the most unabashed way.

Signing up for an a4a account was one of my first declarative steps into the nsa/hook up scene. I was newly on hormones (again). Newly out as a transfag - a trans man who is attracted to other trans and nontrans men. I wanted to explore my sexual attraction for nontrans men in particular. Meeting nontrans men in real life proved to be difficult, since they were usually put off by my, then, gender ambiguity. I ventured into the world of a4a and manhunt because I liked the straightforwardness of these sites - you meet someone, message for a short bit, and eventually fuck if your interests are aligned. After my first few times perusing, I was blown away. So many profiles were like warped responses to gay male stereotyping around manhood; phrases like "no fems" or "I'm a masculine man. You be the same," abound. I noticed a lot of black and brown men included these phrases in their profiles. On one level, this rejection of femininity was demoralizing, especially for a black trans man who was already grappling with notions of masculinity: what it meant and how to authentically express it.

At the same time, I wasn't that far into my transition and I was encountering men who saw me as a feminine boy and were drawn to me for that reason. I remember messaging this one white guy for a period of time. He was married, lived somewhere in the suburbs and wanted me to come over when his wife was out of town. I looked at this guy's picture, and, yeah, he was hot. He had that blue collar, salt of the earth thing. I was really into guys like that. Guys with big, hulking frames. Muscles and hair. Large hands and thick cocks. After I unveiled my body pics, he became more interested. "I like really feminine boys," he messaged back. I froze. Feminine? Me? That was certainly not how I saw myself. Was this reaction femme-phobic on some level? Does the fact that I'm mostly attracted to tough-looking and growly dudes make me complicit in all the sexist shit I see on these sites? These questions still plague me endlessly. I notice that every time a guy rejects me, saying or implying that I'm not masculine enough, I run to the gym in a bid to make my muscles bigger and more pronounced.

The many manifestations of racism on the sites are staggering. There are your profiles riddled with ridiculously racist language, where the authors clearly want nothing to do with dark skin. These typically have qualifiers like "Latinos & Asians preferred". The shameless ones, however, do away with subtleties, opting instead for clear warnings like "No blacks". Manhunt is particularly bad. First of all, it's a white-heavy site. Secondly, you have to pay for unlimited access, which means men on that site tend to come from middle-class, or higher, backgrounds. I lost count of the many "no blacks" profiles, posted by both white guys and many of men of color. Black-fetishism, I noticed, was another offshoot of racism. As my physical transformation progressed and I started passing more as a dude, there were some interesting reactions to the complexities of my racial and gender identities. Sometimes white guys will hit me up, wanting me to fulfill their Mandingo fantasies about being fucked silly by a black man. More often than not, these guys just looked at my body pic and neglected to read my profile (where it says I'm trans). 8 times out of 10, revealing the truth about my gender sent them scurrying.

So why do I keep going to these sites? Well, there's nothing wrong or dirty about wanting to fuck and/or be fucked. How you seek this out, as long as its consensual for all the parties involved, is and should be your choice. Amidst all the fucked up-ness around race and gender, I've had some amazing encounters with folks I've met on the sites, some I'm still in contact with. NSA sex is where I'm at, currently. I'm going to explore this without shame and with my fully eyes open. Sadly, the hook up scene isn't the only place where blackness is demonized or femininity feared. I have no real insights on how to not internalize this, but constant self-reflection helps. Frank conversations with friends who have a low-tolerance for bullshit helps, as well as not judging yourself harshly when you realize you carry around some of this baggage.

my first time

I had seen his ad on Craigslist something along the lines of bio guy looking for an ftm. I had just started exploring the world of anonymous play with non trans guys, but had yet to actually do a hookup. I had been surfing the net a lot – reading mystery fag and transfag blogs which are hot if you have not read them check them out. I also had read the safer sex for trans guys guide a ridiculous amount of times. Nerd that i am i had done my homework.

I had posted on Craigslist and gotten a lot of response, a few interesting, a few creepy, and a lot in between. I was on Manhunt and Adam4Adam but in a very tentative kind of way which for me looked like a clothed pic and blurry face pics and a profile that didn’t say much. I had chatted with some guys, but I had yet to set something up.

His ad said he’d been with trans guys before so I decided to message him. He responded right away and we exchanged pics. He was cute, late 20’s or so, black guy, skinny. We chatted for a while exchanging a lot of emails. So he said when you want to meet. I was pretty nervous about it all, but there really wasn’t anymore to say via email, I put it off for a bit, but then decided to just go for it and we set a date.

That night I put on a cute outfit, made sure I was bound up (i used to worry that because i have not had top surgery it would turns guys off but that has not been an issue so far), trying to look as 'guy' like as possible, I headed out. I was nervous but excited.

When I was a few blocks from his place I texted him, he said he would meet me outside. I got to his place. He looks different than I expected, extra skinny, very gay, not my kind of hot, but not unattractive, he just got off work so has on a button up and slacks. I say stupid nervous stuff as we head up to his apartment. He takes me to his room which is incredibly neat. We sit on his bed and chat about random stuff. Then he says you are way cuter than your pictures. I just smile.

He leans in and kisses me. We kiss for a while, he is a really good kisser. He's very confident which i like, he unbuttons my shirt and pulls of my top and binder and unbuttons my pants, I pull them off and help him with his. I’ve been pussy fucked before, but never with a live cock. I’m nervous.

As a result, I don’t remember a whole lot about the fucking except that it was good and not long but not short and that there were some hot moments. I also let him fuck me in the ass which was incredibly painful and a little messy which I felt embarrassed about but he didn’t care. The ass fucking wasn’t particularly enjoyable and I know that at the time I did it because I felt I needed to in order to fuck gay boys.

After we fucked, we chatted more about our lives, he kept saying how hot i was, how sexy I am, how he’s sure I can get any guy I want. It was a definite ego boost. As I’m getting up to go he asks if I want to see him again, he says be honest, I’m not sure but say yes.

Heading home, I stop at a coffee shop to use the bathroom and clean up. I don’t know yet to just ask to use the bathroom and rinse off before I leave a hookup. My ass is sore, I feel like I smell like sex, I clearly need a shower. To be honest while I would like to say I was totally happy and excited, I remember mostly feeling glad that I hadn’t been killed, robbed or made to do things I didn’t want – basically I remember feeling sticky, sore and relieved that I had finally done it.

I got home, showered, and made some food. Once I was feeling a little more together I remember smiling to myself – I felt good in my body – good that I had overcome my fear and nervousness, good that I had taken control of my sexuality in a way I had not before, good to be desired and considered hot and sexy, just good in all off my little transboy gayness.

New Adventures on Craigslist

Woke up early on a Sunday morning because I couldnt' sleep and I wanted to check my email. Yesterday, I'd posted a craigslist ad, mostly because adam4adam was dry and my roommate had recently posted an ad, so I thought, why not. Check out my ad:

Title:
What Are You Into?

Body:
Tongues, dicks, fingers, clits, cum, wet, bites, nipples, pussy, cocks, bind, ass, tight, strap.
What are you into? I can be the bottom to your top.
I can top if the idea of being fucked with a strap on turns you on.
I'm a transguy of color, female-to-male, born with female anatomy yet look and live as a dude. Hit me up if any of this appeals to you.

What do you think? Cheesy? Well, probably, but responses came in torrents. I was surprised. I hadn't placed an ad in a while, and the last two I posted resulted in exactly zero hook ups. I don't know what happened there. Maybe I wasn't particularly inspired by the ones I got. Or they weren't particularly inspired by my picture. Either way each of those two times was a complete and utter waste of energy and time. But this time was different. I got some interesting ones right away. I started messaging this one dude who purported to be the bearer of a delicious looking 12 inch (chocolate brown) cock. He sent me pictures and everything. His face was pretty tempting too. Nice round face, smooth bald head, hot smile. We texted for a bit. I was all set to pack up my safe sex supplies and go meet him till he told me where he lived. Damn, talk about far. I asked myself, would I travel that far for sex? That little devil that inhabits one shoulder (or both on reckless days) whispered, he has 12 inches, into my ear. That was all it took. I had my day planned out. I'd go meet Mr. 12 inche-r at 7 or 8p then we'd see where things would go from there. As I sat around the apartment, savoring my midday (creamy and sugary as hell) coffee, my favorite, bestest, most fuckable, fuck buddy of all time texted me. He was butt naked, in bed, hard as rock, and wishing I was lying naked next to him. I looked at the clock. It was 2:52pm. I could be showered and out the door in 20 to 30 mins. Play for a short bit with my best fb, and then swing over to new guy's place and I'd have quite a day to brag about. So 30 minutes later, I'm boarding the train. About 20 minutes after that I knock on his door. He opens it and this mofo is truly butt-ass naked! He pulls me in and starts to kiss and grind on me. I'm still wearing my jacket, bag, etc. He's long tongue is dragging on my neck, he's quickly unbuckling my belt, pushing his fingers into me. My hand is sliding to his hard dick and I'm palming the head, which is already slick. And...I never made it to new guy's place. Hours later, I wobble home with a big dopey grin on my face.

New guy wasn't too pleased with my last minute flakiness. I'm determined to meet up with him today (Sunday) though, so I've added him to my sunday to-do list...no pun intended. There are other possibilities too. Like the dude who said he's a cross dresser, but only dresses up for a select few and, of course, himself. And the other guy, who I shall refer to as "the Russian" because in his response he added "I want you to fuck me with your strap on. Ps. I'm Russian.". They both want to bottom and I'm inclined to make their wishes come true. I don't know why, but I'm more and more interested in topping again. The other guys who respond to my ad are either verses (some are wanna-be verses. Never bottomed before, but curious) or strict tops. I'm less interested in the strict tops, but we'll see. So my goal for this week is to get fucked by Mr. 12 incher on Sunday, fuck the self-identified cross dresser and/or the Russian during the week, and get into some verse-type situations with a couple others. Oh and there's also work! Anyways, check back reader as I'll be posting updates, reflections, and all the smutty details.

My Ode to Tops (Short)

I've been playing with this guy for a while now, about two months, which is a record for me. I just want to take a minute to acknowledge and give props to all you trans and nontrans tops who know what the f you're doing.

We met on one of the sites and I've written about him before (see Tall, Dark, n' lovely). The first night we hooked up I think we were surprised at how sexually compatible we were. At the time, I was starting to feel less like topping, and had had a number of anal/pussy-fucking experiences that increased my interests in bottoming. Since that fateful night we first hooked up, we can't seem to get enough of each other. Whenever I see him we fuck for hours and I leave his apartment feeling so sated in ways I never thought possible. One night he fucked me in the ass by his front door. The idea that his aunt could walk in any moment fueled the fucking, while terrifying us at the same time. After that, he took me into his bathroom where I held onto the shower curtain rod, wrapped my legs around his waist as he entered me again. That was one of the wildest sex nights I've had in a long time. I don't think there was any corner of that apartment we didn't fuck in. (Well, except for his aunt's room of course...that would be weird.) This guy takes topping to a whole new level. And his stamina...my god. I know from experience, it's hard work to be a good top - one who can switch it up on you again and again. I've topped before and enjoyed the hell out of it. I'm definitely committed to publishing pieces from this phase of my sexual life, because I think trans dudes who like to top nontrans dudes need more visibility. (I remember the first time I found a guy's g-spot. Homeboy came so hard, I was actually a little worried at first...) But every time this dude does shit to me, I stand up and take notice 'cuz this mf has skillz. So to all you hardworking pipe layers out there, regardless of whether your pipe of choice is your t-cock, fingers, clit, cock, pussy, strap-on, tongue, etc., thank you for your inclination, your creativity, and your stamina!

"Bring Your Strap"

"I'm FTM friendly," was the last sentence in his profile, which I read after he'd hit me up a couple times. He unlocked his private pics.
His eyes. I noticed them first. Liquid brown. Then I noticed his ass.
"Nice ass," I messaged back.
We went back and forth for a bit. His boyfriend was away for a couple of hours, so he could host, which worked perfectly for me.
"I'm pretty verse, but today I just wanna get fucked," he replied after I'd messaged that I had no interest in bottoming. He invited me over then. "Bring your strap," he added and so I did.

He was a short, bearish looking dude. Shaved head. Tanned skin. Broad shoulders and back. I could make out the contours of his belly through his hoodie. He was all gruff when he came out of his basement apartment to get me. He gave me a hand shake coupled with the shoulder grab. I followed him in. His one bedroom apartment was tiny. There was the bed, the dresser, a tv and a laptop. My eyes quickly took it all in and ended back on the bed. It looked soft.

"Let me give you the nickle cent tour," he said. The gruff demeanor had melted into something slightly jovial and mildly sensual. I felt tense like I usually do at first. This was a new one. My 2nd this week. He walked me down some stairs. The kitchen was smaller than the bedroom and the bathroom came next in the tour. I gave the obligatory "ooh" and "ah". As I turned around to head back to the bedroom, he grabbed my waist and pulled me roughly to him. My back to his front. His mouth to my neck. Teeth. Tongue. Licks. Just like that we began.

Back in his bedroom as he pulled of his hoodie he asked me to get comfortable. Curly brown hairs covered his chest. The sweat pants came off next. He sat back on the bed, looking at me as I slowly undressed. I felt shy, which was so uncharacteristic of me. Maybe it was the unexpected way he'd grabbed me earlier. Or the rough bites on my neck. I stripped and crawled onto the bed. We kissed for a while. Tongue on tongue, lips pulling on lips. I lay on top of him, his hands on my back, massaging, caressing, then they slid down to my ass. He grabbed hand fulls and I ground into his crotch. He grinned then ducking down, biting and sucking on my neck. Gently at first, then firmer.

We fondle each other for a while. I get up to put on my strap. Today I've brought Terrence, my 8 inch brown beauty. Nice large head. Veins that feel almost real running down the length of it. A good amount of thickness. I like to see my cock disappear into a dude's mouth and re-emerge wet. I climb back on and make my way over to him, kneeling by his head, my cock pushing on his lips. He parts them and I watch him suck me off loudly. The sounds fill the room. I like absolute silence when a dude is blowing me. I only want to hear the sounds of me going in and out of his mouth. This guy runs his tongue around the head, then takes most of me in. We get a good rhythm going and the sucking sounds are erotic as hell. A movement catches my eye and I notice his hand wrapped around his dick, jerking furiously. I place one hand on his forehead, gently caressing. He wraps his free hand around my ass and draws me closer, taking almost my entire cock in. From time to time, his eyes catch and hold mine.

Later, pinning his knees to his chest, I fuck him with deep, quick strokes. I'm bending over him, my face by his, tonguing and sucking on his ear. He holds onto me tightly, saying shit like "yeah boy, just like that." My lips cover his and our tongues do their thing. We moan into each other's mouth and it's all so fucking hot. He grunts and I can tell he's close. "Oh fuck," he gasps "right there." My entire cock is buried in him. One quick stroke and his face contorts and reddens. His whole body spasms underneath me. His skin gets warmer and then he comes, powerfully, in spurts I can feel hitting my stomach.

Feedback from a reader

"First of all, let me say that your blog is AWESOME. You two are some kick ass dudes, your openness is blowing my mind and making me feel so much better about feeling sexy as a transman. Thank you.

I wanted to ask a question, if that's okay, and the question is: are all the guys you two hook up with interested in pussy?
See, I would like to have the sort of hook ups you two have, but having vaginal sex is an absolute NOOOOOO for me. I just hate it. No guy that wants to put his penis in that hole is getting in my bed. So maybe you guys could tell me, from experience, how that would impact my ability to hook up as a transman? Is the fact that I have a pussy the main thing that men who hook up with FtM's are looking for? Is that what they want? Or are they likely to be just as okay and just as attracted to having anal/oral/strap-on sex without my pussy being involved? Feel free to be honest, harsh even, I love the way you two do not hide the ugly facts of life" - Ren Ren

TQ's response:

Thanks Ren Ren for your thoughtful feedback. My co-blogger rarely does anal, which actually makes it harder to hook up with nontrans gay guys some of whom seem like they are afraid of pussy. In fact, he's been turned down a number of times by guys for this reason.

I've played with guys (gay, queers, and others who identify as straight) who are into anal-play and strap-on fucking. I know our stories on the blog haven't necessarily reflected these experiences, so we'll be posting more on these experiences in the future. In fact, check back Wednesday (January 5th) night for the first of these.

my army guy - about an orgasm

I had hooked up with this guy before, for a while he was one of my regulars, gay, white, working class, used to be in the army, in his 40’s, big tall guy, I wanna say more than 6 feet, 200 something lbs, big and strong, a bears build but with incredibly smooth skin. He has a stunningly beautiful face, just striking, like when he was younger he was one of those shirtless boys on the cover of gay mags, however he looks and dresses like the guy next door mowing his lawn on weekends - Bermuda style shorts, short sleeve button up that stretches over his belly, flip flops.

He’s also a real sweetie. I love big burly ultra masculine guys who are sweethearts.

He sent me a text earlier in the week where he said he wanted to tell me something but didn’t know how to say it in a respectful way (I’m his first trans guy) to which I said just say it no worries. So he said in his entire lifetime he’s only had sex with two women before me or something to that effect… I can feel everyone cringing as you read this, however like I said he’s a total sweet heart and I know he respects my gender, I can tell he’s just struggling with words. So I just say well you know I’m a guy… he said yeah, of course, so I say each trans guy is different but for me you can say I’m only the third pussy you’ve ever fucked unless that’s too crude for you... Then he actually repeats it back to me via text – third pussy I’ve fucked. Totally made me smile. Very teachable.

Anyways onto the fucking cuz that's what this piece is really about.

So I get to his place and he starts kissing me as soon as i walk through the door. I can feel his hard on through his shorts, I'm very turned on. However, he wants to take a shower before we fuck so I decide to join him. His shower is real old school where there is just a shower head and drain in the floor of the bathroom – no stall or tub. This set up makes it extra hot, I’ve never been in a bathhouse but its what I imagine one would be like. We play around some, soaping each other up, I suck him off a bit, then this huge guy, kneels down before me on the old white tile floor and sucks me off, I place my hand on his head as he blows me – shower blow jobs – very hot. We dry off and head to his room.

He lies down on the bed and I climb on top of him, i say climb because that's how big he is. We kiss for a long time – he is an incredible kisser. He flips me over and sucks my nipples then tongues my clit for a while until its too much and I push him off. I put his cock in my mouth, he is already hard as I wrap my lips around his dick, he has a beautiful cock and I go at him for a bit, taking him down my throat, he groans.

He pulls me off and grabs a condom, I lube him up. He lies back and lifts me on top of him, I guide him into me, he's big and thick so i have to go slow at first, just the head until I can take more, he moans as my cunt finally fully encases his cock, I ride him for a while loving the look of pleasure on his face, then he turns me over, fucks me for a while in a couple different position until he lays me on my back puts my legs on his shoulders and as he's stroking says he's gonna cum, I tell him 'cum for me baby' and he starts pounding his full weight into me, until finally he shoots cumming inside me. so hot.

All the while we are fucking he keeps saying how amazing and sexy I am.

We rest for a bit, curled up together, he's a great cuddler. We chat some about our lives, then he starts talking politics, this is when i wish he would stop talking, he's a total conservative. I quickly change the subject - i'm here cuz you're a sweetie and amazing in bed - I don't want to get into your problematic political views.... thankfully, we talk about other random things then he kisses me and i can feel that he's hard again.

He begins fingering my nipples then put his lips around one, sucking until its erect, all the while he's playing with my clit, i moan wanting him badly, he says i just want to make you feel good. i tell him to get a condom and I pull him on top of me. He slowly pushes into me, then begins fucking me missionary style. He fucks me like this for a while and he's stroking me just right... in that way where his cock is filling me up and his body is rubbing my clit just hard enough. I’m glad no one else is home because between the banging of the bed and both of our moans we are being very loud.

He fucks me like this for a long time, our bodies pressed closely together and I can feel that i'm getting close to cumming, i wrap my arms around him, well as far as they'll go, and say into his ear 'don't stop'. he keeps going, stroking me harder and grinding his body against my clit and i'm losing it at this point, i'm raising my hips to meet each stroke, our fucking is frantic, i just keep saying 'don't stop' and he doesn't, as I start to cum his cock plunging deep inside me I hold him even tighter until my body literally explodes, i don't even know what i'm doing as i simultaneously clutch at him and push him away, one of the most incredible orgasms i've ever had.

He’s still fucking me and I can’t take it anymore, i tell him to stop, he stops immediately and looks at me concerned asks if I’m ok, if he hurt me, I shake my head and smile, ‘no man that was amazing’, funny thing about alot of gay boys they have no idea when your cumming. Anyways, he’s still hard, asks if i need to rest, and I do, but i want him to cum too so i shake my head turn around and he fucks me doggy style, its starting to be too much again and i'm about to tell him i can't anymore when he groans and collapses on top of me.

We lie like that for a while, then i move out from under him and put my head on his chest and we just rest.

Then i have to go. As i'm heading out the door I kiss him goodbye and he says please text me so i know you got home safe. I say you're such a sweetie. to which he says, "well we have to look out for each other because no one else will". bad politics and all I can't help but like this guy.