transfags of color are not "at risk"

so i just had some amazingly hot sex with this hot, sexy dude, guy of color, a bit of a cub, but that's for another piece...  our last post didn't have alot of fucking and neither does this one so I included links to some older fuck pieces for those who require them : )

part of all this anonymous play for me is a commitment to getting tested regularly. i prefer to get tested for hiv and stds every three months, but definitely at least every 6 months.

so it had been six months since i last got tested. the last time i got tested i went in because i had this sore throat that would not go away, figured i had strep or something. my regular doctor was not available so i had to see someone else. He took one look at me and asked if i've been having unprotected sex. I assume what he saw is a young, non trans gay boy of color (in my experience doctors rarely read charts, I can't count the number of times i've had to tell a doctor or nurse that i do not have a dick - at least as they think about it), i said i always use condoms except for oral, which was true at the time. he asked if its with one person or multiple. i say multiple - my army guy, beautiful boy , hometown play - to name a few. 

at which point he proceeded to test me AND treat me for every possible std, had me do a PCR HIV test which can tell if you've contracted HIV much sooner than the rapid tests, sent me to counseling for HIV testing, and told me he hoped that i keep using condoms so i don't turn up with HIV.  I appreciate getting tested but didn't appreciate the stigma and profiling and i don't like to get treated for things i don't actually have... 

anyways, turns out it was just a bad sore throat...

so in contrast, this time around i made an appointment for an HIV test and was scheduled to see an HIV counselor. I was really stressed out and nervous about it. I've been playing alot and usually play safe but i had on a few occasions recently been fucking raw (transfag barebacking).  mostly with guys who say that they are negative and whom i've known for a while, but many people who have hiv don't know it and condoms are not 100% and there is some risk with unprotected oral also... so generally being an anxious person, i was stressed out and worried for a while before my appointment and for a while after.

so i'm talking to the hiv counselor, she's fine, asks me how i identify as far as gender and sexuality, then she asks me the usual straight forward questions i.e. what type of sex, do you know the person's status, etc. all fine.

she does tell me that i shouldn't worry though, that its pretty unlikely that i will test positive, she actually says this repeatedly, which i though was an interesting thing for her to do.  

she sends me for a PCR test. as i'm walking to the lab i look down at the form. there are a number of risk categories. IV drug user, sex with someone positive, etc. the first risk category is men who have sex with men. She checked "no".

so i think what the fuck. i told you i'm a trans guy who's there cuz i let a non trans guy fuck me without a condom. the only difference between me and a non trans gay guy is the hole i let this particular guy put his dick. 

if i give her the benefit of the doubt i would say maybe it has something to do with the state and that my gender in the system is female and that i am sure state funding pays for the test - however this does not make it any better.

if i don't give the counselor the benefit of the doubt then i can assume that her understanding of trans communities is low and that when she asked me who i have sex with and i answered primarily men she took that to mean in some convoluded way that i am a straight woman (though non trans women of color who have sex with non trans men have the highest growing rates of hiv).

when i am read by doctors and nurses as a non trans, young, gay boy of color, not always, but most often i feel stigmatized, lectured, judged, condescended.  i'm not sure how to describe it fully but there is this hyper extremeness to the interaction, like they are sure i have an std, that i'm unsafe and irresponsible and they need to test and treat me as soon as possible.  this is very much about my perceived age, gender, sexuality and race.   the racism is very thick in these interactions with white health care providers.  people of color are seen as unclean, infected, unintelligent.  

i admit that i've made mistakes and there are times i've taken risks that i wish i had not however being judged and treated like an irresponsible walking risk do not help me to make better decisions.  

on the flipside when it is known that i am trans on the female to male spectrum i am seen as extremely low risk.  to the point where they won't test me, i am continually told that i am low risk and don't need to worry about it, and i have to insist on testing.  these encounters are very much about misconceptions of my gender and sexuality but also very much about racism and sexism.  women of color are seen as hypersensitive, emotional, less intelligent.  its hard enough to go into get tested, knowing i may need to fight for it does not make it any easier.  and to be honest sometimes i give into my self doubt and internalized oppressions and i don't fight. 

non trans gay men of color, particularly young gay men of color, still have the highest rates of HIV.  all us trans fags and genderqueers of color playing with all the same cocks and asses as other gays boys with all the same pressures and 'risk factors' plus a few more, yet we are not 'at risk'

the implications of this worry and depress me

this also got me thinking about the complicated, messiness of sex and the choices i make every day as a sexual being that put me at risk and if its worth all the profiling, stress, risk and anxiety.

playing for me is empowering - its empowering as a queer trans person to navigate sex with non trans guys, to be able to get what I want out of a fuck, to have people desire me, to know that my body is hot, and to feel sexy and confident in my body. And of course i just like sex.

all of which is clearly good for my well being maybe equally as much as the risk is harmful

so i continue to play and to be as safe as i can and to sometimes make mistakes and to own them as my own and to get tested and be anxious and just live with all the messy complicatedness of anonymous sex and fucking as a queer trans guy of color

Power and Fucking

I'm in a bit of a rut. I haven't fucked in a while and, in between bouts of frantic masturbation, this dry spell is making me think about shit. Deep shit like my role during sex and how I'm such a bottom these days. Every once in a while though I surprise the hell out of myself. Once not too long ago I was fucking this guy, just doggying him hard and it was so hot seeing my new black 7incher disappearing into his round dark-chocolate ass. Every now and then he'd mutter "Yea...get it boy," and gasp as I fucked him deeper in response. When I was on top, our eyes would lock from time to time. Right before he came, his mouth dropped open and his eyelids floated close. I felt really powerful in that moment and it was dizzying. I looked at the prone figure beneath me and this wave of possessiveness washed over me. I'm thinking this mutha is mine. At the back of my mind I'm wondering where is all this coming from? It was an interesting moment, especially because honestly I'm more turned on by a dude dominating the shit out of me. I like big dudes because compared to them I'm just this little guy and there's a power element there that I find erotic as hell.

This gets me thinking about concepts like "masculinity", "dominant", "submissive", "top", "bottom" and the role they play in my sexual practices. Masculinity as I've experienced and observed it has multiple meanings depending on the context. With guys I fuck, masculinity tends to look like muscles, hairiness, big and imposing stature, bulky, taking up a lot of space. Emotionally/behaviorally, for a lot of these dudes, masculinity also means aggressiveness, pushiness, take control, protector, etc. In other word, as I've observed in the gayboy NSA scene, the cornerstone of the masculine persona is the desire to exert power or to control. This is how society constantly tells us to define and express masculinity, but is there another way to look at this construct? Is there truly a masculine persona? If so, what should it look and feel like? How does this impact sexuality and desire? And for people like me who are sexually attracted to masculine expressions, what exactly are we drawn to?

It's really interesting when class, gender expression and sexual desire intersect. Certain personality types when encased in a masculine body turn me the fuck on: protector types, alpha male types, aggressive and charismatic types. Working class guys have also always done it for me. I'm not fully sure why, perhaps it's because we end up having very similar experiences around class. I'm definitely a working class queer. I hold down multiple jobs, yet barely make enough to get by. This type of life demands a certain level of mental, emotional and even physical strength. Is it a brand of strength that society associates solely with masculinity rather than femininity? If so, does this explain why working class men, much like black men, are often characterized as hyper-masculine? (An aside - a friend and I were talking about how, historically, working-class cultures have been more supportive of, and safer for, the expression of "butchness". Though we were talking more about working-class women and "stone butches", but I wonder how this applies to other genders.) 

The term top, in my experience, can describe how a dude likes to fuck. One top I hooked up with explained "I'm a top because I hate pain. No one is sticking anything up there." To me this is solely a mechanics thing. In other situations however, it refers to power and who wields it during sex. One night, around 2 or 3am, I met up with this guy I'd been messaging on a4a for a minute. And this dude could fuck. (Expect a post on this soon.)
"I just am!" He said vehemently after I asked him to explain what being a top meant, because he most definitely was one.
"I don't get fucked. I fuck."
He said this with such authority and power and, I won't lie, that was what turned me on so much about him: the way he just oozed power. In my life as a "professional queer activist" (i.e. my day job), I call guys like this on their oppressive shit all the time. However, at night I like them to fuck the shit out of me. Go figure.

Whatever the reasons, I like being fucked. I like dudes who are aggressive and can exert control and power in bed. I like being told what to do. When I first started fucking men I was ashamed to admit these desires. I thought if I bottomed with men then somehow they wouldn't see me as a dude as they were fucking me. Other times I was afraid I'd seem powerless. There's socialization for you. Even now as I write this I'm struck by how far back in my history this fear stretches. Even pre-transition when I still lived and identified as a lesbian of color, I never wanted to be seen as a bottom. Does this fear come from my youth?

In my preteen years, people said I was a tomboy because to them I was a girl who liked to mimic boys. Thanks to the twisted and interconnected nature of sexism, homophobia & transphobia, there was already this unsaid expectation that I'd end up being with girls. That I'd be a pariah was certain; the only question was what freakishly perverse sexuality would be the cause. As I hit my teens, sex and desire came into the picture, throwing a wrench into the blissful ignorance that was my life. For some reason there were so many good looking guys around me ("trans" wasn't even part of my lexicon). At night I'd fantasize about them fucking me. This was the first indication that I had a very complicated sexuality, made even more complex by the gender stuff I was grappling with.

There were no models of trans/cis guy relationships or blogs on trans sexuality. All I had was porn and in almost every porn I watched back then, the dude always had a dick which he used to fuck, and the woman always got fucked. All she did was lay there and make fake sounds. Through my fantasies I already knew bottoming was somehow in the cards for me, but I didn't want to be this kind of bottom. I wanted to be far more engaged than that, but what was my gender? Am I a man? If I'm a man, shouldn't I want to be with woman? Shouldn't I be seeing myself as a top? These questions plagued me all through my teen years and through my lesbian years before I transitioned. Even today, after many years of "living the life", after spending innumerably hours of therapy, I'm still trying to both understand my body and resist society's expectations for it.

my first threesome

our last post was analytical and thought provoking.  this post is just a fuck piece.  

i have been wanting to do a threesome for a while.  i've done back to back hook ups before (a tale of two cocks) but never done group.  i've had a few offers but nothing too inspiring and/or nothing that has panned out.

i had been chatting with this dude for a bit on one of the sites.  big guy of color.  lately i've had a major thing for big guys.  only thing is he can't host and neither can i.  so one night we're chatting and he asked if i'd be up for a threesome.  he said he has a friend who can host.  nice.  i say cool i'm up for it but to be honest i've never done one before.  he says no problem, we'll show you the ropes.  he sends me a pic of his friend, cute, athletic, tallish white guy.  so he says he'll let me know and we can try for the next day. i kind of feel like its not going to happen.  however he hits me up midway through the day and says its on.   after some additional messaging around hiv/std status, etc. and me making sure his friend is trans friendly, we arrange a place to meet. 

cool.  so i'm a little nervous about it, my first threesome and all.

the big dude and i meet up at a diner.  he's cute, nice guy.  we are chatting over coffee a little waiting for his friend to be ready.  usual random small talk.  i ask about his friend.  he says they have known each other for about 3 years and hook up pretty regularly.

he leans in a little and says with no effort to lower his voice, 'you are so hot, i want to fuck you right here, bend you over that table over there and slip my cock into you'.  hot, however its the middle of the afternoon at a small quiet diner and i'm a little self conscious.  sometimes believe it or not i can be a major prude.  he says 'can we fuck all your holes'.  i say yeah.  He licks his lips, leans in again and says, 'we are gonna ravage you, fuck the hell out of you'.  i look around, i'm still feeling a little self conscious as it is very quiet in the diner, but whatever.  finally his friend texts and says to come over so we head out.

we get to his friends place and step into the elevator, immediately he grabs me, pulls me towards him, he slips his tongue into my mouth, plays with my nipples, i reach down and stroke his cock, we make out hard and steady.  i'm hard as hell by the time the elevator doors open.

the friend lets us in to his apartment.  really nice place.  I drop my bag and search for my supplies.  big dude and his friend are making random chit chat in the dining room.  supplies found i join them.  big guy says, 'so what do you think?  sexy right.  i can't wait to fuck her', (cringe), i quickly say "him".  the friend who i am liking more than big guy says in this majorly sexy stoner voice, "yeah man, get it right, he's clearly a cute boy.  i can't wait to fuck him" as he runs his hands over my body.  big guy, getting it, says, "yeah, lets fuck all his holes, fucking ravage him".  

the friend begins playing with my nipples, i pull off his shirt and lick his chest.  as we kiss, lick, stroke and disrobe.  the two dudes keep talking about me to each other.  the friend keeps saying stuff like, 'oh i love this boy, look at his muscles, he looks just like one of my students', big dude laughs, 'hot right, i can't wait to get my cock inside him'.  the friend, 'this is the best boy you have brought me'.  i luv it.  i am not verbal, however i really like it when other people are. 

i drop to my knees and take big dudes cock in my mouth.  the friend, 'look at that he just drops right down like a good boy, so hungry'.  i go at big dude for a bit then turn around and go at the friend.  we go into his living room.  the friend sits back on a chair.  i kneel between his legs and suck his cock.  big dude stands behind me, 'spread your legs boy, let me see you'.  he reaches down and plays with my clit, sticks his fingers in my pussy stroking me.

then its big dudes turn, he's sitting on a recliner, i bend over sucking his cock, my legs spread wide.  the friend comes up behind me, his cock hard as a rock, i'm tight so it takes him a minute to get inside my cunt but then he's stroking me, each stroke pushing big guy's cock further down my throat.  

and the whole time both of them keep saying things like, 'i love this boy', 'this boy is so cute', 'look at him take that cock', 'this boy has me so hard', 'we need to take a picture of this its so hot'. its a non stop dialogue about fucking me that they keep up during the entire fuck session, its incredibly hot and ego boosting - lol. 

we fuck in a multitude of different positions.  can't go into all of them as that would take a while but here are my favs.

1)  i am sitting on the couch, laid back my legs spread.  the friend is on his knees between my legs fucking my pussy, big guy is sitting on my chest alternating between face fucking me and making me suck his balls. 

2)  i am straddling the friend, riding him, big guy comes up behind and sticks his cock up my ass, i've never dped before, its very hot to have two cocks inside me like that, however big guy is somewhat small so its hard for him to stay in my ass, unfortunately...

3)  i'm lying on my back, big guy is fingering my clit while the friend is playing with my nipples.  big guy says, 'look at his little cock', the friend says, 'yes, its so sensitive' as i moan and writhe around. (interesting these dudes got it without instruction, i didn't tell them to call my clit a cock and i actually don't care if they call it a clit, but cool they figured it out)

so big guy climbs on top of me and fucks me missionary, shooting inside me (condom of course) while the friend watches.  the friend asks if i want to shower, i nod.  to me that's a sign he's telling us to go. the race dynamics of this hook up are at the back of my mind, i mean don't get me wrong its all very hot and fun, however i'm very aware that part of the reason we are fucking in this white dudes fancy apartment is because us two brown boys don't have another place to fuck...

despite all the activity its been a pretty short session.  the friend hasn't cum yet, i start to wonder if he's not to into (clearly my own insecurities), but whatever i figure if he wanted to cum he would.  turns out the friend has to be somewhere soon. 

we all shower.  as i'm getting dressed they still keep talking about me, really the entire time they've kept this running dialogue about me and i have barely said a word.  i love it.

i pull on my boxers and big dude kisses me and plays with my nipples for a bit.  i slip on my shirt and the friend comes up behind me, he strokes my nipples and puts his hand on my crotch, 'this boy is so hot, i love his arms', clearly he's not in too huge a hurry, i rub my ass against his cock, i can feel he's starting to get hard again, 'this boys gonna get me going again, i luv how small he is'.  the friend wraps his arms around me and squeezes, picking me up off the ground.  he puts me down and now it is really time to leave. 

yum, threesomes

"The ugly" or "Is objectification ever okay?"

So we promised to bring you the good and confusing elements of anonymous hook ups. But let's not forget "the ugly" and there is quite a bit of it in the anonymous sex scene. Some of this ugliness is about people's messed up notions on gender, bodies and how those two mingle. One time I was chillen with this one dude that I'd just fucked in every position imaginable. We were lying on my bed, all post-coital hazed out and shit, playing with his itouch (or whatever the hell, I don't know what they call these things. It played music and that's all I know). It was a real pseudo-bonding moment and I say pseudo because let's not confuse the "anonymous" portion of this equation. After a while, we started to feel almost like friends, like "let's go to the movies" type of friends. I guess that's what did it because one minute he was showing me some cool app and the next he was referring to me as a girl, rattling on and on "you're a girl, so you must know..." blah blah. I stopped listening at that point. Not long after that I showed him the door. That scenario stays with me because regardless of how "dudely" I looked, homeboy saw my crotch and could not see past or through it.

Some of the ugliness in hook up scene also stems from people's gut-wrenching longing for love and companionship. Like the time this one person tricked me into coming to see them. Yeah. You heard that right. They tricked me. I use "they" cuz I don't know how they identified. From their pictures, they were obviously a gender nonconforming male-bodied person of color, somebody I would say is part of my core community. They'd been messaging me for ages and from their messages I could tell that something was amiss. They'd email shit like "come over and be my husband" or "I want to cook for you and be your wife." ?!?!?! This melodramatic response to my humble (yet quite raunchy) Craigslist ad alarmed me, so I steered clear. Months later I get this response to another ad I posted:
"You sound so hot to me. I enjoy trans men. I'm 35, 5'10",180, good shape." The attached picture is of, what I thought to be, a cute brown man sporting a kangol hat worn backwards. He had this sweet disarming smile, which sealed the deal. A few email exchanges and texts later, I was out the door with a pocketful of condoms.

He lived in one of those rapidly gentrifying neighborhoods where poor and middle class folk live side by side and do their damndest to ignore the fuck out of each other. His building was such a weird mix of dilapidation and luxury. A working elevator with smooth maroon marble walls, spanking clean, yet his floor felt like walking into the projects. As I got to the top landing, a door opened slowly, a brown face peeked out and I had an "oh shit" moment. It was them - the one who wants to be wifey. I froze. I couldn't believe that I'd actually fallen for this shit and it'd been so easy too to get my ass out here. I looked at the mf who now stood before me. They looked nothing like the picture. I don't know whose picture they'd sent me, but it was of a completely different person. Why do people do that shit? Perhaps sensing my confusion and anger, they smiled and I kinda melted. I didn't sense any weird "I'ma kill you" vibes, so I did something stupid. I went in. Yep. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It's one of those split second decisions that you regret as soon as you make them, but there's no turning back.

Their apartment was tiny like many apartments in this damn city, but their room within that tiny ass apartment was so small. It was jam-packed full of shit, reminding me of that show Hoarders. There was shit crammed into every corner and nook and cranny and crevice. I started taking small steps back, slowly trying to retreat out of there as inconspicuously as possible. I wasn't getting a serial killer vibe from them. On the contrary there was  only this calm air about them. Well...almost too calm. As I slowly retraced my steps, my eyes lifted from all the junk every where to the walls and ceiling of their room and that's when I saw the mural. On one wall they'd painted a brown woman, powerful stout build, large feet firmly rooted in red earth. Each wall carried powerful images. Bare-chested black men playing talking drums, strong looking women congregating, cute brown children playing, looking as innocent as all get-out.

All the art everywhere was so dizzying and I became so intrigued by this person and that's why I stayed. I'll be honest, that wasn't a smart decision. It's not something I'd recommend others who are navigating the NSA waters make. But it's the decision I made and I was lucky that it panned out. We chatted for a long time about our experiences around race, gender, sexuality. I learned that they identify as a cross dresser, but don't quite feel comfortable saying that out loud. I caught on that they were on some kind of medication, hence the too calm vibe I observed earlier. At least this is what they shared with me. Eventually, the conversation waned. I was ready to go. It'd been quite an experience chillen and bonding, but there was the trickery that brought me here in the first place and that was still weighing heavily on my mind. When they started insinuating that we fuck, I demurred and bid them a good night. The lie they'd resorted to just to get a little companionship...What if I'd been a violent asshole? What if they'd been a violent asshole? Since this incident I've tried to be more cautious by doing a pre-screening meet n' greet in a public place. I still don't do it 100% of the time, but I'm learning to trust my instincts and do it more.

These two scenarios are such perfect illustrations of the ugliness I described earlier. I hate it when sex and oppression collide. I hate it that we can't just fuck without some of this baggage rearing it's ugly head. Yeah, I know I play a role in perpetuating this ugliness. I mean I don't prowl the hook up sites looking for intellectual prowess. My choices in men are based on a number of physical attributes; I'll let you guess what those may be. All of this begs the question, is there ever room to want to fuck someone purely for how they look? I know this is a slippery slope, after all in a lot of ways "beauty" is a racialized political construct and I did a whole post on how black bodies are often seen as unattractive in the scene. But I won't lie. I get really turned on by guys who can't get enough of my body. So is wanting to fuck someone only because you find them physically hot mean you're objectifying them? Is it ever okay for objectification and sex to intersect?

cab fare

 This piece is also posted on Original Plumbing.  Check it out along with the other OP Bloggers.  TQ

so i'm having a really slow weekend.  i had tried to arrange a hook up saturday with no luck.  i'm in a mood where i don't want to travel too far so i've definitely turned down some offers but i'm feeling a bit down, why is it so hard to arrange something local... i'm also a bit bored and am looking for something new and interesting as well. 

so its sunday afternoon, i just got back from the gym and i decide to log into my sites (for those new to this blog i mean A4A and Manhunt).  i had chatted with a couple of dudes the day before but they were all further away then i was willing to travel.  one of the guys from the night before hits me up, he's attractive, not hot but attractive, white guy, medium build, and also interesting, he's been with trans guys before, seems cool, he's also a bit of daddy, i've been majorly into older daddy types these days.  however he lives very far away, so far that even if i was up to travel he would be a stretch.

all his message says is - i will pay for a cab.  i message back really?  you live very far, it could be pricey.  he said its fine.  come over.  so i consider it.

i'm not into desperate guys which to me offering to pay a pricey cab ride sounds desperate however i also get that there are people way beyond my economic class (which this guy could be he told me he recently gave up a 2nd apartment, most people i know struggle to stay in one apartment) for whom paying for a cab is no big thing.  i ask my best bud what he thinks.  he says go for it.  so i'm up for a bit of adventure.    i tell him ok, you're on.

so i shower and head out.  the cab ride is pricey and on the way i'm thinking what if i get there and he doesn't want to pay or something goes wrong, i can't afford that type of hit to my budget.  so this is all making me a little nervous on top of that the cab driver has no idea where he is going and neither do i.  the cabbie keeps asking me where i'm going and i keep saying a friends place, but i've never been there before - what am i supposed to say - i'm gonna go meet some dude i met online to fuck?

finally get to his place.  he's not hot, but attractive guy.  i am dropping my bag and getting settled.  he says here before i forget how much was the cab, i tell him and he doesn't blink, gives me enough cash for me to take a cab back  home.  i feel weird taking so much cash from him and say its too much he says, 'no, you traveled far, take it'.

so i don't like to have people pay for me like that, but at this point it is what it is and i can't afford to pay it myself.  he says, you are so cute and kisses me.  we kiss and make out.  he pulls of my shirt, sucks my nipples, the whole time he is complementing my body, 'man you are so hot', 'i luv your body', 'look at those muscles', 'you're so sexy'.

we both strip and i kneel down between his legs and suck his cock.  he's big and thick which i appreciate.

he turns me onto the bed, sucks my nipples some more, tongues my clit some, then says can we fuck.  of course, i smile.  condom?  he slips one on, i lube him up and i tell him to go slow at first as he's big.  he slides his cock slowly into me.  stroking gently until he's all the way inside me.  i groan as his cock slides into place.  he begins stroking me the full length of him sliding in and out.  i raise my hips to meet him and he fucks me harder.  pushes my legs over my head pounding me.  we fuck like this, multiple positions, nearly non stop for 3 hours.  its very hot.  i cum numerous times.

about half way through we take a break.  he's a talker.  kind of talks non stop.  he's nice and seems up on trans guys.  he asks what he can call my breasts, pussy, clit.  i say he can call them whatever he likes, that i don't care, however some trans guys do so i appreciate him asking.  he says yeah he knows and he respects whatever i want them called.  cool guy.

he's bi and plays with both boys and girls pretty equally.  he's interesting and has done alot of different things in his life.  lately i need my hook ups to be interesting in some way, i mean sex is great, but i've been getting a little bored lately and i need a little more than small talk and a fuck.  small talk and an interesting fuck or interesting talk and a good to hot fuck are all good.

so we continue to fuck, at one point he asks if he can bareback me, says he just tested neg (so many people don't know that testing neg just means you're neg as of three months ago...), i manage to not let my libido get the better of me and tell him no, he says cool no problem and proceeds to fuck me with condom until i just can't take it anymore, i'm worn out and starting to feel sore, i mean its been three hours.  so i say where do you want to cum cuz i can't go much longer.  he laughs as i rest on top of him his cock still hard as a rock inside me.  he says don't worry about it, i'll jerk off.

so we rest and chat some more.  we talk gender and sexuality - cool guy - the talk gets me turned on again i kiss him and stroke his cock with my hand.  he's still hard as hell.  he stops me reaches over and grabs some lube and begins jerking off, he tell me to suck his balls.  i  kneel down wrap my mouth around them and play with his balls in my mouth, he moans, shoots a huge load all over my chest.  hot.

we lie in bed resting.  he's been complimenting me the entire time - how hot and sexy i am etc.  he also keeps saying how masculine i am.  which is interesting, i feel like a lot of guys have said that to me.  its interesting because i actually don't feel masculine, i know lots of trans guys do, but I don't, and its not that i feel feminine, or like a mix or fluid.  i just don't have a word to describe my gender.  he actually asks if i feel like there are still feminine parts of me and i just say no, cuz the real answer is too complicated for a first fuck. 

anyways, i like him and don't really want to rush out, typical daddy he asks if he can buy me dinner, but i have somewhere to be i did not expect this to be a long session.  Plus i don't have dinner with my hook ups - rarely a drink at a bar and only once have i let one cook me breakfast - i'm very clear this is not dating this is fucking.

so i tell him i can't, shower, get my shit together and use his cash to hop a cab home.

Hook-Up Motel

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Hook-Up Motel

 “I love to kiss,” he texted back after I asked how he liked to fuck. “I love to just be naked and grind on another hot naked body. I love to suck on big clits.” We’d met through craigslist, emailed, exchanged pics, and liked what we both saw. The texting started soon after. It was a week day morning and I was horny as fuck. Luckily I had a few hours before I had to be at work and he had a car. He picked me up a few blocks from my house. I was taken aback when I first laid eyes on him. He actually looked like his picture. More attractive even. (Usually there’s some discrepancy between the picture and reality. Often times reality doesn’t quite measure up to the picture.) I started feeling like a lookist fuck for staring at the poor guy, but I couldn’t help it. He was just such a beautiful black man and he had these captivating brown eyes. Broad shoulders and chest. Some of my favorite parts of a guy’s body.

He drove us out of my ‘hood and onto the nearest highway. I asked if he had any trans people in his life.
“My best friend is a trans man. She…I mean, he came to me one day and was like ‘I’m a dude. I’m gonna take hormones.’ ”
He shared how he witnessed his friend’s transition over the years and saw the emotional turmoil brought on by family rejection. Then he talked about how one night they both got drunk and fucked silly.
“I was surprised at how much I got into it, but I didn’t trip because I’ve never been one of those dudes to trip over being attracted to men. Every once in a while I see a dude and think ‘damn he’s fine’ and that’s just the way it is.”
I found it hard to believe that he’d never had some moment in his life when he struggled with the reality of this desires. “Well I guess because my mom went with women and I grew up seeing this as normal, so it never occurred to me to feel weird about who I’m attracted to.” I marveled at this. Imagine growing up with openly queer parents. How different would my life be if this were my background?

We drove into the motel parking lot and I realized I’d never done this before. As long as I’ve been fucking around I’d never hooked up in a motel before. How could this be?  Well, this was going to be an adventure. At the check-in table I noticed that he paid without even asking for the price. Interesting. But far be it from me to judge. The room was so mundane that I couldn’t really tell you what it looked like, though I remember how soft and big the bed was. We stood in front of each other awkwardly for a moment or two. I could tell he was a bit nervous. I started to feel kinda shy. Maybe it was because we were about to fuck in a motel. I was getting really turned on by the reality of us being there for that reason. I turned on the flat screen in the hopes of finding a music station. The first thing that popped up was…porn. Not NBC or HBO or MTV. Just porn. I changed the channel and there was yet more porn. In this one, a long black shlong disappeared, almost fully, into a blond white woman’s mouth. Homeboy and I looked at each other and laughed at the pure honesty of it. This is a hook-up motel. Why pretend to be otherwise?

Inspired by the porn, we got right to it. We kissed and it was wet and sloppy, with lips and tongues going in every which way. Sucking on each other’s lips, tongues making contact, entangling and breaking free. Repeating the cycle over and over. He took his shirt off and I got to feel his soft warm skin. Mine came off next. I unbuckled his belt and slipped my hands through the front of his pants into his briefs. I gently stroked his dick which felt so smooth and hard, head slightly wet from pre-cum. His mouth was still latched onto in mine. Tongue seeking and locating mine. Finally I got his pants and briefs off and couldn’t help rubbing my hands on all over his round firm ass. He had a really nice round ass. I groped, squeezed and grabbed handfuls of that shit and ground on his dick.  After a a few minutes of serious vertical dry humping, he pushed me onto the bed and pulled my pants off in one fluid motion. When he got on top, I wrapped my legs around his hips. His face dipped to my neck and started licking me, sucking on my ear lobes. I bit and sucked on his neck and shoulder. One of his hands crept down my stomach to my pussy where he began jerking my cock. I caressed his hot ass some more and played with his ass hole, dipping a finger in and out. I felt his dick grow even more rigid and leak more pre-cum on my thigh. I love that shit. He grabbed it and rubbed it on my hard clit. “That’s the hottest shit I’ve ever seen…” he muttered, looking down between our bodies at our dicks touching and rubbing.

Sliding down to my pussy, he sucked my dick loudly, causing me to grow hornier and harder. He pulled away suddenly, grabbing and slapping on a magnum. I turned over because I wanted doggy. I wanted him to ram into me hard and fast. Instead I felt his hot breath on my ass and his warm wet tongue encircling my asshole. He licked me for a while and for the first time I actually allowed myself to relax and enjoy it. Usually I’m a prude when it comes to certain types of ass play, ass eating being one of them. But this time it was driving me wild. His thumb replaced his tongue while his dick firmly pushed into my pussy. Oh my god. It felt so unbelievably good. It wasn’t like he was that big, but he was just the perfect size for me. He fucked me slowly for a while, withdrawing completely then slowly plunging back in. It was the most delicious feeling. He kept tightening his grip on my ass, plunging deeper with each thrust and moaning “shit” and “fuck” in response. With his thumb he started fucking my ass while still fucking my pussy. It was such a hot combination of fullness, friction and wetness. His finger buried deep in my ass and his dick doing the slow-n’-deep-thrustin thing. I about lost my mind. We were being very loud too. Moaning and grunting loudly, blending sounds with the porn and creating this raunchy as hell soundtrack. I’m always more turned on by a guy who is vocal. A guy who can’t help but make strange, funny sounds when he’s feeling good.

“Fuck I’m about to cum.” Then “I wanna cum on your ass and back,” he said with some effort. And I wanted that too. I wanted to feel his hot cum splashing on me. I started matching his thrusts, making him speed up because this slow and deep shit was like torture.
“Ohh fu..” He withdrew quickly, slipped off the condom and it felt like hot wax was being splashed all over my back and ass. I have a serious cum fetish. I love watching guys shoot cum on my body – stomach, chest, back, all over. The more cum the better. And this guy had cum for days.

We chatted a little after cleaning up, but we got horny again and fucked some more. This time he pinned my legs over my head and pounded the hell out of my pussy, whispering “I could do this shit all day,” somewhere near my ear. I wrapped my hands around his neck and brought him closer to me, skin rubbing on skin, our bodies covered in a thin layer of sweat. My hands drifted down to his round ass and I grabbed, pushing him deeper. He shifted and hit this spot deep within me and that did it for me. I came loudly. It felt so good to be loud and not have to worry about neighbors. After all we weren’t the only ones fucking up in here. People were holed up in rooms all over this dingy-ass place doing the deed. Licking, sucking, fucking, fingering, etc. Doing all manners of things to each others’ bodies and it kinda felt good to be in solidarity with them. We laid there, him on top of me, panting, recovering from the quick intense fuck that had just taken place.

After he dropped me off at the station later that, I boarded the train feeling freshly fucked and all kinds of happy. That’s when it hit me: oh shit, what the fuck was his name?

Remote Control

I went out of my way to see this dude. It wasn't as far as I thought, but still a good bit of distance. I only go that far for very special reasons and he'd presented a number of them. He met me a few blocks from his crib, walking his dog, which looked more wolf. It scared the crap out of me at first, seeing this giant part-wolf/part-dog lumber towards me, pulling this cocoa-colored dude. "I'm Stan." He stuck his hand out and tried to give me daps but, folks, I suck at giving daps. I never know know which way to go. Daps differ from region to region, you see. After we got past the daps mishap, he introduced me to his dog...whose name I forgot 3 seconds later. We walked (well I walked and he kind of sauntered which was hot to watch) to a nearby park so the oversized pooch could pee and poop. Stan and I leaned against a sad looking rail and talked. The park had the hallmarks of your typical dilapidated-park-smack-down-in-the-middle-of-the-'hood: barely standing swing set, deep cracks in the pavement, irregularly shaped patches of grass, the works.

He was recently out of jail and trying to adjust to life on the outside. His PO was constantly on his jock though - we'd rescheduled a few times because of PO appointments. He'd fucked men while he'd been locked up and emerged from prison with a complicated sexuality and a broader idea of gender.
"I don't like to see myself as gay or straight or anything even. Yeah, I like dicks. Yeah, so what? I can't get into dudes and I don't like masculine types."
As an afterthought he added, "I like fucking FTMs though; that shit is hot," then laughed, looking at me and I chose to believe it was a "I wanna eat you up" look.
"If you're  not into masculine types, how's this gonna work?" I did a Vanna White gesture at my body.
He looked me over and smiled, "see that's the thing. To me you don't look masculine. Yeah, you look like a dude but masculine? It's all relative. I mean look at me!" And I did look at him. This mutha was built. I'll admit that's one of the reasons I was fascinated with him. Bearish and broad, wide-as-hell shoulders, footballers stature, and my favorite accessory on a dude: a black fit-it. His was cocked to the left. Sexy? Hell yeah. But being big and black and masculine strikes fear in the heart of many. I thought about how different our experiences were given our very different body types: his big hulking figure versus my small compact build. For the umpteenth time I wondered how he ended up in jail. I didn't ask because it's none of my damn business.

He yelled at his dog who was becoming very interested in a pile of poop made by another dog. I laughed then, not just because of the dog eating poop thing, but because of the juxtaposition of that image with the sexuality conversation we were in the middle of, the ridiculously unkempt appearance of the park we were hanging out in, and the reason that propelled me outta my apartment in my first place. All of that just seemed so, for lack of a better word, absurd. Sometimes life just trips me out like that...

As we walked back to his apartment, I remembered the picture he'd sent me of his dick. In the picture, his erect cock was going toe to toe with a big remote control. They were the same size. Imagine the remote control to end all remote controls. The type of remote that you can use to turn your tv on if you were in a high speed jet plane flying 30,000 feet over your house.  And that's one of the core reasons I decided to go out of my fucking way to see him.

Back in his tiny box of a room he told me to get comfortable on his tiny bed.  I wondered how we were both going to fit. Then he stripped down to an A shirt and boxers, an image that quickly brought me back to the here and now. I stared and probably had this lewd expression on my face. His hairy legs, with the strongest looking calves I'd ever seen, where so fucking hot to behold. I imagined them in between mine. He caught me staring and grinned. For some reason I became embarrassed...what the fuck. He put on a movie and got in bed, which creaked in protest and I wondered again if we'd both fit, but he pulled me into his arms and made me snuggle really really close. My ass was right up against his crotch. His dick was hard as a rock already and it jutted through his boxers, straight into the ass of my pants.  I pretended to be engrossed in the flick (which I could tell you neither the title nor who the fuck was in it) and pretending was quite a feat considering this dude's hard dick was just poking into my ass. It was the hardest thing in the world not gyrating or reaching behind me to grab hold of it, but, for the moment, I chose to just savor the delicious torture of waiting. Eventually his hands started caressing my shoulders and slipped underneath my shirt sleeve, making its way to my chest, fingers slowly encircling a nipple, squeezing it between finger tips. I rubbed my ass on his crotch in response. He leaned over and sucked on my ear lobe, tonguing my ear, and his breath tickled. God I was getting really hard.
"Take your clothes off."  Even though he whispered into my eat, it was an order loud and clear. I got up and complied. Back in his bed, he held me tight and licked my neck, tongue trailing down my chest and encircling my nipples. He bit down gently then hard and I squirmed, but he held me tighter and licked and bit. He pushed my legs apart roughly and sucked his way down my stomach, till his head was between my legs. "Mmm...your clit..." He trailed off as he sucked all of me into his warm wet mouth. I moaned loudly." Shh...my moms asleep. " Yeah, he lived with his mom...

He sucked me off good, my legs spread wide, his giant hands cradling my ass gently and lifting me up to his face and mouth. After a while, he got up and moved to my head, dick poised on my lips. I opened and he slipped in. "Mmm..." He looked me in the eye and gently placed one hand on my face when his cock slid deeper. I started jerking my cock, because I was so turned on by what we were doing and the way were doing it. "Suck that dick good, boy"  and  "mmm...yes. Like that," when his dick reached the entrance to my throat. But there's no way I could deepthroat this one. He was muthafuckin big and I was barely able to fit him in my mouth.

A little bit later he pulled out of my mouth and laid on his back, gesturing me to get on top of him. This was one of those times when it was hard to think about fucking with a condom. Seeing his raw dick, sticking straight up like that. I just wanted to sit on it, feel the bareness of it and look down at the ecstatic expression on his face. I wanted to ride that shit, get it wet from my pussy and feel it buried deep in me, but I reached in my bag for my magnums.

He guided his dick into me one I climbed on top. He squeezed my ass cheeks and pushed me further down on his dick. I put my hands on his broad chest for support. It was definitely his show, gliding me up and down his dick, controlling the rhythm, the depth and the motion. I just let go and let him lead. When he started fucking me faster, I could no longer stifle the moans and his poor, poor mama.

He flipped me on my back, restraining my hands over my head and fucked me slowly, mouth by my ear, whispering the dirtiest sexiest shit ("Mmm...you jus' squeezin my dick so nice"), tonguing ear and neck, staccato-like breath tickling that side of my face.

During doggy he hung onto my ass for dear life and drove his dick into me, his small bed creaking loudly. Then he placed his body on my back, froggy style, his legs opening mine wider, while his dick reached in deeper and moved faster. I was so close and, as if he knew this, he reached around to my front and grabbed my dick, whispering "you're so hard" in and sticking his hot wet tongue in my ear. That did it. I came and this warm tingling sensation just radiated through me. I could feel my pussy walls contracting around his dick. Right then he let out some deep guttural moan and fucked me uncontrollably as his orgasm hit.

All through the train ride back home, I had this dopey, blissed out smile plastered on my face. That was one for the books!