photos

One Sunday morning I woke up kind of early.   I was feeling possibly frisky so i logged into the sites.   a bunch of people hit me up (i've been having alot of luck on grindr lately for some reason).  One was a cute 30 year old asian guy, Vietnamese.  However i was just waking up and not totally sure if wanted to do a hook up.  After some back and forth he said he could head over now.  I still wasn't sure and was debating between a hook up and going to the gym.  He was a bit persistent.  So I decided to just go for it, figuring i would make it a quick thing.  

Dude show's up and he's cute.  not as cute as his pics but cute.  we are sitting on my bed and he looks at me and says "did you really used to be a woman?" he is looking at me like he doesn't believe me.  I say yeah.  He says "you look like more of a guy than i do".  I'm not totally sure how to take that.  

I say to him are you good with this?  He says yeah, so i climb on top of him and we get to it.  He doesn't kiss i realize which i don't care about.  Soon we are both naked and he is sucking me off.  then he pulls back and say's "bro, can i take a picture".  he has been calling me bro the whole time.  I say "what?  no". he says, "bro, just from the waist down, no face".    

Now at the time i felt like this is just weird.  though in retrospect, i share x rated below the waist pics with people all the time.  i again say "no" firmly.  then he starts to beg me, he says, "bro please you have to help me out".  now this is getting even weirder.  "what do you mean, why?" i ask.  remember this is all happening while we are both naked and he is sucking me off alternating begging and sucking my clit.  he says again, "please bro".  i again push and say tell me why.  He says "please you don't understand i need to be able to show it to my brother".  then i realize what's going on

i'm still feeling a bit weird but i decide what the hell, sure i say, i let him take a few pics of him fingering and blowing me.  i make sure they are all just below the waist no face though i'm clear that's not what he cares about.  as he puts his tongue to my clit and poses for a selfie his face next to my pussy its simultaneously weird, hilarious, problematic and sad.  after he takes a few pics we go onto fuck.  its good nothing incredible, just an ok fuck.  

afterwards we are chatting a little and i ask him more questions about his family.  his family who he lives with does not know that he is gay and they are starting to ask questions.  he says they would never accept it.  he know's this for a fact and his family is very important to him.  he is going to show his brother the pics so he will stop pressuring him.

i wish him the best of luck and he gives me a big tight hug as he leaves.  

he messages me later to say that it was amazing and he hopes to see me again.  well i know that's not happening while i have no regrets its not a situation i am looking to repeat.

i've been reflecting alot on this hook up.  i could see how what he did could seem inappropriate and offensive to some.  for myself it was weird but really not a big deal to let him take the pics.  clearly he is in a hard situation and i really felt for him even in that moment of weirdness.  dude is 30 years old, loves his family dearly in a way that as another queer of color with immigrant roots i understand, yet is gay as all hell and just can't risk losing them because of it.  i'm not someone who believes that everyone needs to be out.  i believe everyone makes their own decisions about it and that whatever you decide is what's right for you.

i really do wish him the best.  it was a reminder to me of the ways the world is for us queer folks of color - weird, complicated, hard, absurd and full of resilience.  

laughter and fucking

i've been in a bit of a funk lately.  dating woes....  being in a funk meant i wasn't really feeling like doing hookups.  so i went a good two weeks without being fucked.

this week i was in a better place and feeling frisky leading to three encounters.  what was funny about all three is that during all three we laughed as we fucked.  the kind of laughter that happens when you are just having fun and feeling good.

it was very late on a monday nite.  well late for me and i had just gotten off the phone with my best friend.  i was feeling horny so logged onto the sites.  pretty quickly some dude hit me up.  i did my usual routine and he said 'i know we have met before'.  now i don't remember this guys profile at all, but he sends me a pic and looks kind of familiar but i am still not placing him.  however it doesn't really matter right, so i tell him to come over.  he texts me that he is outside my apartment and i open the door to let him in.    i see a tall, sexy, dark brown skinned dude leaning against the wall.  hot.  and now i remember him and that he is a good fuck.  i let him in.  we both strip and get right to it.  he has a tight muscular body and we kiss and grind as we fuck.  its very hot.  he is big but not uncomfortably so which is perfect.  his cock is pushing into me, his hips pumping between my legs, our smooth chests pressed closely together, we kiss and both kind of grin and laugh as we fuck cuz we are both really feeling it.  i push him onto his back so i can ride him.  i take him slow, riding the full length of him, tightening on each stroke, he moans as we fuck, i can feel the head of his cock hitting just the right spot inside me.  we fuck faster and he says he is going to cum, he groans and pushes harder into me as he cums his cock pulsates inside me.  hotness.  i lie on top of him catching my breath.  we look at each other and smile and laugh.  i slide him out of me.  we both clean up and he heads out the door.

a day later i am feeling frisky again.  i've been chatting with this dude who lives literally 3 houses away from me.  now for folks who follow this blog you know i have a major weakness for anything close by.  3 houses away is something i will almost never turn down.  dude is ok looking in his pics.  sends me lots of hot messages.  never done a trans guy.   we had talked about meeting up however i am home later than expected and he wants to reschedule.  i however really want to fuck.   i send him a text saying i just got home and i'm horny.  he responds 'yeah?'.  i say 'yeah, i really wanna get fucked, and i'm wet as hell'.  he say 'oh god so hot'.  i say 'want me to cum over'.  he say 'yeah'.  perfect.  so i grab my supplies and walk 3 houses down my block.  he is ok looking in person.  we strip and get right to it.  he is an average size.  we kiss and he strokes his cock as we make out.  he is hard.  i bend down and blow him for a bit.  i grab a condom and slide it on him.  he kneels between my legs and pushes inside me.  he is fucking me but its a bit awkward.  he says 'i've never done this before'.  its always weird when dudes say that to me, i don't really get what's so different...  anyways, i tell him to let me be on top.  i climb onto him and guide him inside me.  we both moan as his cock slides in.  i ride him taking my time.  he is moaning as we fuck.  i ride him faster and he says he is getting close.  he cums hard shooting inside me and he cries out as he cums.  his hips jerking.  when he is done he opens his eyes and we look at each other smile and chuckle.  i roll off of him and we chat a bit as i get dressed then i head home.

the next day i have a date.  so this is a different context.  2nd date and i know going in that unless the vibe is really off i want us to fuck.  i invite him back to my place after a drink and we chat for a while on my couch.  i am pondering making a move when he leans in and kisses me.  perfect.  we make out some then i lead him to my bedroom.  without going into detail we fuck and its hot and fun and as we fuck we grin and laugh cuz its sexy and hot and we like each other.

barebacking, trust and emotions

I wrote this piece a while ago, but just had not published it yet.  I am actually in a space now where i always use condoms for fucking.  I am dating now, casual and open, but it makes me think differently about the risks i take. I also am still doing hook ups but less so.  However, this piece is still very real to me and very much a part of who i am.

I also have been thinking about Brandon Lacy Campos, who passed earlier this year, as this is his birthday weekend, his honesty and need for us to be real with each other about sex and safer sex was rooted in love for our community and an understanding that it is the only way we can survive.

TQ

this is another piece about unsafe, risky sex.  somewhat of a continuation of a previous post 'transfag barebacking'.  that said once again i am not at all advocating fucking without protection.  though i again feel the need to be real about my experiences doing so.

i had reached a point in my hook ups where i felt i was pretty in control of how i fuck, meaning i wasn't randomly giving into a desire to fuck raw.  i had reached a point where i acknowledged the desire.  I very rarely fucked raw and only with regulars who i've know for a while, have some trust for and have discussed std/sti status, testing status and safer sex practices ahead of time.  i would make a decision about fucking raw before i was in someones bed.  again very very rarely.  however even this i know is not safe and is risky.  (and to be honest there was one exception to this - a total alcohol induced fuck up)

however i recently ended up in an unhappy health situation.  Found out i had an STD, curable, which was clearly a result of these decisions i made.  i was talking to my best friend about it all, he's another ftm of the queer variety, and i was saying that I was going to stick to condoms at all times now, no exceptions.  he said, 'i think that's a good idea and its not like it feels different to you to fuck with a condom or without', meaning yeah for the dude who's fucking my pussy i assume it feels a hell of alot different, but for me as the person getting fucked, its questionable, my best friend has had his own experiences with barebacking so has first hand knowledge and is not judgemental in his statements.

at the time i said, 'yeah ur right'.  but then i was thinking about it and i know for me at least sometimes it's no different condom or no condom, but other times, at least for me, the raw fuck on a purely physical level is very very different.

what i've started to reflect on though is while this desire to fuck flesh to flesh is about a physical and sexual desire that i have, there is clearly also an emotional level to it.

there is this dropping of boundaries when it comes to fucking raw.  i was thinking about how with one dude who i've known for a year, nice guy, interesting, laid back musician, i really like him as a person and we hook up quite often every week sometimes, after the first time we fucked raw there was this new openness to our post fuck chat, a new level of connection.

this blog tells tales of fucking, of anonymous, i don't even know your name fucking.  these encounters are most often purely physical, while there may be some chat you both (or all) know that this is just about sucking some cock (trans or non trans), feeling each others bodies, kissing (most of the time) and fucking the hell out of each other.  sometimes it can become a fuck buddy situation, but even then we are not going to the movies together or hanging out with each other's friends, while we may like each other as people - in the end its about fucking. 

yet if i'm honest with myself i can't deny an emotional element to it with some of my repeats.  the regulars i fucked raw are all good guys, at good places in their lives, nice people who i have known for in some cases over a year.  we had conversations ahead of time about testing, std/hiv status, and safer sex practices, but a level of trust is inherent in that conversation.

i realize what it comes down to is that i want to live in a world where we can trust each other as fuck buds as people who are dating as partners.  I want that world to exist.  yet i know that we do not live in that world.

when i think back on the times i've slid onto a cock raw sometimes i wanted a raw fuck and thats it, but sometimes, as problematic as it is, i wanted to feel the connection that comes with two people agreeing to trust each other enough to live with the risk.

hard moments

recently i kind of fell for a dude.  well not kind of did.  and the whole situation just sucked to hell cuz we met about 2 months before he was moving out of the country.   cute, sexy, political, non trans guy of color.

we met and there was an immediate connection.  that type of deep connection that sometimes happens between two people.  for me as a leftist leaning, social justice, movement type firmly rooted in people of color and queer and trans community this has always and only happened with people who i share strong politic and principle with.  and it very rarely happens.  the last time it did was over ten years ago.

it had been a really long time since he had deeply connected with someone as well.  neither of us are the long distance type so it was pretty clear that after two months this thing we had would be over.  we talked about if we should just stop spending time together but that really didn't make sense to either of us.

i was the first trans guy he had fucked or dated he had only ever been with cis guys.  however the fact that i'm trans was never a factor in our relationship.  meaning that of course my trans identity is very much a part of my life and politic however it was not a factor positive or negative in his attraction and connection to me - we were just two gay guys really into each other.

i would say the first few weeks we hung out were amazing, fun and beautiful.  while there was alot we could have discussed regarding the state of the lgbt movement, race, sex and gender, organizing and general politicking.  we actually very rarely did.  we shared stories from our past and current lives, ate good food, drank lots of beer, lazed around in parks or in bed watching silly movies, went on bike rides, hung with friends, and just generally enjoyed spending time together.  the sex was hot and intense in that way that sex can be when you are really into someone.  when we were together we were always touching or holding each other - there was a level of comfort that just felt right.

then it started to get hard.  we both went through are own moments of sadness and anxiety and self protection - for both of us resulting in periods of withdrawal.  i know this seems incredibly intense and dramatic for a relationship that was so new but it was just what it was.

then it ended, he left the country, and it just was this beautiful, hard, intense moment in my life that i appreciate and miss.

the beach town

a couple of friends and I rented a house in a nearby beach town – one of those gay beach towns. We were just gonna be there for a few nights. When evening hit we decided to head to the local gay bar. I'm with a group of queer and trans folks but i'm the only one mainly into guys so when we get to the bar and see its about 98% guys i'm quite pleased, my friends not so much. We get drinks and hang and chat. I can see that my friends are not so into it so when a cute gay boy comes over and starts flirting with me they decide they can make an exit and bid me farewell for the nite.

Cute gay boy and I continue to flirt. At some point he mentions his monogamous boyfriend of 7 years and its clear to me he's just flirting for the hell of it and is plastered as all hell. He's nice though so we keep chatting. At some point he makes an exit with said boyfriend who does not seem too happy when he sees us talking and exchanging digits, I'm very respectful of other folks relationships so I have no intentions he just seems like a nice guy. Regardless now i'm trying to decide if I should stay or go when out of nowhere a cute tall guy wearing very short shorts is standing next to me.

We start chatting a bit and then he says lets get closer to the stage so we can see the show. Its drag nite. Now he is standing behind me and he starts grinding his cock against my ass. Hot and I can feel that he's hard. I reach back and grab his dick first through his shorts then down them. I let this go on for a minute then I turn around and put my hand on his chest to give a bit of distance between us and say, 'i'm totally cool to play but I need to tell you i'm a trans guy'. I'm unsure how he is going to react as i've been on the sites since I got to town and have been having zero luck. however he doesn't miss a beat and says 'cool, no problem'. However I have heard that before so I say 'do you know what a trans guy is?'. He says 'yes'. Still not convinced I say 'tell me then'. He laughs and says 'female to male, right, u used to be a girl'. I smile, 'cool'. I ask, 'did you know I was trans when you hit me up?' he says, 'no I just thought u were really hot'. Nice.

Then he bends down and kisses me and I place my hand back on his dick. We make out for a bit longer and he says 'do you want to go to the beach'. I nod. He grabs my hand and we leave the bar. We walk a short distance down the board walk. Its late and there are not a lot of people out. He pulls me into the entrance way of a building. We start kissing and making out. He pulls out his dick and I bend down and take him into my mouth. I blow him for a while then I pull a condom out and ask if he wants to fuck. He nods. I hand him the condom, drop my pants and bend over. He pushes his dick into me from behind. Fucking me hard. He is very thick. Anyone walking by would clearly see us fucking but no one does. He tells me he wants me to ride him and that we should actually go to the beach. Cool however I only have one condom. The beach is close so I ask him to make sure to keep the condom on while we walk over – lol.

We walk a short distance more and turn down a pier, we get to the end, but the beach is kind of rocky so I stop him and say lets just fuck on the pier. Its very dark outside. Anyone walking by would clearly see two people fucking but its the kind of gay town where public sex is pretty routine. We sit and kiss. He pulls down his shorts and I ride him. After a bit he has gone soft and he turns me onto my back and begins blowing me. He is very good. He finger fucks me as he sucks my clit until I cum hard clenching around his fingers. I pull his fingers out and start blowing him. He moans. I really want to fuck you some more, he says. Me too but the only condom we had is no longer usable. He says we can go back to his place, however his place is kind of far. My place is very close but i'm sharing a bed with a friend so that's a no go.

I say lets walk to my place and I can get more condoms and then go back to the beach. He says cool. We both put our clothes back on. We chat as we are walking. We quickly are at my place. I tell him to wait outside while I go in to grab supplies. My roomie is still up and asks whatsup. I say I will tell yuh in the morn just came to get condoms and a towel. He laughs. I grab my supplies and head back out.

Dude and I walk a short distance to the beach this part of the beach is sandy and beautiful. We walk a short distance down and I lay down a towel. We both strip from the waist down. He starts sucking me off again. I lay back and look at the stars as he blow me til I cum. I suck him off til he's hard, slip a condom on and ride him. We fuck like this for at least an hour. Alternating between him blowing and finger fucking me and me blowing him until he's hard enough to fuck me. He keeps going soft which I learn is because he has been 'partying'... we go through a ridiculous amount of condoms. after an hour of this i'm starting to get sore and he still has not cum so I tell him I can't do anymore and he is gonna have to jerk off. I lie back and watch him stroke himself until he shoots a huge load on my chest. Which is hot but later not so much as I have to walk back to the place i'm staying with his cum making my shirt stick to my chest...

beautiful

today i met a truly beautiful person.  we had been chatting on and off online for sometime now.  gorgeous black trans woman.  i am her first ftm.  i've done hookups with many genders but mostly non trans guys.

i arrive at her place.  she opens the door and she is as beautiful in person as her pics.  she lets me into her small apartment.  i ask if she lives alone or has roomies.  she says she lives here with her husband.  i pause and say, uhm, he's cool with this right?  she nods and says its fine.  cool.  

she leads me into her bedroom and we sit for a bit chatting on her bed.  she has on a short summer dress.  she leans in and kisses me.  we make out exploring each others bodies.  i am playing with her breasts through her dress.  its making me wet.  i really need them in my mouth.  i pull back and take off my shirt and binder.  she pulls her dress up over her head. i lean in and wrap my lips around her dark nipples.  i ask if she likes that.  she moans a yes.  our bodies are grinding against each other and i can feel that she is as turned on as i am.  we have discussed everything beforehand so she knows that i am all bottom and i know that she likes to use her parts.  

she reaches down and unbuttons my jeans.  i pull them off and lie back now entirely naked on her bed.  she kneels between my legs and blows me.  it feels incredible.  just the right amount of pressure.  i cum quickly.  i sit up and ask her to take of her panties.  she slips them off.  

i really want her in my mouth.  i ask if its ok and she nods.  i wrap my mouth around her.  she moans as i move my mouth up and down.  i ask her if she wants to fuck.  she says yes and i grab a condom and slip it on her.  

i straddle her and slip her inside me.  slowly at first as she is thick.  she feels amazing.  she says, 'wow' as i ride her.  we fuck slowly at first.  taking our time.  kissing and feeling each others bodies.  i say 'you are so beautiful' as we fuck.  then i ride her faster and harder until i cum.  she calls me baby as we fuck.  she turns me over onto my back and we fuck missionary.  then she raises my legs to her shoulders and her strokes become harder and faster.  i'm gonna cum she says.  i feel her pulsing inside me.  so hot.  

afterwards we chat a little on her bed.  she sits with her knees pulled up, legs crossed, her arms wrapped around her legs.  i am clear that she could easily kick my ass as she is probably at least twice my size if not more and it is very clear she can take care of herself, however i feel this incredible vulnerability from her.  i'm not sure what's going on with me but its bringing out this extreme protectiveness on my part.  its like i want to make sure she is ok, that her husband treats her right, that no one ever messes with her, that she is safe and well in all her beauty, strength and vulnerability.  if i could make myself into a human protective bubble i would.

however we just met.  she has a husband and this is just a hookup.  after a bit i tell her i should get going.  she walks me to the door and we kiss good bye.  

boundaries

As those who follow this blog know I have been in a very NSA (no strings attached) place – I have not been interested in dating or relationships at all. There are many reasons for this decision its enough to say that I have been very happy and content in this place. At this point it is going on over 3 years at least. At some point in the midst of this period one of my regulars turned into an open casual dating situation and that was fun for a bit but I eventually returned to my NSA place.

Recently, like a week or two ago, my best friend convinced me to give dating a go. I'm in a different place in my life now and decided – what the hell, why not. This has led to some interesting adventures that I may write about at some point. However it also led to a pretty big personal realization.

With women identified and trans/gnc folks I don't assume that we are going to fuck on the first date, but I also don't assume that we won't. However when it gets physical I proceed with clear lines of consent and I also don't assume that just because we are making out we are going to end up fucking. I ask as normally the other person does as well what's ok and what's not ok to do to their body prior to and during fucking. For me this comes from my understanding as a trans/gnc previously female identified person of all the violence and boundary crossing our bodies face and the complicated relationship many of us have to our bodies and sex.

However when it comes to non trans gay guys all of that goes out the window. I assume that sex and fucking and being physical happen quickly once you meet. With non trans gay guys once its gone down that physical road I assume that we are going to fuck. I mean there is definitely some level of pre conversation around safety, testing and top/bottom/vers type thing but that's about it. I assume that if we are making out we are going to fuck and that its ok for me to touch his body and touch and suck his cock (I don't rim/do anal play with guys).

Clearly this is not ok and these are huge assumptions.

But it took me quite some time to realize what I was doing. I was on a 2nd date with a guy who I was definitely into and he invited me over to his place after the bar. We started kissing and making out on his couch. And then it was like I just went into auto pilot mode. I started to take off his shirt and he stopped me and said I'm not sure if I want to fuck yet can we just make out. 'sure man, we don't have to fuck' I said. So we proceeded to make out for a bit then he said we should go to the bedroom. Long story short we ended up having some oral play but he stopped it at that.

Reflecting on that nite when I woke up in his bed the next morning I felt like shit. I realized that I never asked him if it was ok for me to touch his body in the ways I did. I was definitely being very sexually aggressive in ways that make me uncomfortable as I felt like I went into autopilot, I just assumed we were gonna fuck and was being very aggressive in moving in that direction. We checked in about it all the next morning and then again on our next date and no boundaries were crossed, but the idea that I could have was really really scary to me and a big reality check.

I've been trying to understand why I would act so extremely different with non trans guys. These are the thoughts that have run through my head – 

• the ways that casual sex and hookups seem like just a regular part of gay male culture at least the one I live in, 
• that while non trans gay guys definitely experience sexual violence and abuse women and/or trans and gnc folks are more highly impacted due to patriarchy, homophobia, and transphobia, 
• the lack of physical boundaries on a casual level that I have experienced in gay male spaces i.e. many times in clubs or other spaces some non trans gay guys (particularly but not only non trans) have few physical boundaries and feel its ok to touch and grope at will other guys. 

 All of this is probably part of it however in the end it doesn't really matter why – i'm just glad I realized it in time to make some shifts.

cock before breakfast

sometimes i wake up really early for no reason.  i normally need to be up by 7am or so.  however sometimes i wake up at 4am, 5am, 6am and i'm just wide awake.

today i woke up at about 5am and couldn't go back to sleep and i was feeling really horny so i logged onto the sites.  pretty quickly some dude hit me up.  cute scruffy white guy.  after a few quick messages he says he can come over.  he lives close by so will be there soon.  i'm still lying in bed so i make a quick trip to the bathroom to at least wash my face, rinse my mouth.

he is there quickly.  i believe he just rolled out of bed also.  to be honest i don't really remember what he looks like, i would not recognize him if i saw him again, we didn't exchange names.  we say a quick good morning and both strip.

i kneel down and take his cock into my mouth.  he's an average size not huge not small.  he reaches down and plays with my nipples as i blow him.  he is hard quickly and i pull back, grab a condom and lie back on the bed.  he kneels between my legs, slips the condom on and pushes into me slowly.  he fucks me missionary his hips thrusting into me.  slow hard thrusts.  he holds my hands above my head as he fucks me.  after a while he's fucking me faster and harder and he says he's getting close.  i tell him to cum for me.  he cums hard shooting inside me.

he rolls off me and i get up to pee.  we chat a bit as he gets dressed, he has a deep sexy voice, i thank him and say 'that's exactly what i needed this morning', he says 'me too' and then heads out the door.

valuing each other

recently i've gotten myself in a bit of a relationship.  my NSA status has shifted somewhat.  this was entirely unintended on my part.  a regular hook up became a frequent regular became a casual dating situation.  the boy is mad sexy in a skinny, twinkish brown boy kind of way, not my usual cup of tea i like a little more meat on a boy but so be it.  we have absolutely nothing in common except that we have incredible sexual chemistry and we have fun together.  he definitely is more into me than i am into him and is up front with me about it as i am up front with him about how i feel.

he is a stereotypical gay boy queen - into fashion, partying and fucking and having gotten to know this person for some time i can say with relative certainty that's about it.  don't get me wrong he cares for me, his friends, chosen and blood family but the ongoing state of war, violence and injustice in the world is not something that even crosses his mind.  no judgement intended - i don't understand it - its not a way i live and move in the world.   i get where the creation of this bubble comes from though - very few of us trans and queers of color have lived without struggle - and we all manage it in different ways of which all are valid.

we generally have a lot of fun together despite our differences.  of course as would go with someone you are dating, even casually things happen and you hurt each other.  i would say we've been good about being up front with each other when this happens and in every instance the other has apologized with little defensive and tried to be accountable.  what i've come to realize recently though is that this is not what i want.  i can have amazing, hot incredible sex with someone regardless of politic or how they move through the world.  i can have interesting conversation with people who don't give a shit about the state of the world but are good people, interesting people, even people i do not share politic with.

however if it moves beyond just fucking i've come to realize i need more.  i need some shared politic, doesn't have to mean they live and die for the movement, but i need an understanding that the world is a fucked up place and that its not ok and something should be done about it.  and i need someone to be passionate about something, care about something beyond fucking and partying.  that's where i landed recently and had decided to think on it but was pretty much gonna let the boy know that this was never going to go beyond casual dating and that while sad i understood if this meant it needed to end.

then also recently, seperately but perhaps connected in ways i have not fully processed, i got very very drunk and did and said some things that crossed his boundaries unintentionally, not of course that it matters, as i still did it, and for this i feel ashamed.  then he told me about how his friends, a crew of non trans gay boys, mostly of color, could not wait to know what had happened as it had been a bit of a public situation.  and this pushed me over the edge.  some of it was my own anger at myself, of course, but just pointed to another issue while i believe his friends care and love him and each other they take joy in putting down others and in other people's drama and i've told him many times that is something i cannot get with - don't laugh at her because her make up is messy, you don't know what she's been through, to me i see strength, beauty and pride (or challenge myself to do so) not someone to laugh and make fun of.

i also started to think about things that had caused conflict, his friends range of isms and my complicitness in it.  i started to feel like fuck this dude.  i'm done with this.  i know that some of this came from my own shame and anger at myself but i also know some of it was real.

then i read this piece by this incredible activist - mia mingus about how we treat each other as queer pocs.  and it made me stop and think.

how can i do right by this person.  how can i be honest about where i'm at in a way that does the least amount of harm yet is honest and real yet caring.  while this brown gay boy and i need to change how we are in relationship with each other i value and care about him.  how can i hold this moment of connection, of community and of relationship in a way that does not feed into all the negative messages that we all receive as queers of color seeking to move through this world

the body builder

i just got home from the gym and was feeling frisky.  dude hit me up on one of the sites. i didn't look to closely at his stats, but saw that he is a body builder.  hot.  we arrange to meet up in half an hour.  i do some random stuff around the house then grab my supplies and hop on my bike.  i get to his place and realize this guy is humongous.  he says he is 6'4 or 6'6 or something around there and weighs 270 pounds of which i would say the majority is muscle.  he gives me a big bear hug saying 'you are so cute'.  as he hugs me my face ends up somewhere between his belly and his chest.  his chest is so broad it seems like it would take at least 3 of me to make up his width.  he says he is off season right now so not to be frightened next time i see him as he will be even bigger.

he leads me into his apartment and asks where i want to fuck.  i motion towards his bedroom.  i climb up on his bed which is quite high up.  he kisses me pushing his hand down my pants and sliding his thick fingers into me.  i moan as he strokes me.  then he pulls out his cock.

now i've done some big dicks before (i couldn't get it in) but this was ridiculous.  it was not very long maybe 6, but it was the thickest cock i have ever seen.  probably about an orange in thickness, think sunkist not organic.  he pushes my head towards his cock and i give it my best go but really can only somewhat suck on the head.  i pull back and hand him a condom which i already know is going to be way to small.  i lube him up well.  i ask if i can be on top and he says he doesn't like to do it that way so i say cool, just go real slow, and lay back.

he puts the head to my cunt and begins to push in.  his cock is stretching me painfully and i guide his pace until i can take him.  then he begins to fuck me.  pushing his thick cock into me.  its slightly painful and really good all at once.  he fucks me faster his massive body slamming between my thighs.  i go as long as i can and then it just hurts.  i stop him.  he asks what's wrong.  i say, 'dude you are fucking huge!' he says 'but you have such a nice tight pussy'.  i say 'i think you are gonna have to jerk off man i'm sorry'.  i say 'if you let me ride you i may be able to take more, i can take more on top'.

he says ok and lies back.  i climb on top of him.  i slowly slide him in just the head at first until i can take it all.  then i ride him.  it feels incredible.  i'm able to take him all and it feels amazing his cock stretching me my clit rubbing against him.  i place my hands on his massive chest and milk his cock, rocking up and down his thickness.  he moans.  i ride him faster and harder.  i'm gonna cum he growls.  fuck yeah i say riding him hard until he groans and shoots inside me.

i roll of him and curl up on the bed for second, worn out.  then i pull myself together, clean up, thank him and hop back on my bike.

nice guy - invisible trans allies

its friday and i have the day off.  for once i have absolutely nothing that i have to do except i want to hit the gym.  i'm feeling a bit frisky so i get on a couple of the sites.  a couple of dudes hit me up but no one who is available right now and/or interesting to me.  then a dude hits me up, no pic but he sends me a couple as he messages me, he's attractive, not hot but attractive.  dom verbal top and he is available soon.  perfect.  we arrange to meet in two hours which gives me enough time to hit the gym first.

i'm back from the gym and dude shows up soon after.  he mostly looks like his pic which is cool.  i'm looking for a hit and split type of situation not looking to chat much.  i'm his first trans guy.  we exchange a few usual pre fuck how are you's then get right to it.  he has an average cock which is perfect cuz i did a really big thick dude the other day and don't think i can do it again.  we kiss and he plays with my nipples.  we strip to our drawers and he motions to his cock.  i pull out his cock and take him into my mouth.  he's not hard so i suck him off, love the feeling of a cock growing in my mouth.

once he's hard he pushes me back on the bed.  i pull down my briefs and he sucks me off.  he's good, not great but good.  he pulls back and spreads my legs.  i stop him and grab a condom.  he pushes into me.  slowly as i take the full length of him moaning.  he fucks me slow at first, long slow strokes, then he's pounding into me my legs on his shoulders.  he turns me over and fucks me doggie, pushing my head into the bed as he fucks me hard and rough.  i can only do so much doggie so i stop him and ride him.  my cunt milking his cock til i cum then he cums soon after shooting inside me.

this was a good fuck.  not spectacular but good.  afterwards we are just chatting over a beer.  he tells me he is 40 something, born in argentina, lived in the states most of his life, doesn't have a boyfriend right now. and then he tells me about his 'nephew' who is trans (male to female).  at first i'm turned of that he keeps using male pronouns for this person and i try to correct him.  

he has only met this person two or three times and doesn't know the name this person uses now but he tells me how his brother often calls him to discuss his 'nephew'/niece.  he tells me how he constantly corrects them when they call this person gay and explains that they are trans and straight.

he tells me about how he tells his brother over and over that he needs to be there for his child, that god does not create anything that is wrong and that his child is a child of god, that he needs to show compassion and show love and get his child the medical care so they can transition to a woman.  now i'm not religious at all but i'm feeling alot of love for this dude. his niece likely has no idea that she has an uncle advocating for her as they have barely even met.

i say to him, you are a really good guy and your niece is lucky to have you.

he cleans up and we part with a quick kiss.

mr sweat

NOTE:  Hookups are inherently risky - this piece is about a hook up that reminded me of that in case you want to skip it.  

I had hooked up with two of my regulars on Saturday. One in the afternoon who's a quick fun hook up and then the other at night who i really like and is a much longer experience....

Its now Sunday afternoon and I'm tired. However, I'm just surfing the sites to see what's going on when a cutie hits me up.  and he is not far away.  i head over.  he is a big guy which i couldn't really tell from his pics but is ok with me.  we get to it right away.  he has porn playing on his laptop.  we both strip.  i kneel between his legs and blow him.  i grab a condom and slide it on. he's big and rough.  pushes into me hard, pounds his hips into me, its hot, but then he starts to sweat.  i don't mind sweat.  i mean everyone sweats.  but this is ridiculous.  he is on top of me and the sweat is pouring off him and dripping all over me, on my face, into my mouth.  its too much.  i stop him and push him onto his back.  i ride him til we both cum.

i roll off him and lay back for a second catching my breath.  we chat for a few while we recover and then i say i have to go.  he says 'ah, already' and starts kissing me rolling his sizable body on top of me.  i can feel that he is hard again.  but i'm done.  i stop him and just say 'nah man i really gotta go'.  he grinds his hips into me, i feel his hard cock on my stomach and says 'are you sure?'.  i say 'yeah man'.  there is a moment when i think 'what if he doesn't get off, dude is so much bigger than me...'  however, instead he grabs me in a huge bear hug and says 'ok' and rolls off me.

i've been really fortunate (knock on wood) exploring the world of anonymous play.  no one has forced me to do anything i did not want to.  in most cases if things were to go awry just the pure physical size of my hookups versus my small frame put me at a major disadvantage especially when im buck naked.  while this dude had no intention of forcing me to do anything, that moment when i thought 'what if he doesn't get off me' was a reminder of my vulnerability.  

short fucks

in appreciation of the short, quick fuck.

fuck 1
dude and i had just started chatting on one of the sites recently.  very cute, used to date a trans guy.  as usual scheduling issues made it hard to hook up.  finally we arrange a date.  he got lost so was late, but eventually made it.  as cute in person as his pics.  small, average build.  we make out and strip.  he spreads my legs and plays with my clit.  i take his cock into my mouth and blow him.  he has a nice, cut medium size cock.  i slip a condom on him and he pushes into me.  'damn you feel so good', 'you're so tight', he moans as his hips pound between my legs.  he lifts my legs to his shoulders and watches as his cock slides into me.  'i'm getting close' he moans.  'cum man' i say, i haven't cum yet but i wasn't necessarily looking to cum.  he speeds up and moans as he shoots inside me.  we chat for a bit after, he show's me pics of his ex then he has to go as his boyfriend is waiting for him.  50 minutes

fuck 2
i had not seen this guy in over 2 years.  he lives really far away.  i'm having one of those days when everyone is cancelling on me and i'm horny.  he hits me up as he does now and then.  we chat and i say he is too far but he says he will come to me and can be there in an hour.  perfect.  he is very cute in a seattle grunge long hair kind of way.  he arrives and we start making out immediately.  strip and he sucks my nips as i remember now he really likes to do.  we grind and kiss and he's hard, he has a nice thick uncut cock and i want him in me.  i grab a condom and he pushes in.  fucks me missionary then turns me over and fucks me from behind.  we fuck for about 20 minutes until he cums grinding his hips into me as he shoots.  we chat some, he cleans up and heads out.  40 minutes

fuck 3
this asian boy and i used to be pretty regular fuck buds sometimes it was good sometimes ok.  i have written about him before (tale of two cocks).  however for various reasons it has been at least a year since we last fucked.  i have somewhere i need to be around 7pm.  we arrange to meet at 6pm.  he gets held up and show's up at 6:30pm.  we both strip right away.  i kneel down and blow him quickly.  'let's fuck he says'.  i grab a condom and ask how he wants me.  he bends me over so i'm on my hands and knees and he pushes into me from behind.  fucks me doggy style.  his balls hitting my clit with each stroke.  he used to be able to go for a long time but we are both in a hurry.  after about 10 minutes he says he's getting close and i tell him to cum and he shoots inside me - big load, i remember that he shoots big loads.  we chat for a bit but i gotta go so he cleans up and head out the door.  30 minutes

"do i have a gut?" - quick fucks and body image continued

lately i've been hanging out more frequently with a crew of non trans gay guys of color ranging in ages from 20's to 40's all very apolitical not at all in the activist left leaning circles i usually run.  they are generally all good, kind caring guys and i have fun hanging out with them for the most part.

one of the first pieces i wrote for this blog was about body image and hook ups - "do i have a gut".  I've been thinking more about this lately due to this new crew i've been hanging with.  the incredible pressure that gay guys internalize around body image.

every single guy, except for one, in this group of long time friends has had some type of surgery to make his body closer to that stereotypical gay male ideal, in some cases more than one.  i had of course heard about gay guys and plastic surgery but i figured it was a wealthy white gay boy kind of thing.

These guys are not rich at all, they saved up thousands of dollars for these procedures.  from hair plugs (dude was in his 20's when he got them) to butt implants, calf implants, and pec implants to surgeries to lose weight like lap bands and lipo.  

while i have not had any surgeries i know that i am as sucked into the gay male body idealism as anyone else.  and i do believe it has gotten progressively worse.  i find myself more self conscious of my body when fucking then i used to be.  i used to think about how i look while i'm fucking periodically.  now i find its a pretty regular occurrence.  'ugh, it looks like i have a gut right now'...  and then it definitely intersects with my internalized transphobia, thoughts like 'he's probably looking at my hips and thighs'....

its gotten to the point that i've realized in some convoluded way sometimes i would rather not fuck dudes who are toned and cut because it makes me extra self conscious about my own body.

its become pretty clear to me that the sizeism of the gay boy world has brought me back to a place.  like many folks raised as girls for most of my childhood starting as young as seven and into my teen years i saw myself as overweight and unattractive.  please note this is only my experience, every trans guy relates to how they were raised and socialized differently i.e. some trans guys were socialized as boys.

in college however i was exposed to a politic that sought to fight the sexist, racist, sizeist ideals of beauty.  that centered a belief that everyone is beautiful and that what you wear or look like is not what's important but who you are, what you believe and what you do.  for many years i embraced this belief.

when i started hormones i definitely became more conscious of how i dress and look as a means to pass.  and no doubt there is alot of sizeism and body image pressure in the transmasculine world but for some reason it didn't impact me so much i believe largely because my core communities sought to resist this and held strong to a body positive politic.

but now the gay boy hook up world is definitely messing with my head.  i believe strongly everyone should love their body and everyone is sexy in their own way.  but applying that belief to myself has gotten more and more difficult.

holiday fuck

i was out of town visiting fam for the holiday.  i was getting hit up alot on all the sites - a wide variety of cuties.  however, i'm here to spend time with my family who i don't see often and it doesn't feel right to leave them alone while i go fuck some dudes.  i am in town for nearly two weeks though so i figure i'll give myself one day to play.  i decide on this one dude because he is interesting, into bdsm, lots of tats, brown skin, just a little taller than me so not a big guy but very cute.

however he is very, very persistent which is a flag for me, not always but often in my experience overly persistent guys either want more than just a fuck i.e. become stalkerish and/or want to be your husband after the first meet up or are desperate for a fuck for a wide range for reasons....(no judgement, just not my thing) but there is something about this particular guy that intrigues me.

we chat on and off for a few days.  i will be his first trans guy.  even though getting to him will be a trek i decide to go for it over closer options.    the day arrives when we have arranged to meet.  i tell my family i'm meeting a friend and head for the bus.  i'm still feeling unsure and nervous about this hook up.  i know that its largely because i'm not on my home turf so feel off my game.  there is also something about his look that is borderline hot/serial killer...  i mean he is very nice but aren't most serial killers nice at the start?  he offers to pick me up repeatedly which i decline, i always feel safer being able to get to a hookup on my own.  he seems to sense my uncertainty suggesting i take a picture of his home and text it to someone when i get there.  which actually makes me more nervous in some kind of weird way i.e. maybe this means i definitely should be nervous.

however i decide to proceed.  its a long bus ride and the bus stop is a bit of a trek to his place, i stop and pick up some beers on the walk.  i finally get there and his home reassures me, for some reason i was picturing a small house, with an empty yard and one car in the front, i don't know why that says serial killer to me...  but instead its a small home with no real yard, a kayak hanging in the garage, a couple cars in front (turns out he has a roomie), a mountain bike chained to the fence.

he lets me into his place which is neat and clean (a thing i have) and has a really nice view.  he is cuter than his pics in person.  he says his roomie is home but doesn't care.  i tell him i brought some beers to which he says he does not drink.  i immediately feel like an ass, i usually ask guys before i bring beer, so much of our communities are in recovery and all.  i apologize and say i don't need to drink and start to put the beer away.  but he say's no its cool, he has been in recovery for a while and doesn't have cravings anymore and he wants me to be comfortable.  he cracks one open and hands it to me.

i take a few sips.  he says you are so cute and sexy and runs his hands down my back.  i smile and put the beer down.  we start making out and he is a very good kisser.  i pull off his shirt and take off mine.  he has the most incredible six pack i have ever seen.  i lie back on the bed and he lies on top of me kissing and grinding.  he starts to suck my nipples which is always an immediate turn on for me.   i reach down for his belt, undue his jeans and stroke his sizable cock through his briefs.  he's hard.  i push him back and we both strip.  i lie back on his bed buck naked.  he says 'you are so hot' as he looks down at me.

i sit up and take his hard thickness in my mouth.  my tongue sliding up and down his length, my lips wrapped around his head.  he groans.  i go at him for a bit then he stops me and asks if he can give me a massage.  nice.  he turns me onto my back and begins to rub oil down my back, ass, legs, his sizable hands kneading my shoulders and moving down.  then he turns me over and begins kissing my nipples and moves down between my legs.  he licks at my clit with the tip of his tongue.  asks if its ok, i tell him to do it a bit lighter, which he does and it feels fucking amazing.  his tongue slides up and down the length of me repeatedly, slipping in and out of me.  i'm very wet and at this point i want more.

i stop him and ask if he has a condom.  he grabs one out of his dresser and puts it on the bed, but then pushes me back plunging his head between my legs.  i just can't get enough he says as his tongue circles my clit.  finally i really can't take anymore and i push him onto his back, grab the condom and slip it on.  then i mount him, slowly as he is a good size, i slide slowly down his cock until he is deep inside me.  we both moan.  i ride him taking the full length of him then pull him on top of me and he fucks me deep, his hips pounding between my legs our bodies rubbing tightly together my legs entwined with his.  we fuck hard and fast, i grab his ass pushing him deep with each stroke.  then he sits up so he's kneeling and can watch his cock sliding in and out of me.  he reaches over and grabs a vibrator from his dresser and places its tip on my clit as he fucks me.  the thrusting of his cock and the vibrations on my clit are bringing me very close.

then he pulls me over so i'm riding him again.  our bodies are slick with the massage oil.  i ride him slow at first, feeling his thickness, then faster, my clit sliding against him as i ride, until i cum collapsing on top of him.  he is still hard as a rock however, but he pulls out and wraps me in a spoon.   we rest for a bit and i look up and realize i've been there over two hours at this point and i need to go.  he says you have to go huh?  i say yeah, but you haven't even cum.  he says no worries, it was more than hot.

i feel a bit bad but not enough to be late to meet my fam so we both clean up.  he insists on at least driving me part of the way which i accept.  on the way we chat he is a really nice guy but i realize that my initial instincts were somewhat right on.  if i actually lived here i think he would have already had boyfriend visions in his head.  however this was definitely a hot fuck.  he drops me off and we part with a quick kiss.