Friday, April 6, 2012

my first STD

we said we would write about the good and the bad.  we promised honesty and realness. here goes. 

i went to the doctor because i had a yeast infection.  i used the over the counter stuff which helped but it didn't feel like it was fully gone.  since i was at the doctor and it had been exactly three months since i was last tested i asked her to also test me for STDs.  she confirmed i had a yeast infection and gave me meds.  what's funny is this time i wasn't actually worried at all that i had an STD.  I was actually very confident that i was fine.  this i believe shows how i had been getting lax.

a few days later i get a call from my health clinic.  they let me know that i had tested positive for an STD.  that it was easily treatable and that i just needed to come down to the clinic for the meds.  the guy who called was very nice about it all.  he said my partner should get treated and tested as well and asked a question about my partners gender (i don't remember the exact question) to which i responded guys - plural.  he paused.  interesting assumption that i have one partner.

as he's telling me more about the std, i'm just half listening as my mind is racing through my last 3 months of hookups trying to figure out how this happened. 

i had recently, really just two weeks prior hooked up with two regulars, one who i've been seeing now for a long time and one who i've been seeing for a bit but is newer.  with both of them we had fucked without condoms for the first time.  with both i had really thought about it before we did so, though in retrospect i was most focused on hiv and didn't really think about other stds (clearly a mistake).  With one we had talked extensively about testing and safer sex practices with the other to be honest we didn't, we had been hooking up for a long time on a very regular basis and i just felt a level of comfort and trust with him that made me lax.  i hooked up with them just a few days apart. i'm sure many folks are shaking their heads reading this, i know it was not the best decision.  other than that in the last three months i had been safe. 

i said to the clinic guy, i am normally safe, but i had unprotected sex with someone two weeks ago, could it happen that fast?  he said yes and that's probably when you got it.  he said this std is common and alot of people have it and don't have any symptoms.  I didn't say unprotected sex with two people, i just felt stressed, embarrassed and was afraid of judgement. 

after hanging up the phone i just sat there for a minute feeling like shit.  i felt ashamed, embarrassed, stressed, and overall i just felt stupid. 

i called my best friend and told him.  i luv my best friend.  he said its nothing to be ashamed of, its just an infection, its common, if you had an ear infection you wouldn't be feeling like this.  its easily treatable.  however, he said, maybe you need to rethink this no condom thing.  to which i said i know.

all of what he said is true however i still felt like shit.  i told him that i was planning to text the two regulars to let them know so they could get tested.  he said are you sure you should do that?  what if one of them gets violent or something.  to which i said, one of them i have no worries about, the other i'm not sure but while we've been playing for a while we are very anonymous so there is little he could do if he was angry about it.

this all just sucks.  i text both of my regulars and let them know in a very non blaming way, non accusatory way, and tell them they should get tested.  the one i had no worries about sent a really nice response, which i knew he would, he said he was so sorry if it was him and that he didn't know if it was and said he hoped i was ok.  so nice, to which i responded that he didn't need to apologize and that i hoped he was ok too.  the other one at first was like, wtf, its not me.  to which i just said your probably right but i just wanted you to know so you could get tested just in case and i hope your ok.

i'm feeling really down and bad about myself.  i start to worry what if i got it from one then gave it to the other.  i start to feel all guilty and bad about it all.  again i'm talking to my best friend and he says it was as much their decision as it was yours.  you are both equally responsible. which i know is true but i still feel like shit.

later that day, i'm still feeling shitty, and all of a sudden i remember that there was one other.  this one was a total mistake.  just a total fuck up on my part.  yet somehow i had totally forgotten about it.  honestly it just slipped my mind entirely. 

i hooked up with this dude, i didn't know before we met up, but we run in the same social circles. for some reason the fact that we know alot of the same people made me feel very comfortable with him and i was lax.  we also both were very drunk, again not something i normally do with a first time hook up, but i was feeling very comfortable.  we fucked of course and we started out using condoms however there was a point where we fucked without a condom for a bit.  this was a mistake.  i made a promise to myself that while i might bareback sometimes that it would only be with regulars who i've know a while and after we've discussed testing and safer sex practices and that i would very rarely do this.  this incident was just a total fuck up. 

and i had really just forgotten about it.  now i'm starting to feel really shitty.  as i had told the newer regular, when we were discussing possibly going raw, that i used to bareback sometimes but it was too stressful and that i had been safe since.  what if i gave the std to him? (he texted me a few days later to say he'd tested negative)

i never heard from the other dude again.  we had been hooking up on a pretty regular basis for a long time, really good fucks, major hottie, we also got along as people - he's a really nice guy.   par for the course in the hook up world.  i actually would have hooked up with him again, safe only, if he had contacted me and let me know he got tested, even if he found out he had the std, yuh know shit happens.  i am very judgemental of myself less so of others, clearly my own shit. 

i know that i had been getting cocky (no pun intended) and over confident and lax.  having an std is bad enough and i know i'm just lucky its something curable, adding on worrying that i gave it to someone and having to notify my hook ups - all sucks

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