itchy

it had been a lazy day.  i had hung with a friend earlier and i was just at home drinking some wine, cooking some food, i was looking for a hook up but in a kind of lazy way.  not having any luck on any of the sites - slow day when i got a call on my cell.  i didn't know the number so i didn't pick up - as is my practice.  i listened to the message and it was some dude who said we'd been emailing, that we had met through CL and wanted to know if i was free to fuck.

i have no idea who the hell this guy is.  i had not posted on CL in a number of months.  so i went back through my email to try and figure it out cuz clearly we had been chatting since he had my number.  after some investigation i figured it out.  its this dude that had responded to an add almost six months ago.  we had emailed on and off but neither of us could host and i'm not into motels.  also he was ok looking in his pic like it could go either way. so i'm feeling indecisive, i'm not incredibly horny, can't decide what to do. 

i text him back and he calls.  i hate talking to hook ups on the phone, i would rather text, but whatever.  turns out he lives three blocks away.  for folks who follow this blog you know i have two major weaknesses:  1) anything local, 2)  dom tops.  so 3 blocks is fucking hot.  i think what the hell, lets do it.

he says he can host, but he'll have to sneak me in.  i'm not sure what that means, but whatever i'm game.  i say i'll be there in a few minutes.  i walk over to his place.  he comes to the door and does not at all look like his pics, not attractive to me, however i'm here and now horny and i've learned that physical hotness and sexual hotness do not always equate meaning i've fucked hot dudes who suck in bed and i've fucked unattractive dudes who are majorly hot in the sack and really i'm just here to fuck.

it turns out that sneaking me in just means tip toeing past his roomie.  he lives in his studio, he's an artist.  cool art.  no bed but i don't care there are lost of places to fuck.  we kiss, he showered right before i came which i appreciate however it means his long hair is damp which sometimes is hot but in his case is not.  he lays me down on some blankets on the floor.  he sucks my nipples, blows me, all good.  however i want to be fucked.  i suck his cock but he can't get hard.  he jerks himself off, i suck him some more but no go.  he apologizes says he did some coke earlier and has coke dick.  great.....

it turns into an oral session, he sucks me off, finger fucks me, i cum, but its not really doing it for me.  afterwards i get up to leave and he says 'no stay a little longer'.  i lie back down but realize something about this is making me feel itchie.  so i get up, grab my shit and bounce.

i was feeling bad about this hook up.  not so attractive dude, high on coke, limp dick.  my thoughts ran on these lines - what the hell is wrong with me.  if there is ever a time to walk away that was it.  why don't i have enough self respect.  why am i such a chicken shit. 

I have never shown up at a hook up and walked away.  While i feel confident that if a situation ever felt unsafe I would walk away I have been fortunate so far.  my best friend has no problem walking away from a hook up.  he does it with ease.  though the times he has had to walk away are mostly when its been a sketchy situation.  however, its hard for me to do and i know that i have a problem rejecting people - clearly my issue - that maternal, self sacrificing, put others over myself instinct that i can't seem to get rid of.

i was feeling really down on myself, went to bed feeling like shit.  however i woke up the next morning and decided to give myself a break.  while i acknowledge my areas of needed growth and the hookup did make me feel itchy....  at least i did take enough control over the situation to get what i wanted out of it - which was simply to get off...  the rest i'll keep working on