barebacking, trust and emotions

I wrote this piece a while ago, but just had not published it yet.  I am actually in a space now where i always use condoms for fucking.  I am dating now, casual and open, but it makes me think differently about the risks i take. I also am still doing hook ups but less so.  However, this piece is still very real to me and very much a part of who i am.

I also have been thinking about Brandon Lacy Campos, who passed earlier this year, as this is his birthday weekend, his honesty and need for us to be real with each other about sex and safer sex was rooted in love for our community and an understanding that it is the only way we can survive.

TQ

this is another piece about unsafe, risky sex.  somewhat of a continuation of a previous post 'transfag barebacking'.  that said once again i am not at all advocating fucking without protection.  though i again feel the need to be real about my experiences doing so.

i had reached a point in my hook ups where i felt i was pretty in control of how i fuck, meaning i wasn't randomly giving into a desire to fuck raw.  i had reached a point where i acknowledged the desire.  I very rarely fucked raw and only with regulars who i've know for a while, have some trust for and have discussed std/sti status, testing status and safer sex practices ahead of time.  i would make a decision about fucking raw before i was in someones bed.  again very very rarely.  however even this i know is not safe and is risky.  (and to be honest there was one exception to this - a total alcohol induced fuck up)

however i recently ended up in an unhappy health situation.  Found out i had an STD, curable, which was clearly a result of these decisions i made.  i was talking to my best friend about it all, he's another ftm of the queer variety, and i was saying that I was going to stick to condoms at all times now, no exceptions.  he said, 'i think that's a good idea and its not like it feels different to you to fuck with a condom or without', meaning yeah for the dude who's fucking my pussy i assume it feels a hell of alot different, but for me as the person getting fucked, its questionable, my best friend has had his own experiences with barebacking so has first hand knowledge and is not judgemental in his statements.

at the time i said, 'yeah ur right'.  but then i was thinking about it and i know for me at least sometimes it's no different condom or no condom, but other times, at least for me, the raw fuck on a purely physical level is very very different.

what i've started to reflect on though is while this desire to fuck flesh to flesh is about a physical and sexual desire that i have, there is clearly also an emotional level to it.

there is this dropping of boundaries when it comes to fucking raw.  i was thinking about how with one dude who i've known for a year, nice guy, interesting, laid back musician, i really like him as a person and we hook up quite often every week sometimes, after the first time we fucked raw there was this new openness to our post fuck chat, a new level of connection.

this blog tells tales of fucking, of anonymous, i don't even know your name fucking.  these encounters are most often purely physical, while there may be some chat you both (or all) know that this is just about sucking some cock (trans or non trans), feeling each others bodies, kissing (most of the time) and fucking the hell out of each other.  sometimes it can become a fuck buddy situation, but even then we are not going to the movies together or hanging out with each other's friends, while we may like each other as people - in the end its about fucking. 

yet if i'm honest with myself i can't deny an emotional element to it with some of my repeats.  the regulars i fucked raw are all good guys, at good places in their lives, nice people who i have known for in some cases over a year.  we had conversations ahead of time about testing, std/hiv status, and safer sex practices, but a level of trust is inherent in that conversation.

i realize what it comes down to is that i want to live in a world where we can trust each other as fuck buds as people who are dating as partners.  I want that world to exist.  yet i know that we do not live in that world.

when i think back on the times i've slid onto a cock raw sometimes i wanted a raw fuck and thats it, but sometimes, as problematic as it is, i wanted to feel the connection that comes with two people agreeing to trust each other enough to live with the risk.

hard moments

recently i kind of fell for a dude.  well not kind of did.  and the whole situation just sucked to hell cuz we met about 2 months before he was moving out of the country.   cute, sexy, political, non trans guy of color.

we met and there was an immediate connection.  that type of deep connection that sometimes happens between two people.  for me as a leftist leaning, social justice, movement type firmly rooted in people of color and queer and trans community this has always and only happened with people who i share strong politic and principle with.  and it very rarely happens.  the last time it did was over ten years ago.

it had been a really long time since he had deeply connected with someone as well.  neither of us are the long distance type so it was pretty clear that after two months this thing we had would be over.  we talked about if we should just stop spending time together but that really didn't make sense to either of us.

i was the first trans guy he had fucked or dated he had only ever been with cis guys.  however the fact that i'm trans was never a factor in our relationship.  meaning that of course my trans identity is very much a part of my life and politic however it was not a factor positive or negative in his attraction and connection to me - we were just two gay guys really into each other.

i would say the first few weeks we hung out were amazing, fun and beautiful.  while there was alot we could have discussed regarding the state of the lgbt movement, race, sex and gender, organizing and general politicking.  we actually very rarely did.  we shared stories from our past and current lives, ate good food, drank lots of beer, lazed around in parks or in bed watching silly movies, went on bike rides, hung with friends, and just generally enjoyed spending time together.  the sex was hot and intense in that way that sex can be when you are really into someone.  when we were together we were always touching or holding each other - there was a level of comfort that just felt right.

then it started to get hard.  we both went through are own moments of sadness and anxiety and self protection - for both of us resulting in periods of withdrawal.  i know this seems incredibly intense and dramatic for a relationship that was so new but it was just what it was.

then it ended, he left the country, and it just was this beautiful, hard, intense moment in my life that i appreciate and miss.

the beach town

a couple of friends and I rented a house in a nearby beach town – one of those gay beach towns. We were just gonna be there for a few nights. When evening hit we decided to head to the local gay bar. I'm with a group of queer and trans folks but i'm the only one mainly into guys so when we get to the bar and see its about 98% guys i'm quite pleased, my friends not so much. We get drinks and hang and chat. I can see that my friends are not so into it so when a cute gay boy comes over and starts flirting with me they decide they can make an exit and bid me farewell for the nite.

Cute gay boy and I continue to flirt. At some point he mentions his monogamous boyfriend of 7 years and its clear to me he's just flirting for the hell of it and is plastered as all hell. He's nice though so we keep chatting. At some point he makes an exit with said boyfriend who does not seem too happy when he sees us talking and exchanging digits, I'm very respectful of other folks relationships so I have no intentions he just seems like a nice guy. Regardless now i'm trying to decide if I should stay or go when out of nowhere a cute tall guy wearing very short shorts is standing next to me.

We start chatting a bit and then he says lets get closer to the stage so we can see the show. Its drag nite. Now he is standing behind me and he starts grinding his cock against my ass. Hot and I can feel that he's hard. I reach back and grab his dick first through his shorts then down them. I let this go on for a minute then I turn around and put my hand on his chest to give a bit of distance between us and say, 'i'm totally cool to play but I need to tell you i'm a trans guy'. I'm unsure how he is going to react as i've been on the sites since I got to town and have been having zero luck. however he doesn't miss a beat and says 'cool, no problem'. However I have heard that before so I say 'do you know what a trans guy is?'. He says 'yes'. Still not convinced I say 'tell me then'. He laughs and says 'female to male, right, u used to be a girl'. I smile, 'cool'. I ask, 'did you know I was trans when you hit me up?' he says, 'no I just thought u were really hot'. Nice.

Then he bends down and kisses me and I place my hand back on his dick. We make out for a bit longer and he says 'do you want to go to the beach'. I nod. He grabs my hand and we leave the bar. We walk a short distance down the board walk. Its late and there are not a lot of people out. He pulls me into the entrance way of a building. We start kissing and making out. He pulls out his dick and I bend down and take him into my mouth. I blow him for a while then I pull a condom out and ask if he wants to fuck. He nods. I hand him the condom, drop my pants and bend over. He pushes his dick into me from behind. Fucking me hard. He is very thick. Anyone walking by would clearly see us fucking but no one does. He tells me he wants me to ride him and that we should actually go to the beach. Cool however I only have one condom. The beach is close so I ask him to make sure to keep the condom on while we walk over – lol.

We walk a short distance more and turn down a pier, we get to the end, but the beach is kind of rocky so I stop him and say lets just fuck on the pier. Its very dark outside. Anyone walking by would clearly see two people fucking but its the kind of gay town where public sex is pretty routine. We sit and kiss. He pulls down his shorts and I ride him. After a bit he has gone soft and he turns me onto my back and begins blowing me. He is very good. He finger fucks me as he sucks my clit until I cum hard clenching around his fingers. I pull his fingers out and start blowing him. He moans. I really want to fuck you some more, he says. Me too but the only condom we had is no longer usable. He says we can go back to his place, however his place is kind of far. My place is very close but i'm sharing a bed with a friend so that's a no go.

I say lets walk to my place and I can get more condoms and then go back to the beach. He says cool. We both put our clothes back on. We chat as we are walking. We quickly are at my place. I tell him to wait outside while I go in to grab supplies. My roomie is still up and asks whatsup. I say I will tell yuh in the morn just came to get condoms and a towel. He laughs. I grab my supplies and head back out.

Dude and I walk a short distance to the beach this part of the beach is sandy and beautiful. We walk a short distance down and I lay down a towel. We both strip from the waist down. He starts sucking me off again. I lay back and look at the stars as he blow me til I cum. I suck him off til he's hard, slip a condom on and ride him. We fuck like this for at least an hour. Alternating between him blowing and finger fucking me and me blowing him until he's hard enough to fuck me. He keeps going soft which I learn is because he has been 'partying'... we go through a ridiculous amount of condoms. after an hour of this i'm starting to get sore and he still has not cum so I tell him I can't do anymore and he is gonna have to jerk off. I lie back and watch him stroke himself until he shoots a huge load on my chest. Which is hot but later not so much as I have to walk back to the place i'm staying with his cum making my shirt stick to my chest...

beautiful

today i met a truly beautiful person.  we had been chatting on and off online for sometime now.  gorgeous black trans woman.  i am her first ftm.  i've done hookups with many genders but mostly non trans guys.

i arrive at her place.  she opens the door and she is as beautiful in person as her pics.  she lets me into her small apartment.  i ask if she lives alone or has roomies.  she says she lives here with her husband.  i pause and say, uhm, he's cool with this right?  she nods and says its fine.  cool.  

she leads me into her bedroom and we sit for a bit chatting on her bed.  she has on a short summer dress.  she leans in and kisses me.  we make out exploring each others bodies.  i am playing with her breasts through her dress.  its making me wet.  i really need them in my mouth.  i pull back and take off my shirt and binder.  she pulls her dress up over her head. i lean in and wrap my lips around her dark nipples.  i ask if she likes that.  she moans a yes.  our bodies are grinding against each other and i can feel that she is as turned on as i am.  we have discussed everything beforehand so she knows that i am all bottom and i know that she likes to use her parts.  

she reaches down and unbuttons my jeans.  i pull them off and lie back now entirely naked on her bed.  she kneels between my legs and blows me.  it feels incredible.  just the right amount of pressure.  i cum quickly.  i sit up and ask her to take of her panties.  she slips them off.  

i really want her in my mouth.  i ask if its ok and she nods.  i wrap my mouth around her.  she moans as i move my mouth up and down.  i ask her if she wants to fuck.  she says yes and i grab a condom and slip it on her.  

i straddle her and slip her inside me.  slowly at first as she is thick.  she feels amazing.  she says, 'wow' as i ride her.  we fuck slowly at first.  taking our time.  kissing and feeling each others bodies.  i say 'you are so beautiful' as we fuck.  then i ride her faster and harder until i cum.  she calls me baby as we fuck.  she turns me over onto my back and we fuck missionary.  then she raises my legs to her shoulders and her strokes become harder and faster.  i'm gonna cum she says.  i feel her pulsing inside me.  so hot.  

afterwards we chat a little on her bed.  she sits with her knees pulled up, legs crossed, her arms wrapped around her legs.  i am clear that she could easily kick my ass as she is probably at least twice my size if not more and it is very clear she can take care of herself, however i feel this incredible vulnerability from her.  i'm not sure what's going on with me but its bringing out this extreme protectiveness on my part.  its like i want to make sure she is ok, that her husband treats her right, that no one ever messes with her, that she is safe and well in all her beauty, strength and vulnerability.  if i could make myself into a human protective bubble i would.

however we just met.  she has a husband and this is just a hookup.  after a bit i tell her i should get going.  she walks me to the door and we kiss good bye.  

boundaries

As those who follow this blog know I have been in a very NSA (no strings attached) place – I have not been interested in dating or relationships at all. There are many reasons for this decision its enough to say that I have been very happy and content in this place. At this point it is going on over 3 years at least. At some point in the midst of this period one of my regulars turned into an open casual dating situation and that was fun for a bit but I eventually returned to my NSA place.

Recently, like a week or two ago, my best friend convinced me to give dating a go. I'm in a different place in my life now and decided – what the hell, why not. This has led to some interesting adventures that I may write about at some point. However it also led to a pretty big personal realization.

With women identified and trans/gnc folks I don't assume that we are going to fuck on the first date, but I also don't assume that we won't. However when it gets physical I proceed with clear lines of consent and I also don't assume that just because we are making out we are going to end up fucking. I ask as normally the other person does as well what's ok and what's not ok to do to their body prior to and during fucking. For me this comes from my understanding as a trans/gnc previously female identified person of all the violence and boundary crossing our bodies face and the complicated relationship many of us have to our bodies and sex.

However when it comes to non trans gay guys all of that goes out the window. I assume that sex and fucking and being physical happen quickly once you meet. With non trans gay guys once its gone down that physical road I assume that we are going to fuck. I mean there is definitely some level of pre conversation around safety, testing and top/bottom/vers type thing but that's about it. I assume that if we are making out we are going to fuck and that its ok for me to touch his body and touch and suck his cock (I don't rim/do anal play with guys).

Clearly this is not ok and these are huge assumptions.

But it took me quite some time to realize what I was doing. I was on a 2nd date with a guy who I was definitely into and he invited me over to his place after the bar. We started kissing and making out on his couch. And then it was like I just went into auto pilot mode. I started to take off his shirt and he stopped me and said I'm not sure if I want to fuck yet can we just make out. 'sure man, we don't have to fuck' I said. So we proceeded to make out for a bit then he said we should go to the bedroom. Long story short we ended up having some oral play but he stopped it at that.

Reflecting on that nite when I woke up in his bed the next morning I felt like shit. I realized that I never asked him if it was ok for me to touch his body in the ways I did. I was definitely being very sexually aggressive in ways that make me uncomfortable as I felt like I went into autopilot, I just assumed we were gonna fuck and was being very aggressive in moving in that direction. We checked in about it all the next morning and then again on our next date and no boundaries were crossed, but the idea that I could have was really really scary to me and a big reality check.

I've been trying to understand why I would act so extremely different with non trans guys. These are the thoughts that have run through my head – 

• the ways that casual sex and hookups seem like just a regular part of gay male culture at least the one I live in, 
• that while non trans gay guys definitely experience sexual violence and abuse women and/or trans and gnc folks are more highly impacted due to patriarchy, homophobia, and transphobia, 
• the lack of physical boundaries on a casual level that I have experienced in gay male spaces i.e. many times in clubs or other spaces some non trans gay guys (particularly but not only non trans) have few physical boundaries and feel its ok to touch and grope at will other guys. 

 All of this is probably part of it however in the end it doesn't really matter why – i'm just glad I realized it in time to make some shifts.

cock before breakfast

sometimes i wake up really early for no reason.  i normally need to be up by 7am or so.  however sometimes i wake up at 4am, 5am, 6am and i'm just wide awake.

today i woke up at about 5am and couldn't go back to sleep and i was feeling really horny so i logged onto the sites.  pretty quickly some dude hit me up.  cute scruffy white guy.  after a few quick messages he says he can come over.  he lives close by so will be there soon.  i'm still lying in bed so i make a quick trip to the bathroom to at least wash my face, rinse my mouth.

he is there quickly.  i believe he just rolled out of bed also.  to be honest i don't really remember what he looks like, i would not recognize him if i saw him again, we didn't exchange names.  we say a quick good morning and both strip.

i kneel down and take his cock into my mouth.  he's an average size not huge not small.  he reaches down and plays with my nipples as i blow him.  he is hard quickly and i pull back, grab a condom and lie back on the bed.  he kneels between my legs, slips the condom on and pushes into me slowly.  he fucks me missionary his hips thrusting into me.  slow hard thrusts.  he holds my hands above my head as he fucks me.  after a while he's fucking me faster and harder and he says he's getting close.  i tell him to cum for me.  he cums hard shooting inside me.

he rolls off me and i get up to pee.  we chat a bit as he gets dressed, he has a deep sexy voice, i thank him and say 'that's exactly what i needed this morning', he says 'me too' and then heads out the door.

valuing each other

recently i've gotten myself in a bit of a relationship.  my NSA status has shifted somewhat.  this was entirely unintended on my part.  a regular hook up became a frequent regular became a casual dating situation.  the boy is mad sexy in a skinny, twinkish brown boy kind of way, not my usual cup of tea i like a little more meat on a boy but so be it.  we have absolutely nothing in common except that we have incredible sexual chemistry and we have fun together.  he definitely is more into me than i am into him and is up front with me about it as i am up front with him about how i feel.

he is a stereotypical gay boy queen - into fashion, partying and fucking and having gotten to know this person for some time i can say with relative certainty that's about it.  don't get me wrong he cares for me, his friends, chosen and blood family but the ongoing state of war, violence and injustice in the world is not something that even crosses his mind.  no judgement intended - i don't understand it - its not a way i live and move in the world.   i get where the creation of this bubble comes from though - very few of us trans and queers of color have lived without struggle - and we all manage it in different ways of which all are valid.

we generally have a lot of fun together despite our differences.  of course as would go with someone you are dating, even casually things happen and you hurt each other.  i would say we've been good about being up front with each other when this happens and in every instance the other has apologized with little defensive and tried to be accountable.  what i've come to realize recently though is that this is not what i want.  i can have amazing, hot incredible sex with someone regardless of politic or how they move through the world.  i can have interesting conversation with people who don't give a shit about the state of the world but are good people, interesting people, even people i do not share politic with.

however if it moves beyond just fucking i've come to realize i need more.  i need some shared politic, doesn't have to mean they live and die for the movement, but i need an understanding that the world is a fucked up place and that its not ok and something should be done about it.  and i need someone to be passionate about something, care about something beyond fucking and partying.  that's where i landed recently and had decided to think on it but was pretty much gonna let the boy know that this was never going to go beyond casual dating and that while sad i understood if this meant it needed to end.

then also recently, seperately but perhaps connected in ways i have not fully processed, i got very very drunk and did and said some things that crossed his boundaries unintentionally, not of course that it matters, as i still did it, and for this i feel ashamed.  then he told me about how his friends, a crew of non trans gay boys, mostly of color, could not wait to know what had happened as it had been a bit of a public situation.  and this pushed me over the edge.  some of it was my own anger at myself, of course, but just pointed to another issue while i believe his friends care and love him and each other they take joy in putting down others and in other people's drama and i've told him many times that is something i cannot get with - don't laugh at her because her make up is messy, you don't know what she's been through, to me i see strength, beauty and pride (or challenge myself to do so) not someone to laugh and make fun of.

i also started to think about things that had caused conflict, his friends range of isms and my complicitness in it.  i started to feel like fuck this dude.  i'm done with this.  i know that some of this came from my own shame and anger at myself but i also know some of it was real.

then i read this piece by this incredible activist - mia mingus about how we treat each other as queer pocs.  and it made me stop and think.

how can i do right by this person.  how can i be honest about where i'm at in a way that does the least amount of harm yet is honest and real yet caring.  while this brown gay boy and i need to change how we are in relationship with each other i value and care about him.  how can i hold this moment of connection, of community and of relationship in a way that does not feed into all the negative messages that we all receive as queers of color seeking to move through this world