boundaries

As those who follow this blog know I have been in a very NSA (no strings attached) place – I have not been interested in dating or relationships at all. There are many reasons for this decision its enough to say that I have been very happy and content in this place. At this point it is going on over 3 years at least. At some point in the midst of this period one of my regulars turned into an open casual dating situation and that was fun for a bit but I eventually returned to my NSA place.

Recently, like a week or two ago, my best friend convinced me to give dating a go. I'm in a different place in my life now and decided – what the hell, why not. This has led to some interesting adventures that I may write about at some point. However it also led to a pretty big personal realization.

With women identified and trans/gnc folks I don't assume that we are going to fuck on the first date, but I also don't assume that we won't. However when it gets physical I proceed with clear lines of consent and I also don't assume that just because we are making out we are going to end up fucking. I ask as normally the other person does as well what's ok and what's not ok to do to their body prior to and during fucking. For me this comes from my understanding as a trans/gnc previously female identified person of all the violence and boundary crossing our bodies face and the complicated relationship many of us have to our bodies and sex.

However when it comes to non trans gay guys all of that goes out the window. I assume that sex and fucking and being physical happen quickly once you meet. With non trans gay guys once its gone down that physical road I assume that we are going to fuck. I mean there is definitely some level of pre conversation around safety, testing and top/bottom/vers type thing but that's about it. I assume that if we are making out we are going to fuck and that its ok for me to touch his body and touch and suck his cock (I don't rim/do anal play with guys).

Clearly this is not ok and these are huge assumptions.

But it took me quite some time to realize what I was doing. I was on a 2nd date with a guy who I was definitely into and he invited me over to his place after the bar. We started kissing and making out on his couch. And then it was like I just went into auto pilot mode. I started to take off his shirt and he stopped me and said I'm not sure if I want to fuck yet can we just make out. 'sure man, we don't have to fuck' I said. So we proceeded to make out for a bit then he said we should go to the bedroom. Long story short we ended up having some oral play but he stopped it at that.

Reflecting on that nite when I woke up in his bed the next morning I felt like shit. I realized that I never asked him if it was ok for me to touch his body in the ways I did. I was definitely being very sexually aggressive in ways that make me uncomfortable as I felt like I went into autopilot, I just assumed we were gonna fuck and was being very aggressive in moving in that direction. We checked in about it all the next morning and then again on our next date and no boundaries were crossed, but the idea that I could have was really really scary to me and a big reality check.

I've been trying to understand why I would act so extremely different with non trans guys. These are the thoughts that have run through my head – 

• the ways that casual sex and hookups seem like just a regular part of gay male culture at least the one I live in, 
• that while non trans gay guys definitely experience sexual violence and abuse women and/or trans and gnc folks are more highly impacted due to patriarchy, homophobia, and transphobia, 
• the lack of physical boundaries on a casual level that I have experienced in gay male spaces i.e. many times in clubs or other spaces some non trans gay guys (particularly but not only non trans) have few physical boundaries and feel its ok to touch and grope at will other guys. 

 All of this is probably part of it however in the end it doesn't really matter why – i'm just glad I realized it in time to make some shifts.

cock before breakfast

sometimes i wake up really early for no reason.  i normally need to be up by 7am or so.  however sometimes i wake up at 4am, 5am, 6am and i'm just wide awake.

today i woke up at about 5am and couldn't go back to sleep and i was feeling really horny so i logged onto the sites.  pretty quickly some dude hit me up.  cute scruffy white guy.  after a few quick messages he says he can come over.  he lives close by so will be there soon.  i'm still lying in bed so i make a quick trip to the bathroom to at least wash my face, rinse my mouth.

he is there quickly.  i believe he just rolled out of bed also.  to be honest i don't really remember what he looks like, i would not recognize him if i saw him again, we didn't exchange names.  we say a quick good morning and both strip.

i kneel down and take his cock into my mouth.  he's an average size not huge not small.  he reaches down and plays with my nipples as i blow him.  he is hard quickly and i pull back, grab a condom and lie back on the bed.  he kneels between my legs, slips the condom on and pushes into me slowly.  he fucks me missionary his hips thrusting into me.  slow hard thrusts.  he holds my hands above my head as he fucks me.  after a while he's fucking me faster and harder and he says he's getting close.  i tell him to cum for me.  he cums hard shooting inside me.

he rolls off me and i get up to pee.  we chat a bit as he gets dressed, he has a deep sexy voice, i thank him and say 'that's exactly what i needed this morning', he says 'me too' and then heads out the door.

valuing each other

recently i've gotten myself in a bit of a relationship.  my NSA status has shifted somewhat.  this was entirely unintended on my part.  a regular hook up became a frequent regular became a casual dating situation.  the boy is mad sexy in a skinny, twinkish brown boy kind of way, not my usual cup of tea i like a little more meat on a boy but so be it.  we have absolutely nothing in common except that we have incredible sexual chemistry and we have fun together.  he definitely is more into me than i am into him and is up front with me about it as i am up front with him about how i feel.

he is a stereotypical gay boy queen - into fashion, partying and fucking and having gotten to know this person for some time i can say with relative certainty that's about it.  don't get me wrong he cares for me, his friends, chosen and blood family but the ongoing state of war, violence and injustice in the world is not something that even crosses his mind.  no judgement intended - i don't understand it - its not a way i live and move in the world.   i get where the creation of this bubble comes from though - very few of us trans and queers of color have lived without struggle - and we all manage it in different ways of which all are valid.

we generally have a lot of fun together despite our differences.  of course as would go with someone you are dating, even casually things happen and you hurt each other.  i would say we've been good about being up front with each other when this happens and in every instance the other has apologized with little defensive and tried to be accountable.  what i've come to realize recently though is that this is not what i want.  i can have amazing, hot incredible sex with someone regardless of politic or how they move through the world.  i can have interesting conversation with people who don't give a shit about the state of the world but are good people, interesting people, even people i do not share politic with.

however if it moves beyond just fucking i've come to realize i need more.  i need some shared politic, doesn't have to mean they live and die for the movement, but i need an understanding that the world is a fucked up place and that its not ok and something should be done about it.  and i need someone to be passionate about something, care about something beyond fucking and partying.  that's where i landed recently and had decided to think on it but was pretty much gonna let the boy know that this was never going to go beyond casual dating and that while sad i understood if this meant it needed to end.

then also recently, seperately but perhaps connected in ways i have not fully processed, i got very very drunk and did and said some things that crossed his boundaries unintentionally, not of course that it matters, as i still did it, and for this i feel ashamed.  then he told me about how his friends, a crew of non trans gay boys, mostly of color, could not wait to know what had happened as it had been a bit of a public situation.  and this pushed me over the edge.  some of it was my own anger at myself, of course, but just pointed to another issue while i believe his friends care and love him and each other they take joy in putting down others and in other people's drama and i've told him many times that is something i cannot get with - don't laugh at her because her make up is messy, you don't know what she's been through, to me i see strength, beauty and pride (or challenge myself to do so) not someone to laugh and make fun of.

i also started to think about things that had caused conflict, his friends range of isms and my complicitness in it.  i started to feel like fuck this dude.  i'm done with this.  i know that some of this came from my own shame and anger at myself but i also know some of it was real.

then i read this piece by this incredible activist - mia mingus about how we treat each other as queer pocs.  and it made me stop and think.

how can i do right by this person.  how can i be honest about where i'm at in a way that does the least amount of harm yet is honest and real yet caring.  while this brown gay boy and i need to change how we are in relationship with each other i value and care about him.  how can i hold this moment of connection, of community and of relationship in a way that does not feed into all the negative messages that we all receive as queers of color seeking to move through this world